She Learned the Truth at 17
by Oldest Man
Summary: A different background, a very bad first meeting and revelations about who we really are behind our masks? . Caskett sorry Kater-haters, you lose. Chapter 45 The Redoubt & Treachery
1. Chapter 1

My daughter was clearing out some closets and playing some old vinyl from her younger days. Janis Ian is haunting my brain. She sang about her orientation, I imagined something totally different. May go a few chapters on this one.

I enjoy moving characters out of their familiar comfort zones and into situations that require them to adapt and overcome and find new paradigms in their relationships.

Bring on the flames and gasps ye bloody harpies

OM

* * *

><p><em>She Learned the Truth at 17<em> – by Oldest Man

"Where is she? They brought my daughter in here. Katie Beckett. Something about burns?" Johanna Beckett had been called at her office by a man who simply said 'Back off. You have a daughter.' and then her husband had called her.

"Johanna!" Jim Beckett stood near the windows and called out to his wife.

"Jim, where is she?"

"In the ER. Some – someone threw acid in her face. I got a call from her school. I haven't seen her yet. They won't let me in. They sedated her…she was screaming in pain, Jo – "

* * *

><p>New York City<br>Several years later

"You need my help on this, Detective. This guy is using my books to set up crime scenes for his murders. How about we discuss my ideas over dinner?"

"God, Castle, I thought the tabloids and scandal rags were exaggerating but it's really true." Beckett turned away from him, instinctively allowing her long hair to drape over the right side of her face.

"What?" He was curious just which of the outrageous exaggerations she'd taken to identifying him with.

"You'd fuck a scarred snake if someone held it still."

She could see the effect that her words had on him and some small part of her cried out, '_NO, I didn't mean it like that!'_ while most of her gloated, '_Gotcha __in __one__'_.

"I think we're done here, Detective. Good luck with solving this case. I'll be sure to read all about it in the press. Be well."

She watched Castle walk away, duck under the yellow crime scene tape, and stride quickly through the crowd. She looked down and away, a habit she'd perfected since she was a teenager. It kept her long hair masking her cheek and neck.

"That was cold, Beckett, even for you. The guy was just trying to be helpful and friendly and you gutted him like a fish. For someone who holds the truth in such high regard, you sure parrot the lies just like everyone else."

"Lanie, he was just trying to score with the 'Scar'. I've been around his kind before. God damned man whores. They get a perverted thrill out of – "

"That's just so much crap, Kate. Sure, I've read the tabloids but have you ever read about him and any scandal, any paternity suits, any of the usual crap that haunts these celebrities you so despise? No. That's all publicity the publishers and agents put out to help sell their books."

"I learned a long time ago that the 'Beautiful People' are just shallow and hollow and superficial, without substance. He's one of Them, a Pretty Boy with notches on his bedpost and nothing in his heart but emptiness."

She had watched the hurt blossom in his eyes when she'd insulted him. It wasn't his pride that she'd hurt. It was something deeper, something hidden away, something she thought she had recognized for just a moment before he had shut down and walked away.

She sighed and turned back to the crime scene. They could have used his insights in this case but she just couldn't get past her own damned fears.

She hadn't kissed a man since she was 17 except for her father, of course. She hadn't had a date except once in college and she'd been humiliated when she discovered it was a fraternity prank called 'Dog Date Night'. Except for a self-inflicted deflowering with a vibrator, she was a virgin.

And she was bitter and scarred far more than the thick ropey scars on her right cheek and the right side of her neck and down almost to her right breast.

She had been a warning to her mother to 'back off' from something she had been working on and when Kate hadn't been enough, they'd killed her, masking it as 'random gang violence' but she knew better.

"Lanie, let me know if the tox screens show anything. I'm pretty sure you were right with the cause and time of death."

"Sure, Beckett. Say, how about a girl's night at my place. Bring the vodka and I'll provide the ice. Be like old times and God knows I could use the company."

* * *

><p>Richard Castle hailed a cab and gave the driver his loft address. He was pissed off and needed to burn off the anger at his gym. The pretty police detective hadn't even considered that since the killer was using his books as templates for a series of murders, that he just might be able to give their investigation some help.<p>

'_It'll be a cold day in Hell before I offer any help to that Prima Donna.'_

* * *

><p>There was a heavy frost in Hell a week later.<p>

"Daddy, it's someone on the phone for you." Alexis dropped the phone on the table and walked back to her room. She had an American History exam to study for and being interrupted by the phone while her father sulked in his study wasn't helping her understand the Federalist Papers any better.

He told the Mayor to kiss his ass after confirming that Detective Beckett was still heading up the investigation.

"Damn it, Rick. The Commissioner himself asked me to call you. Are you so damned stubborn that…"

He hung up on the Mayor. Friend or no friend, there were limits and that woman pushed him well past his.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Beckett was leaning back against her desk in a position that seemed to come most naturally to her. She couldn't find any patterns or connections between the victims. The only connection was Richard Castle's novels.

"Beckett, a word, please," Captain Montgomery called her from his office doorway. There was someone in the office with him but she'd just returned from reviewing the most recent crime scene hoping for something to make the 'magic' happen and didn't see who was in it.

She walked in and stopped. "Mr. Mayor, this is Detective Beckett, the lead on the Castle cases." Kate glanced at her captain, one eyebrow raised. '_Since when are these the 'Castle Cases'?'_

"Detective, Mr. Castle seems to dislike you for some reason known only to himself and he refuses to lend any assistance to your stalled investigations. According to Roy, his novels are the only thing linking the murders, is that right?"

"It would seem to be that way. But we're exploring possible leads – "

"Bullshit! You're stumped. Now, here's what's going to happen. You're going to go to Castle's home and ask him for his help. You, Detective, not one of your team mates, you, are going to go to his home and ask for his assistance."

Kate looked at the Captain who looked away. "Fine. But he's not going into the field. I can't have some amateur endangering real cops."

"Whatever it takes to catch this serial killer, Detective, whatever it takes. I've known Castle for years, play poker with him, and I've never known him to show such antipathy towards another person in all that time. I don't know what you did or said to him, but he really dislikes you and I didn't think Rick Castle disliked anyone."

"I turned down a dinner invitation to 'discuss' the case."

"He asked _you_ to dinner? Castle? Rick Castle? He never asks anyone out. He's turned into a hermit since his divorce so I sincerely doubt he had any interest in you personally. Ask him what he wears around his neck sometime, Detective Beckett, and ask him _why."_

The mayor stood and nodded to the Captain and then to Beckett saying, "He'll help if you ask him, Detective. Just check your attitude at the door and talk with him."

* * *

><p>Castle Loft<br>New York City

It got downright frigid in Hades the next evening.

She flashed her badge at the doorman in lieu of the usual call to the resident to see if he was 'taking visitors' and took the elevator to the 21st floor where the 'penthouse' lofts were located.

She didn't see a doorbell so she knocked firmly and waited. She adjusted her leather jacket again, smoothed out imagined wrinkles in her blouse and knocked again.

A young girl of about 14 answered the door and Kate introduced herself and explained that she was here to talk to her father. She couldn't help but notice the girl's burn scars. The skin across her forehead and cheeks was stretched tightly and the light shone off them – just as it did with hers.

"If you're done staring, Detective, I'll go get my dad. Please have a seat."

Kate tried to say something but the words caught in her throat. She knew she'd screwed up and had to make it right with the young girl.

"Please, Alexis, come back. I – I was staring but not for the reasons you think. Please, let me show you something and then you can get your dad."

Alexis turned and frowned, wishing her father were here so she could disappear upstairs into her bedroom but she'd been taught not to be rude and walked back to the foyer and faced the Detective.

"I _was_ staring but not – look." She pulled her hair aside on the right side of her head. She felt totally naked and uncertain but she didn't want this young girl's feelings to be hurt.

Alexis' eyes widened and she looked at Kate and extended a fingertip and Kate just nodded. Alexis ran her fingertip gently down the side of Kate's face, seeing the ruined ear and the thick and angry red scars that coated her neck until they disappeared beneath her collar.

"Acid. A man threw acid in my face when I was 17."

"My mom left water boiling on the stove while she talked on the phone and I pulled it down on me. I was three."

"I wasn't staring, honest. I was – I was comparing. How many operations have you had? I had 4 but then I figured it wasn't worth all the pain and falling behind in school."

"Would you like something to drink? I'll go get my dad, Detective. You use your hair really well to cover it."

"Yeah. It's the closest thing I can get to hiding them without wearing a mask."

"I'll get my dad. Y'know, he told me about you. He said you were very pretty but that all that anger inside made you ugly. I think he's right. You are very pretty and the scars just make the pretty more noticeable. That's what he always tells me. 'Imperfections are God's way of making people notice the beauty'."

Beckett felt like running away. How could she face him after what she'd said in the alley? Now she knew what it was she saw in his eyes before he raised his shields. It wasn't pity. It was remorse.

"Alexis, you might try some foundation on your forehead. It will reduce the shininess and – "

"Yeah, I use it. Grams is an actress and I've had professional makeup artists teach me. I guess it's _my_ mask.

"Alexis, I think I heard the Feds calling you about your history test? Go, pumpkin. Detective Beckett and I have some business to discuss and then we'll order pizza, okay?" Rick was standing in the living room and had heard the conversation.

"Um, Mr. Castle, I came to ask for your help. We're stumped and the only thing the murders have in common is your book series. We – I need your help, Castle. And about what I said in the alley, I was way outta line."

"Yeah, well, I think you misunderstood my intentions but given the circumstances I think I'll just give you a pass on the alley. And she had six operations. Whether or not she tries for a natural seven is up to her. Now, I've made some notes and posited some suppositions. Why don't you take a look at them."

* * *

><p>It was 1am before Beckett got back to her apartment. She joined the two for 'pizza and stuff' and then she and Castle spent the remainder of the evening working out a theory about why the killings were mirroring his novels.<p>

When she finally crawled into bed, she felt almost optimistic for the first time in a long time.

The next morning Castle showed up bright and early, for him, a little after 9am and spent the rest of the morning reviewing files and making theory. It had been the most fun Kate had had in ages and she found herself drawn to the smiling man who always had a kind word for anyone he met.

The funniest thing that happened was when Castle sampled a cup of the Precinct's 'coffee' and almost threw up.

"It's no wonder you people have such crappy attitudes. If I had to drink this recycled bladder offering I'd hate everyone by the end of the first week."

After rinsing his mouth out he announced that he had a prior engagement that required his attention. Esposito, still not fully accepting his presence, asked him if he had a 'hot date with some arm candy' and Castle coldly informed him, "I don't date, Detective Esposito. I have a meeting at my daughter's school. It's a parent-teacher conference."

Kate just rolled her eyes and glared at Esposito. Ryan had accepted Castle's presence with grace and humor whereas Esposito had been almost rude.

As he was getting on the elevator, an idea blossomed in the back of his mind and the next morning, although he wasn't there to see it, an espresso machine he had 'donated' to the 12th was installed in the 4th floor Homicide break room.

The team solved the case in three days and apprehended the murderer and Beckett overwhelmed him with evidence and used Castle's 'back story' to squeeze a confession out of him.

Castle waved goodbye and left, happy to have a maniac off the streets and satisfied that he'd done his civic duty once again.

Beckett watched him leave and sighed. They made a good team and she didn't feel the need to be defensive about her scars or to go to uncomfortable lengths to shield them from view when she and Castle working alone. She'd miss the ease with which they'd worked together, often finishing each other's sentences.

Just before she left for the day, she stopped by the Captain's office and mentioned that the paperwork was done and that he could tell the commissioner and Mayor that Castle had been a major contributor to a successful arrest.

"Good. They'll be glad to hear that. We can use all the brownie points we can get given the current budgets. You two worked well together and there was none of the friction I had prepared for. See, Beckett, you can play nice with others. Make it a habit."

She looked down at her feet and sighed. It was now or never.

"Sir, I was wondering if we could use Castle from time to time on some of the freakier cases and maybe a few of the cold ones. He looks at things from a different perspective and I'd like to utilize his expertise at times in the future."

"I'll pass it along to the Commissioner. The Mayor won't be a problem. He and Castle have been friends for years."

Beckett left the office and Montgomery just smiled. 'Well, well, Castle and Beckett. The Hermit and the Scar. Who'd a thunk it.'

He called the Commissioner and gave him the good news and he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'Good job. The Mayor might just get off my ass now'. Taking advantage of a good mood, he made his pitch to use Castle as an 'occasional consultant' – without pay, of course – on some of their cold and unsolved cases.

"Good idea, especially the 'without pay' part. I'll mention it to the Mayor."


	2. Chapter 2

Interesting. The first chapter generated a ton of alerts and favorites and a veritable cornucopia of letter bombs, outrage and a few really nice comments. Thanks.

The 'White Eagles' exist and are now part of the Serbian National Army but back in the day, they were just armed animals with axes to grind.

OM

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><p>She Learned the Truth at 17 – by Oldest Man<p>

Chapter 2

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Castle leaned back in his chair and put his stocking feet up on his desk and sighed. He was blocked. Plugged. Jammed up. Cognitively constipated. The atmosphere in the loft fairly reeked of defeat.

His 'women' were out and about. Alexis was enjoying a break from school and had gone to the Catskills with the family of a friend.

His mother would probably crawl in around 4am, too proud to acknowledge the 'walk of shame' she was performing.

Castle wrestled with the problem until he was utterly defeated. He had bumped off his long-time protagonist, Derrick Storm, and now was at a loss for what to write about. He needed to write. It was what he did and how he defined himself – Richard Castle, writer.

Storm had worn on him until he found himself repeating the same dialogue and he finally realized he was bored with his character so he killed him off.

He wrote an entire novel on a new subject but trashed it. It didn't sing to him and if what he wrote failed the 'singing test' after a month off sitting on his computer, he trashed it. He was his own worst critic, his own worst enemy.

He needed inspiration. In the past, he'd set up a wild-haired scenario for Storm to work his way through, and let the character develop the plot through his actions and words. Nothing was working now. His storyboard was blank.

Castle had even resorted to pulling out old manuscripts from years past that he'd never submitted and read them hoping for inspiration but it was no use. His muse had left him.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

"Yo, Beckett! It's almost 7pm and we're not going to get anywhere on this so I'm thinking I'm going to head out and start fresh bright and early."

"Yeah, Esposito, I'm right behind you. This whole case doesn't make any sense. Our vic is a shadow man. No family, no friends, just a job he goes to every day. He pays his bills and has a small savings account. He votes, has a credit card he never uses, a cell phone with no call records…"

"It'll be there in the morning, boss. I'm gone."

"Night." She hated walking away from it but felt like they'd hit a wall. She hated not being able to establish motive. She needed help.

"Castle." He answered the phone still leaning back in his chair with his feet up on his desk, ankles crossed. He hadn't changed positions in the past hour.

"Castle, it's Kate Beckett." She hoped she wasn't interrupting anything. She'd accumulated quite the collection of Castle's novels over the years. Actually working with him and seeing how his mind worked brought the novels new life. She hoped he was writing again.

"Hey, Detective. How goes the detecting?"

"I'm up against a wall here and could really use new eyes. Can you come in tomorrow for a little while and take a look at our board and give me your opinions?"

"Kate, what are you still doing at the precinct? You're wearing yourself out and that makes for a cranky Kate and an ineffective detective. 10am work for you?"

"Yeah, I'm heading home. I just hate leaving it up in the air."

"I'll bet you forgot to eat again. You need to watch it, Beckett. A strong wind and off you go to parts unknown."

"Are you saying I'm skinny, Castle. God, now you sound like my dad. 'Eat something, Katie'. 'You're working too hard'. 'You don't have a social life'."

"You do need to eat and you need to sleep. A social life isn't all it's cracked up to be." There was something in the way he spoke of 'social life' that sounded bitter – something that she expected to pop out of her mouth, not his.

"So, changing the subject, how's the writing coming?"

"Ah, well, I wrote an entire novel after leaving you and I trashed it. It didn't handle the 30-day test very well so I trashed it. Wasn't very good and it didn't sing to me."

'_Leaving me? Odd choice of words.'_

"Sing to you? I'm trying to quash an image of a sheaf of papers dancing around on your desk, singing, and you doing your best Simon Cowell imitation. It's like a Disney cartoon gone bad."

She'd never heard Castle really laugh and it startled her but made her feel good. At least someone was happy with something from this case.

"Damn but I missed your warped and wry sense of humor, Beckett. I haven't laughed since – a long time ago. So, I have an indecent proposal. Bring what you have and swing by Maison Castle and I'll order Chinese or whatever tempts your delicate palate and we'll go over the stuff and see what we can make of it."

There was silence on the other end and he cursed himself for pushing into an area that was apparently off-limits. He knew what he'd meant but he was afraid she'd taken it another way. Thoughts of 'Alley Kate' flashed through his mind.

_'Indecent proposal? Where the hell did that come from?'_

"Or, I can just drop by in the morning." He broke the long 5 second silence.

Still nothing. A long 5 seconds.

"Detective?"

"Twenty minutes, Castle. No funny stuff."

"Maybe the morning would be better, Detective." There was a chill in his voice that wasn't there before. It was the chill of 'Alley Rick' and she realized what she'd said and how he'd interpreted it.

"I meant nothing exotic like fricasseed turtle spleens. I'm more the Mac 'n Cheese kinda girl. See ya in twenty, Rick."

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<p>

Rick cleared away the dishes from the breakfast island and summarized what they had to date while he worked. He did some of his best thinking while doing something mindless like washing dishes or making a quick meal if he was alone.

"No prints at all. No hands – something you failed to mention until I had my mouth full, by the way - a faded tattoo that no one can identify, and no family or friends have come forth to claim the body, right?"

"I thought you'd read that in my notes already. The 'no hands' thing I mean. But that about sums it up." It didn't seem like a lot but it represented 3 days of investigation.

"Okay, Kate, I see it like this. The killer doesn't want the victim identified from his prints so he whacks off the guy's hands with a sharp – very sharp – weapon or tool after he shoots him in the back of the neck, execution-style. From the ME's report, the killer was either really, really, really tall or the vic was on his knees when he was killed, right?"

"Yes, Castle, he was either 11 feet tall or our victim was kneeling or lying down given the angle of entry." She listened to him with her eyes closed 'seeing' what he was imagining in his mind as if he'd written it down.

"Kneeling, Kate, because given the angle, he'd have to be lying with his face balanced on his nose and I can't see a man just lying like that, waiting to be shot. Can you?"

"Nope. Go on. I'm curious to see where all this plays out."

"There's nothing on our victim earlier than 2004 when he just pops up into existence. No credit card records, no arrest records, no tax returns, no nothin'. Vasili Szendy just pops up."

"That's right."

"I think he was in Witness Protection or some other government program and whoever he was hiding from found him and killed him."

"That's pretty far out there, Castle. Still, it's worth checking out. I have a friend in the FBI I could ask. Unofficially, of course."

Castle felt a moment of what? Jealousy? Whatever it was, he put it aside and concentrated on the case before him.

"Nothing from his coworkers? He didn't play on the company softball team or bowling league?"

"He worked in a warehouse, Castle, driving a forklift. No bowling league, no softball. He came to work, worked, and then left. Never missed a day."

"Hmmm, dead end there."

"There is one thing though. Esposito was interviewing one of the non-English speakers from Central America – it's probably nothing…"

"We got nothing now, Kate."

"The man told Esposito that our vic worshipped the Devil." She watched his face light up and almost laughed. He could be such a little boy sometimes. It was one of his most endearing qualities. He seemed almost – innocent, at times. He gestured 'more', with his hands, his eyes alight with eagerness.

"The man said that when their boss announced that a coworker had passed away that the man made the 'Devil's Cross'."

"Interesting. Eastern or Greek Orthodox Catholic. Means our victim is of Eastern European heritage or an immigrant. My money's on immigrant."

Beckett realized something. While she was with Castle she never made any attempt to hide her scars. She relaxed here without fear of being gawked at. It was a new feeling and she liked it.

"Castle, look at the time! I have to be at work in 7 hours. I hate to eat and build theory and run, but I'm going to be a corpse tomorrow if I don't get some sleep. Thanks a million for helping us. I think we finally made a breakthrough."

He loved her smile and was tickled that he was instrumental in causing it.

"Then I'll see you tomorrow around 10ish?"

"Yeah. That'll be great. I might have something back from the FBI by then. We'll talk with Dr. Parrish in the morning about the tattoo, too."

And just like that, she was gone, leaving behind a bemused author who would swear on a stack of Bibles that he smelled cherries.

Castle grinned and walked into his study and started writing.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

9am

Beckett glanced up at the sound of the elevator door opening. Lately the elevator had sounded cranky and the door normally jammed about half-way open or closed but not this time.

_'I might have known that the damned thing would perform perfectly for him. Must be a girl elevator.'_

Rick walked over to Beckett's desk and deposited a large Starbuck's coffee container in front of her and then turned and looked at the board. She'd posted some of their theories but had left others off pending a conversation with Lanie.

Kate stood up and leaned back on her desk, holding her cup of coffee and staring at the board. "Thanks for the coffee, Rick. My mind was wired and I didn't get to sleep as soon as I needed to and the damned alarm seemed to go off the minute my head hit the pillow."

She glanced over at him and took in his appearance – nattily dressed but tired looking, as if he hadn't slept at all.

"I outlined four chapters and got two done and emailed off for editing. I think I've overcome the block."

"What happened to letting things sit and then checking out their singing abilities?" They'd leaned into each other as they spoke and Kate didn't feel any discomfort at all. In fact, she found herself leaning against him, shoulder to shoulder.

"The stuff I wrote was perfect. It just flowed off my fingertips like automatic writing or something. It's so good to be back in the saddle again."

"When you're ready I'll introduce you to Lanie Parrish, our M.E. Be careful though; she's got a strange sense of humor." She was pleased to hear he'd overcome his block. She looked forward to his next novel.

"No time like the present." They walked out together and Kate felt his hand on the small of her back. It felt warm and comforting even though it was just Castle being the gentleman he'd shown himself to be.

They were almost to the elevator when Captain Montgomery called Castle in and handed him a thick sheaf of paper saying, "If you're going to shadow Beckett, there are forms to fill out. Have them back on my desk before you leave tonight."

On the elevator ride down to the morgue Castle looked through the 2-inch thick stack and whistled. "I didn't have to fill out this much paperwork to get in the Army."

"You were in the – "

"Long time ago. Long time." His face asked her not to ask and she didn't. She understood the look but not the reason behind it.

* * *

><p>Morgue<p>

"Dr. Lanie Parrish, this is Rick Castle, the guy I told you about. He's got some questions for you about the current case."

Lanie raised an eyebrow at Kate who silently mouthed "Please?" The doctor folded her arms across her ample chest. "Like what kind of questions?"

"Were you able to determine what kind of knife or tool was used to sever the deceased hands? Is there some way to enhance the victim's tattoo so that Kate can get a image and maybe ID the victim? Are you always so prickly when a guy asks you questions?"

"No. Whatever it was, it was razor sharp. A single stroke so that rules out most machines so it was probably a machete or something along those lines. I can try to get an enhanced image using black light or chemicals. And it depends on who the guy is asking the questions."

"Would a hatchet do the job?"

"Kate, why all the questions? And just who is this guy?" She knew from their girls' night but wanted to hear Kate's explanation. If the look on her face were any indicator, it should be very enlightening since she had nothing good to say about his when last they spoke.

"Rick's working with me on 'freaky cases' and the Captain's given his okay to shadow me if those papers he's lugging around are any indication."

"Okay, _Rick,_ yeah, a really sharp hatchet with a thin blade could account for the clean cuts. Let's see what magic I can conjure up and cast on the tattoo."

Rick was examining the enhanced tattoo on the dead man's upper arm using a large magnifying glass. "Do you happen to have an erasable marker or pen? I need to fill in some blanks here."

Both women stood behind him and looked over his shoulder as he 'drew' an image. They both stepped back in surprise when he said "Bastard!"

"What is it Rick." Kate had never seen the look of disgust on his face before, not even when she'd insulted him in the alley months ago.

"I need access to the internet. Dr. Parrish, do you have – " She nodded and pointed to her office. A few minutes later they were all looking at a color photograph of a shoulder patch for the Serbian 'White Eagle Militia'.

"Ethnic cleansers in Croatia. Killed countless innocents, raped and murdered their way across the country. The worst were charged with war crimes but few were punished. Our victim was an apparent exception."

"That supports your assumption that he was from Eastern Europe."

"But rules out Witness Protection. Still, you should probably check with your FBI guy, Kate."

* * *

><p>Thinking back, Kate realized that contacting the FBI had been prudent but costly. The Feds had swooped in and claimed the body as well as all the evidence and documents related to the case in the name of 'national security'.<p>

Since the FBI had claimed jurisdiction, the case was 'closed' and the matter forgotten. Castle, however, would not let it go, resulting in their first real fight.

"Beckett, that's just so much crap and you know it. The Feds come in, push us aside and walk off with everything leaving us with what?"

"A clear board, Rick. We have other cases pending and besides, you proved your value again and even Esposito has warmed to you and Lanie thinks you're some kind of Sherlock Holmes with a laptop."

"This isn't about me, damn it, it's about – never mind. I just can't believe you're going to walk away from – "

"Castle, if you don't like the way we do things, you're welcome to go and find another playground."

He stared at her for a few seconds and then walked out of the precinct without another word.

She saw Esposito looking at her with a frown, shaking his head. He mouthed 'not cool, Beckett' and then turned back to whatever he was doing.

He was right. It wasn't cool. Not at all. She pushed the one man she felt absolutely comfortable with right out the door.

It was a first for her. _She__'__d_ driven someone she cared about away.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry for the length. I got on a roll. All those reviews and alerts and favorites - sniff, sniff - motivated me.

SheLearnedtheTruthat17 – by Oldest Man

Chapter 3  
>For Marine-CO who walked out of the shadows.<p>

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<p>

"Dad, you can't just sit around like this day after day. Get dressed and go do something. Grams should be back from Florida next week so you are free to go out and track down some honey – "

"Alexis Castle, I don't want to hear talk like that coming out of your mouth again. Seriously, it's hardly becoming for a lady to talk like that. And I'm not in the mood for hunting. I don't date, Alexis, you know that. Now, get your stuff and get a move on. You'll be late for school if you don't hurry."

"Daddy, it's Saturday. I'm going over to Becky's later to work on our science fair project but I can stay if you want some company."

"No. I think I need to do some – I thought I turned that damned cell phone off."

It was Gina Cowell, ex-wife and publisher. _'__I __wish __she __were __my __ex-publisher __while __I__'__m __wishing.__'_

"Rick, your first four chapters are great. I'm sending back some edits for your approval but basically it's great stuff. Where did you dream up 'Nikki Heat'?"

"I met someone who I used as a template for my character. I spent some time consulting on a case and there was this Detective running the investigation and I just incorporated her into the role of Nikki Heat."

"I sense a change in the character from the first few chapters to the last one. What's going on in your head, Rick? Why is she suddenly guarded and rigid, a real stickler for the rules?"

He knew exactly what Gina was talking about now that it was thrown in his face. He'd written her character in the chapter as he perceived the sudden shift in the dynamic between them.

"Gina, trash it. I'll change the tone and soften Nikki up a bit, make her less rigid. I was shooting for 'stoic' and I guess I missed."

"Okay, I understand. I'll delete chapter 4 but I want a rewrite on my desk before close of business Monday."

She hung up as she always did everything – abruptly.

He went into his study and pulled up chapter 4 and started deleting things. He saved his changes and then began to write Nikki Heat as he often wished she could be.

Thinking back to other conversations, Castle grinned. The detective needed a love interest, someone to soften the hard planes of her face when she took off her mask and armor in the comfort and safety of her home.

He created Jameson Rook, a newspaper columnist who also wrote crime novels. He usually haunted the city desk of the New York Intelligencer, his faithful (and some detractors said smarter) guide dog, Veritas, by his side.

Jameson Rook was blind.

* * *

><p>Morgue<br>Dr. Parrish's office

"So he just walked out? Turned around and walked out? Why? What happened?" Lanie Parrish was sitting at her desk watching her best friend come to terms with the absence of a certain writer.

"He was really upset about the Feds claiming jurisdiction and taking all our files away on the Szedny case. I tried to explain to him that sometimes shit happens but he wouldn't listen so I just told him to find another sandbox to play in."

"Oh, Katie, you really need to learn how to handle men. Well, at least we got the espresso machine out of the deal." She thought about that a minute and then said, "You don't think he'll take it back, do you?"

"What do you think I should do, Lanie?"

"Chain the damned thing to the wall, post a guard 24/7 and run off anyone who even looks like a coffee service guy." She dealt with the really important things in life first.

"No, about Castle. C'mon, Lanie, give me a little help here. We work so well together and I don't want to lose that. I think if we'd have had more time we'd have cracked the Szedny case. We were so close…"

"You and Writer Boy getting close, hmm? He was good for you, y'know? He brought out the 'girl' in you even though it was subtle. You dressed differently, took time with your hair and makeup…"

"Was it that obvious? I mean…"

"It was obvious to me who knows you better than anyone but like I said, it was subtle. Something else – you were comfortable with him invading your personal space and from what I saw, he didn't mind it when you invaded his. Little things, Kate, like the way he placed the palm of his hand in the small of your back letting you know he was there for you. Like I said, subtle."

"Lanie, you make it sound like we're something more than we really were. Yeah, I was comfortable around him because I knew he wasn't judging me, measuring me against some personal standard and I liked that. I could relax around Rick and I miss that."

"Why do you think you feel that way? What's different about him than any of the other guys around you? Is it because he's never made a pass at you?"

"Lanie! Castle's not in the market for anything more than inspiration and research." She sounded sincere, even to herself.

"You never answered my questions, Beckett. You just deflected again. What's different about Castle?"

"He has a daughter. She's 14 and beautiful. She was horribly burned when she was 3 and her mother abandoned Rick and Alexis for her career. Rick's had to be both mother and father and support her through 6 painful operations."

"So her scars are – "

"Still there. It's what he's instilled in her that makes her beautiful, Lanie. He told her that 'Imperfections are God's way of making people notice the beauty.' She said…" She stopped talking, choking up and rapidly blinking tears away.

"Go on, Katie. What did she say?" Whatever the young girl had said to Kate had affected her more than anything she'd seen before. The imperfection comment had almost brought tears to Lanie and she knew how it would affect her friend.

"She said that her dad had told her that I was very pretty but that all the anger inside of me made me ugly." Now she did let the tears fall, unashamed in front of her friend.

Lanie pulled her into a hug and sighed, blinking back her own tears. The man had touched Katie's soul with his words and she was determined to get them back together, at least professionally.

He was good for her. He told it like it was without pulling punches but without the cruelty others would employ in getting their point across.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Castle had written seven additional chapters over the weekend and emailed the drafts to Gina for editing and comments. The comments were quick in coming. Email wasn't quick enough for Gina. She called him.

"Rick, this stuff is so good it hardly needs editing. This Rook guy is the perfect foil to your hard ass detective and their personal interaction and their private moments at home are such a departure from your normal stuff. More! I want more! I can see us using the Beckett woman as – "

"Leave Kate out of any of your damned marketing schemes, Gina! She's not to be used in any fashion, not her name, her image, nor any references to her existence, do you understand me? Nikki Heat is a fictional character that I conjured up. There is no 'real' Nikki Heat."

"But Ricky…" Gina whined and he remembered another reason for the divorce.

"I mean it. One slip up and I'll trash the novel. One reference from you or any of your 'outlets' and I'll sue you and Black Pawn for whatever Paula can dream up and she's very creative and protective."

"Fine, but you're pissing away a golden opportunity for – Ricky? Ricky? You bastard!" She was talking to dead air. Castle had hung up on her and turned off his cell phone. Bastard!

Gina knew she had a bird's nest on the ground in this Beckett woman and she was feeling very cat-like. She smelled money. Castle would come around. He always did. He had an ego and she'd just stroke it until he came around to her way of thinking. And if he didn't, she had other ways…

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Lanie had waited a few days until Beckett was off testifying in court on a case that had finally made it to trial before implementing her plan.

"Hey there, Detective Javier Esposito, how's it goin'?"

"You'd know, chica, if you weren't so damned stubborn. Dinner, Lanie, just dinner. C'mon, gimme a break here. You know we'd be good for each other. I'm getting discouraged here. You flirt and hint but never take me up on my offers. Just one date, that's all I'm asking for."

She smiled and wondered why she always said 'No' when she wanted to say 'Yes'. It wasn't the race thing. She just wasn't sure how they'd still work together if things got hot 'n heavy and then fell apart.

"Tell you what, Javi, you do me a favor and I'll go to dinner with you. Maybe hit a dance club later and you can show me those Latin moves you keep hinting at."

He was instantly on guard. Whatever favor she wanted was probably illegal. He wondered if she'd carried out her standard threat of 'I'll kill you and no one will ever find the body' on some poor guy.

"Depends. I don't do nothing illegal, chica, not even for you."

"Not illegal, just maybe a bit uncomfortable if your boss lady gets wind of it. I want you to go see Richard Castle and get his dumb Writer Boy ass back here with Beckett."

"He walked out. I heard what she said and I'd have booked, too. He's got pride, Lanie, and pride is sometimes all it takes for a man to do stupid things."

"Just go over to his loft and talk to him. Use that Latin charm and get him to see that Beckett's hurting and misses him. Between us, I think she's got a case of the hots for her shadow but doesn't know how to deal with it. They're good together. You see it."

He did. It was a good idea.

"Okay but forget about the date. I'll do it for Beckett. He _is_ good for her and that makes her easier to work with and he's helped out a lot on some of the freaky cases. Tell Kevin I went to an early lunch."

He got up and left, leaving Lanie speechless. She really wanted to see some of those Latin moves he was always bragging about and figured he'd jump at the opening she'd given him but he hadn't. She didn't know how long it would take her to work up the courage to say 'yes' the next time he asked – if he even asked.

* * *

><p>Castle Loft<p>

Esposito parked in front of the double glass doors of Castle's building. A doorman hustled out and told him he couldn't park there but he pointed to the placard on the dashboard that said 'Official NYPD Business' and then asked for Castle.

"Mr. Castle's down in the gym. Take the elevator to the lower level and it's to the right of the elevator. He isn't in any trouble, is he? He's a nice guy and his daughter's a real sweetheart."

"Nah. We did some work together and I just want to go over some notes on a case."

* * *

><p>Gym<p>

Castle was purging the anger from his system the best way he knew how. He was attacking the suspended body bag with fist and kicks. He could feel the burn in his thighs and calves and wished he'd done this more often. He was getting older and staying in shape was more important than ever.

He leveled a spin kick at the 'chest' of his assailant and followed it up with several punches to the body. He didn't hear Esposito come in as he loaded all his weight on his left leg and then spun around to deliver a crushing side kick to imaginary ribs when Esposito called out 'Yo, Castle' and it was just enough of a distraction that his kick landed badly.

He felt white hot pain in his knee and fell to the hard gym floor stifling a scream when he looked and saw that his knee cap wasn't where it was supposed to be and that his leg was bending in a manner it wasn't designed to do.

Right before he passed out from the pain, his mind registered Esposito's 911 call for an ambulance.

* * *

><p>ER<p>

"Mr. Castle, we're going to give you something for the pain. You'll feel a little pinch and – " but Castle interrupted the nurse's attempts at comforting him.

"No! My daughter's alone. My mother is out of town until the weekend. Just push the damned thing back where it belongs and wrap it in an Ace bandage. She's only 14 and – "

"Sleep, Mr. Castle. We'll have someone from Child Services pick her up."

As his vision darkened and consciousness slipped away, Castle's only thought was 'Alexis, I'm so sorry'.

* * *

><p>ER waiting room<p>

Esposito sat on the hard plastic chair waiting for word on his boss' shadow. He hadn't taken to Castle at all at first, figuring he was just some hot-shot playboy using the real cops for research for his novels. As time went by he found himself warming to the friendly and gullible author and now he considered him almost a friend.

"Mr. Esposito, Mr. Castle is scheduled for the OR as soon as the orthopedist get the results of the CT scan. He has a daughter and has no one to watch over her so we've alerted Child Protective Services to pick her up and put her into a temporary foster home."

"No way! He's one of us and his daughter is our responsibility. The 12th takes care of its own. I'll have someone pick her up and we'll watch over her. Call them back and cancel the pickup order."

"I'm sorry, Mr. – "

"It's Detective Esposito, and sorry or not, you will cancel that order. If anyone takes his kid into protective custody it'll be us and not the damned foster care system."

Esposito called Lanie and gave her the situation in as few words as possible. He was keeping one eye on the do-gooder nurse as she talked with a hospital social worker. He didn't trust the system. He knew too many horror stories to allow Castle's daughter to experience any of them.

"Esposito, Beckett and I will be right there. Javi, don't let them take her. We'll think of something. I gotta go, Javi. You watch out for him in the mean time. See ya in an hour, max."

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>Homicide Division

Beckett answered the phone and listened, her head forehead braced on the palm of one hand. She asked Lanie to repeat what she said twice. Her heart skipped a beat each time she heard 'Castle's been injured'.

"Okay, I'll meet you out front and we'll go to the ER and see what we can find out. She's in school today at York Academy and she knows me so I guess I'm the one who gets to keep little Castle at the loft until her dad's out of the hospital or his mother shows up."

She explained what she had to do to Captain Montgomery who gave her the go-ahead. He figured he'd carry her as 'casual' so she wouldn't lose any money or time. After all, Castle was almost one of their own.

She met Lanie in the parking lot and told her she was going to pick up Alexis at school and would meet her at the hospital. Lanie filled her in on the nature of the injury and how it happened. Esposito was feeling guilty and was staying until they knew how the surgery went and also to hold off CPS if they should show up.

* * *

><p>York Academy<br>Upper Westside

She waited in the headmaster's office for Alexis to get her things and accompany her to the hospital. She had her homework and class assignments through the end of the week and one of her friends was going to come to the loft with her class notes.

"Okay, Detective Beckett, let's go. I'll bet it was the right knee. He was told to take it easy the last time he tore his ACL sparring but he never listens. Never."

"I know. But it's one of the things that make him who he is. And it's Kate, Alexis. Listen, we're going to have to wing it if we're going to keep you out of the clutches of CPS. I don't suppose Gina could – "

"Oh, God no! I'd rather have foster parents than that – that – that whore! Dad barred here from the loft and I can't stay with her. I hate her for what she did to him."

"Is it okay if I stay with you at the loft? You'll be around familiar things and it'll make visiting your dad easier all around."

"I was hoping you'd suggest it. I know you have your own life but – "

"Not much of one and I do like the idea of having another girl around to talk to."

They parked in the ER lot and went in to find Lanie and Esposito. While Lanie talked with Alexis about what had happened, Beckett grilled Esposito without mercy.

"Why were you even at the loft? He quit. He walked out. Lanie said you feel guilty about something. Did you go there to threaten him or some crazy man-thing?"

"I found him in the building's gym. Man, a classy place, Beckett. I called out to him just as he was bashing the heavy bag with a sidekick and it distracted him. Man, he displaced his entire knee."

She filed her questions about Castle's 'sparring' for another time.

"Doesn't answer my questions, Esposito. Why-were-you-there?"

"Um, well, Lanie said you were too proud to ask him to come back so she asked me to do it. Beckett, you two are good together. You click. He makes you easier to be around and he does good work, too. We wanted you two back together, that's why I was there."

"Okay. We'll talk about this later. Right now my concerns are for Alexis. Back me up, Esposito, or I'll transfer you back to uniform with a strong recommendation for a file clerk position."

"I got your back, boss." He'd seen Castle's daughter's face and knew why his boss felt close to her. He wondered if that was why Castle seemed so at ease with Beckett – because he saw the same thing every day?

The two detectives walked back into the surgical waiting room just as Lanie was pushing Alexis behind her and squaring off to do battle with two large social workers from CPS.

"What's going on here? Where do you think you're taking my fiance's daughter? Alexis, honey, come over here. Look, her dad and I live together. It's not a public thing so none of these people knew enough to call me sooner. We're getting married soon and Alexis is already like a daughter to me so I'm responsible for her."

After a lot of hemming and hawing, the two social workers left. Alexis hugged Kate and muttered 'Thanks, 'MOM' and smiled up at her. Beckett felt like crying for a second. She'd never get a chance to be a mom. This was the closest she'd ever get.

"So, Beckett, you and Castle?" Esposito had a big grin on his face. He was proud of his boss for her quick thinking but wasn't going to let an opportunity to zing her pass.

"Yeah, Esposito, me and Rick. Got a problem with it?" Alexis was still hanging onto her and she felt the girl giggle. "That's my future 'mom'."

"No – no, Beckett. No problem at all." He didn't know what to think. She'd been so adamant and it was obvious that she and Castle's daughter were comfortable with each other. Were they 'Caskett', as Lanie called them behind their backs?

"Shut your mouth, Lanie, before you swallow a fly. Alexis, let's go find our guy, okay?"


	4. Chapter 4

Interest is flagging so I'll wrap it up in the next chapter. Won't waste time on something unappreciated.

OM

* * *

><p><span>She <span>Learned the Truth at 17 – by Oldest Man

Chapter 4

Mercy Hospital  
>Surgical Waiting Room<p>

Kate and Alexis sat together talking quietly. Lanie Parrish was staring at her friend and feeling a little left out and perhaps, a little jealous.

The little redhead had broken down all Kate's barriers and the two of them were obviously very comfortable with each other if their laughter and quiet moments were any indicators. She glanced over at Esposito who sat with Kevin Ryan who had shown up after hearing about Castle via the police grapevine.

They were talking about some sports bet they had and she was surprised at how open Ryan was about almost everything. He seemed so innocent at times yet she knew some of his record. You don't get to homicide if you're an 'innocent'.

"My dad really likes you, Kate. Boy-girl like. He was really pis – I mean he was really mad about something you said and he shut himself up in his study and wrote and wrote and then just sulked."

Kate didn't know how to respond. 'Boy-girl like'? Castle?

"It's okay, Kate. He's a big boy. He knows his place. You know how he said you were pretty before? He changed his mind. He said you were the Ugly Duckling who'd grown into a beautiful swan but was too stubborn to just look at her reflection in the pond and see what only a blind man could miss. God, he's such a Twilighter, some times."

"He said that? Really? And what's a 'Twilighter'?" God, she sounded like some hormonal teenager in the throes of first love.

"Yeah, that's what he said. Kate! Don't tell me you've never read or seen 'Twilight'? No way. We've got the Trilogy of books and the latest DVDs at the house. You just have to watch it. It's – yeah, you have to watch it."

"Okay. Maybe we'll have a girls' movie night? Popcorn, a movie and all that stuff." She actually was looking forward to spending time with Alexis. She was a font of knowledge about Rick.

It seemed like she'd been sitting on the hard plastic chair for days when it had only been a few hours.

'_Maybe Castle's right when he says I need to put on some weight. Right now I could use the padding on my butt.'_

A surgeon walked out into the surgical waiting room and asked for the family of Richard Castle. They all stood up and approached the doctor.

"He's in recovery and he'll be moved to a regular room as soon as his stats are stable. He'll be our guest for a few more days and then you lucky people get to take him home. He'll be on crutches for a few weeks and then in physiotherapy for as long as it takes."

* * *

><p>Ryan and Esposito left after the doctor told them 'family only' visitors until the next day. Lanie hung around in case Beckett had any questions but then left when it was apparent that there weren't going to be any.<p>

"Kate, I'm heading back. Call me if you need anything. Alexis, don't let her do anything she shouldn't."

Alexis' stomach growled and she blushed and hung her head. Redheads are notorious blushers and Alexis had always been one of the most notorious. She hated blushing since a blush seemed to accentuate her scars because of the differing thickness of skin tissues.

"Alexis, I notice that whenever you blush you hang your head. I used to do the same thing but I guess as I grew older, I blushed less. You know you'll grow out of it, too. It's just that with your complexion, a blush is just so much more noticeable."

"I do embarrass easily. Kate, do you think I should have another operation? Do you think it would make a real difference? Dad says it's my decision. He always hoped that each operation would – fix me, I guess. He says it doesn't matter to him, that it's my life and my decision. What do you think?"

"Alexis, I think that what your father says is right. It _is_ your decision. What do you think?"

"I never got a valentine. I'm almost 15 and I've never kissed a boy. I sit in the dark and watch romantic comedies and I'm afraid I'll wake up some morning at sixty and realize I missed out on so much. What if it doesn't work?"

"What if it does? But let's say it doesn't. Alexis, trust me, there's someone out there who'll be your perfect guy. You're too young to worry about being sixty. Sixteen will be hard enough."

_'I never got a valentine either. Not after I got burned. Who the hell am I to offer advice? I mean, 'your perfect guy'? It's easier to accept it at 14 than at 28. There's no one out there for me. Maybe I should consider surgery. Maybe…'_

A nurse interrupted her musings and told them that he was in a room, room 403 and that they could stay as long as they liked.

* * *

><p>Room 403<p>

It had been a long day. Alexis was asleep, curled up in a comfortable position on a chair leaving Kate with nothing else to do except watch 'Castle watch', something she'd never admit to in a thousand years. He looked – small – lying there with his leg elevated in a complicated brace. She hadn't taken notice of her treacherous hand that seemed to seek out his. It was warm and comfortable and was ignoring Kate's pleas to get back in her lap with its mate.

She held it loosely and felt warmed by the contact. He looked so young an innocent lying there. She wanted to shake him awake and make sure he was still alive. His hand twitched and hers sought to comfort it in an embrace, intertwining her fingers in his.

She watched her hand caress his and glanced up to see his blue eyes fixed on hers. She tried to retrieve her hand but his simply would not release its new-found lover.

"Hey." His voice was raspy and she broke off the affair she was having with his hand and put a straw between his lips and watched as he drank a few sips, never breaking eye contact with her.

"Thanks." Kate sat back down and once again her traitorous hand sought out its new lover. She knew she was blushing from the sudden bloom of heat on her cheeks but he didn't look away. No, if anything, he made the situation worse when he looked down at their hands and smiled a sweet smile of approval.

"How bad?" She whispered the answers with the same tone and volume with which he'd addressed her. It was like waking up beside a lover for the first time and enjoying the bubble that must surround them.

"What time is it?" He still hadn't looked away except for the brief moment he'd smiled almost paternally at their entwined hands.

"Almost 1am. Child Protective Services was going to put Alexis in the system until your mother got back but I told them I'd watch over her. We'll stay at the loft if that's okay. I'll arrange to cut my hours until either you're out of here or your mother comes back so she won't be alone."

"Thanks. Could you wake her up so I can say goodnight and then I think you two need to get some sleep. Thanks, Kate. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Their hands parted and she felt hers reach out again for its lost lover but she clasped it with her other hand and smiled.

"Good idea. We'll be back tomorrow after she's done with school. I'll have one of the guys drop off your cell phone so you won't be totally at the mercy of the hospital."

Kate gently woke Alexis who was immediately on 'go' when she saw her father awake and alert. After a long lecture about 'using that leg', she hugged her father and said to Kate, 'I'll get his personal things from the nurse and meet you there'.

Once the teen was outside of the room, Castle laughed quietly and, at a raised eyebrow from Kate, explained his laugh.

"She's raised me up into the man I am today. Mother moved in a year ago after husband #3, or was it #4? Well, after the bastard stole all the money she had. 'Mother' is just her title; Alexis has always handled day-to-day disciplining.

Kate laughed and then covered her mouth in embarrassment. "Sorry, but the way you phrased that was so – "

"The truth doesn't always hurt, Kate. Look, you're dead on your feet. Head back to the loft and I'll see you tomorrow. Mi casa es su casa. Alexis…" A huge yawn interrupted him. "Alexis knows where the credit cards are. Order in whatever floats your boat and make sure she doesn't stay up past 11 studying. Now, amscray, Kate. You need to sleep."

This time it was his hand that slipped around hers and entwined its fingers among hers.

"Okay. Oh, by the way, just so CPS doesn't get in your face, we live together and are engaged. That's how I kept Alexis from being put in foster care. Don't blow our cover, Rick."

"Damn! Beautiful and smart. Smart is sexy, Kate. I appreciate your intervention. She – she doesn't deserve foster care but it brings home a need for a solution to one problem I have. Thanks."

"You're most welcome. We're planning on eating you out of house and home. She's plotting a 'Twilight' night and was appalled that I was totally ignorant of the books."

Her treacherous hand was caressing his again and seemed to have developed a mind unto itself. On impulse, she leaned over and kissed his cheek and then bolted from the room.

Castle smiled to himself and then pressed the button on the medicator and allowed the drug to ease the pain he'd been wrestling with since awakening. It had been worth the pain to see them together and to then to talk with Kate without the boundaries of the Precinct hemming in their words.

_'Engaged? Living together? Cool…'_

* * *

><p>Castle's loft<p>

Kate had kept her mind busy with mundane things on the drive back to the loft. Alexis had retrieved her father's personal stuff from the nurse and had fretted over his missing cell phone, wallet and keys.

Kate had assured her that he'd probably left his cell phone and wallet in the loft when he went to the gym to work out. That didn't explain the missing keys and she planned on checking out the gym when they got to the loft.

His 'missing' items were at the front desk. The doorman had hurried to open the door at 2am when he'd seen who was getting out of the vehicle on his CCTV monitor.

"Miss Castle, your dad's things are at the desk. I'll get them for you. How's he doing?"

Explanations given, the two tired 'Castle girls' took the elevator to the 21st floor and the loft. After a brief 'discussion', Kate was lying in Rick's bed surrounded by his scent. The mattress was sucking the life out of her and she'd never felt anything so marvelous. The sheets felt like silk and her last thought was _'I could get used to this'_ before falling asleep.

6:45am

Alexis had coffee made and was already dressed for school when she knocked on the door and woke Kate.

"Kate, coffee's made and I'm heading off for school. I'm meeting some friends for a quick breakfast and I'll be back around 3:30ish. See ya later."

Beckett's first thought was 'where am I and who is outside my door' but memory kicked in and she mumbled a good morning and got up.

"Morning. Alexis, did you say 'coffee'?" She didn't want to get up. The life-sucking bed was so comfortable and the sheets and comforter were like a lover's embrace – so warm and welcome. She shook her head and headed for the shower. She had just enough time to get back to apartment and change and then make it to the precinct.

She was blow-drying her hair wondering why Castle had a built-in salon quality blow dryer in his bathroom when Alexis pounded on her door shouting, "Kate, we have a problem. Kate?"

Beckett pulled on her clothes and opened the door, forgetting for a moment that she hadn't brushed her hair out in her concerns for Alexis.

"What's the problem?"

"The press. I got off the elevator and saw several photographers that I know from past encounters. You're going to have to leave by the garage entrance. I'm sorry, Kate. I had no idea – maybe they're just here for Dad and don't know he's still in the hospital."

"No problem. I'll finish up here and leave by the back way. Thanks for the coffee by the way. Now you better scoot or you'll miss your friends."

While Alexis braved the paparazzi who'd congregated around the building's main entrance and shouted question at her that she ignored, Kate slipped out the back way and into her parked car. She was just putting the keys in the ignition when someone knocked on her side window. She glanced over, startled, and her hair swept back with the movement and someone took a picture then another and yet another.

She fumbled with the keys while she heard 'Are you Richard Castle's fiance? Do you live together? Are you really a cop?' There may have been others but those were the ones that stuck in her mind,

She pulled out and drove quickly to her apartment where she slammed the door in anger and frustration. 'How dare those animals take my picture!' She had other thoughts but that one kept repeating itself in her mind.

She dressed quickly for work and got caught up in paperwork for a case and didn't think too much about the morning's events.

Later that afternoon she dropped Alexis off alone to see her dad because she had been called out by Esposito and Ryan on a body drop.

"Hey, I thought I was off rotation. I had to leave Castle's daughter at the hospital to come here and I need to get back. What's so important?"

"Remember the guy with no hands? We got another one. Same deal. Shot execution-style in the back of the neck and his hands are nowhere to be found. The Feds took over the first case. Should we call them in on this one?"

"No. We'll work this one until someone tells us otherwise. Keep me in the loop and ask Lanie to call me with her results."

She drove back to the hospital and ran into Alexis in the hallway, leaning against the wall with her face in her hands. She'd obviously been crying and refused to look Kate in the eye.

"Alexis, please look at me. Is there something wrong with your dad? Has something happened?" She turned to the room door, drawn by the sound of an angry Castle cursing at someone.

She walked into the room and was surprised to see him sitting up with newspapers strewn all over the bed.

"Look, you tell that fat ass to be here in 30 minutes or he can kiss the annual donation to the Burn Unit goodbye. I want answers and I want them right now. Room 403."

He disconnected the call. He didn't see Kate standing in the door and he made another call. She never expected to see Castle this angry. She never expected him to be capable of such anger.

"Paula, Rick. Get hold of the accountant and cancel the donation to the Mercy Burn Unit. No, I'm not insane, I'm mad. Did you see – okay, then you know why. Bastards. Don't they know the meaning of the word 'privacy'? Also, get on the horn to your PR gnomes and start damage control. She never signed on for this and I'll be damned if I'll allow her to be further hurt by these – these jackals. I don't care about that, just get it done."

He disconnected the call and threw his head back against the pillow muttering, "Shit. She'll never let me in now." He scrubbed his face with his hands and then looked up and saw her.

"Kate. I'm so sorry. I had no idea they could be so heartless. Please, just say something?"

She walked in, intending to sit with him and find out what had pissed him off so badly when a folded section of the newspaper caught her eye.

"No! No! This – no!" She turned and bolted from the room, unable to stifle the sudden sobs that tore from her chest.

"Kate! Wait! Please…" He tore out his IV and somehow got his leg out of the suspended sling and then hopped out into the hall in hot pursuit.

A nurse tried to stop him and he just ran her over. Every step was agony but he knew it was nothing compared to what Beckett must be feeling.

Someone called for an orderly and a big guy stepped out of a side hall and tried to stop him.

"Sir, you're tearing up the doc's work. Let's get you into a wheel – "

Castle elbowed him in the chest and hung onto the railing and pulled himself along, trying to keep his weight off his right leg.

"Kate! Damn it, Beckett…" He hobbled into the surgical waiting room and pulled himself over and into a chair beside her. She was bent over, face in her hands, elbows on her knees, and sobbing. He sat down gratefully and put his arm around her back and leaned over and almost whispered.

"Kate, I'm so sorry. I'm trying to get them to stop any further publications. I can't undo what's been done but I can damned well make certain it doesn't continue."

She sat up, shrugging off his arm. "You need to get back into bed and quit scaring your daughter half to death. She was out in the hallway – "

"I know. She brought me the paper and saw – and then she ran out. I didn't know, I swear, Kate. Alexis isn't afraid, she's angry and feels responsible. We both do. I never thought that – "

"Mr. Castle, I heard you wanted to see me." A large man in a very expensive suit stood in the doorway looking disturbed at the interruption.

"Yeah. You just lost $25,000. I started the pediatric burn ward with a quarter million dollar donation. The Alexis Rogers Foundation. Ring a bell? Well, it's gone. I'll give it to Sinai from now on."

"What? Be reasonable, Mr. Castle. The children – "

"One of your staff violated my privacy and caused someone I care a great deal about personal embarrassment and hurt. I can't tolerate that. Get one of your minions to prepare AMA discharge papers. I can't get out of this gossip mill fast enough. You can count on hearing from my attorneys on this one."

"Rick, you can't just leave. Your leg – " Kate couldn't believe all that she'd heard and that he was leaving AMA.

"Please take Alexis and me back to the loft. I'll be fine there. I won't bother you again after this. I'm just so damned sorry it happened."

It took 20 minutes to get him dressed and into a wheelchair and then out to Kate's car. Neither of them said one word to each other and Alexis just sat quietly after Castle managed to crawl into the back seat.

Beckett pulled down into the underground garage after being stopped by private security who verified her name against a list. Apparently Castle's instructions had included private security and for once she was glad he had such power.

By the time Alexis and Kate got him situated on the couch, his face was pale and sweaty from the pain.

"Castle, you weren't the one who took the photographs. Neither you nor Alexis should feel guilty. Look, I've gotten used to the stares and winces when people catch a glimpse of my face. I'm tough. I can handle it. Let me say goodbye to Alexis and then I'll go. I don't think you should come to the precinct anymore though, Rick."

"Beckett, please, just listen to me. I want to, no, I need to make this right. Look, there have been a lot of improvements and advances in plastic surgery. Let me – let me pay for one last operation. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin. I want you to be happy."

She sat down beside him and leaned against him unconsciously. "Why? Why is it so damned important that you do this? You don't owe me squat, Castle, and I'd rather you gave the money to a hospital. I am comfortable in my own skin and – "

He reached over and pulled her hair away from her face and she cringed and pushed him away, looking down and away from him, hiding her face.

"Are you, Kate? I don't think so. Go say goodbye to Alexis. I'll send you a copy of my book. Thanks for staying with her. Thanks for everything. Be safe out there."

"Rick, I – " There was really nothing she could say at this point. Her reaction to his touch and his response spoke volumes. She said goodbye to Alexis and then leaned over and pressed a kiss into Castle's sweaty hair and left.


	5. Chapter 5

A little breather between heartbeats

She Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man

Chapter 5

* * *

><p>Her apartment felt empty just like she did. Kate opened a bottle of wine to let it 'breathe' while she took a bath. She felt dirty and needed a bath. Maybe the hot water and bath oil would leach out some of the tension she felt. Nothing would touch how hurt she felt and how badly she hurt for Castle.<p>

Kate checked her cell phone for messages and saw that her father had called her twice and that Lanie had called 4 times. She remembered turning off her cell phone when she entered the hospital.

She took the wine bottle and a glass and her cell phone into the bathroom. She shed her clothes in a pile and eased into the hot water. She felt relaxed after the second glass and called Lanie.

"Hey, Lanie. I had my phone off in the hospital. What's up." She tried for nonchalance but didn't fool Lanie for an instant.

"I saw the newspaper, Kate. How are you handling yourself? Need some company?"

"I'm fine, Lanie. It just took me by surprise. Castle was more upset that I was. He lowered the boom on the hospital, cut all funding and checked himself out AMA."

"Uh huh. Yeah, sure. Look, I'm coming over there. I want to make sure you're really 'fine and dandy' like you say."

"Okay, so I'm not fine. I fell apart and I just made things worse. Castle got out of bed and followed me and he saw me crying and, oh, Lanie, I made him feel horrible. He blames himself for my melt down and – and he even offered to pay for an operation to make it up to me. He feels so responsible but it was me, me, who claimed to be his fiance to keep his daughter out of CPS."

"So why are you at home when you should be with him? He's going to be in tremendous pain and if you said he walked on it, he's probably set himself back a long ways. No doubt he'll be the next one getting the operation not you."

"I could never take his money for something like that. Look, I'm in the tub and it's getting cold. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Deflection thy name is Beckett.

Loft

Alexis watched as her dad hopped and hobbled his way into his study and closed the door. He blamed himself for the photos in the newspaper even though he had nothing to do with it. Someone at the hospital probably tipped off the press and they gathered outside the loft like vultures.

She loved her father more than anything but sometimes she hated the life he lived. Living in a fishbowl with a daughter who looked like a reject from 'SAW' wasn't easy for him although he did the best job anyone could ever do of keeping her out of the limelight.

It was what had killed so many budding relationships for him in he past except for publicity hounds like Gina who craved the limelight for both personal and professional reasons. He wore two wedding rings on a gold chain to remind him of the fallacies of 'true' love.

She had hoped that something might blossom between the Detective and her father but knew it was doomed before the incident with the paparazzi. She was just too scarred in spirit to allow someone like her father past her walls.

Alexis knew all about walls. She had her own and from her recent experiences and observations, she needed to build them thicker and stronger. Not everyone was a sweetheart like her dad.

12th Precinct

Lanie was waiting for Kate at her desk when she arrived. She watched as her friend walked through the corridor and into the bullpen still wearing her sunglasses.

"Hey, Kate. Bright sunny day?" It was raining outside.

"Give it a rest, Lanie. I had a bad night and this morning hasn't been exactly perfect either. What do you have on the body the guys called me in on yesterday afternoon?"

"He was dumped in that vacant lot. No blood and believe me if you hacked of someone's arms you'd have blood even after death. He's got the same faded tattoo as the other guy and he was shot in the same manner, execution style, with a 9mm. Ballistics is checking the bullets but I'll bet they're from the same weapon."

"That's it?"

"That's all I got. Want to grab a coffee and you can tell me all about what you soft-pedaled last night over the phone?"

"There's nothing else to tell. You won't see Castle around here. We agreed that he shouldn't come in any more. End of story." They hadn't agreed but it made it more palatable when she put it in those terms.

Lanie could tell there was more but she'd bide her time and ask again when the moment was right.

Ryan and Esposito signaled her that they wanted to talk 'in private' so Kate excused herself and got coffee (_Castle__'__s __coffee_, her traitorous mind supplied) and walked casually into the observation room. They had files spread out on a table and were impatiently waiting for her.

"I put in a query about murders with the same M.O. and got three more hits. One in Queens, one upstate in Salamanca and the third out on the island in Massapequa. All occurred within the past 3 months and all of them were marked 'closed' and then taken over by a special FBI task force.

Loft

Alexis had wanted to stay home from school and 'look after him' but he sent his little would be Florence Nightingale off to be educated. He told her that he would be fine. He had his cell phone, TV and intended to finish off his novel and then sleep the rest of the day away.

Castle hadn't slept a wink the night before. He'd been driven to finish off the Nikki Heat novel and then, he told himself, he would sleep. The constant white hot pain in his leg kept him awake and edgy, just what he needed to finish up his one and only foray into big city crime solving.

Gina had emailed back a brief, for her, critique and he'd made changes in voice and some minor word substitutions and emailed it back. Once the galleys were ready and approved and the cover art finalized, the real work was done and Gina and her crew would start the marketing and promotions. The book would hit the shelves and stores right after Halloween but in time for Christmas sales.

He took two oxycodone tablets and dry swallowed them. The two he'd taken 2 hours earlier hadn't worked as advertised. He still felt.

Sighing in resignation, he closed down his computer and walked, (was 'crutched' a word?), through the loft but one look at the short staircase to his bedroom was enough discouragement so he put in a DVD and sat on the couch propping his leg on the coffee table.

His senses betrayed his calm and flooded him with memories of the previous day. What a rat screw his life had turned into.

12th Precinct

Beckett was drinking coffee and leaning against her desk studying the murder board when she caught sight of an entourage of black suits filing into the Captain's office. Ryan nudged Esposito who took in the group and then walked over to his boss.

"Want me to start gathering up the files so the Feds can get in and out without stinking up the place?"

"No. Make them ask. All of these victims have one thing in common and that's the tattoo, the exact same tattoo as the White Eagles patch. Castle knew exactly what it was. Damn him, he would have to go all noble on me when I need him here."

"Beckett, a word?" The same phrase he'd used months ago when she first met Castle. She shook her head and then walked to the captain's office. It was infested with FBI agents.

"Detective Beckett, this is Special Agent in Charge Jordan Shaw. She's here to…"

Beckett sighed and looked down, a habit she thought she'd broken being around Castle.

"I'll have the boys get the files together." She started to leave when a woman's soft alto voice said, "You don't understand. We're here to set up a joint task force with your team. You're making better progress and we figure combining information and staff makes sense."

Agent Shaw and Beckett were sitting at her desk staring at her murder board drinking some of 'Castle's coffee' and getting to know one another. It had been a long afternoon.

"So tell me about Richard Castle, Kate. I saw the Post. I'll bet things were tense between you two last night."

"Yeah, but things happen. He blames himself. It wasn't his fault but he thinks it was. He won't be coming around anymore."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best. Being together 24/7 is taxing on a relationship." Shaw had made an assumption about Kate and Rick but Kate set her straight.

"There is no relationship. We're not even friends anymore." Her voice betrayed her and when Shaw asked for details, Kate unloaded on her leaving, the FBI agent more than a little uncomfortable with her assumptions.

"Wow. That's a lot to take in. Kate, I never noticed the scarring and I'll bet that Castle didn't either other than to note it and then move things along. He sounds like someone I'd like to get to know."

"He's the one who made the connection between the tattoo and the White Eagle Militia. He makes the most intuitive leaps that leave me breathless sometimes. Other times, his ideas are dumber than a bag of hammers."

"Wait here. I have something I want to show you." Shaw walked away for a few moments and then returned with a folder full of photographs.

"See anyone familiar here?" She handed Kate the file and she sat down and started leafing through the thick stack of photographs until she stopped at one of three men standing together in the rubble of a blown up building.

"That guy on the left with the scoped rifle – he looks like Castle might have as a kid, I mean a teenager. I'd know that smile anywhere."

Jordan took the photograph and turned it over and read the legend on the reverse side. "That's Sergeant E5 Richard Alexander Rogers, US Army, attached to I-FOR Peace Keepers in Bosnia. The officer in the center is a Spanish Major in charge of the unit. The guy to the right is Dalton Jefferson, US Army, Rogers' spotter."

Kate's mind flashed back to the confrontation with the hospital administrator. '_Alexis __Rogers __Foundation__'_.

"You're saying Castle is the Rogers guy? That's ridiculous. Castle's not the soldier type, believe me. _'I didn't have to fill out this much paper work to get into the Army.'_

"I want to talk to him. Bring him in. Can you account for his whereabouts at the time of the murders?"

"No. But I don't want to bring him in. He checked himself out of the hospital AMA and he's probably unable to walk today after the dumb stunt he pulled yesterday." She told Jordan the 'bare bones' about the hospital, leaving out the personal stuff.

"Okay then. Saddle up. I'll bring one of mine and you take one of yours. I'll drive."

Loft

The doorman had called up to Castle's loft and then handed Beckett a key. "Mr. Castle is unable to walk to the door and he asked if you'd mind just letting yourself in?" Kate took the key and glared a warning at Shaw who responded with "We just want to talk with him, Kate, nothing more, I promise."

Kate knocked on the door and then unlocked it and the four entered the foyer. She called out for 'Rick' and he answered from the living room.

He was still on the couch with his leg propped up on the coffee table just as he'd been for the last 6 hours. Alexis would be home soon and he wanted to have a snack ready for her but he just hurt too damned much to move.

"Rick, this is Special Agent Jordan Shaw. We're working together on a task force to investigate the White Eagle Militia murders. She has some questions for you."

He looked ill and pale and sweaty. She saw the Scotch bottle and the open container of pain pills he'd been given when he left the hospital. Kate made no comment, just walked into the kitchen and found a small towel and ran cold water and returned. She sat down beside him and washed his face with the cold towel and then patted it dry.

"Thanks, Kate. Feel better already. Ask your questions, Agent Shaw."

"Are you Richard Alexander Rogers?" She went for the throat. If he said 'yes' then she knew she had her man.

"Yeah but I legally changed it to Richard Edgar Castle when I started to publish." He knew where this line of questioning was headed and so he struck first.

"You want to know about the 'incident', right? You think I'm the one who's hacking off these guys' arms and then executing them. You're wrong but I sure as hell can't prove it. Sit down. I'll tell you a story."

He gestured to the other couch and a chair. Kate sat down beside him, feeling the need to be near him while he spun his tale.

Rick covered his assignment to I-For and a company of Spanish Peace Keepers – the Matamoros Company that could trace its lineage back to 1492 when the Moors were finally pushed out of Spain.

They'd been quartered in a Croat village of Bosniaks when they got word that the White Eagle Militia were moving towards the village and they were ordered to withdraw. The Spanish commander, a Major, refused the order and deployed his men to defend the village. Rick and his spotter were sent up into a forested hillside to observe and report enemy movements by radio.

Both Rick and Jefferson had formed 'attachments' with local girls although their families frowned on it as did the unit commander but they were young and foolish and in love and…

Kate took Rick's sweaty hand in hers, unaware that she'd done so. She wrapped her other arm around his shoulders and he leaned into her gratefully.

"The militia had armor and infantry and we just had pop guns in comparison. No air support and no artillery. The Major had no choice but to withdraw after coming under heavy fire. We gave covering fire, trying for the tank commanders in their cupolas but they buttoned up and the Spaniards ran."

It was a slaughter. The tanks literally rolled through houses and the infantry shot the survivors. Any women were taken prisoner for 'entertainment' purposes while all of the men, old women and boys were shot or bludgeoned to death.

"I couldn't let them take her so I started taking their commanders under fire hoping the girls would run. When they did, the militia shot them down."

A flight of British Tornado bombers took out the armor and the Militia fled but the Spanish commander pursued them and killed anyone captured. He cut off their hands as a warning to the rest.

The unit was pulled back and Rogers and Jefferson were charged with dereliction of duty and insubordination. Apparently they'd been ordered to detach from the unit and return to US control but never got the word. It didn't matter. They were discharged 'at the convenience of the government' and sent home.

"I buried Alexaya in accordance with her religious customs and the rest you know."

Kate suddenly made a connection _Alexaya_ became Alexis. He'd named his daughter after his first love.

"Richard Rogers, you're under arrest for the murders of 5 unknown individuals. You have the right to remain silent. You have the – " Kate stood and faced Shaw, ready to knock some sense into her. Rick was no murderer.

"What? Are you crazy? He couldn't have killed those men. Look at him! You promised me you were just going to talk to him not arrest him!"

He was feverish and probably under the influence of alcohol and painkillers. Any 'confession' would never stand up in court. Besides, she couldn't love a murderer, could she? That thought startled her as much as Jordan Shaw's accusations.

"We'll have him transported to a hospital and then when he's physically able, to prison to await trial."

12th Precinct  
>3 days later<p>

Kate was drinking coffee at her desk, staring at the mountain of paperwork that she didn't feel like handling. She'd only seen him once since his arrest and it had been a difficult meeting for her. He wouldn't look at her and he only gave monosyllabic answers to any question she asked. The infection he'd picked up had been dealt with and he was feeling much better but not in the mood for her presence and so she'd left him alone.

She didn't blame him for feeling like he did. He hadn't heard any of her impassioned defense of him and her refusal to arrest him. She rode with him in the ambulance and held his hand the whole way, talking to him about how much she cared for him and that when this was 'all behind us' she wanted to let him in.

"Beckett, a word?" Captain Montgomery called her from his office. She had unkind thoughts but put them aside as she stood in front of his desk.

"Go up to Bellvue Hospital and give these papers to Castle. He's being released and all charges dropped. It seems that the FBI stumbled onto a body in New Jersey that matched the M.O. of the other murders and this time there was a traffic camera as well as a camera at an ATM across the street that caught the entire dump on film. They've ID'ed the killer as Dalton Jefferson and are pursuing him. Castle's free to go."

She hadn't smiled as brightly since the night she'd held his hand in the hospital. Kate hurried out of the precinct and then called Alexis.

"What's wrong now, Detective?" Alexis had been distant but never rude since her father's arrest. Her grandmother had finally returned and so Kate hadn't had the dubious pleasure of staying with her at the loft.

"Where are you, Alexis? I need to pick you up right away."

"I'm walking home from school with one of the few friends I have left." The press had been all over the arrest, his past and of course, his family. Now Kate understood the distance.

"Your Dad's being released. They've identified the real killer and I'm on my way to bring him home if the hospital will release him."

"Pick me up in front of the loft, Kate. I gotta call Grams and Paige and – " Kate laughed and disconnected the phone. Things were going to be okay, she just knew it.

Loft

Someone, she suspected Roy Montgomery, had released details of Castle's exoneration to the press and the building was awash in TV crews and photographers.

She drove down into the underground parking garage and parked as close to the elevator as possible. Between Kate and Alexis, they managed to get him into the elevator and finally home.

"Well, Castle, I'll be on my way. Martha, it was nice to have met you. I need to – "

"Kate, don't go, please? I know we've been beastly towards you and I, for one, want to make my apologies. Alexis has raved on about you so much and I feel so terribly awful about how I treated you. Please stay."

Martha, ever the proper lady, was trying to make amends for her diatribe delivered in full voice at the hospital when she tried to visit her son. Because Kate had been there, sitting with him and holding his hand, she'd caught both barrels.

"Okay, if it's okay with you, Rick?" Her eyes were pleading and he knew he'd never be able to deny her anything if she ever discovered the power she held over him. He was toast.

"Sure. Alexis, okay with you?" He knew it was but wanted Kate to hear it. Alexis hadn't been exactly nice to her, either.

"Yeah. We can order pizza or Chinese. Please stay, Kate."

12th Precinct  
>3 weeks later<p>

Kate sat at her desk twirling her hair around one finger as she talked to Rick on the phone. They'd made a lot of progress since his release. The press had made a big thing out of his military service and the White Militia Murders as they were being called, and she'd spent several evenings at the loft.

"Seriously, Rick, I'd rather not go to dinner in public. I'd prefer staying in, please? I'm just not ready for another round of questions and paparazzi hounding me. I'll tell you what. Why don't I cook you dinner at my place and we can watch a movie and maybe fool around on the couch?"

She laughed at his strangled reply and then it was her turn to laugh.

"No, I'm not serious about the couch." She paused and then said, "Maybe the bed?" She giggled and twirled her hair around, clearly at ease with him and the conversation. She loved how he sputtered and stammered when she caught him off guard with one of her 'Rick specials'. He could deliver them with ease but lay one on him and he was paralyzed.

"Fine, Rick. Bring wine and I'll make something special for us. How's the knee? Is the new brace working out okay?" He'd had arthroscopic surgery and this time hadn't ruined the surgeon's work with an impromptu run down the hallway. He could kiss the crutches goodbye in another week.

She hung up smiling and turned around to find her team and Lanie staring at her.

"Don't you two have some phone records to work and what about those financials? Lanie, don't you have a customer yet?"

"Fool around on the couch?" said Esposito.

"Or maybe the bed?" said Ryan.

"And since when do you cook, Kate?" asked Lanie.

Kate Beckett flipped her hair back over her shoulders and laughed. She was learning to do a lot lately. She'd decided to live instead of just survive.


	6. Chapter 6

The incident at the village actually happened outside of Zagreb, Croatia. I-For stood around with their thumbs up their butts and then pulled out. No defense like in my story.

The 'Matamoros' do exist and pride themselves on being the oldest continuously serving unit in the Spanish army.

A little trivia for your cocktail party conversations.

* * *

><p><span>She <span>Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man

Chapter 6

"_Fool around on the couch?" said Esposito._

"_Or maybe the bed?" said Ryan._

"_And since when do you cook, Kate?" asked Lanie._

* * *

><p>Beckett's apartment<br>7pm

Rick stood in front of her door, holding a bottle of wine and a small bouquet of flowers while precariously balancing himself on one leg and two crutches.

He used the tip of one crutch to 'knock' on the door and waited. It was well worth the wait.

He almost dropped the wine and flowers. She looked beautiful in a blue v-neck sweater that showed just how mammalian she was and her skinny jeans. She had her hair up in a ponytail and was barefoot and he couldn't stop looking at her.

"If you're done staring…want to come inside? The view is better. Oh, nice wine. And flowers? Let me get a vase." She'd unconsciously echoed Alexis' first few words from their first meeting.

"Kate, stop. I was just dumbstruck that's all. It's not often a beautiful woman invites me over to her place for dinner and fooling around, y'know?" He didn't want her to think for one second that he'd been put off by her scarring.

"I know, Rick. I was just messing with your mind a bit. But I'm done fooling around, Rick. That mess in New Jersey was a wake up call for me. I'm tired of living in the shadows. You've been warned."

She'd begun opening up and letting him in more and more since the motel incident. But this was the most brazen she'd felt in forever. She didn't have to hide her scars from him. He'd forced her to be comfortable in her own skin.

"Something smells really good, Kate."

"Don't know. Haven't ordered dinner yet. What do you feel like?"

She'd practically drenched herself in the cherry bath salts and cherry body wash she'd purchased after he'd nuzzled her hair once and muttered 'mmm, cherries'. He wouldn't remember it but she did. It was right after his second surgery.

He hobbled up behind her and slipped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck and hair. She leaned back into him and shivered.

"What do you feel like, Rick?" She meant 'for dinner' on the surface but much more beneath the question.

"Like I'm seventeen again. God, Kate, you have no idea what you do to me."

She twisted around and nibbled on his neck and ear. "Oh, I think I do unless you're still carrying that pistol Shaw loaned you in your pocket."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is a flashback sequence. Italics indicate monitored conversations between parties.**

One week prior  
>12th Precinct<p>

"Castle, we need some help on the White Eagles Militia case. Jordan wants to talk with you for a minute." Kate called him from the Precinct. He was home resting his leg and driving Alexis and Martha crazy.

"Nope. Not gonna give her the time of day, Kate. She ran roughshod over me and if she thinks I'm helping her out on anything, she's nuts."

"For me, Rick? Please?" She knew he'd do it if she couched her request in personal terms.

"Damn it, Beckett, that's not fair. Okay, put the bitch on the phone but put it on speaker. I want witnesses."

"This is the Bitch, Castle. You _were_ on speaker. Look, your boy Dalton Jefferson is holed up in a motel out in Jersey and he's taken a cleaning lady hostage. He says he'll kill her unless he talks to you. If you talk to him, he'll let her go and then surrender."

"Pick me up in twenty." He hung up the phone and hurried to get dressed. He still had to wear the big brace that went over his jeans for another week but it beat the alternative.

The drive was made in almost complete silence after the initial greetings. Castle rode in the back of the SUV, his leg propped on the seat while Kate and Agent Shaw were in the front. The long drive across the bridge and then up across Staten Island and another bridge to the small New Jersey town seemed to take hours and Castle dozed off more than once.

"You okay back there, Rick?" Kate was bothered by his silence. The Rick Castle she knew would prattle on about almost anything just to hear his own voice but she had figured out that the Rick Castle she'd originally met was a mask for the real Rick – the one she'd learned about recently – Richard Alexander Rogers.

"Yeah. How much longer?"

"You should have gone before we picked you up, Castle." Jordan Shaw thought she was a comedian.

"Hardy Har Har, Agent Shaw. I'm just stiffening up back here, that's all." He made an ugly face at the back of her head and flipped her the bird.

"Not much longer. You can walk around and then we'll get you wired up."

"Jesus, I get any more wired up you'll be able to power Manhattan for a day!"

"Idiot! I meant a wire like you see in the movies. We have to know what's going on in there in case things go bad and we have to rush in and save your ungrateful ass, Castle."

"And why should I feel grateful, Agent Shaw? I'd be ever so thankful to find that out. Maybe grateful even?" Even a dead person would have cringed at the sarcasm-laced tone.

"Wow, Kate, how do you handle this guy?" Shaw looked over at Kate and waited for an answer.

"In small doses. But he's cute when he's asleep."

* * *

><p>Port Elizabeth, NJ<br>FBI TOC

Jefferson was holed up in an old motel in the town's poorer district near the river port. He'd chosen his location carefully but somehow the FBI had found him and he'd grabbed a motel maid and made his demands.

"Look, Castle, take this and put it in your jacket pocket. If things go bad, shoot the bastard. It will be self defense and he probably deserves worse."

"No, Beckett, not that pistol. It's too bulky and he'll probably spot it. Here, take mine, Castle. Hammerless colt 5-shot snub-nosed revolver and it won't snag on your pocket. No safety. Just point and pull the trigger until it clicks on an empty chamber." Shaw had pulled up her pants leg and taken the stainless steel pistol from an ankle holster.

He shoved he pistol into his pocket and removed it a few times, felt the balance and then opened the cylinder and removed all 5 cartridges and closed the cylinder and dry-fired the pistol several times, getting the feel for the trigger pull and drag. Satisfied, he reloaded the pistol and shoved it into his pocked.

A couple of the task force agents had been watching. An older agent nodded in approval when Castle didn't do the 'TV Flip' of using the wrist to snap the cylinder closed. It weakened the retaining hinge pin and might cause the cylinder to misalign causing a bad day for the shooter.

Shaw nodded in approval at his actions, too. Her impressions of Rick Castle had been shaped by his attitude but now she saw the man who sat on a hillside in Bosnia-Herzegovina and shot more than 20 White Eagle Militia members as they slaughtered 84 villagers 300 yards away.

She could see the moment he donned his mask.

"Gosh, Beckett, this is so cool. No hammer to snag clothing and it's the ultimate in point and shoot. Cool beanz!"

"Rick, just be careful. We'll be able to hear everything that's said so remember your code phrase if you need us to bust in." She felt a need to stay connected with him, even if it only meant talking to him.

"Yeah. How could I forget it. Shaw must have thought it up."

"Castle, it's standard operating procedure to use a phrase that's not likely to used in conversation." He was right, it had been Shaw's idea.

"I'd never use it, that's for damned sure!" It was trite. Like 'it was a dark and stormy night'.

"Say it, Castle. It won't kill you." Shaw took over the briefing.

"If you insist. 'It's always darkest before the dawn'. How trite."

"Good. Now get out there and bring him out. Step away from him and stay clear of the windows. We have a sniper ready to take a shot if you can't work your magic."

"No! I bring him out and you take him into custody. That was the deal! I want your word, Shaw, that he gets the chance to surrender or I'm going home."

"Fine. I give you my word, Castle. Beckett, get him out of here before I lose my composure and smack him in his big fat mouth."

Kate walked him out of the TOC trailer and down to the edge of the parking lot. The motel was only a stone's throw away. They could see the hostage standing in front of the motel room's picture window.

"Rick, don't be a hero. Get in and get out. If you feel threatened in any way, get yourself out of there." They were holding hands and their faces were just an inch away from one another's. His were cool and dry while hers were warm and slightly damp.

He didn't care who was watching or listening, he lifted her hand to his lips and pressed his lips against it, smiling when he heard her slight gasp.

"Don't worry, Kate. You'll get frown lines. I know the drill. And I wish I wasn't wearing this damned wire so I could say what I want to say but it'll wait. See ya in a few minutes."

It took more than a few minutes for Castle to negotiate the stairs and more than once he had to stop for breath.

_"Jesus, I have got to hit the gym again."_

The agents in the TOC trailer all grinned and offered comments on his stamina and overall condition. It was good that he couldn't hear them.

_'Okay, I'm on the landing – finally. I'm going to bang on the door with my crutch.'_

They watched as he walked down the balcony to the room door.

'_Hey, Dalton, it's me, Rick Rogers. Open the damned door, I'm on crutches.'_

'_Walk over in front of the window and raise your arms. I need to make sure you're not carrying.'_

'_Jesus, Dalton, it's me. I'm not going to shoot you but I might rip off your fucking head and shit down your neck. Why couldn't you hole up on the first floor?'_

Observers laughed and even Kate had to crack a smile despite her worry.

_'Rick's sense of humor is going to get him in trouble some day.'_

Rick walked to the window and was face to face with the maid who was clearly terrified. Her face was ashen and tears were pouring down her cheeks.

'_Okay, Cisco. I'm opening the door.'_

The observers could see the door open wide and then Castle hobbled inside.

'_Oh, Ceesco.'_

'_Hey, Pancho. Let the woman go. That was the deal, me for her. Well, here I am. Let her go before she craps her pants. It already smells like shit in here.'_

'_Okay. A deal's a deal. You go stand and take her place. Go ahead, lady, get out. Sorry for the fuss.'_

A woman ran out of the room and down the long balcony to waiting Hostage Rescue Team the FBI had in place. The sniper reported that the 'negotiator' had negated a clear shot. He meant that Castle was in the way.

'_You got old, Cisco.'_

'_I get enough of that at home, Dalton. Ready to leave? You promised them that you'd surrender if I showed up. Well, here I am. Let's go. I'll hire the best lawyers in New York for you. You can claim PTSD or some other – '_

'_Listen, Cisco, I'm sorry you got arrested. I saw the papers. I never meant you to catch friendly fire, man, but at least you got sprung, right?'_

'_Oh, yeah, although I think the FBI still has a hard on for me. Why me, Dalton? Why do you want to talk to me? Any of the hostage negotiators would have served the same pupose.'_

'_Do you remember that day, Cisco? I remember. You sat on that hillside and capped 19 militia trying to save the girls and at least 8 or 9 before that. You were in the zone but there were just too many of them.'_

'_How could I forget? There were just too many of them, Pancho, and when the girls ran they just shot them down like dogs.'_

It was quiet in the TOC and Beckett saw that even Shaw was moved by the tone of his words. '…shot them down like dogs'. It would be hard to forget.

'_I saw Soraya go down and the Alexaya, Rick. Do you ever think of her?'_

'_Every damned day, Dalton, every damned day. Every time I see my daughter, Alexis.'_

Kate stifled a gasp and Shaw looked over at her, a question in her eyes. "He named his daughter Alexis."

It was quiet in the TOC and quiet in the motel room. Kate leaned forward, straining to hear something, gnawing at her lip.

There was a sound like a gunshot and Kate started to get up and run but Shaw grabbed her forearm and pulled her back down. "LISTEN!" she hissed, as reports of 'Shots fired!' poured into her other ear from the HRT leaders.

'_Feel better now, Dalton? Shooting a defenseless television? Look, let's go. I'm done with talking about old times, too damned many memories. I'm serious about the lawyer…"_

"Don't get impatient, Castle, just talk him down," Shaw mumbled to herself.

In the motel room, Castle took a deep breath and tried to calm down. The shot has scared him. It was totally unexpected but then he hadn't been watching the muted television screen except for a surprised glimpse at a 'Breaking News' feed of the motel and the HRT gathered on the balcony.

'_Dalton, what the hell were you thinking? What's your exit strategy? Where's your egress route? We were taught better than this.' _

Castle tried to change the subject since Jefferson seemed hesitant to leave and he was the one holding the gun.

'_Egress route? Jesus, Cisco, there ain't no egress route. This is the end of the line. I didn't plan on getting caught. I ain't got no options.'_

"Calm him down, Castle. He's getting too excited." Shaw wished they'd been able to set up a two-way hookup but there hadn't been time.

'_There are always options. C'mon, let's walk outside and we can end this. If you don't, they're going to come busting in here and you won't like how that ends.'_

_'Okay, here. Take it. Just – just don't forget about us, okay? Remember us from time to time, Cisco.' _

He handed Rick the 9mm and then stepped back. Castle quickly removed the magazine and cleared the weapon and threw it on the bed.

"Oh, shit! Get the HRT in there. He's got something else going on. He's talking a terminal resolution. Take him out!" Shaw was shouting into her tactical microphone and Kate didn't understand what was happening.

Rick turned and started for the door and had just grabbed the doorknob when he looked over and saw that Jefferson wasn't following him.

'_C'mon, Pancho, let's go. It's over.' _

'_Yeah, Cisco, it is.'_

The HRT teams were crab-walking down the balcony and were only a few doors away when Kate saw Castle throw himself out the door and then crawl away. A second later the motel room exploded. The windows blew out and the door blew shut with such force that it broke the masonry holding the frame in place and sailed out into the parking lot.

She never remembered leaving the TOC trailer and running across the lot and up the stars to the balcony. She wouldn't be able to remember shoving her way through the crowd of HRT agents securing the area.

She would always remember seeing him leaning against the wall and how his smile when their eyes met seemed to release something inside of her that had held her back from so many things in life.

They would always remember the first words out of her mouth.

"Castle, I looked down into the pond and saw the reflection of the swan."

She didn't flinch when he gently placed his hands on both sides of her face and leaned down and kissed her.

A/N: End flashback

* * *

><p>Still Kate's apartment<p>

Kate stepped away and took a deep breath. "I saw you on the morning show, Rick. I thought you handled those questions about your friend with sensitivity and just the right degree of candor. You constantly surprise me. Speaking of surprises, Captain Montgomery asked if you'd stop by the precinct sometime Monday. He wants to talk with you about something."

Rick wasn't certain how to deal with this 'new' Beckett but he was definitely looking forward to learning how.

"My – my dad saw the news clips from the motel, Rick. He asked me how long I'd been having this 'wild affair' with you. He invited us up for Sunday dinner and I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough so, will you go with me on Sunday?"

He stepped towards her and she stepped back, her back flush with the small kitchen table.

"You did tell him that what he saw was a 'first kiss' and not some adrenalin-fueled response to the situation, didn't you? And why wouldn't I want to meet your dad, Kate?"

"I really didn't answer him at all, Rick. I – I never had to explain something that never existed before and I was caught flat-footed."

"This isn't some affair as far as I'm concerned, Kate. Surely you know it's not just some…"

He was too close and she felt hemmed in. She side-stepped him and walked over to the sink and looked out the window at her view of the adjacent apartment building. She could feel the bubble of panic growing in her chest.

"I'm new at all this, remember? I'm the girl who never got asked to dances and never had a real 'adult' date. I'm the girl who no one looked at twice. I don't know what this is but I like it. I'm just not sure where it's headed and I'm afraid - "

Rick walked up behind her and rested his chin on her shoulder and slipped his arms loosely around her. He spoke quietly and sincerely, not wanting to ruin the moment.

"I know. So am I. Afraid I'll say the wrong thing, push too hard, fail some 'Beckett test' and you'll walk away from me. I'm way past 'liking' you, Kate, can't you tell?"

She hung her head and looked at her bare feet. A part of her mind noticed the chip in the lacquer on one of her toenails.

"I don't know. This is all happening so fast and – and I'm not really sure how you feel or what you want from me. I'm afraid you'll wake up some morning and think 'what the hell am I doing with her' and that'll be it."

She stepped away from him again, wanting distance but craving his embrace. She crossed her arms across her chest and hugged herself, not meeting his eyes.

"Maybe I'd better go, Kate, before one of us screws up and – and we lose what progress we've made. Maybe we're going too fast for you."

Her head jerked up and she glared at him.

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. I don't know how to deal with you. I'm afraid I'm just some project of yours, some experience to enhance your writing."

Her voice rose with each phrase until she was almost shouting. Her eyes were boring into his, looking for some answers to questions she hadn't even asked.

Castle's defensive instinct started to kick in and he was almost on the verge of lashing out at her but he stopped, squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath as he looked at the situation with her eyes.

What he 'saw' surprised him when it shouldn't have.

When he spoke, his voice was soft and soothing and had none of the anger she'd expected. He spoke so softly that she had to strain to hear what he said.

"Kate, all this is new to me, too. I've never…" He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled a thin gold chain from around his neck and fingered two rings that hung from it.

"I wear these as reminders, Kate, that I have two failed marriages behind me. They remind me that I married first," he held up a small plain gold band in between two fingers, "because I thought I'd fathered a child and didn't want it aborted. I married a woman I didn't love to save Alexis. Meredith didn't hang around long."

Kate stood, transfixed. She remembered someone telling her that he wore two rings around his neck but not why. She'd dismissed it at the time as irrelevant but now she was learning just how relevant they were.

Rick took the second ring, a diamond-encrusted wedding band, and held it up for inspection.

"This one reminds me that I married because I thought it was time. Alexis needed a mother figure in her life and Gina was strong, smart, sexy and I thought she loved me for who I was, not what I was and would become. I didn't love her either, not really. Not the kind of love I should have felt and she soon strayed and left me."

"I didn't love them the way I love you. There, I said it. The cat's out of the bag. Richard Castle loves Kate Beckett." He replaced the chain around his neck and buttoned his shirt.

She hadn't moved a muscle since he started his 'confession' and now she was staring at her bare feet, still hugging herself.

"You know it's funny, Beckett. We've seen each other at our most vulnerable and it still doesn't seem to be enough proof for you that I see past the physical 'you' and see the real you."

He turned and watched her rapidly repair her walls. It was a subconscious reaction on her part. She pulled her hair out of its ponytail, shook her head, and let her hair fall naturally into a russet shield about her face.

"You're a beautiful woman who is strong and fragile at the same time. You're afraid to love because you fear that no one can love you in return.

Castle's sigh of resignation was almost inaudible. He put on his leather jacket and quietly left.

It was the 'snick' of the door closing softly that brought her out of her fugue.

He said he loved her. She hadn't answered. He told her exactly why he loved her and exactly why she wouldn't believe him.

He was wrong. She believed him. Now she had to get him to believe her.


	7. Chapter 7

SheLearnedtheTruthat17 by Oldest Man

Chapter 7

_It was the 'snick' of the door closing softly that brought her out of her fugue. _

_He said he loved her. She hadn't answered. He told her exactly why he loved her and exactly why she wouldn't believe him._

_He was wrong. She believed him. Now she had to get him to believe her._

* * *

><p>Kate grabbed her jacket, purse and cell phone, thought about it and then left the phone behind. No distractions. She was off for the next three days and she intended to spend every minute of it with the man who loved her.<p>

She hailed a cab, amazed that she could get one. Most would be downtown searching for foot-weary Christmas shoppers who would pay fares and render big tips because, after all, it was Christmas time.

She planned to confront him with her truth and beg him to forgive her for her emotional paralysis.

_Him._ She realized that was part of her problem. She liked Rick Castle. What was there not to like? He was funny and witty and charming and always had a kind word for everyone and…she could go on for ages.

But she loved Rick Rogers, the man who lost one woman and then married another to save yet another woman, well, woman-to-be, his daughter, Alexis.

She loved the man who'd cried in her arms on the way back to New York because he couldn't save his friend.

She loved the man who tried to save her from herself and show her glimpses of the man he really was at heart, not the playboy player who took anything and everything he saw straight to his bed.

She loved Richard Alexander Rogers no matter what name he used. No matter what mask he chose to wear, he was still the man she loved.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

"Richard, what are you doing home, darling? I thought you and Kate were…uh oh. What happened, kiddo?"

She took one look at him and dropped her plans for the weekend. Chet would just have to understand and accept that although her son was pushing 40, he was still her son and he came first, although it would be a tie if Alexis were involved.

"I'm not exactly sure. One minute she's open and carefree and the next she's hugging her ribs like she's in agony. I guess telling her that I loved her was painful for her. I thought you had plans?" He desperately wanted to be alone to lick his wounds in private.

"They're on hold. Keep talking. There has to be more to the story than 'I told her I loved her and it made her sick'."

"She had her hair up in a ponytail, not the usual hairdo. She looked happy and beautiful and then she asked me the killer question – 'where are we going with this' and then she said she was afraid that she was just some project to me and that one day I'd wake up and realize what she was and leave."

"Oh, Richard, she's just unsure of herself. This is all new to her and she's uncomfortable with her feelings. Hearing that you love her must have been quite a shock…"

She didn't imagine that Kate had ever heard the words from someone she didn't share DNA with.

"I told her about the rings and what they meant and told her that she was afraid to love because she didn't believe anyone could love her in return. She put her walls back up and I left. I shouldn't have let it go that far. I should never have…"

"Richard, I don't know what to tell you. There's nothing I could possibly say that will make it all better. You just need to step back and let her come to you. If she doesn't then she's not ready and you can't force her to be someone she isn't ready to be."

"That's probably best. I think I'm going to write a while. Leave, Mother. I'll be okay." He would be okay, eventually.

"I can tell from your posture and what you don't say that I've done all you'll allow me to. Then I'm going. My work here is done. Be good to yourself, Richard. You're worth more than you know and it's her loss as well as yours. Remember that."

She gave him a hug and then grabbed her coat and bag. She hated leaving him but he needed time to think and he couldn't do that unless he was alone. She knew her son.

He would become the 'bear' he'd been when he rotated back to the States and drank himself to sleep most nights until he realized what he was doing and enrolled in college. He wrote some stuff that got published and then the whole cycle repeated itself when the Blaine girl left him.

Then there was 'Meredith the Slut', another 'bear' period but not as damaging since he had a daughter to take care of. For a few years he was as normal as any other person until he felt overwhelmed with being both mother and father to a young girl and so he married Gina. The less said about those turbulent months, the better.

And now when he's really ready for commitment, Kate Beckett probably panicked and froze and he took her panic for rejection.

She walked out into the hallway and pressed the button to summon the elevator. She glanced at her watch and smiled wanly. 'Fashionably late.'

* * *

><p>Loft Lobby<p>

Kate walked quickly into the lobby and was greeted by the doorman who reached for the phone to call up to announce her.

"Not necessary. I have a key." She held up the key she'd been given before at the time of Castle's 'arrest' and never returned. Now she was glad she hadn't returned it and if things worked out, she'd add to her key ring.

"Ah, Ms. Beckett, you do know it's December, don't you?" He leaned over the counter he sat behind and pointed to her bare feet.

Kate realized that in her hurry to catch up to Castle, she'd forgotten to put on her moccasins. "Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas, George!" She grinned and walked to the elevator and pushed the button for the penthouse loft.

She leaned back against the rear wall of the elevator car and remembered once when they were in a crowded elevator in an office building going up to interview a potential witness in another case. Castle had pushed his way to the front of the car and turned and asked his fellow passengers why they stood facing forward and looking at the floor indicator.

"Is it because you don't want to look at your fellow passengers? I think that's very anti-social of you all."

He went on to introduce himself to the passengers and then insisted that they introduce themselves to each other. By the time they'd reached the 52nd floor, half the people had missed their floor because they were talking to other passengers. Kate hadn't known whether to die of embarrassment or just laugh and watch the show.

His only comment to her had been "Future elevator trips in this building will certainly be different from now on."

The elevator door opened and Martha stepped in, not expecting to see anyone else.

"Kate! How nice to see you again. Richard's in one of his moods but I'm sure you'll be able to entice him out of his funk. Ah, Kate dear, you do know it's December, don't you? You're going to catch pneumonia going barefoot."

Kate leaned over and kissed Martha on the cheek and whispered "Merry Christmas".

"I'll be gone until late Sunday and Alexis is over-nighting with friends at a pajama party and then going shopping in the morning. Kate, be gentle with him. My son is not the pillar of strength he'd like us to think he is."

Kate pulled her into a quick hug and got off the elevator leaving a surprised but pleased Martha Rogers humming to the Muzak in the elevator as it traveled down to the lobby.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Kate let herself in, quietly closing the door and engaging the deadbolt. The loft felt empty and cool with only a few lamps in the living room and dining room providing a soft light.

The door to his study was open and she could see him sitting in his chair, legs up on his desk, staring out the floor-to-ceiling window and the lights of the city. She couldn't see the reflection of his face in the window but she could imagine it – pensive, disappointed, regretful. A man like Castle would take rejection in stride, working his way through it just like he did with any problem but this man was not just Richard Castle.

She padded across the living room and stopped just inside the door. The thick carpet had muffled even the soft treading of her bare feet. He put his legs down, grunted at the moment of discomfort and then sat up in his chair.

Reflections of Kate and Castle merged for one brief moment before he twisted around in his chair, almost spilling the glass of Scotch he'd been nursing.

"Don't say anything, Rick. Let me talk this time. I was at a loss for words and there were so many things I wanted to say but couldn't find my voice."

Kate felt emboldened by his silence and he turned back around in his chair and watched her reflection. She walked over and leaned down behind him and wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her ruined cheek and ear against his smooth cheek, all the while watching his reflection close its eyes and she heard his sigh of resignation.

"I like you, Rick, I really, really like you and some day it might even have turned into the kind of love 'Rick Castle' feels for me but I – I've met someone, Rick, someone who is just as scarred as I am, only his are inside, in his heart where they aren't visible."

She felt him try and stand, to escape her hold but she tightened her arms around him and whispered, 'No. You're not walking away from me now. You had your say and now it's my turn."

"You could have called me on your cell phone and told me you met someone else. You didn't have to come all the way over here to do it. I wished you would have called, Kate."

The look on his face tore at her heart and she thought about just blurting it all out but she'd rehearsed what she planned to say when she explained why she didn't love him.

"I had to do this face to face, Rick. It's not a conversation for a cell phone so just sit there and listen. I'm not done yet."

His reflection closed its eyes and she knew exactly how he felt but she had to explain it to him as she planned.

"I met someone right after you were arrested and I think I fell instantly and hopelessly in love with him at the very second I first saw him. It felt like I'd been struck by lightning and I couldn't talk or move or do much of anything."

"Kate, cut to the chase. You're being cruel and I don't think I deserve to be treated this way just because I admitted that I loved you. Just finish it and be gone."

"The thing is, Rick, I need _both_ of you in my life to feel completely loved. I need you, Rick, for yout support and love and caring and all the things you've brought into my life."

"Well, at least you're stating your infidelity intentions up front, Beckett. That's a change from the norm. I – "

"Shh, I'm not done, Castle. I need the other guy just as much if not more. I love you, Castle, as a best friend, a confidant, as my partner at the precinct."

His frown and the look in his eyes she saw reflected in the window prompted her to hurry before she lost her one chance to do this right.

"I doubt I'll be a fixture at the 12th any longer, Kate. I've done the research and the novel's written and will hit the stores Monday. There's a copy for you in the living room on the coffee table. There were some 'editorial' differences that delayed printing but they've been resolved now. Apparently Gina felt that no one would buy a book written by a serial killer about serial killers and so she put in a print-stop order that was only pulled after the charges were dropped."

"I can't wait to read it in bed snuggled up against my boyfriend, Castle. Can you picture us in a big bed with silken sheets and big fluffy pillows and – "

"That's not an image I want to carry around with me, Beckett. You have 30-seconds to close out this torture session before I throw you out."

"I like Richard Castle very much, but I love – " and here she hesitated, not for dramatic effect but because she suddenly couldn't speak his name. She took an enormous breath and then whispered the name of the man she loved into his ear.

"Richard Alexander Rogers. I love Richard Alexander Rogers."

She knew she'd done the right thing in approaching her declaration in the way she did. She wanted to assure Castle that she loved 'both' of him. She loved the man she'd first met and grown to know and love and she loved the man behind the façade, Richard Rogers.

"Well, say something, Castle! Jesus, it's not everyday I tell a guy I love him, y'know? In fact, it's never happened before."

"I'm hungry. I didn't get to eat dinner. How about I order us in some Chinese and then…"

"No. I like my plan better. Yes, we order in food and then we go into your living room and put on some slow music and you dance with me. I never went to my prom and I want to dance with the man I love. Then, I want us to go up to that indecently comfortable bed and make love. Martha said that Alexis will be out until at least noon and she's not coming back until Sunday. Oh, yeah, and then I want us to go eat Sunday dinner with my dad and - "

"Okay. I'll order some Chinese and then we'll dance and then we'll see what happens next. Sunday dinner with your dad? Sure. But first things first, Kate."

He spun around and captured her around the waist and pulled her into the chair and kissed her just like he had outside the motel after the grenade blast.

"Wow, I felt my toes curl on that one, Rick. Again, I want to do it again and again and again…"

Her toes-curling comment made him look at her toes to see if they really had curled. "Where are your shoes, Beckett? It's December, y'know?"

"I've been told that a lot tonight. Merry Christmas, Rick. Forget the plan. Let's skip ahead to the part where you unwrap your early Christmas present."

* * *

><p>Loft<br>3am

She woke up because she was hungry. They had been too busy discovering each other to think much about food but now her stomach was growling loudly and she was sure the neighbors could hear it.

Hunger warred with the warm comfort of the 'bubble' and won easily. Kate eased herself out from the circle of his arms and slipped from the bed and cringed when her feet hit the cold wooden floor. She almost dove back into the 'bubble' of warmth and comfort but the nagging pangs won out and she pulled on her panties and Castle's shirt and went down to the kitchen.

Nothing had changed from when she'd stayed with Alexis and she quickly had coffee brewing and checked out the refrigerator. There was a fruit plate covered in plastic wrap and she put selected pieces in a bowl, grabbed her coffee and sat down at the breakfast island.

She remembered something that Rick had said – a copy of his new book was on the coffee table – and she picked up her coffee and breakfast and went in to get it. The couch was closer than the breakfast island and far more comfortable on her butt than the wooden stools so she put everything on the coffee table and sat down, curling her legs beneath her, and started reading _Heat__Wave._

She finished the novel and sat back and thought about the parts that had touched her most.

Nikki Heat had a boyfriend she spent most nights with. His name was Jameson Rook, an investigative reporter who was blind. Was he telling her that he was 'blind' to her scarring or was he telling her that love was blind? Either way, it worked in the novel and in real life.

There were other sections that read like their real lives. Apart at the beginning but drawing closer and closer until by the end of the novel Nikki and Rook were a committed couple.

Kate closed the book and put it back on the coffee table and walked up the short flight of stairs to his bedroom. She needed to be close to him and she wanted to see his face when he woke up.

* * *

><p>Castle jerked awake, the dream falling away and leaving him feeling empty and alone. He reached over and found nothing but cold sheets and he sighed. She must have gone home but how would she ever get a cab at this time of the morning?<p>

He fumbled with the lamp and smiled a slow smile that gradually reached from ear to ear. Her pale blue sweater and a white lace bra were on the chair, her jeans on the floor in a pile with his.

'_Not a dream!'_

He found his boxers and stumbled into the bathroom and emerged a few minutes later and pulled on his jeans. His shirt was missing and he had an image of Kate in his shirt sitting at the breakfast island impatiently awaiting coffee.

"Oh, you're getting dressed?" His head jerked up at the sound of her voice and he saw her standing just inside the bedroom wearing his shirt. There was disappointment in her voice.

"I was coming to find you. When I first woke up I thought last night had been just a beautiful dream but I found your clothes and figured you'd gotten hungry. I – I missed you, Kate. Last night was – "

She crossed the room quickly and hugged him, kissing his neck and finally nipping at his earlobe. "I'm glad you missed me but I'm sorrier that I wasn't here, lying beside you so I could watch you wake up and see your face."

"I like your new look, Kate. Freshly ravished, your hair all tousled and wearing my shirt. It's a good look for you. I want to see it every morning for the rest of my life."

"That sounds like a plan I could support. There's fresh coffee and I nibbled at a leftover fruit plate since the growling of my stomach woke me. Castle, about last night – "

"Regrets?" One word could bring down his world and it seemed like it took her forever to answer.


	8. Chapter 8

First off, my apologies for my mistake. FF doesn't seem to like italics and runs the words of the sentences together so I've developed the (apparently bad) habit of bringing up the file, clearing it and then cutting and pasting from Word. Missed the last sentence so I've incorporated it into this hopefully last chapter. I could probably go on but what's the point?

Kudzu. It's like Kudzu.

* * *

><p><span>She Learned the Truth at 17<span> By Oldest Man

Chapter 8

"_I like your new look, Kate. Freshly ravished, your hair all tousled and wearing my shirt. It's a good look for you. I want to see it every morning for the rest of my life."_

"_That sounds like a plan I could support. There's fresh coffee and I nibbled at a leftover fruit plate since the growling of my stomach woke me. Castle, about last night – "_

* * *

><p>"Regrets?" One word could bring down his world and it seemed like it took her forever to answer.<p>

"None whatsoever. It was better than I could ever have imagined, Rick. I'm so glad that you've come into my life. I just wanted to tell you that if you ever have any doubts about how much I love you, tell me, don't keep it bottled up."

"Ditto."

"Somehow I don't think I'll ever have any reason to doubt you. Now, throw on a shirt and come drink your morning coffee while I critique my alter ego, Nikki Heat."

Castle turned to get a shirt out of his closet and he heard Kate gasp. He turned around and she'd disappeared into the bathroom and he heard the medicine chest open and close and then she walked into the bedroom on the verge of tears.

"What's with the long face, Kate? What's wrong?"

"Turn around, Rick. I – I guess I got a little carried away the second time and I scratched your back and I want to clean it up."

"Go ahead if it will make you feel better but I gotta tell you, that's the first time any woman has ever made me feel like a sex god. I just wish…"

"Turn around. You just wish what, Rick?" She dabbed the antiseptic liquid on each half-moon and then down it's trail. She remembered exactly when she'd done it. Somehow, the second time had been even better than the first and the first had brought tears to her eyes.

"_Kate, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? I did, didn't I? Shit, I'm so sorry. Please don't cry, baby."_

"_You didn't hurt me, Rick. I'm just so happy and…"_

"_You mean those are good tears?" He'd never heard of such a thing._

"_Oh, God, yes. I'm so damned happy right now. Happier than I've been in years and it's all because of us being together."_

"Rick, you just wish what?"

"I just wish I'd met you first, Kate, instead of Meredith or even Gina."

"You'd still be in jail, Castle. I was underage when you and Meredith had Alexis."

"I didn't hear any complaints about 'old man' Castle last night."

"No. It was beautiful the first time and I was deliriously happy but, oh, God, the second time – it just went on and on and I lost all control. I'm sorry I scratched you. I didn't even know I was doing it. Will it always be like that?"

"I don't know. No one's ever responded to me like you do. I surely hope so."

* * *

><p>They sat down at the breakfast island and Rick ate a couple of slices of toast and answered the occasional question Kate posed about the loft or Alexis or what it was like growing up with an actressmother.

His answers were always short and informative but not always complete.

Beckett's 'critique' of Nikki Heat dwelled more on their similarities and differences than on criticism. She found very little she didn't like in his writing. It had short, punchy sentences when necessary and the most descriptive paragraphs setting a scene that it was almost like watching a painter and seeing the finished work in her imagination.

"Why is Rook blind, Castle? You know I'd never allow a blind man to shadow me. Too dangerous and too distracting."

"He's blind but he can 'see' Nikki, see past the surface imperfections and see the 'real' her. He's neither distracted nor confronted by what society dictates his response should be. He 'sees' her in absolute honesty."

"And you wanted me to know that you saw me like Rook sees Nikki, is that it?"

"Yep. Sometimes the simplest words convey the most complicated of themes. Did it work?"

"Yeah, I 'heard' what you were saying. You wrote this for me, didn't you?"

"I wrote it for me, Kate. It was something I had to put down on paper. As for not allowing a blind man to shadow a real cop - let's see. I don't put him in situations where he's likely to get killed. I use Veritas for both comic relief and sometimes as an 'early warning system' for danger to Rook."

"Okay, I'll buy that but why 'Rook'?"

"I thought Nikki needed someone in her life who wasn't a cop, who had interests outside of police work that I could use to draw her out into a different world on occasion to allow the reader to see she wasn't a one-dimensional character."

"I understand the need for the character, but why 'Rook'?"

"Rook is a chess term. It's commonly called a 'Castle' by people who aren't real aficionados of the game. And I guess subconsciously I wanted to be part of your life, Kate. Even that far back I felt the pull you had on me. Creepy, huh?"

"Nope. Are you going to write another novel with the same characters? You left things up in the air between Heat and Rook." She wondered if the written situation had mirrored real life at the time he was writing the book.

"I've got three more on the outline board."

"Three? When did you have time to even think about more?"

"In the hospital, between cases, at night – especially at night. I don't sleep well and I wake up and have to write."

* * *

><p>They spent the afternoon goofing around, talking and finally watched a few episodes of Temptation Lane, her guilty pleasure. She laid with her head in his lap and then sat up because she felt too relaxed and was falling asleep.<p>

"My mom and I used to watch it together. After she was killed I went into a dark place and – and I found comfort and relief in reading your books, Castle. They pulled me into another world and for a while I could forget."

Kate had watched Rick out of the corner of her eye and each time the 'femme fatale' character appeared she felt him tense momentarily.

"Hey, Castle, what's with you and the redheaded nasty on Temptation Lane?"

"She's Alexis' mother. That's Meredith Rogers, my first wife." She could see the anger burn in his eyes and she wisely backed off but he wouldn't let go.

"Imagine that woman and Alexis together? After the accident, she didn't even want to hold her. What kind of mother can be that cold to _any_ child in pain, especially her own? I spent hours just holding her and rocking her while her mother 'worked' on her career. I would have divorced her eventually because the longer she was around but not 'around', the more I grew to hate her."

"I'm sorry, Rick. I didn't mean to rip the scab off."

"It'll never heal. The hate will never go away. Every birthday, every major event in her life, Meredith's been 'unavailable'. She wants to take Alexis for the summer but I've told her 'no'. I won't subject Alexis to what I'm afraid may be a humiliating situation."

"Then we'll have to figure out how to keep her home, Rick." She felt the arm he'd draped over her shoulders pull her into him and he turned his head away from her, not wanting her to see his face.

Kate reached up and pulled his face towards her and then kissed the tear that was hanging from one eyelash away.

"Yes, Rick, I said 'we'. I won't let anyone hurt her either. She's more yours than her mother's. You put band aids on scraped knees and elbows, you chased away the monsters under the bed, you were the one who held her when she cried. We'll keep her home with us."

"Speaking of which, as much as I love your clothing choice, she'll be home soon and maybe we shouldn't spring – "

"Shit! That's right. I'll run up and shower and dress. Oh, crap, everything I have is wrinkled and – " She leaped off the couch.

"Hey, Hang your sweater on a padded hangar while you shower. It'll steam out any wrinkles. Go. And put my shirt under the pillow on your side of the bed for later. Oh, Kate, I almost forgot. What size shoe do you wear? We might have something you could wear home so you don't freeze your widdle piggies off. It is December, y'know?"

She stopped on her way up the stairs and turned and gave him a stunning smile, mentioned her size, and then ran up the stairs.

'_Her__' __side __of __the __bed._ Her face hurt from smiling. She had a feeling she'd be smiling a lot in the future.

When she was safely out of earshot, he found his cell and called his daughter.

"Alexis, I need you to do me a big favor – buy Kate some boots. She came over last night – yes, she spent the night – _any_ how, she was in a hurry and forgot her shoes. Yes, I know it's December but – look, get some decent boots, y'know, leather, heels, something she can chase and arrest miscreants in while still stylin'."

He listened to her go on about how happy she was and that she'd be happy to spend the night with a friend but he cut her off.

"Alexis, she's not taking anyone's place in my life, especially not yours. I'm adding to the important people in my life, not replacing anyone. I appreciate the offer but no. Come home. We'll order out and then watch a movie or – "

"Alexis Rogers Castle – you're not too damned big for a spanking. I didn't raise you to use that kind of language. Now, boots, oh, and see if you can find matching gloves?"

* * *

><p>While Kate showered, Rick made the bed, <em>'<em>_no __sense __advertising __our __sleeping __together_'. He quickly pressed off her jeans. Yes, he knew how to iron. He hadn't always been rich and shameless and Alexis tended to wrinkle everything she owned within seconds of putting it on as well as everything that was in the drawer that contained her selection.

He also made the bold move of emptying out a drawer in his armoire so that Kate would have a place to keep casual clothes and changes when she stayed over. He was making massive assumptions but he felt the need to do so. He went through his closet and threw away old clothes that he'd kept around for sentimental reasons that now seemed stupid and juvenile.

"Rick, is that you banging around in there?" She finally opened the en suite door and stuck her head out. He was holding a large dark plastic bag and looked like a deer in the headlights.

"Throwing away all your porn, sweetie?" She arched one eyebrow and fixed him with her 'Kate the Interrogator' look.

"No, just – just making room for anything you might like to bring over in case – ah, well, Kate, I mean…" Flustered, he turned and walked out of the bedroom. Stupid. Stupid.

It took her a few seconds to wrap herself in a towel, _'__God,__where __does __he __buy __his __linens?__These __towels __are __incredible!__'_ and walk out into the bedroom. The top drawer of his armoire was open and empty and a quick check of the walk-in closet showed 4 feet of empty hanging space along the one wall.

She saw the ironing board and iron and then noticed that her jeans were freshly pressed and still warm. The man was a bundle of contradictions and surprises. He _ironed!_ And what's more, he put a crease in her jeans that you could cut paper with. 'Domestic Castle' was a new layer of his onion.

* * *

><p>Rick threw the large bag into the dumpster and took a deep breath. Stupid. He was so damned stupid. Kate had her own place and here he was suggesting that she plan on spending nights at his place when he knew damned good and well that she valued her privacy and independence above all else. There was no way in hell she'd risk her reputation for over-night pleasures, not with the paparazzi floating around with cameras ready to shoot the slightest hint of impropriety.<p>

He ran through various 'explanations' during the elevator ride to the loft floor.

_I was bored and decided to do a little late fall house cleaning.'_

'_Just making room for all the Christmas presents I'll be getting?'_

'_I have to hide Alexis' gift someplace!'_

The truth: _'__I __wanted __you __to __have __your __own __space __in __my __place.__I __know __it__'__s __stupid, __and __I __seem__ '__stuck __on __stupid__' __when __I t__ry __to __talk __about __you __and __me, __but __it__'__s __the __truth, __Kate.__'_

* * *

><p>Kate was fully clothed and waiting for Rick to return. She'd put on what makeup she'd found in her purse and brushed her hair out as best she could and then realized he'd seen her naked and without makeup and he hadn't hit the door running so she relaxed and puttered around in his kitchen, learning where things went.<p>

The implications of the dresser drawer and closet were clearer than anything he might hem and haw and stammer and stutter before getting to the point.

They were indicators that he wanted more and that any thoughts she might have harbored way down in the deepest part of her mind where she kept her basest fears that this was a one-time thing evaporated.

Kate heard the key in the lock and turned away to pour them both more coffee so he wouldn't think she was waiting to pounce on him the moment he walked through the door.

She'd wait until the poor man at least sat down before she began asking leading questions. She had three months left on her apartment lease and she'd casually mention it in conversation at some later date and see what came of it. If Castle could plot all of this in a novel, she would plot more for them as time went by.

Castle fumbled with the key and finally got the lock open and walked in to the foyer and threw his keys into the basket on the small table just inside.

"I made fresh coffee, Rick. Come sit down and let's talk about meeting my old man on Sunday. You should know up front just what you're walking into. He's been waiting years to have this talk with someone and I just know my dad."

Rick let go a sigh of relief. Either she hadn't noticed the drawers and closet or she had and was blowing it off. Good. He didn't think any of his explanations would stand a close scrutiny.

"Um, what talk, Kate?"

"The one he always wanted to have when I brought a guy home to dinner but gave up hoping to have. You know, what are your intentions? How did you two meet? Have you done the dirty deed yet? Are you going to hurt her?" The last question would be heavily implied but maybe not asked outright.

Rick thought about the questions as the walked into the kitchen and sat down next to her at the island. He reached over and took her hand in his and looked at her and now, for just a second, it was her turn to feel like a deer in the headlights.

"My intentions are to love her, cherish her and give her anything she wants or needs. We met at a crime scene and it was hate at first sight. We've made love twice. I'll never deliberately or consciously hurt her, not ever."

There. His cards were all on the table. He had nothing left and he just waited patiently while she stared into her coffee cup that suddenly seemed to be incredibly interesting.

"You might want to leave out the 'made love twice' comment." She spoke low and softly as if addressing here coffee cup.

"I was only responding honestly to 'his question'. Do you want me to lie? Do you want me to deny my feelings, and beg off the questions?"

"No! I just don't think my dad's ready to hear about my nights of sexual debauchery, Rick. I think what you said was beautiful but my dad looks at me and remembers the hospital and then my mom. Being that blunt might not be the best approach."

"Kate, if he asks me man-to-man, I won't lie to him."

"Well, maybe – "

"I'm home, Dad. Mission accomplished. I added another zero to your AMEX bill. I've fulfilled my purpose for another month, or maybe until Bloomingdale's has another big sale. Hi, Kate! I'm starved, Dad. What's for dinner?"


	9. Chapter 9

A connecting chapter, not much more. Some fluff for you Twilighters and some warning hints for those of you who are older than 18 and have seen the Elephant

OM

She Learned the Truth at 17 By Oldest Man

Chapter 9

"_No! I just don't think my dad's ready to hear about my night of sexual debauchery, Rick. I think what you said was beautiful but my dad looks at me and remembers the hospital and then my mom. Being that blunt might not be the best approach."_

"_Kate, if he asks me man-to-man, I won't lie to him."_

"_Well, maybe – "_

"_I'm home, Dad. Mission accomplished. I added another zero to your AMEX bill. I've fulfilled my purpose for another month, or maybe until Bloomingdale's has another big sale. Hi, Kate! I'm starved, Dad. What's for dinner?"_

* * *

><p>Rick mixed up Juevos Rancheros - eggs with spicy salsa and onions and diced peppers, well stirred. He set them aside for later. He'd peeled and diced a few potatoes and par boiled them to soften them and added garlic and some small peppers more for color than taste and then sat back and relaxed.<p>

Kate and Alexis were busy talking about shoes and boots and Kate kept thanking Alexis for her good taste. They were designed to be worn over the calves with the pants tucked in or could be worn with leggings. Either way, she told Alexis they were perfect.

Sensing that Kate was nervous about her new relationship with her dad, she just struck and struck hard, putting to rest all the fears and anxiety Kate might have about their new relationship.

"Kate, it's nice having a woman here who can remember being my age. Grams is wonderful but she remembers when street cars were drawn by horses and the movies had no words. I mean, Kate, the woman is old and thinks like a woman in her 50s."

"She's not old, she's just from another generation. She's smart and made it in a man's world without needing a man around all the time. I think she did a great job raising your dad until you came along. You whipped him into shape and he'll be the first person to admit it."

"You're unique, y'know? Dad _never_ brought a woman to the loft, not even for dinner. He and Gina had been engaged for almost 3 months before Grams and I even met her and that was at brunch. She came by once and he talked with her in the hallway. You're special, Kate. He's serious as a heart attack if he let you stay the night."

"Well, I barged in on him. We'd had a misunderstanding and I just had to make it right with him. Alexis, I love your dad and I don't want you to think I'm trying to take your place or anything. He's – "

"You're kidding, right? I love the idea of another woman from the same century living here. Maybe you can convince Dad to keep me here this summer instead of agreeing to Meredith's demands that I spend the summer with her. She probably has some plot working for a movie and needs a kid in her life temporarily. I don't love her, I don't like her and I don't need her."

"Well, summer's still a long way off."

"If you ladies are hungry, we're about to eat. Castle's world renowned Juevos Rancheros will be ready in 10 minutes. Alexis, go wash up."

"Can I help?" Kate felt useless and she could at least offer to help.

"Yeah, you can beat these eggs and stuff up and then stand by to pour when I give you the word."

Rick added a smidgen of virgin olive oil to a hot frying pan and dumped in the potatoes and added some salt and pepper and shoved them around with a spatula.

"I suppose Alexis gave you the 'be nice to my dad or I'll - ' lecture? I'm sorry. She's very protective of her cub."

Kate laughed as she whisked the eggs and elbowed him. "She's perfect, Rick. You've done an excellent job raising her. Seriously, the only thing she told me about was – you never really brought another woman here, ever?"

"Nope. This is my family, Kate. I hope you realize that you're special. I love you and I wanted you to see my world for a while. I know the paparazzi can be a pain in the ass but I promise you that I'll do everything – "

She knew where this was heading and she wanted no part of it. When she walked through that door Friday evening she left behind any reservations about being with Richard Castle.

She set the bowl down and kissed him hungrily and ran her hands up around his neck and deepened it until she heard Alexis coming back down the stairs.

"You talk too much, honey. Now when do I add the eggs?"

"Eggs? Huh?" He looked at her like she was speaking another language.

"Supper?" She loved the dazed look on his face.

"Oh, yeah. See, you have to make sure the potatoes are just browned and crispy and then – pour in the eggs over top of them and let the mixture cook. You and Alexis can set the table if we're eating civilized this evening or we can just eat here."

"Here. I like being close to you and across the table is just too far right now. I'm feeling very emotional right now in case you hadn't noticed. This is a family and you've brought me in even if it's just for the weekend and – "

"Kate, if I haven't made myself clear with my broad hints – and no I wasn't throwing away my porn collection – I want you with me always or as often as you like."

"I have 3 months left on my apartment lease. Any idea where I might find a roommate to share expenses and bodily fluids?" She batted her eyes and smiled.

"Ewww, minor person in the room. Please keep it PG-13." Alexis snickered and pushed her way between the two adults. "Look, I think all this ooing and ahhing is sweet but I'm a growing girl and I need nourishment."

"Yeah, daughter, I agree. You both could use a few extra pounds. Sit and prepare to be amazed!"

Kate smirked but after a few bites changed her tune.

"Castle, these are amazing! My God, I'm going to gain 20 lbs this weekend!" She looked at him, suddenly serious.

"Rick, do you really think I'm too skinny? Really, just tell me the truth." She'd never had a problem with weight gain, it was always hanging on to the weight that was the problem. She had a high BMR and didn't always eat regularly or eat healthy foods and she was a physical training nut.

"I decline to answer on the grounds that you'll either be mad at me or think I'm lying to you. It's a no-win situation for the CastleMan. I invoke the 5th."

"We will talk about this later, Rick, after I clean my plate and ask for seconds. Where did you learn to cook like this?"

A shadow passed over his face but he quickly smiled when Alexis changed the subject.

"So, Kate, is it hard being a woman in the police force?"

The conversation went on as Kate related amusing anecdotes that had Rick laughing and thinking about where he could use them in the next Nikki Heat novel while Alexis listened and thought about her own future.

* * *

><p>They watched several DVDs and soon Castle was the only one awake in the loft. Alexis was asleep with her head on Kate's lap and Kate had tucked herself under his shoulder and had one hand fisted in his shirt to make sure he didn't stray.<p>

And that was how Martha found them when she strolled into the loft a little before midnight.

"Shh. I think I wore them out. I thought you said '10:00', Mother." He whispered, not wanting to wake them just yet.

"Don't start, Richard. It was 10:00 _tomorrow_ night. We had a bit of an argument and I decided to leave. He'll call, I'm sure."

"Well, I was wondering if you could look after Alexis tomorrow afternoon. Kate's dad has invited us up for Sunday dinner and I wasn't looking forward to injecting Alexis into a potentially emotional first contact."

"Sure. If Chet calls, we'll work something out. Is she staying the night?" She liked this woman and felt she was just what her son needed to bring out the Rick Rogers who hid behind the façade of Richard Castle, playboy and author.

"I see she took my advice unlike someone I know who has ignored mine for years. Well, here's a little more, kiddo. Don't let this one get away. If she says the sky is taupe, agree. There's something special about her, but I'm sure you've already found that out."

"Um, well, yeah. Let me disengage myself from her and let's talk. I need a little wisdom and you seem to be the only source that doesn't judge."

Martha turned quickly before he could see how his simple words affected her. She hadn't exactly set a stunning example of how to handle relationships.

The pair retreated to his study and he laid out all that had happened since Friday night, leaving out the sex, of course, and they talked about his commitments in the past and what seemed to be an implied commitment on both their parts to a future together.

"Well, darling, it appears that both of you are on the same page but I caution you – this is Kate's first love and it may not last. Stop! Before you start telling me I'm wrong, please listen and don't interrupt."

Rick nodded in agreement. He'd had the very same thought about him being her 'first' and had chosen to ignore it because of his own intense feelings for Kate.

"Kyra Blaine. Ring any bells? A first 'true love' for the both of you and yet she left you high and dry. Remember how you felt? What happens if Kate chooses the same path? Oh, I don't mean she'll set out to destroy you any more than Kyra did, but you must keep that in mind. She's younger than you and all this romance is new to her and – what if it doesn't last for her, Richard? What if you're not the One?"

He remembered how he felt after Kyra left for England. It had been devastating to him so soon after the mess in the Balkans. He'd enrolled in college as soon as he'd separated from the service and had pushed himself hard to finish early, write his first novel, and balance a relationship with Kyra.

He wrote his second novel while wallowing around in self-doubt and self-pity. It had been a good novel but a bad time for him. He had drank too much and screwed anything that would hold still long enough. Beckett's comment about the 'scarred snake' had been truer than she knew. She just had the time frame wrong.

He was nodding his head as he thought about what his mother had said and what the aftermath had been like for him.

If Meredith hadn't gotten pregnant and he hadn't married her, what would his future have been like? Bleak. His daughter had saved him. She'd given him unconditional love when all the other women in his life had walked away or were planning to.

"I'll take Alexis up to bed. She'll sleepwalk her way upstairs for me. You, my darling son, need to deal with Kate. She's a lovely girl and I look forward to spending time with her. Just – just keep in mind what I've told you and guard your heart."

Martha hugged her son and pressed a kiss into his hair and sighed.

'_He loves too fast and too deeply. Maybe this time it will have the storybook ending everyone seemed to hope for.'_

* * *

><p>Kate woke up when Martha took Alexis up to bed. Alexis was on 'autopilot' but still managed a 'G'night, Kate' while stumbling her way to bed. Martha had smiled and pointed to the study and then wished her a good night.<p>

"He's in there. We had a long talk about some things that he wouldn't want you to know about. Be careful with him. He's in love with you and I just hope you understand what that means, Kate. Well, I'll bid you two good night. I'll be looking after Alexis tomorrow so enjoy your dinner with your father. Maybe we can have him down for dinner some evening?"

Kate rubbed the sleep from her eyes and got up and walked into the study. It had only been 24 hours since she'd made her declaration and yet it seemed like long ago.

Unconsciously, she approached him in the same way as before, walking up behind his chair and wrapping her arms around his neck while pressing her scarred cheek against his stubbly one.

"Your mother's going to watch out for Alexis tomorrow. She asked me to invite my dad to dinner here some night. Think it's a good idea?"

"Depends. If he doesn't kill me or throw my out of the house, yeah, definitely. You should warn him about my mother, though. She sees single men as incomplete and, well, she's a terrible flirt and I wouldn't want him getting the wrong idea."

"My dad will love you, Rick, just like I do. It's late and I didn't mean to crash on you but you were so warm and – Rick, Alexis put her head on my lap and just went to sleep. Has that – "

"Never before. Gina was cold towards her, resenting her relationship with me. She never warmed towards Alexis and Alexis avoided any physical display of affection like the plague. It was a long and painful two years. She had her 5th and 6th operations and I spent more time with her than with my 'wife' and Gina resented the loss of time and how I put my writing on hold."

"She was selfish, Rick. That's probably when she 'strayed' like you said."

"Yeah. I guess it was."

"Martha told me you two had a long talk. Was it about us? Does she disapprove?" She didn't think Martha did but wanted Rick's take on it.

"Yeah, about us but mostly about me and my poor 'relationship history'. She likes you and that's a first, Kate. She never liked any of the others."

She wondered just how many 'others' there were but dismissed it. There would be no 'others' in his life. She was all he'd ever want or need.

"I'm curious to see if last night was a 'one time thing', well, '_two_ time thing'. C'mon, my lover, take me to bed and dispel all my doubts."

"Ooh, no pressure, right, Kate?"

"I was just kidding, Rick. But I meant it. Let's go to bed. We've both had a long day and I want to end it in your arms so get up and move it, old man."

"Go up and take a bath or whatever. I'll lock up and be up in ten minutes or so. I have a few thoughts about the next novel I just want to get down before I forget them. Y'know, 'senior moments' are becoming more and more frequent as I get older…"

"Butt head. Don't be too long."

* * *

><p>Sunday Morning<p>

6:30am

She woke slowly, savoring the feeling of warmth and the tickle of his breath on her neck. She reached back and ran her palm across his cheek. He'd shaved right before coming to bed and when she asked him 'why', he'd just smiled.

She found out why and learned another thing about her boyfriend/lover: he had a most talented and gifted tongue. She blushed when she remembered her sudden shyness but felt her face pulse with heat when she remembered how she'd smothered her cries and moans in his pillow as she'd climaxed.

When they finally coupled, it was as good as anything she'd ever experienced. She just didn't know if she could survive anymore 'surprises' from Castle. She honestly thought she was having a heart attack but what a way to go!

She felt his morning erection against her and she wiggled her butt around until she had it right where she wanted it and then she clenched her muscles and laughed when he expelled a breath into her ear and squirmed against her.

"You play dirty, Kate. It's just my 'morning nature', that's all." He started to roll over and get up but she grabbed the arm that crossed over her and mumbled 'no, stay'.

"Kate, please! I'm old and bladder control is an issue – "

She laughed and let him go. Sometimes she wondered what his hang up was with his age. He wasn't that much older than she was, only 8 years separated them, and not that much younger than her – _father?_

She'd deal with it when the time came but right then she needed the bathroom, too.

They ate a light breakfast and left a note for the still sleeping redheads. Kate wanted to go to her apartment, shower and wash her hair and change clothes. Rick could pick her up around 10 and they'd drive up to her father's house and be there by 1pm.

The cab ride to her apartment was quick given the early hour. She kissed him soundly and went into her apartment.

"Where to now, sir?" the cab driver asked.

He gave him his home address and sat back to enjoy the ride and think.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Rick cooked breakfast for his mother and daughter. They hadn't even stirred until he shouted up the stairs for them to get up. He kept glancing at the clock nervously. He really, really didn't want to meet Kate's father. He had never done well with fathers. Meredith's father had passed away and her stepfather wasn't at all interested in her life. Gina's parents were living on the west coast and came to the wedding but showed no interest in being step-grandparents.

"Darling, if you look at that clock or your watch one more time, I'm going to lock you in your room. You're as nervous as a cat."

"Just not looking forward to 'dinner with Dad'."

"Just relax and be yourself. I doubt his approval will change Kate's mind about her feelings for you. I did ask her to invite him down for dinner with the four of us later this month. I'm curious to meet the man who raised her, aren't you?"

"No. I'd rather gargle Drano if you want the God's honest truth. I just don't want to upset things, y'know? We're still 'new' and meeting the parent isn't high on my to-do list."

"Well, suck it up. You're going and that's all there is to it. I think Kate's probably as nervous as you are."

* * *

><p>Beckett's apartment<p>

Kate was nervous. She'd never brought a boy to dinner let alone a man. She just hoped that her father's sarcastic wit and need to one-up everyone was in check. They were still so 'new' and fragile as a couple although Kate couldn't imagine a life without him now.

She put the finishing touches to her makeup and sat down with a cup of coffee and waited. The clock seemed to slow down as she watched it and she would swear on a stack of Bibles that it completely stopped for a minute or two before starting again.

She looked at herself in the mirror and frowned. Was she too thin? She was wearing gray slacks and a black cashmere turtleneck and wore her mother's ring on a silver chain that dangled the precious ring between her breasts. She didn't need to wear a turtleneck around Rick.

He seemed oblivious to her scars and in fact seemed to spend more time kissing and nibbling at them than the other side. She asked him about it and he seemed surprised and rolled over and thought about it. His answer surprised her.

"I'm right handed but favor my left for caressing and since we generally lie on our sides, me on my right and you on your left, the right side of you is more available. Why? Does it bother you? I'll stop. I didn't think about it."

Her response had been to crawl onto him and attack him with kisses and her own caresses. She loved touching him and the feel of his shaft in her hand and his response to her touch empowered her.

Kate blew a puff of air at an errant lock of hair that dangled in front of her eyes and frowned.

'_I can't believe I'm sitting here daydreaming about my boyfriend's thing in my hand and – oh, crap, I'm doing it again!'_

Next: Meeting the Ogre


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: To protect your sensitivities, no boobs. You'll probably have to be somewhat of an adult to really appreciate this chapter. If you're a father, you'll appreciate both Jim and Castle's predicaments and perspectives. Don't blame me for Beckett's behavior. It's who she is.

OM

* * *

><p><span>She Learned the Truth at 17<span> By Oldest Man

Chapter 10

_He seemed oblivious to her scars and in fact seemed to spend more time kissing and nibbling at them than the other side. She asked him about it and he seemed surprised and rolled over and thought about it. His answer surprised her._

"_I'm right handed but favor my left for caressing and since we generally lie on our sides, me on my right and you on your left, the right side of you is more available. Why? Does it bother you? I'll stop. I didn't think about it."_

_Her response had been to crawl onto him and attack him with kisses and her own caresses. She loved touching him and the feel of his shaft in her hand and his response to her touch empowered her. _

Beckett's Apartment

At exactly 9:58 Beckett's cell began chiming and she ran into the kitchen to find it. She'd left it behind and had never given it a thought when she returned to her apartment.

"Hey, Rick, are you running late?" It was Castle on the phone.

"No, just wondering – can you drive a standard shift, Kate?"

"Yeah, why? Oh, your knee. I forgot. Hey, why are you driving? I thought you said you'd use a car service."

"I wanted to share something special with you this morning – any morning really – and I didn't think to ask. Can you?"

"Yes, Richard. I can drive a standard."

"Good. Then come down and drive my car. It's killing my leg to shift and I don't want to be popping painkillers around your dad. It might give him the wrong idea."

"Okay, be right down." She put her cell on the charger and grabbed her purse, a gift for her dad and locked up. She walked through the lobby and pushed open her apartment door and stopped – astonished.

Castle was nonchalantly leaning across the roof of a Ferrari 458 Italia – red with a black hardtop – and grinning. A set of keys dangled from his fingertips.

"C'mon. I figure you'll want to go the 'long way' but I don't want to be late, Kate. We can drive back by way of Canada on the way home."

"R-R-Rick – oh, my…" She opened the door and slid into the driver's seat and the smell of leather and Castle's cologne enveloped her.

Kate reached for the ignition key but Rick stopped her. "Nuh uh – seat belt. The seat adjustment's on the left, the radio and other stuff is on the smart stick. Not too intimidating for you, is it, Beckett?"

She buckled up, adjusted her mirror, started the big engine, revved it to get the feel of the power surging around and then peeled out leaving a few hundred mile's worth of rubber back in front of her apartment.

* * *

><p>Long Island Expressway<p>

Rick loved the look of pure pleasure on her face. She drove the same way she approached any task, head on and without hesitation. He watched her double-clutch and downshift when a semi pulled on in front of her and laughed at her 'Shit!' when he didn't hit 90mph within seconds and she had to decelerate.

He leaned his seat back a bit and smiled and closed his eyes. He loved the look on her face and loved putting it there. If she thought this was something – wait until she got a gander at the bi-plane out at Easthampton Aviation he'd bought and learned to fly as 'research'.

Neither one said a word during the drive out to Beckett's dad's place out on the Island. He just relaxed and thought about all the things that could go wrong in the short time he'd spend with her father.

She reveled in the power, speed and sheer pleasure of driving a car she could only someday dream of owning, let alone actually drive. She glanced over at Rick and smiled at his contented smile and drowsy eyes.

She thought about her father and his probable reaction to her boyfriend – a term she never thought she'd ever use except in reference to someone else's, never hers.

After Johanna's death, her father grown despondent and verbally abusive to Kate and she'd finally moved out, quit college and entered the Police Academy.

Two years after his wife's death, Jim Beckett sold their apartment and moved out of the city. There were just too many memories and too many bars and liquor stores. His new place was bigger than he needed but the price had been right and the location ideal and so he'd moved, gotten into AA and was living the rest of his life as he wanted.

The rest was history, some of it good but most of it unremarkable.

* * *

><p>Jim Beckett's Home<br>Port Washington, Long Island

When Kate pulled up into the long gravel drive and parked, she asked Rick to be patient with her dad.

"He's bitter and sarcastic sometimes. He hates that I'm a cop and makes every effort to convince me to go back to school and 'make something of myself'. He quit teaching and he writes the occasional article but other than that and AA meetings, I'm all he's got. Be patient, please?"

"If he starts in on you, I'll just walk out of the room but Kate, I understand something of what he feels. You're all he's got left and every single time the phone rings he's afraid it's someone telling him his daughter's been hurt or killed. I'd feel the same way if Alexis were a cop. I feel that way about you."

"Maybe if he knew Rick Rogers was my shadow…" She smiled at him, letting the remainder of her sentence go unsaid but understood by both.

"Instead of Richard Castle, playboy and 'scarred snake fucker'?"

She momentarily forgot to breathe. He knew her better than anyone except perhaps for her father and his comment was double-edged. She reached for his hand but he stepped away.

"Kate, he doesn't know about me, just what he saw on TV and probably has read in the newspapers. I don't think knowing that I'm going to shadow you is going to make much difference to him."

"It does to me. And I can't apologize enough for what I said that first day in the alley. It was cruel and thoughtless but I didn't know you and then all I saw was hurt in your eyes and I wanted to take it back but you were gone."

"I know that, Kate. It's history. I'm looking at it from a father's perspective, that's all. This is the first time he's had to deal with this situation and he's just as uncertain as I am. He loves you and he wants to protect you from all the men out there who might prey upon you. He won't accept that I love you just by hearing it. He'll have to see it demonstrated over time, Kate."

"Well, c'mon. He's probably watching from the living room window and asking himself what's going on. Let me handle the hard parts, honey, all right?"

"I thought we were a couple. We should do things together and that includes stuff like this. Okay, but I reserve the right to jump in if it gets ugly, fair enough?"

"It won't get ugly as long as you just be yourself. If I love you, he'll have to accept it." She spoke with such certainty that he didn't have the heart to tell her that as a father, what _she_felt didn't count. She would always be daddy's little girl.

* * *

><p>Dinner was simple fare and Rick found the conversation between father and daughter hard to follow at times and difficult to listen to at others.<p>

There were a lot of things that only needed to be 'half spoken' to be understood between father and daughter leaving Rick in the dark but satisfied that blood hadn't been shed – yet.

"Rick, what do you think? Shouldn't Katie be thinking about her future? I think she needs to go back to school, even if it's just at night, and finish up those few courses she needs for her degree. What do you think?"

"Daddy – " Her look made Rick want to hold her and tell her everything would be okay if she just trusted him.

"No, Katie. I want to know what Rick thinks. Rick?"

"I think your daughter's got a mind of her own. I've seen what happens first-hand when she's crossed," he tried making light of it but saw from Jim's frown that he couldn't, "but whatever she wants to do in life, I'll support her decision and help her anyway I can. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's how I feel."

"I see. So you think this business of putting her life on the line everyday for people who don't care is okay? You're okay with her risking her life to bring justice to people who are dead and are beyond caring?"

"Dad! That's enough. I didn't bring Rick here to be interrogated like one of your mock trials. He's not on trial here. I am. Every time I come up here it's the same thing and you wonder why my visits are few and far, far between."

"Kate, let me answer."

"No, Rick. This isn't fair to either of us – " but he interrupted her and continued with his answer.

"I can't think of a nobler calling than what she does. She brings closure and comfort to people who have suffered an agonizing loss and she wants, more than anything in the world, to answer their unspoken question, 'Why? Why my son, daughter, brother, friend or you fill in the blank'. I know it's trite sounding, but she speaks for those who can't."

"So did her mother and you see how that worked out?"

"Dad!" Kate left the table then, almost knocking over her chair in her haste to put distance between her and her father. She ran upstairs to 'her' room and threw herself on the bed.

* * *

><p>"I – I just don't want to have to identify another piece of me on some morgue slab. You're a father, Rick, surely you understand – "<p>

"I understand that if you want your daughter in your life you have to accept her choices and live with them. I know it's not the same, how I feel about her and how you feel, but I'm scared shitless that I'll get a call in the middle of the night, the day, hell, anytime, that she's gone. But it's part of what makes Kate, Kate. I have to accept it if I want to be part of her life."

They talked for almost an hour while Jim washed the dishes and Rick dried. Mostly about kids, hopes and dreams, carefully avoiding any mention of Kate's mother.

* * *

><p>Kate was walking down the stairs thinking about how hard it was to be around her father. She'd spent almost half an hour crying in her old bed that her dad had moved with him but she'd calmed down and was going to join them. Her ears perked up when she heard her father drop a bomb on her boyfriend.<p>

"So, you love my Katie, huh? Until something new comes along? You've got quite the reputation, Rick Castle." He'd deliberately caught him off guard and that's the way he'd planned it.

"I'll love her for the rest of my life. The 'Rick Castle' in the gossip columns is the creation of my agent and publisher. I don't date and haven't in 4 years. I spend all my time writing or with my daughter. Now, how long will Kate stay with me? That's the question."

Rick looked at Jim and then out the window at the melting snow. He didn't want to have this conversation at all, especially not with Kate's father, but he'd opened his mouth and it was too late to put the cat back into the bag.

"She's not a cheater, Rick. Not my Katie."

"I know that, but I'm not naive enough to think for one minute that I'm the last guy she'll ever love. I'm just her first. Look, I'm older than she is. She'll find someone younger, better looking, someone she has more in common with and she'll try not to but she'll fall in love and then she'll leave me."

"You make I sound like it's inevitable."

"Been married twice, divorced twice, both found others that filled their career or personal needs that I couldn't and I don't doubt for one minute that someday she'll leave, too. I don't want to lose her but I'll step aside if it makes her happy."

He stared at her father, as if daring him to doubt him. In a small voice, almost talking to himself he said, "I just want her to be happy, that's all."

Kate sat down on the riser and put her hands in her face and sighed. He loved her, that much was plain, but he didn't believe he'd be her last, just her first, and that just wasn't true. Somehow, some way, she had to convince him of her sincerity.

Kate walked into the kitchen and put her arm around Rick's waist and slipped under his arm.

"Rick, it's getting late, honey, and I've got a full day tomorrow. Dad, Rick's mom wants you to come down between Christmas and New Years for dinner and to meet the rest of the family. Please come?"

"Sure. Give us a couple of minutes, will you, Rick?"

Castle walked out onto the porch and pulled his suit coat around him. It had gotten decidedly colder now that the sun was down. He walked out to the car and started it and then got into the passenger seat and waited.

Kate opened the door and climbed in, shivering from the cold. She noted the warmth of the seat and looked over at him and he just smiled. "Electrically heated seats. Can't have you freezing your butt off, can I?"

Kate turned on the radio and drove back to the city.

* * *

><p>Both were uncharacteristically quiet, especially Castle, whose mind was turning over the conversation with Kate's Dad. They were just a few blocks from her apartment where she was going to spend the night since she had work and he had a meeting with Gina and Paula.<p>

"Well, did I behave?" He looked over at her profile. She wasn't smiling and he figured they'd have an argument sooner or later, just not this soon.

"Yeah, you were…perfect. He said you were perfect for me and that I'd have to work really, really hard to screw this up because…"

"Because?" She had his full attention now.

"Because the only way you'll ever leave me is if I drive you away." Her remarks were unexpected.

"Oh. Well, that's true, Kate."

"I heard what you said in the kitchen. I was walking down the back stairs and I heard him ask you if you loved me and I heard your answer."

"I told you I wouldn't lie to him if he asked me a direct question and your dad sure asks some _direct_ questions."

"Rick, why don't you think we'll last? Yes, this is the first relationship I've ever been in but it's got to be the best thing for both of us. We're up front with one another, you're brutally honest with me and I'm the one whose love is in question."

"I don't doubt that you love me, Kate. I just don't think I'm the only man you'll ever love. I'm not creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here, babe. I'm in this forever. I've done my comparison shopping and you're the only woman I've loved _and_ been in love with. See the difference?"

He glanced over and saw her eyes shining with unshed tears and how she was gnawing on her lower lip.

"Kate, please, let's just live life as it comes. You'll never have to worry about me cheating, straying, whatever you want to call it. I've never felt this way about any other woman. Let's not argue about semantics."

"It's not semantics, it's about trust. You don't trust my commitment."

"I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut. I told the truth to your father in response to a direct question. I don't lie, Beckett."

"Castle, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that deep down inside, where you've hidden Rick Rogers, you don't see us being together for the rest of our lives. Is that the correct interpretation?"

Her voice was getting colder and colder as the conversation went on and he was just digging himself a deeper hole with each sentence so he went on the offensive.

"You overheard something. You eavesdropped. You violated my trust. It was between your father and I, Beckett. If you hadn't interrupted us you just might have heard that I was going to tell him that I intended to buy an engagement ring for Valentine's Day – that's how committed I was."

"Was?" She was on the verge of tears now.

"Am. Semantics. Tense. Jesus, why are you making such a big thing out of this? Yes, I'm afraid that some day you'll leave me. Yes. I'm afraid. But I refuse to let my fear dictate my life."

She pulled up in front of her apartment building and shifted into neutral and set the parking brake but sat there, not moving.

"Don't take this the wrong way but I don't want you to come in to the precinct until we settle some things. I'm tired and I'm going to put my foot in my mouth and say something stupid that I'll regret for the rest of my life so just give me some time to come to grips with all of this."

"Call me when you figure things out." He got out and walked around to her side and opened the door. He started to walk her to her apartment but she pulled her arm out of his grasp and stopped him.

"No, that's okay. I'm a big girl. I can find my own way," and walked away and up the short flight of steps to the lobby without looking back.

Castle watched her walk away and then got into his car and drove slowly back to his loft.

* * *

><p>Kate's Apartment<p>

She could hear her cell ringing as she fumbled with the keys to open the door. She was crying and could hardly see to fit the key into the door.

"Beckett" She willed herself to stop crying. Crying served no purpose. She'd just hurt the man she loved and walked away, exactly like he said she'd do some day. Stupid!

"Kate, where the hell you been? Is Castle with you?" It was Lanie Parrish and she sounded really exasperated and excited and tense.

"He just dropped me off. He's on his way back to his place." She waited for the inevitable rush of questions but instead heard her talking to someone in the background. _'__Send __a __patrol __car __to __Beckett__'__s __place.__She__'__s __there.__'_

"A uniform will be there to pick you up and bring you here. Captain Montgomery is on site and so are the Feds including your old friend Agent Shaw. It's really bad, Kate, and Castle's going to need our support."

"Wait! Where is 'here' and why are the Feds involved?" She didn't want to know anything else. The knot in her stomach begged her not to ask.

"The White Eagle killer is back. He left a calling card at Castle's apartment. Martha's refused to go to the hospital until Rick returned and she's been lightly sedated. He's not answering his cell and we were afraid he'd been taken, too."

"Too?" The knot was so tight she couldn't breathe.

"His daughter, Alexis. The killer took her. He wants Castle. He wants revenge."

"But Dalton Jefferson's dead! We saw it all. He's dead." She couldn't breathe. Alexis taken. She had an image of Rick holding his dead daughter and it was all too much for her. She ran to her bathroom and vomited.

Loft Building

* * *

><p>A uniformed police officer stopped Castle from turning into the parking garage. He asked Rick business and when he identified himself, the officer spoke into his shoulder microphone and said, "It's Castle. I'm sending him into the parking garage." And then to Castle he said, "Drive down into the garage. An Agent will meet you and explain the situation."<p>

Rick parked the Ferrari and got out and a man he vaguely recognized from Port Elizabeth and the motel met him and took him to the elevator.

"What's going on, Agent?"

"Agent Shaw is in charge and can explain everything to you, Mr. Castle. We're doing everything in our power to bring her back safely. Shaw needs your input and help. The kidnapper has been calling every 15 minutes and will only talk with you and she's getting impatient."

"Tough shit. Shaw needs to cool her jets. What kidnapper?" The elevator reached the 21st floor and the agent hustled him down to his door. The hall way was full of uniformed police and neighbors were being questioned. It was bedlam.

"Castle! Thank God you're here." Lanie rushed up to him and hugged him. "Why didn't you answer your damned cell phone?"

"I turned it off. We were – that's not important. Where are my mother and Alexis?" He peeled Lanie off him and looked for Shaw. She was sitting on a chair pulled over near the couch where Martha was lying, covered with a blanket. Her eyes were bandaged.

Shaw saw him and took him into his study.

"Castle, she's asleep. She got sprayed with Mace and the bandages are just to keep her from rubbing them raw. Look, here's the situation. Someone came up, knocked on the door and Mrs. Rogers answered it and someone sprayed her eyes and then she heard Alexis scream and your mother called 911."

"What else, Jordan. Don't parse out information like I'm some idiot off the streets."

Jordan pulled a towel off a large plastic evidence bag. Inside were two right hands. Another evidence bag held a letter and Jordan opened it carefully and put it flat on the desk for Castle to read it.

It was signed _Alexaya._ Rick sat down in his desk chair, ignoring the grisly bag of hands and reread the letter. She was dead. The entire back of her head was gone and her eyes were open and he remembered the dull brown instead of the lively eyes that he'd fallen in love with. He remembered finding a shovel and burying her in the village graveyard.

"Talk to me, Castle. What does it mean?" She had watched his face lose all color and he had sat down and read the letter again and again. She watched him run his fingertips over the signature.

"Agent Shaw, the kidnapper's on the phone again."

"Bring it in here. Have it traced. Tell her he's here but momentarily overcome. Buy us a few more seconds for a trace."

The agent returned and handed Shaw the cheap cell phone that had been left behind for Castle.

"Rick, keep her on the line as long as possible for a trace." She handed him the phone and he saw 'Alexis' in called ID.

"This is Richard Castle. Let me speak with my daughter. No proof of life and I hang up."

'_Richard Rogers, I have your daughter. You took someone precious from me and now I will take something precious from you.'_

"You're not Alexaya. She's dead. Who are you?" He was buying time for a trace. Agents were monitoring the conversation as was Shaw through her earpiece.

Shaw grimaced at his cold and demanding tone and started to say something when Castle continued.

"Call me back when she's awake, or better yet, I propose an exchange – me for her. It's me you want to hurt. Why bother with Alexis when you can have me to exact your revenge?"

'_Alexis? So you did love my sister after all. Interesting. She's been through a lot, your daughter. How was she burned?'_

"Her mother – there was an accident – boiling water. Where are you? I'll come alone and you can have me and let her go."

Shaw was vigorously shaking her head 'no' but Castle ignored her and kept talking.

'_You have paper? There are brownstones that are being torn down…'_

Castle felt a hand creep into his and he glanced up and saw Kate standing beside him. He ignored her and concentrated on the call.

"I'll be there, Ludmilla. I always hoped that somehow you made it out alive."

He disconnected the phone and pulled out the trailing wires and stood up. He pulled his hand from Kate's and walked over to a picture hanging on the wall and jerked it off and threw it aside revealing a wall safe.

He keyed in the combination and opened it. He took out two knives in sheaths and said to Shaw, "I want wired up just like last time. It's Alexaya's sister, Ludmilla. She'd be…30 or so. I wondered how Dalton got so close to his victims – he used her to lure them into a trap. Makes sense now, doesn't it, Beckett?"

Richard Castle had left the room. Richard Rogers was back.


	11. Chapter 11

Some of you more 'sensitive' readers may want to skip this chapter.

OM

* * *

><p><span>She Learned the Truth at 17<span> By Oldest Man

Chapter 11

"_Where are you? I'll come alone and you can have me and let her go."_

_Shaw was vigorously shaking her head 'no' but Castle ignored her and kept talking._

'_You have paper? There are brownstones that are being torn down…'_

_Castle felt a hand creep into his and he glanced up and saw Kate standing beside him. He ignored her and concentrated on the call._

"_I'll be there, Ludmilla. I always hoped that somehow you made it out alive."_

* * *

><p>Nothing made sense anymore to Katherine Beckett. Her world was spinning out of her control and she hated not being in control.<p>

"Castle, you can't do this. You can't go in alone. How will Alexis get home? You have to have backup, Castle. You had a spotter as a sniper. You need someone with you. Take me, Castle. If – if Alexis is released, someone needs to take care of her. She might be hurt or…"

"Wire me up, Shaw. And if you don't mind, can I borrow that neat little hammerless Colt again?"

He wasn't ignoring Kate, he was just focusing on details that would force him to suppress his raging emotions and fears about the safety of his daughter. He had to get 'cold' before things got hot.

Rick unbuttoned his shirt cuff and pushed up the sleeve and strapped on the sheath and ceramic knife that was issued to 'black ops' people that he'd 'requisitioned' while in the service. He saw Shaw eyeballing it.

"What? You can buy these on TV now. And liberals say nothing good ever comes out of the military-industrial complex." That got him a few nervous chuckles from some agents and a withering glare from Shaw.

"C'mon, Jordan. Show us some leg. I need your peashooter." More inappropriate humor.

He was struck by a sudden thought.

"Are any of you agents lawyers by chance?" He knew that back in the day J. Edgar had required that all agents have law degrees.

One young agent raised his hand and Castle motioned him over while he rebuttoned his shirt cuff.

Castle handed him a pen and a legal pad from his desk and said, "Write. This is a codicil to my Will and supersedes all others. Ready?" The agent nodded and Castle dictated.

Bare bones and to the point, it named Katherine Beckett as Executrix of the Estate and Guardian for his minor daughter, Alexis Rogers Castle. He looked over at Kate and she nodded and said, "Of course, Rick."

He bequeathed everything except for $10 to Meredith to buy a different color lipstick, $30 to Gina to actually buy a copy of his book and $5 million each to his mother and daughter. Kate would oversee the estate. He left Kate everything else.

He signed and dated it and had Jordan Shaw witness it.

"Okay, Beckett, you got your cannon with you? I don't want you sitting in my car in a bad neighborhood without being able to protect it."

He was wired and armed and before he left he grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and a jacket for Alexis out of the closet.

"She'll be cold, Kate. Lexie hates the cold. Keep her warm for me, please?" He blinked back tears and then told Shaw to 'follow us in a few minutes. Kate's driving so we'll get there a lot quicker'.

* * *

><p>The drive to the tenement district and its derelict brownstones reprieved by stalled urban redevelopment took 15 minutes and neither Rick nor Kate said a word.<p>

"Pull over here, Kate. Leave the engine running. If you see Lexie, run to her and then leave. I'm sorry we argued, Kate, but I won't ever lie to you."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek and said, "See ya around, Detective," and left, walking briskly to the front steps of the designated tenement. Beckett shook off her daze and ran to him, throwing her arms around him, trying not to spoil the moment by crying.

"You listen to me, Richard Castle, and you listen good. You better be safe and you better be ready to have me in your life for the rest of it because I'm not going anywhere but into that damned tenement with you, understand? 'I thought we were a couple. We should do things together and that includes stuff like this'. Isn't that what you said?"

"Kate, please…I need you out here, safe. Alexis will need you if anything goes wrong. Trust me, Kate. I want 'happily ever after' now more than ever but I can't operate with you in the room. Stay, baby, stay out here and be my backup for my kid…please, Kate?"

"Fine, but as soon as Shaw and her gang get here, I'm coming in there and you better still have both hands attached and that over-inflated ego holder you call a head intact, understand me?"

He kissed her quickly and ran up the steps. The door was ajar and he pushed it open wishing he'd remembered to bring a flashlight. When his eyes adjusted to the gloom he saw flickering light coming up from the basement area and carefully made his way down the debris-clogged, narrow stairs and into a dimly lit basement with a low ceiling and a dirt floor.

Something smelled – dead. He knew the smell from Bosnia. His unit had once uncovered a mass grave and forensic pathologists from all over the world spent days and days identifying individual remains. The smell was not something Rogers would ever forget. Even when it rained the smell still permeated clothing and nasal passages.

"I'm here. Where's my daughter?" He called out but not too loudly. He examined every visible element of the basement but he was alone. The flickering candles did not illuminate the entire basement area that he knew was at least 20X60 and all he could really see was an area of about 10X20 feet.

The basement door slammed shut and he jumped, startled, and almost reached for the small pistol in his coat pocket. He heard the tapping of heels on the stairs leading down into the basement and was momentarily blinded by the bright light of a flashlight.

He threw his arm across his eyes and blinked furiously. He needed to be able to _see_ and he'd effectively lost his night vision.

Cringing and unable to see much, Rick called out, "Where's my daughter? Where's Alexis?"

"So, you did love her. You named your daughter after Alexaya. Well, for that, you deserve the truth. She's in the building beside this one, asleep and safe. She is drugged and will sleep several more hours. I would not kill a child, not even yours." It was the voice of the woman from the phone call.

Rick's vision began to improve and he could see her outline and he walked slowly towards her, his hands at his side, unthreatening.

"Stop! I will shoot you if you do not stop!" Her voice had an hysterical edge to it and Rick decided to take a chance and play on that hysteria.

"Alexsaya? Is that you? No, it can't be. I – I buried you. I thought you were dead. Your – "

"That's close enough. Stop! Stop or I will shoot you!"

"Oh, Alexsaya, you wouldn't shoot your own husband, would you? We can be together now, Alexsaya, just as we hoped we could. There is no war here and we can live our lives as we planned and – "

"No! You are crazy. I am Ludmilla, her sister, Ludi, remember? You and Alexsaya?"

He had moved close enough to reach out and cup her face. She looked so much like Alexaya that he caressed the right side of her face and she closed her eyes for a moment for whatever reason, and he struck, fast, just as he'd been trained.

He slid his left hand behind her head and grasped her chin with his right and twisted, pulling the head counterclockwise while pushing up and away with the right.

There was an audible cracking and crunching sound and she dropped to the cellar floor, dead, her neck broken.

With a sob, Rick ran up the stairs and out of the abandoned brownstone's front door into a sea of flashing red lights and FBI agents and NYPD officers. The press had also arrived. They all had police scanners.

He saw Kate coming down the stairs of the adjacent brownstone's steps half-carrying and dragging Alexis who was still heavily drugged.

Paramedics rushed up and took Alexis from Kate and she turned and ran over to where Rick was making his way through the crowd of officers to the ambulance. She held him in a bone-crushing embrace.

"Are you all right? I heard everything, Rick. It's over and you did what you had to do to save Alexis and yourself. No one can blame you."

"I killed her. I used every trick in the book to get close enough and then I killed her. Jesus, Kate, what kind of man am I? I used a woman's love for her sister to get close enough to break her neck!"

"You're a father who did what he had to do to save his child. You're a good and kind man and I never want to hear you say anything like that again, hear me? Let's go check on Alexis and then you have to call Martha and tell her the news."

She grabbed his hand in hers and felt how cold it was and how unfocused his eyes were. "C'mon, Rick, let's go check on Alexis and then I think we need to go home and just hang on to each other for a long time."

Captain Montgomery and Agent Shaw intercepted the couple. "Beckett, a word, please? Mr. Castle, please see to your daughter but then Agent Shaw and I will need a few moments of your time before you can go home."

His tone and instructions made the hair on Kate's neck stand up. What was wrong now?

Rick just nodded and walked toward the ambulance and his daughter. He couldn't care less what the police or FBI wanted. He planned on taking Alexis home and locking the door and not answering it or the phone for a few days or maybe even taking off and heading out to the Easthampton house.

He figured the press would be all over the loft building and his family needed time to reconnect and relax. It would give Kate Beckett the time she said she needed to 'come to grips' with the situation between them.

Castle slid between groups of agents and officers and climbed into the ambulance and sat next to the gurney Alexis was strapped to. She was on oxygen and the EMTs had started an IV of something.

"What's wrong with her? Why is she on oxygen?" He grabbed one of the EMTs who knew him by sight from crime scenes.

"Mr. Castle, she's been injected with a powerful sedative and we're just being cautious and making sure she has enough oxygen. The IV is just something to balance her electrolytes. Until we get to the hospital and can draw blood for analysis, this is all we can do. You're welcome to ride along with us."

Meanwhile, Beckett, Shaw and Captain Montgomery were talking about the 'incident' and what was going to happen next. Kate kept looking over her shoulder to make sure Castle was still in sight, wishing she was with him instead of out here.

"Beckett, we need to know what happened in that basement. We heard – Is Castle mentally stable? He told that woman he'd married her sister and then he snapped her neck like it was a twig! He's been under a great deal of stress and – "

"Oh, no, you two can't be serious. He told me – he told me he used what he had to take her out. That was the plan from the beginning. The woman was a serial killer and you're questioning _his_ sanity?"

"Detective, we need to understand the situation from his viewpoint. As soon as his daughter is in the hospital, we need to interview him and take his statement. It's procedure. Agent Shaw will accompany you to the hospital and bring him back to the precinct to take his statement. I want you with him the entire time. I want your assessment of his state of mind."

"Listen to yourself, Roy. You want to lock him up in case he's a 'danger to society', right? He does _our_ dirty work in New Jersey and then his family is targeted for revenge and you're questioning his _state __of __mind_?"

"Beckett, it's procedure. It was clearly self defense but there are concerns that his actions were – excessive. His circuit was tapped and the entire thing was live on TV. We're doing damage control."

"You mean 'covering your asses', don't you, Captain? And you, Shaw. First, you begged him to help take out Jefferson. And then you let him walk into that basement tonight knowing he might be killed but hoping he'd do exactly what he did and clean up your little mess, and you damned well know it!"

"You have your orders, Detective."

The ambulance with Alexis and Rick drove slowly through the crowd and then took a right turn heading to the hospital. Kate remembered that she had Rick's car and told Agent Shaw 'move it or I'll leave you behind' and got in the Ferrari and drove to the hospital.

* * *

><p>Mercy West ER<p>

Castle stayed with Alexis while a nurse took blood samples for analysis and changed Alexis into a hospital gown. "Mr. Castle, we'll keep her overnight just to be safe. You can stay with her every minute. We – we heard the whole thing on TV. You saved your daughter and you should be very proud of what you did."

Rick took out his cell phone and called Paula and told her that he was probably going to be arrested and could she please have an attorney waiting for him at the precinct?

Next he called his mother and told her Alexis was fine and that she needed to get one of the cops to drive her over to Mercy West so she could sit with Alexis and have her eyes checked out. He didn't tell her that he was probably going to be spending the night in jail. She had enough on her mind without worrying about him.

Kate parked the Ferrari and almost ran to the ER entrance. She wanted to warn Rick about the 'interview' so he could make plans. She also wanted to tell him that she planned on taking some time off from the precinct, maybe the rest of her life, so they could spend the holidays together and reconnect. She finally had her priorities straight in her own mind.

Kate stopped at the desk and flashed her badge asking for 'Alexis Castle, the kidnapping victim' figuring that the grapevine would spread the word that the victim and her father were in the hospital. A little press coverage might make the FBI back off a little.

When she got to the room where Alexis was being treated, she told Shaw to 'wait here until I call you' and walked in, closing the door behind her.

"Rick, we need to talk and I don't know how much time we have. First off, Shaw is here to take you back to the precinct to take a statement. It's more than that. They're covering their asses because of press coverage. I'll delay as much as possible but I can't promise you a miracle."

"S'okay. I called Paula and an attorney is waiting at the precinct. Figure they want to determine my mental state, right? It's okay, Kate. I understand."

"There's more. I want what you want and I want it now. I was wrong not to understand your feelings. I don't want to lose you, Rick, and I'm afraid that's what will happen if I don't make a commitment."

She was holding both his hands in hers and he used them to pull her down and onto his lap. He buried his face in her neck and she felt the moist tears on her skin and she hugged him tightly to her. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

Kate heard a commotion in the hallway and Castle laughed into her neck. "Mother has made her appearance. I called and asked her to stay with Alexis and have her eyes checked out. I didn't want to leave her alone."

Kate used the sleeve of her blouse to wipe away his tears and kissed him lightly. "I think we should probably get the statement out of the way. If your attorney isn't there, tell Montgomery that you won't talk without an attorney present. I think Shaw screwed something up and she's looking for anything to take the heat off her."

"Things might get ugly, Kate. Stay out of the line of fire, okay? You have to work with him and your career is important to you."

She held his face and forced eye contact. "Listen, you old fool, it's not a choice for me. You on one hand, career on the other – guess who wins?" She grinned and melted into him for a quick fix of Castle and then got to her feet and pulled him after her.

"Let's go tear these idiots a new one, Rick."

* * *

><p>While he felt warmed by her words, he knew that without her career, her entire definition of 'Kate Beckett' would be destroyed. Her profession defined her. Without 'Detective' preceding her name, she was nothing, just another scarred woman with horrifying ghosts in her closet.<p>

She needed be a cop just like he needed to be a writer and despite her declaration, he would never let her quit what she loved and what made her his 'Kate' even if it meant losing her. The thought of getting 'The Call' someday haunted his thoughts more than his abandonment issues.

It was Richard Rogers who could live with the fear of her dying in the line of duty. It was Richard Castle who couldn't and that subtle distinction made it a problem of epic proportions.

Richard Castle was a carefully crafted persona created out of necessity. Richard Rogers never fiddled with things. He could sit perfectly still for hours if necessary. Richard Castle grew bored and fidgety after a few minutes of inactivity. Rogers could go days without speaking. Castle couldn't last 10 minutes without hearing the sound of his own voice, or so it seemed to those around him.

Rogers hid behind Castle. He was tired of hiding who he really was. They both wanted Kate Beckett but only one could really have her and that was the real problem. Which one did Kate love?


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Some of you have expressed your skepticism about Castle's personas. Here's a truism: My family and I were moving from one post to another and I was driving our Buick station wagon far slower than my wife liked. She asked me how I could fly unarmed into a hot LZ and pick up wounded and still drive like an old, really old, lady. It was simple: Flying was my job and I had confidence and excellent skills and I almost always completed my pickups. Driving across the country with my family was different. I was different. I was a husband and father and driving with them in the car was unnerving because if something happened, it happened to _them,_ not just me.

Anyhow, enjoy my tale. Sorry for the length but sitting in waiting rooms makes me write...lol

* * *

><p><span>She<span>LearnedtheTruthat17 By Oldest Man

Chapter 12

Kate and Rick walked out of Alexis' room into the hall where Martha was glaring at Agent Shaw. Esposito was trying to disappear into the wallpaper and Kate would have laughed at the look of terror on his face except for the circumstances.

"Kate! Richard! Oh, thank God you two are all right." She pulled them into a hug and starting crying with relief.

"Mother, Kate and I have to go down to the station to fill out some papers and give a statement about tonight. Alexis is still sleeping off the drugs and they're going to be keeping her overnight just to be safe. After – I say again – after you get your eyes attended to, I'd like you to stay with her until we get back, okay?"

"Don't worry about my eyes, just go do what has to be done. That darling detective, Javier, filled me in on things. I'm sorry for what you had to do but not sorry that you did it. I know you'll be tearing yourself up about it but you saved Alexis and that outweighs any moral considerations."

'Mother, I – " She cut him off and then took both Kate's hands in hers.

"Kate, don't let him crawl back down into the rabbit hole. Keep him close and watch him. I've said it to you before and I'll say it again, my son is not the pillar of strength he thinks he is."

Rick rolled his eyes just like Beckett often did and walked over to Javier and punched him in the arm lightly.

"I won't, Martha, I promise. We have to go. Esposito will drive Shaw down to the station and Rick and I will take his car. We'll be back as soon as we can. If Alexis wakes up, be sure and tell her we're both all right and we'll see her soon."

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<br>Interview room #3

"Let's go over this one more time, just to be clear on certain details." Shaw had been argumentative and combative and Kate had almost bitten her tongue through when she asked Rick 'What exactly were you thinking when you told Ludmilla Jefferson that you married her sister, Mr. Castle?'

"Agent Shaw, my client has already answered that question when you asked a slightly different version 90 minutes ago. I think you have everything you need to close out your file. Unless you're going to charge my client with some offense that will sufficiently distract the press from you mishandling of all of this, I believe my client has fulfilled all obligations."

Shaw reddened but doggedly pursued her line of questioning. She had to. They'd known about Ludmilla Jefferson and hadn't warned Castle or informed the local cops and that was a major failing for a Violent Crimes Taskforce SAIC – unless you were going to use Castle as bait to flush out Dalton Jefferson's partner.

"Answer the question, Mr. Castle." She glared at Castle's attorney who'd been waiting for them when they arrived.

"I'll answer your question if you'll answer one or two of mine. How could the FBI be so incompetent not to have thoroughly investigated Dalton's background and movements _after_ what happened in New Jersey? And if you did, why weren't the local authorities advised so that they could protect my family? And why was the case closed? That's what you announced in your press conference, right?"

Shaw glared at the lawyer and then muttered through clenched teeth, "We're done here, Castle. Thank you for your – your cooperation." Kate almost laughed. She thought she heard the 'crack' of one of Shaw's molars as it broke under the strain.

Outside of the interview room, Castle thanked the lawyer for his time and then he and Kate followed, but not quickly enough.

"Mr. Castle, a word, please?" Beckett squeezed his hand and waited with him until Roy Montgomery caught up with them.

"I had no idea that the FBI knew about Jefferson having a partner and no idea at all that it was his wife. You're right, she screwed up by not telling us so we could assign a protective detail or you could make personal arrangements. I'm sorry, Richard. I had no idea."

"No problem. I have to get back to the hospital."

"Beckett, you are on vacation until January 5 per a new personnel directive that's come out. The Department is concerned about 'accrued leave' and now requires that you take all time over 60 paid days, so enjoy the next 18 days off." He spun on his heel and walked back into the interview room and slammed the door.

The couple walked away from the Captain and got on the elevator. Kate had a feeling that Agent Shaw's ass was about to be chewed out royally by one Captain Roy Montgomery. She giggled and Castle looked at her with a question in his eyes.

"Roy's going to peel the skin off a certain redheaded FBI agent."

"Right now, Kate, all I want to do is take Alexis home and then peel off all your clothes and just hold you close to me. I'm so tired, Kate. Christmas is just around the corner and I'd like you and your dad to spend some time at the loft or we could go out to Easthampton and have Christmas there. It would be easier on your dad."

"Um, Rick, we don't really celebrate Christmas anymore, not since my mom died. We have dinner together and watch a movie or a football game but we even quit exchanging gifts."

"Then, Kate, if you were serious about a commitment, you're going to have to get used to Castle Celebrations. Any excuse for a party. Any excuse to celebrate the joys in life. Please, Kate? Talk to your dad. If things move along with us, he's going to have to accept some changes in his life."

"If?" She was smiling up at him, daring him to answer.

"When, I meant 'when'." She kissed him lightly and smiled. "Good answer, Rick."

Kate's cell started to ring and she saw it was her dad. She showed the display to Castle who just smiled.

"Hey, Dad, I was going to call – "

"They're fine. I'm with him now and we're heading over to the hospital to be with Alexis."

She talked to her father for a few more seconds and then handed her phone to Rick. "He wants to talk to you. Be nice. He saw everything on TV and he's worried about you."

"Hey, Jim."

He listened for a few minutes and then nodded but realized Beckett's dad couldn't see his gesture.

"Yeah, I know and I appreciate that. We'll see you this weekend then. Plan on coming down Friday night and staying through Sunday if that's okay?"

"Good." He disconnected the call and handed Kate back her cell phone.

"Want to share what's got you smiling like you just won the Lotto?"

"Just 'father' stuff. He's coming down this weekend and we're going to go shopping together. Apparently your dad thinks it's time to get back into the Christmas spirit. He's taking us to dinner Friday night."

* * *

><p>Mercy West Hospital<p>

Kate parked the Ferrari in the lot and engaged the anti-theft device and quickly caught up to Castle who was hastily walking towards the entrance.

When they were side by side, he put his arm around her waist and slowed down. He'd been thinking a lot on the drive over and he'd made a decision. He'd talk to Jim Beckett and get his blessing but he wanted to give Kate a ring for Christmas, nothing gaudy, just a simple diamond in a simple setting, something heartfelt though.

"I can hear the wheels turning in that head of yours. What are you plotting now?"

"Would – I mean – will you stay with us at the loft during your vacation? If it wouldn't be too soon or too – "

"Yes. I'd like that. Is that all you were planning? I know you Richard Rogers-Castle."

"Rogers-Castle?" They'd almost reached the entrance and they'd slowed down even more until the couple was just strolling.

"It seems appropriate somehow. Actually, I think I prefer 'Writer Boy'."

"Writer _Man_, Beckett, or have you forgotten…" He leaned over and whispered something in her ear and she blushed and almost whispered, "Oh, no. I haven't forgotten."

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<p>

Kate and Alexis were plotting and conniving against their favorite writer. Kate had been spending a lot of time with Alexis after she was discharged from the hospital. She tried to talk about what had happened and Kate was worried that Alexis was carrying around what the shrinks referred to as 'unresolved issues'. She used their 'alone time' to ask the occasional question about what she remembered.

They were sitting on the bed in Alexis' room because it was the one room Castle avoided. He respected his daughter's privacy and would never dream of entering without knocking or eavesdropping.

"What do you buy the man who has every toy under the sun, Alexis? I want this Christmas to be special for all of us. It's been a long time since my dad and I celebrated."

"Kate, buying anything really expensive for my dad is a no-no. I think you can't go wrong with an antique book written by Poe or Hawthorne. They're his favorite authors and he'd be really pis – I mean upset if you spent a fortune on something he'd never use."

"I was toying with buying him a pistol that he could keep at a shooting club and practice with. What do you think?"

"Kate, my dad absolutely hates guns. Well, pistols. He never gets into specifics but he told me once that he'd never fire or own a pistol, ever. Some bad juju from the Army."

"Bad juju?" She'd never heard the term but it sounded mysteriously evil and she was intrigued.

"Oh, Kate, my dad is superstitious 'in extremis'. He picked up some weird phobias while researching a Storm novel set in New Orleans and whatever he learned freaked him out so bad that he trashed it. 'Juju' is some kind of evil spirit or bad luck."

"How much has he told you about what he did in the Army, Lexie? He doesn't share a lot of personal stuff with me yet."

"He told me about some stuff but mostly he just tells me funny stuff like a sniper who climbed up in a tree in the jungle and fell asleep and then shot his toe off when a monkey grabbed his foot and shook him awake."

They shared a laugh and then she asked, "How much do you remember about that night, Lex?"

The teen paled but then looked her in the eye and said, firmly, "I do not want to ever talk about that night, not ever. I want to forget everything about that night. It's enough that I dream about it. I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

Kate took her hands in hers and squeezed them. She was surprised when Alexis squeezed them back almost as hard.

"Alexis Castle, talking about it might help with the nightmares. I talked with your dad after he had a few and it seemed to help. Talk to me, Lexie, or we can get someone neutral you can talk with."

"Kate, do you think my dad has a soul? That woman said that he didn't, that he was an evil soulless man and he'd never find happiness because he didn't have a soul."

Kate was shocked and instinctively pulled Alexis into a tight embrace, whispering to her that he father had a 'beautiful soul' and that she would do whatever it took to make him happy. She felt Alexis nod into her shoulder and then the tears started and seemed to go on forever.

'_We need to get her some help! That horrible woman. The things she said about Rick were horrible lies. He does have a beautiful soul.'_

She'd fallen asleep on Kate's lap and Kate had eased her head onto her pillow and covered Alexis with a comforter and slipped out of the room, not wanting to wake her.

* * *

><p>Castle was in the kitchen puttering around. Kate walked up behind him and put her arms around his stomach and hugged him. She needed to talk and this seemed to be the perfect opportunity. Martha was 'out and about' and they had the loft to themselves.<p>

"Rick, y'know those dreams you have, the ones we talk about when you wake up all sweaty and – "

"Kate, they're getting easier to handle. I think you worry about me too much. Talking helped. They're not as horrible. Alexis doesn't die and you don't die and they don't even wake me up anymore."

"Alexis remembers more than she told us. She told me some things – I think she needs to talk with a counselor or a therapist. That woman said some ugly things and she only told me a little bit but it drove her to tears. She's sleeping now. What do you think?"

"After the holidays. Maybe I should go with her. I'm not exactly a 'pillar of strength'. How did you get her to open up some easily when all she tells me is that she doesn't remember?"

"Girls talk, Castle. Okay, after the holidays. But she won't talk if you're there. Trust me, honey, you don't want to hear what she says and she'll never open up because she doesn't want you to be hurt."

She felt him stiffen and try to move away but she just tightened her hug.

"Does she blame me for what happened? Is that why – "

"No, no, no. She doesn't blame you. She thinks you're perfect. That woman said horrible things to her and she needed to unload and I think what she said was just the tip of the iceberg. In her own way she's protecting you, that's all."

"I need to go up and talk with her. She's only 15 and so much has – "

"No, Rick. Let her sleep. We can all talk about this later but I think 'you' should be the one who says you need help. It'll make things easier."

* * *

><p>Early the next morning Kate and Alexis disappeared for the day leaving Rick to mull over what they'd talked about. He opened his laptop and pulled up an email account that he hadn't used in a while and reread the emails from his oldest friend.<p>

He emailed her a request for a meeting later that day, at their old meeting place and sent it. He waited for a few minutes and then closed out the web browser and pulled up his latest Nikki Heat work in progress and read over what he'd written.

He took a break a little after 10. Nikki Heat and Rook were dancing around the issues involved in being 'friends with benefits'. Rook wanted more and Nikki just wanted what they had.

He opened his web browser and pulled up his old email account. She'd answered just a few minutes after he'd sent it.

_'Rick, I can't. We agreed that parting was best for both of us. We never would have worked. I'm sorry, love, but I just can't. ~ Meg_

He thought about it and about her. They'd met when he was visiting a VA clinic for 'research'. He'd sat in on a couple of group therapy sessions and soon found himself enrolled and spending time, as the therapist worded it so delicately, 'getting your head out of your ass'.

Megan Sloan had been his group's lead therapist and they'd often talk after sessions and that led to coffee and then to a stormy relationship that lasted almost a year. There was no amicable 'parting'. She broke it off and tore his heart out.

Saying it was unprofessional of her to be involved with a patient was a cop out. She had used him as the subject for a monograph she published. When she finished her 'experiment, she moved out. Alexis had been devastated. Megan and Lexie had bonded almost immediately and it had been a blessing. And then she'd left him just like the others.

She must have been sitting at her computer because he got a response within 5 minutes.

_'Rick, I can't. I can't face her and it wouldn't be professional. I saw you on the news. You and that woman looked so happy together. I'll email you a list of therapists but I can't see either of you. – Meg_

_'Don't bother. I wanted to explain her behavior and hope you'd at least think about options but I guess your pride is more important that my daughter. Thank God I've found a woman who loves me despite who I am and not what I can do for her damned career. I'm proposing Christmas Eve and I hope she'll say 'yes'. Never mind. I'll find someone for a referral. Sorry to have bothered you. - Rick_

_'Rick, I'll meet you at the old place at 2pm today. We'll talk more in detail about her then. I'm still not sure it's good for Alexis and I to meet. If I feel she's in need, I'll recommend a colleague – Meg_

Rick showered and changed and left for his 2pm meeting. He planned on stopping by Tiffany's or Cartier's and look for a suitable ring for Kate and then meet Megan at the Refinery.

* * *

><p>1:45<p>

Tiffany's had been a bust. Nothing caught his eye but he did buy Kate a pair of diamond pendant earrings. He'd noticed (while nibbling, actually) that she wore two studs in her left ear. These would be perfect for a dressier event.

At Cartier's he found what he wanted and left with a few minutes to spare. He hailed a cab and was only 3 minutes late for his meeting with Megan.

* * *

><p>Refinery<p>

This had been 'their' place and was only a block from the VA outpatient clinic. He wondered if she still worked there? He walked in and it was like rolling back his life 10 years. She was sitting at the same table they'd always sat at and from the looks of things, she still preferred her coffee 'Irish'.

He walked over and said. "Hey, sorry I'm late. Have you been waiting long?" He knew she hadn't but it never hurt to be polite.

"No. Just a few minutes. You look good, Rick. I saw you and that police detective on television. It looks serious between you two. Is it?" She stared at him in that disconcerting way she had of sneaking behind his eyes and 'seeing' his true thoughts.

"Yeah. It is. I'm proposing on Christmas Eve. Now, can we talk about Alexis?" He wanted this over and done with. He needed her help for a reference for Alexis, not a trip down memory lane.

"Okay, I suppose that's best. I got married four years ago to a therapist at Bellvue we met at that party." She didn't tell him that they were separated and filing for divorce after the New Year.

"Good. Now let me tell you what I know." He summarized events, going back a few years to cover the divorce from Gina and her last operation and ending with that night when she was kidnapped.

"I can't see her, Rick. We were too close and leaving her like I did…it isn't recommended. I have a good friend who's been around the block and has a juvenile practice. I'll give you her name."

His business completed, Castle stood and leaned over and kissed Meg on the cheek and thanked her. They had been more than friends and although he had hated her once for how she'd ended it, he now felt nothing at all for her. Meg told him she'd call ahead and let her friend know he was going to be calling and why.

They walked out of the Refinery together and Rick flagged down a cab and just as he was helping her in, she turned and kissed him and then got in the cab.

* * *

><p>Kate liked watching people and while Alexis made up stories about some of the stranger ones they spotted, neither was expecting to see Castle kissing a woman and putting her into a cab.<p>

"Kate, I'm sure Dad has an excellent explanation." He voice trailed off. She knew the woman and knew her father's history with her.

"I'm sure he does, Lexie. When we get home, please give us some time to straighten this out." Mentally, she was packing her bags, going through the rooms and making sure she didn't forget anything.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Rick got off the elevator feeling better than he had in a long time. He had two gifts in his pocket for the woman he loved and he'd just confronted a woman from his past and hadn't even felt a flicker of interest.

_'Kate would never use me like Megan did. She would never walk out after getting what she wanted. She said she was in it for the long haul and I believe her.'_

He opened the loft door and dropped his keys on the occasional table and saw Kate and Alexis sitting at the breakfast island. Neither looked too happy to see him.

Kate stared at him and he was reminded of 'Alley Kate' for an instant and when she walked into his study and slammed the door he looked over at Alexis for some clue about what he'd done to make her mad.

"Dad, we were in a cab stopped in traffic and Kate – we both saw you with Meg Sloan – and you kissed her! How could you do that? Have you been seeing her all this time? She walked out on us, Daddy!" Alexis had never looked at him like that before. There was contempt in her eyes.

He didn't want to tell her about a therapist before he could discuss it with Kate but he had no choice.

"I asked her for a referral for a therapist for you. You're not sleeping and you're not eating. Kate and I are worried and we discussed maybe getting someone you could talk with – not a shrink – just someone who could relate and help you. I emailed Meg because she knows you and well, because I trust her judgment for a referral."

"You kissed her!" Alexis was almost in tears. She didn't want to talk about it and certainly not to a total stranger.

"She kissed me. She's married. I'm not interested. And it's none of your business. I suppose she," jerking his thumb in the direction of his study, 'jumped to the same conclusion, right?"

She looked at the floor, the ceiling, anyplace but at her father.

"Come with me, young lady." He took her by the upper arm and walked to the study door, shoved it open and pointed to the loveseat along one wall. He was reverting to type. When attacked, charge the ambush with guns blazing.

"Sit!" She sat down, eyes wide open and she stared at Kate who was angry but surprised. "That was not a request, Ms. Beckett. Sit next to the witness for the prosecution while the defense prepares an exhibit."

"Castle, this doesn't concern Lexie. This is between you and me. Alexis, sweetie, go up – "

"I'm her father. You're her friend. I give the orders here. Now, Exhibit #1." Kate's lips compressed in anger but she sat next to Alexis. He was her father. She was nothing.

He opened his laptop and a web browser and email program and pulled up the emails in sequence. He carried the laptop to Alexis and almost shouted, "Read it out loud, Alexis, so everyone can hear the preparations made for an illicit rendezvous between the accused and his former lover."

Alexis read the email out loud, her voice breaking once and she looked up at her father who was staring out the window. "The witness will please continue reading." He spoke gently, as if prodding a student to continue. He was angry but wanted to get this over and done with.

When Alexis got to the part about Rick's planned proposal, Kate closed her eyes but it didn't stop the tears.

When Alexis finished reading, it was quiet. Rick was still staring out the window of the loft wondering how his perfect life had ended up in the shitter.

When he spoke, he didn't turn around, just kept looking down at the city.

"We met at the Refinery for coffee. I laid out Alexis' behavior and she gave me a referral. She's married and I suppose happy, I don't know, I don't care one way or the other. I helped her into a cab but before I could, she kissed me. I turned my head and stepped back. Then I came home – to this!" His voice carried anger, heartache and bitterness.

* * *

><p>He walked out of his study and upstairs. He stripped and put on his workout clothes and went down to the gym. He had a great deal of anger to work off before he could sit down and discuss this cluster fuck with Kate. Almost as an afterthought, he threw the two small jewelers cases on the bed and walked out.<p>

The two people left in the loft were each lost in thought. Alexis had never seen her father so – rigid and controlled. Kate had seen behind the control to the hurt he'd been trying to hide.

"Well, that could have gone better, Lex."

"Yeah. I've never seen him this mad except when he talks to Meredith."

"I'm going to go up and pack, Alexis. This whole thing – "

"Oh, yeah, run away. I thought you had made a commitment? You're no different than the others. Times get tough, you move on. Is that something that happens when women reach a certain age? Meg walked out on us, too. Doesn't anyone love my dad and me enough to hang around? What's wrong with us?"

"Lex, when you're older, you'll understand. I've hurt him badly so many times. This whole relationship thing is new to me and when I saw him kissing that woman – "

"She kissed him. He told me he wasn't interested. We both jumped to conclusions and now we're screwed."

"He'll forgive you. Just give him time, sweetie."

"You could always just do the adult thing, Kate. Go find him and apologize or go pack and leave."

A/N: Sorry for the length and delay.


	13. Chapter 13

Pls read XavierWheels' Waiting for the End. Truly good.

* * *

><p><span>She <span>Learned the Truth at 17 By Oldest Man

_"Lex, when you're older, you'll understand. I've hurt him badly so many times. This whole relationship thing is new to me and when I saw him kissing that woman – "_

_"She kissed him. He told me he wasn't interested. We both jumped to conclusions and now we're screwed."_

_"He'll forgive you. Just give him time, sweetie."_

_You could always just do the adult thing, Kate. Go find him and apologize or go pack and leave."_

* * *

><p>Chapter 13<p>

"Will you be all right alone for a while? We can talk if you think it will help, Alexis." Kate was looking for any excuse not to leave the crime scene she'd created.

"I'll be fine. I learned a lesson today although I think I've always known it and I just ignored it."

"What's that?"

"My Dad's love is unconditional. A woman's love is full of conditions, catches, and is situational."

Kate held back the tears that Alexis' comment brought forth. Was it true? Was her 'love' conditional? Did love depend on the situation?

"I'm going to wash my face. I feel dirty. I'll be a few minutes." Kate got to her feet and saw a business card on the desk beside Defense Exhibit #1, the laptop. She picked the card up and turned it over. There was a name and telephone number written on the back of the card: 'Dr. Cynthia Forrestal, MD, PhD' and a phone number.

She carefully placed the card back where it had lain and straightened it up in relation to the laptop. It was something she did at her own desk and she always did it to buy time.

* * *

><p>Kate walked up the steps and into their bedroom. Castle's clothes were thrown everywhere as if he couldn't wait to get them off. She picked up the suit jacket and put it on a hangar and put it in his closet. She carefully folded the pants and hung them up. She picked up his shirt and buried her face in it, inhaling his scent.<p>

She noticed the two small jewelers' boxes, one blue velvet and the other white. She picked up the blue one and opened it. Inside were two unmatched diamond pendant earrings. Kate realized that they _were_ matched but that one was smaller than the other. He knew she couldn't wear earrings on her right ear and so he figured she could wear both in her left eat. He remembered everything about her, even the littlest things.

Kate closed the box and set it back on the comforter exactly where it had been and nervously picked up the white one and opened it. It was a beautiful diamond engagement ring set in white platinum and she couldn't resist trying it on just one time. Of course it was a perfect fit. Somehow he'd either guessed or knew her ring size.

_'It's perfect. Not too gaudy, not too ostentatious, beautifully cut and set and the platinum is perfect for my skin tone. It's perfect.'_

Perfect. Without flaws. It described his approach to her, in a strange way.

She closed her eyes and imagined a future without this incredibly caring and aggravating man but she couldn't. Not now. Not ever.

Kate started to slip the ring off but stopped.

Why not? Why couldn't she have the future she wanted with the man whom she wanted and seemed totally dedicated to wanting her? It was stupid to let her fear of rejection stand in her way. It was stupid to be jealous of a woman who threw him and his little girl away for a career. He was so honest about his feelings and she'd dumped on him just like all the rest.

She took a deep breath and looked at the ring again, imagining another one nestled against it. Yeah, why not?

* * *

><p>Kate bounced down the stairs, walked proudly back into the study where Alexis still sat and announced in a strong voice, "I love your father and I love you. I want what I want when I want it. That's another truism you should put in your little book of truths. I want him, no matter how badly I screwed this up and I'm going to have him!"<p>

"The gym's in the basement. Turn left off the elevator. He'll be in the far corner beating the stuffing out of the heavy bag. Don't sneak up on him or you'll regret it. When he's down there, he's really somewhere else, someplace dark and scary. Don't startle him."

Alexis wondered which of her friends she could con into letting her spend the night. The walls weren't all that soundproof and she figured they'd want some privacy this evening.

She took out her cell and started calling her contacts.

* * *

><p>The Gym<p>

The heavy bag was his mortal enemy. All his frustrations, thwarted desires, an entire lifetime of rejections from publishers and people, all were inside the canvas and leather monolith that swung mockingly from its ceiling chain tether. Today he'd added another one to the bag. They welcomed her with open arms and knowing smiles. They felt safe mocking him from their fortress.

Umph! Another right to the short ribs. Ooof! A spinning back fist wipes the smirk from it's EVERLAST face but still it mocked him and so he unleashed another barrage of punishing punches and kicks and still the damned thing refused to go down.

He bounced back but his feet weren't positioned correctly and so his next punch wasn't effective at all. Castle danced around the heavy bag peppering it with jabs and body blows but his opponent refused to falter, remained upright and still mockingly swayed as if saying 'Is that all ya got, Ricky?'

"Fuck you!" It was his war cry and he unconsciously launched into a pre-programmed routine he called 'Castle's Kata', a series of moves, counters and kicks that ended up with a muscle-burning flurry of punches to the ribcage. It was cleansing and he often lost himself in the mindless routine of punches, kicks, an occasional forearm across the face, and finally the grand finale, a series of punches to his opponent's ribs that invariably brought them to their knees.

But not this time.

He wrapped his arms around the heavy bag and slipped to his knees in defeat, all vestiges of hate, love and fear purged from him, if only for a little while. His breath came in gulping sobs and he was robbed of even this little bit of '_not-ness_' by a quiet voice breaking through the haze.

"Castle, I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>She slipped quietly into the gym and found him exactly where his daughter said he'd be, in the far corner, punishing a heavy bag with punches and kicks. She winced in sympathy for the bag when he smashed a fist into imaginary ribs with such force that it pushed the breath from him.<p>

A spinning back fist cratered the imaginary face of his opponent and she knew from experience that any human sparring partner would be lying unconscious on the mats.

Kate watched as Rick circled his opponent and then flinched when he screamed 'Fuck you!' and launched into a punishing ballet of elbow smashes, kicks and punches that seemed to flow effortlessly one into the other.

It ended when Castle wrapped his arms around the bag and sank to his knees, gulping deep breaths and using his grip on the bag to remain upright.

She crossed the 20 feet of polished wood flooring and stood behind him and almost whispered, "Castle, I'm sorry."

* * *

><p>Rick had a flash of an image of himself hugging the bag on his knees and it sickened him. He struggleed to stand and shook off her attempt to help him. The last thing he needed was false concern.<p>

"What are you doing here?" The gifted and talented best selling author is ever so creatively articulate and that really pissed him off.

"Alexis told me where you were and – okay, this is hard for me. I'm not used to – "

"You've apologized, Kate. I accept your apology. There's nothing more to say."

"Hold it right there, Castle! This is my apology and I'll decide when it's said and done, not you. Jesus, you are so stubborn sometimes." She stopped and thought about what she'd just said and said softly, "Okay, I'm stubborn, too. Look, I can't talk to the back of your head. I need to see your face, your eyes, so turn around."

When he turned she could see the unshed tears in his eyes and knew it was both frustration with her and the situation in general that put them there.

"I went up to our," she hesitated on the word, praying it wouldn't change, "room to pack and leave but I saw the mess you'd left and I hung up your suit and put the shirt in the hamper and then I saw those two little jeweler's boxes and…"

His eyes narrowed and his lips compressed into a bloodless line across his face and for a moment she was afraid, but only for a moment. He looked away and removed the 5 ounce boxing gloves he wore.

"…and I opened the earrings and figured out immediately that you'd remembered my two studs and that I couldn't wear one in what's left of my right. They're beautiful and they're perfect."

"Take them when you leave, Kate. I don't look good in diamonds." It wasn't humor, just a statement of fact. Her face paled a little but she drove on in the face of his intransigence.

"And then I opened up the other one. It's a perfect fit and I realized that I couldn't imagine a life from that very second on unless you were in it with me. I made some dumb moves, Castle, and I'm really sorry. I just – this whole relationship thing is new to me. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid that any moment you'll wake up and realize that I'm as scarred inside as out and that you'll leave – "

She never got to finish her sentence. Soft lips covered hers and anything she might have thought to say was lost as a wave of love and passion swept over her like a crowning forest fire.

"I'll never leave you, Kate Beckett, you dumb ass. Even if you somehow manage to drive me off, I'll just lick my wounds and plot. I'll find a way to slip back in, slither past your defenses and always be by your side. Scars? I have them, too. Yours accentuate the beauty both within and without. Don't ever say such a thing again or I'll make you very sorry."

"Is that a threat, Castle?" She had a small smile on here face and a glint in her eye.

He held up her left hand so she could see the ring and growled, "It's like this ring. A promise. I'm your elder, Beckett, and like I warned Alexis just the other night, 'you're not too old to spank, little girl'."

"You wouldn't _dare!_" She rolled her eyes and smirked at him. She liked it when they teased each other. He, unfortunately for her, wasn't teasing one bit.

Kate shrieked when he threw her over his shoulder and walked out of the gym. Every few steps his palm connected with her buttocks and soon they were warm and tingly. He hadn't really hurt her but she got the message that there were some things he wouldn't tolerate and her comment about 'being scarred inside and out' was one of them.

"Okay, Rick, I'm sorry. Please put me down. I'll be good, I promise."

"Oh, you'll be good, I can guarantee that. I have an old fraternity paddle upstairs someplace and…"

Her shrieks and laughter in the elevator were mostly ignored by the other residents. The building residents had a strict 'live and let live' policy. It worked for them.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: This will have to do you until Tuesday. Amanda's in from Rice and she and I have a lot to catch up on. US – happy T-day. The rest of you, peace.

Okay, this is fluffy and historical but sets the characters' backgrounds in order to deliver the coup de grace to fluff in the next couple chapters. Got several done but am waiting for them to age properly.

OM

* * *

><p>Some people bear three kinds of trouble - the ones they've had, the ones they have, and the ones they expect to have.<br>**H.****G.****Wells**

_Kate shrieked when he threw her over his shoulder and walked out of the gym. Every few steps his palm connected with her buttocks and soon they were warm and tingly. _

"_Okay, Rick, I'm sorry. Please put me down. I'll be good, I promise."_

"_Oh, you'll be good, I can guarantee that. I have an old fraternity paddle upstairs someplace and…"_

* * *

><p>Chapter14<p>

He didn't use the fraternity paddle. There was no need. He'd carried her up to their room, ignoring Alexis' embarrassed laughter, and, as the saying goes, 'had his way with her'.

Afterwards, in the comfort of sexual afterglow, he'd apologized for hurting her, promising never, ever, to lay a hand on her in anger. He'd been so loving and gentle with her when they'd made love that she felt he'd been apologizing even while driving her to new heights of pleasure. It was only after she'd orgasmed twice that she flipped him over and had _her _way with him.

When he finally slept after showering, she lay in his arms watching the light from the bathroom sparkle off her engagement ring.

She was as happy as she'd ever been in her entire life. She only wished that her mom could have met the man she was going to marry someday. She wondered if 'someday' would ever come for her. Kate looked over at him and put her hands on both sides of his face and pulled him into a kiss designed to wake him. She needed another booster shot of Castle love.

"Kate…what's wrong, baby? Talk to me, Kate."

She shook her head and kissed him hungrily. She couldn't talk to him, not about this. She couldn't let him see the tears that she was shedding for both of them. She was terribly afraid that 'someday' would never come.

He pushed himself away from her and he saw the tear tracks glistening in the faint light.

"Oh, Kate, tell me what's wrong. I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong."

She buried her face in his shoulder and cried, unable to form words and unable to say what she wanted to say. She loved him so much and she didn't know if what they had would be enough for him.

She finally fell asleep but Rick lay there holding her, watching her sleep, measuring each breath and memorizing the complex planes and contours of her face. He loved her so much but he was afraid that what they had wouldn't be enough for her.

He was still awake when she awoke, stretched and then kissed him 'good morning'. She could see that he hadn't slept and the guilt welled up in her and she couldn't handle it and the sight of his bloodshot eyes looking at her with such wonder. Kate got up and mumbled that 'she'd make coffee' and went to the bathroom and then grabbed her robe and walked down into the kitchen.

While the coffee brewed, she scrambled some eggs, popped a few strips of 'special bacon' into the microwave and toasted a bagel that they'd share.

Finally, when everything was done, she placed their coffee cups, plates and jam on a tray and carried it up to their room. She used her hip to bump the door open and she was surprised to see him almost dressed.

"Hey, buster, back in bed with you, now! I've slaved over a hot stove and you will eat breakfast in bed with me, so lose the clothes, Castle." She kicked the bedroom door shut with a foot and watched, wide-eyed, when he stared into her eyes and ever so slowly peeled off his t-shirt, unbuckled his jeans and eased them down off his hips and then 'dropped his drawers' into a pile and got back into their bed.

"Oh, to hell with breakfast." She put the tray on the dresser and jumped on him, peppering his face with kisses while he laughed and tried to get her naked.

Microwaves were a wonderful things. They finally dressed and nuked breakfast. It wasn't half bad.

* * *

><p>The Christmas holidays were both carefree and strained. Rick was on his best behavior as were Martha and Alexis but Kate just couldn't seem to relax. Not that she was nervous rather it was because she kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. In her experience, good times didn't last. And she seemed to be waiting for it all to end.<p>

Finally, in fit of frustration, Martha dragged Kate out of the loft for a 'Spa Day' at Riglio's the Wednesday before Christmas. She was going to give Kate a gift certificate for '3 Days of Pampering' and figured it was as good a time as any to do her duty as future mother-in-law and mother of the prospective groom and introduce her to the joys of being pampered. And talk.

She and Jim Beckett had been plotting. He'd told her about her mother's death and the pall it had cast over almost all their holidays. Johanna Beckett had loved all the holidays and so many of their memories had been of her enjoyment and zest for any holiday at all.

Christmas had been the most difficult with Thanksgiving a close second. Johanna and Kate had spent days in the kitchen cooking, baking, laughing and just enjoying life and each other.

All that had ended one night when Jim and Kate had returned from a dinner Johanna had missed to find a police cruiser in the driveway and several detectives who sadly informed them of Johanna's death.

They both agreed that life for Kate would be so much richer and fuller if she could just embrace the memories of her mother instead of keeping them bottled up and under wraps as if they would evaporate if exposed.

Jim worried that she would go into one of her depressed 'funks' and ruin the Castles' Christmas while Martha, no stranger to loss and depression, worried about the strain on a the couples' fledgling relationship.

So they hatched their plot. Jim would bring family photo albums when he came down to spend the holidays at the loft, under the pretext of showing Rick 'naked baby pictures', hoping that sharing her mother with the Castles' would avoid her holiday 'funk'.

Martha would take Kate out and offer 'full disclosure' of her son's history, hoping that Kate would see what damage she might do to the couples' relationship if she let herself fall into depression.

* * *

><p>Riglio's Day Spa<p>

The last thing Kate wanted or needed was to spend a day with Martha in an exercise she found both wasteful and extravagant. She also desperately wanted to avoid any conversation regarding marriage. She loved Rick more than she ever thought possible but she still had one final task to achieve before she could even consider marriage.

She remembered his impassioned defense of her job when her father had asked him about her putting her life on the line – _'__I __can__'__t __think __of __a __nobler __calling __than __what __she __does. __I __know __it__'__s __trite __sounding, __but __she __speaks __for __those __who __can__'__t.__'_

There was one person for whom she had yet to speak for and until that was done, her long term plans were on hold. Rick hadn't pushed for a date. He accepted their engagement as enough for now. They both had commitments to others.

She was so proud of him and accepted his future travel obligations. Rick's first novel, _Heat__Wave,_ was going to be turned into a movie with shooting to begin in the Spring and he had extensive commitments to that project.

That bought her time. The question was, would it be enough?

Martha started in on her the second they were lying on massage tables being pounded and poked and pulled and pushed. When she started speaking softly, Kate had to strain to hear what was being said even though she dreaded hearing the questions she knew Martha wanted to ask.

"Kate, now that you and Richard are engaged, I was wondering if I might bend your ear for a few moments?"

"Sure. Ask away." She anticipated questions. What she heard was totally unexpected.

"My son is far from perfect, as I'm sure you've already figured out. He's stubborn, petulant, and can be incredibly truculent at the most inconvenient times but…he's my son and I love him very much."

Kate waited until the older woman continued. She agreed with her. Rick was stubborn.

"When he came to me the day after he graduated from high school with his enlistment papers, I was furious with him. After my last marriage broke up, I received a tidy settlement in lieu of alimony and I had plans for Richard to attend college but my son had grown up while I was busy with my career and various husbands. He had plans of his own."

There was a pause in conversation while Martha's masseuse pummeled away at a particularly stubborn knot of muscle but then she continued.

"After days of bitter arguments, I finally signed the damned papers. He used logic while I used motherly love, concern and guilt. Oh, yes, guilt. I told him that I needed him for emotional support so soon after my divorce. It took him just minutes to dissect my position and he gave me an ultimatum: sign or he'd leave and get a job somewhere and wait until he was eighteen and didn't need 'Mommy's signature'."

"I didn't see him for nearly three years but he wrote me the most beautiful letters describing what he was doing, all lies to comfort me, and then one day I got a call from him asking me if 'he could come home for a while'. Well, of course I said 'yes' but home was an apartment in Utah where I was shooting a movie but he came anyway."

"He wasn't the boy I'd sent off to the Army. He was a man and he was haunted by dreams and memories that he refused to share with anyone. He cried out in his sleep, spoke softly to someone he loved, and once or twice he screamed out a name and always woke up."

'_Alexaya. He probably screamed out her name just as he had during the battle with the White Serbs. He couldn't tell his mother. He wouldn't share the horror with anyone.'_

"He stayed with me for almost the entire film shoot and then one day walked in and said he'd been accepted at a college and would be leaving in the morning. I was so proud of him and he told me he had a purpose and a new-found talent he intended to exploit and he left the next morning."

"Somehow during all his Army time, he'd enrolled in correspondence courses and entered school as a junior. He worked so hard and got excellent grades and then in his senior year he met Kyra Blaine and they moved in together. His first novel was being edited for publication and he asked Kyra to marry him. They were engaged until she broke it off after his second book was in edit and ran off to England. She told him that she needed time and so she left him."

Kate sat up, clearly interested. He'd been engaged before? Well, of course but she thought Meredith was the first girl…

"He was heartbroken and not even the publication of his second novel to rave reviews seemed of any comfort. He was very depressed - until he met _her_ and God forgive me, Kate, but I was the one who introduced her to him. She had a minor part in a movie I was in and, well, it was 'sex at first sight' and they lived together and she got pregnant and he married her."

"You mean Meredith, right?"

"I can't bring myself to even say her name. The witch! After the accident, things fell apart. She'd been sleeping around – Hollywood is a small town, darling, and one hears things – but I _saw_ her with a producer and I told Richard but he wouldn't believe me. He refused to believe it right up until she filed for divorce and left him and Alexis for the producer."

"The BITCH!" Kate put her hands to her mouth, horribly embarrassed to have lost control. Her mother always told her that 'ladies do not curse in public'.

"You said it. She was and still is. You know she's petitioned the court for joint custody, don't you? It's why Richard's in such a tizzy about going to California. He's afraid she'll find some legal means to take Alexis from him."

"Lexie said that her mother wanted her to 'visit' for the summer but I had no idea it had gotten this far. Poor Rick. He'll be so devastated if he loses Alexis for even a summer."

Martha smiled at Kate's use of a diminutive for Alexis. She had wondered just how close the two had grown and obviously it was a friendship rather than a 'big sis' type of relationship.

"Our lawyers are working on it. But let me continue. After the Bit – after her, he moved to New York and started churning out the books and became comfortable with the role of 'single father'. He put any social life on hold and was always there for her but he felt she was lacking a strong female role model and I was still in California although I'm hardly the role model for any little girl."

"So he married Gina?" She knew that was a natural progression for Martha's tale but she was surprised.

"No. He found Megan Sloan through the VA and soon she moved in with Richard and Alexis. Alexis adored Megan and Megan seemed to feel the same way but it was all a ruse although sometimes I'd see her looking at him the same way I see you do. She loved him, just not enough to stay. When he brought up marriage, she bailed on him, got her paper published and never looked back. The tabloids had a field day with it."

"I'm not going to bail on Rick, Martha. He's my 'one and done'. I'm just not ready to get married right away. This is all new to me and I really want to take the time to get used to it all. I want to have anything that might get between us over and done with before planning a wedding."

"I understand. He'll wait. He can be the most patient man in the world if you'll just be honest with him and don't keep secrets from him. You already know that he can be brutally honest at the least opportune times."

She nodded her head in agreement remembering the many times he'd caught her off guard with his blunt truthfulness.

She knew when Martha talked about Rick being 'patient' that she was speaking about Rick Rogers, not Rick Castle. She smiled and then had an errant thought.

"Martha, when did 'Rogers' become 'Castle'?"

"Well, I think it was, yeah, right after Kyra went to England. He changed publishers and Black Pawn thought 'Richard Rogers' was too common a name so he spent a weekend in a library and came up with 'Richard Edgar Castle' and had it changed. Black Pawn was right. The 'Castle' name boosted sales of his new books as well as those republished as 'Richard Castle writing as Richard Rogers'."

The rest of the morning was spent in comfortable conversation. She mentioned that Martha had covered all Rick's history with one glaring exception: Gina Cowell.

"Well, actually, Gina and Richard were the perfect couple from a business standpoint but personally, fire and water, or maybe fire and gasoline. They fought about anything and everything but they fought longest and hardest over Alexis."

"Oh, my. That must have been terrible for Rick." She was beginning to hate a woman she'd never met.

"Gina wanted Rick to let Alexis have a normal life and to quit sheltering her so much. She felt that Rick kept her in a cocoon instead of letting her fly free. They both agreed on York Academy, although Gina felt that Alexis needed a more 'public' education. It was Gina who asked me to recommend a professional makeup artist."

"Why did they divorce then?" She felt herself agreeing a little bit with Gina regarding Alexis and she was impressed that it was Gina, not Rick or Martha, who brought in a makeup artist to help the young woman learn makeup.

"She loved my son, without a doubt, but she loved her career and limelight more and, well, when Richard hit a dry spell and hadn't written in more than a year, she started looking for a new author to promote and ended up in bed with him. She confessed her affair but my son just couldn't get over another betrayal so soon after Megan and so she finally left him. It was hard on the entire family."

"That would account for the 4 years he hasn't dated, right?" She remembered him telling Esposito that he didn't have a 'hot date' but rather a parent-teacher conference.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Castle had dinner ready when Kate and Martha returned from the day of pampering. Kate had surprised herself and thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon. She confessed to Martha in the elevator that she'd been dreading spending time alone because she was afraid of all the questions that might be asked of her.

Martha had just laughed. "I wanted you to know just who it was you were sleeping with, Kate. I know what I need to know about you. You love my son. That's enough for me."

"Well, don't you two look nice. I'll bet heads were turning as you walked up 5th Avenue. Should I be jealous, Kate?" Rick was wearing a towel around his waist as he cooked. She made a note to buy him a 'manly' apron.

"Well, your mother did introduce me to Sergio and he seemed quite interested in me for some reason. Oh, and if he calls while I'm out, tell him Friday afternoon would be marvelous."

She saw his lips press into that thin, white line and his eyes seemed to grow darker until they were almost cobalt blue. She had seen that eye color once before and she didn't want to end up in the hallway with all her belongings thrown around her.

"I'm getting my hair done and Martha says he's just so _marvelous_. He and his husband own the – "

"You little minx – " He came after her with the towel all ratted up and he snapped at her butt a couple of times with no intention of actually hitting her. She screamed in mock fright and hid behind Martha.

"Don't you _dare_ hit this poor child with that towel!" Martha wrapped an arm around Kate and they both started laughing at the look on Rick's face.

"Gotcha!"


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Okay, apparently Ol' Gramps rates somewhere down below 'getting the oil changed' and 'catching up with my friends' so I wallowed a bit and this is the result. Emily and Mandy are cooking and I'm booooored.

Happy Black Friday Eve, frantic shoppers

OM

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

That night as Kate got ready for bed, Rick ran a finger down her back and she shivered. "So soft now." He lifted her hair from her back and nibbled at the back of her neck as she watched in the dresser mirror.

"Like what you see?" Rick looked at her over her shoulder while his hand slide under her nightshirt and across her stomach and up towards her breast.

"It's like watching a movie with feedback. Yeah, I really like what I see. Take me to bed, lover, and I'll whisper dirty limericks in your ear." She giggled because once Castle had recited the entire 'There was a maid from Nantucket' limerick to her, complete with gestures and touches and…

"You don't know a single dirty limerick, Kate. You said so." He called her on her white lie.

"There once was a man named Kent, whose 'appendage' was gnarled and bent – " He started tickling her and she broke away and ran into the bedroom and whacked him with a pillow.

"This means war, Beckett!"

She diffused the situation by whipping her nightshirt over her head and softly saying, "I surrender'.

* * *

><p>Christmas Eve<p>

It was quiet in the loft. The evening had gone very well and Kate had obviously enjoyed herself and even tried to one-up her dad on tales of her mom. She looked over at Rick who was finishing up some snacks and mouthed 'Thank you' and he just smiled.

At 9, Martha announced her intentions of going over to 'my man's' apartment for a gift exchange and that 'she'd be home with the sun', meaning she was going to be spending the night with Chet.

Alexis was on the phone with one of her friends, Beckett had gone upstairs for some unknown reason and Jim Beckett and Rick were alone in the kitchen.

"Rick, I hope you didn't mind us monopolizing your evening with tales of Johanna. Kate handled the photos of her in her younger days pretty well, don't you think?"

Castle had seen the fine sheen of moisture glaze her eyes several times and each time he'd managed to catch her eye and offer her a small smile of encouragement.

"Better than I'd hoped and much better than I'd feared. This was a real trial for her and she handled herself well."

"Your Alexis helped more than you know. She kept asking Kate detailed questions about what she and her mother cooked and baked and even asked her to show her how to make those special cookies…Alexis doesn't really remember her mother, does she?"

"No, not really. I – I keep forgetting that Meredith's alive and living with someone else this week. Other than promptly cashing the alimony check each month, she has no contact with her daughter."

"That must be rough on her – Meredith, I mean." He leaned back when he saw Rick's face get cold and his eyes cobalt blue. For just a second –

"She poured a pot of boiling water on my daughter because she was high on pills and trying to memorize lines and Alexis was making noise. I don't care how she feels. She doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as Alexis."

"God, I'm so sorry, Rick. I – I didn't know. Katie never said anything." He was truly appalled that someone would harm their own child.

"You're the only one who knows, Jim, and I'd appreciate it if you'd forget it. I let my mouth run away with me. Not even my mother knows the truth and certainly not Alexis."

"She's a lovely girl, Rick, and you've done a great job raising her." He wanted to take back what he'd said but now could only offer platitudes, no matter how true.

"She raised me into the man I am today. I look at her and wonder how Meredith and I created such a wonder. Maybe she was switched out with another baby and they got the poor kid who inherited my genes."

It was meant to be funny and Jim laughed and the matter was smoothed over. Rick went upstairs to check on Kate while Jim tidied up the photo albums.

* * *

><p>"Kate?" He knocked on his bedroom door and waited for her response. He figured she'd reached her maximum dosage of 'remember when' and had escaped to the bedroom for some quiet time.<p>

"Come in. I was just freshening up a bit. I'll be down in a few minutes." She was in the master bathroom.

Rick walked to the open door. Kate was sitting on the commode lid with her face in her hands. He knelt down and pulled her hands away from her face and saw what he expected – tears.

"C'mon, Kate, don't cry. I know it's hard at Christmas and that you miss her but – "

"No, it's not that. It's just that – I feel happy, Rick, and I'm afraid to lose it. I know that sounds crazy but you and Martha and my dad seem like family and I just wish my mom could have met all of you. I guess I'm crying because I miss her but mostly because she missed this. Crazy, huh?"

He dried her cheeks with a hand towel and pulled her up onto her feet and into a hug. "I think you better make sure your dad knows you're not up here because you're upset with him bringing so much of your family history to our home tonight."

Rick felt comfortable for the first time with his selection of a gift for Kate for Christmas. Even before the engagement he'd decided on having a portrait done of Johanna Beckett from a photo he'd been given by Jim for just that purpose. He'd broached the subject and Jim had been all in favor of it. His mother had also given him her approval.

"She should have her things around her when she moves in, Richard. This will be her home, not a way stop. I think it's an excellent idea."

"Yeah, I should go down and say goodnight. It was a wonderful evening and everyone was so happy."

"Wait until tomorrow morning, sweetheart, then you'll see 'happy'. Toys, and stocking stuffers and I can't wait."

"You're like a big kid, Rick. Don't ever change." It was a small kiss that threatened to get out of hand and they both drew back and smiled.

"Let's go down and say our goodnights. Your dad had a good time, Kate. Thanks for letting him share your mom with us."

* * *

><p>Christmas evening<p>

Rick was sitting in his study with his feet propped up on his desk watching the lights of the city twinkle in the softly falling snow. It had begun to snow and Rick had insisted that Jim spend the night again rather than brave the LIE and back roads to his home out on the Island. He and Kate were sitting in the living room talking and laughing.

It had been a good day all the way around.

The Castles had given Jim a watch for Christmas. Rick knew that Kate wore her dad's watch but not why. He'd asked Kate about their present and she'd agreed but was scandalized with the watch he'd selected and they'd argued until he finally closed the deal with 'I don't go on the cheap for family, Katherine Beckett'.

The portrait of Johanna Beckett hung in a conspicuous place on the living room wall where Rick had hung it early Christmas morning before anyone else had awakened. When Kate saw it, she turned to him with a shocked look on her face.

"I wanted her here, Kate, with us. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds but – " She stopped him with a kiss and murmured 'best Christmas ever, Rick'.

Breakfast had been loud and raucous as big family events tended to be with everyone talking about everyone's gifts. Rick had been surprised and touched by Kate's gift of a first edition anthology of Poe's short stories. He loved old books and Poe was his favorite 19th century author. Kate wore her earrings and engagement ring and he caught her looking at it from time to time with that small smile he loved.

The rest of the day had flown by. Alexis was on her way with friends to Bennington for a few days of skiing and his mother had made her manners and slipped away to Chet's. God only knew when she'd be seen again. And he was sitting in his study, nursing a Scotch and thinking about the past, present and future.

"Hey, what are you doing out here all alone, honey?" Two arms slipped around his shoulder and warm lips whispered against his ear.

"Just thinking and letting my mind wander, that's all, Kate. Nothing serious. It was a nice day, wasn't it?"

"Best day ever."

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

It was Kate's first day back and both Esposito and Ryan noticed the immediate change in their leader. She was happy and smiling and they'd never seen her so relaxed and open. Esposito sent a text to Lanie telling her that her friend must have had a 'helluva nice leave' knowing it would pique her curiosity.

Kate was in the break room washing out her coffee mug when Lanie walked in and poured herself a cup of Castle's coffee and waited and waited and waited…

"Well, tell me everything! You look radiant and – are those new earrings?" She caught the two diamond pendant earrings that Kate decided to wear 'just once' to work since they were dressier than work called for.

Kate reached up and touched the earrings with her left hand, letting it dwell there for a second as she treated herself to the memory of how she came to get them.

"BECKETT! Is that an engagement ring? Oh, girl, you got to tell me everything and right now!" Lanie grabbed Kate's hand and oohed and aw'ed as tradition demanded and then dropped it and made 'Gimmee the 4-1-1' gestures all the while grinning like an idiot.

"Well, Rick and I had this horrible argument and I was moving out and when I went to our room…" She spent the next 15 minutes filling her friend in on just what 'went down' over her leave. She was smiling so much that her face started to hurt but she'd already figured out that the pain was just from an almost lifetime of disuse.

Esposito interrupted her story just when it got to the 'good parts' with 'Boss, we got a body'. She promised to fill Lanie in over lunch.

* * *

><p>Central Park West<br>New York City

Kate parked her car and walked carefully down the curving sandstone steps to the crime scene. It had snowed again and the steps were not shoveled. A young uniformed officer held the yellow police crime scene tape up for her and she gave him a dazzling smile by way of thanks.

"What do we have, Kevin?"

"Irina Zhukov, the supermodel. Some crazy joggers found her body over there." He held a tree branch out of her way as the pair threaded their way down to the snow-covered jogging path.

The body was on a piece of plastic sheeting and clothed in a nightgown and staged as if she were sleeping, her hands folded over each other and resting on her abdomen. Her legs were together and she was wearing bedroom slippers with pink pom-poms gracing the toe of each slipper. There was a light dusting of snow over the body.

It looked like an advertisement for sleepwear but she doubted that anyone would notice what the model was wearing because her throat had been cut and each of her cheeks had been deeply scored with long slices running from the eyes to the chin.

Kate shivered in revulsion and asked Ryan how he knew the victim's name and he blushed but mumbled 'Victoria's Secret Catalogue – it was Jenny's and I was in the bathroom with nothing to read and – '

"I understand, Kevin." She chuckled to herself. "There's no blood at all so she was murdered elsewhere. It looks like the killer took the time to wash off all the blood and he must have dressed her in the nightgown post-mortem since it's a pristine white."

"Or she, Beckett. It might have been another model. I understand it's a cutthroat business…" his voice trailing off as he realized just what he'd said.

"I'd expect Castle to say something like that." Her tone was more wistful than condemning.

"So how're things going with Castle? He alright after all that's happened?" She held up her left hand and wiggled her fingers. "More than alright, Kevin."

Kate grimaced when she heard the ME assigned to the case announce his arrival. He took in the scene and gestured to one of his assistants for a sheet and a thermometer.

One thing she did like about Perlmutter was his respect for the dead body. He knew he'd have to remove the garment or make a slice in it to access the liver and he was almost anal about making sure the dignity of the deceased was not further compromised.

"Detective Beckett, as I'm sure you've already surmised, the victim was killed elsewhere. Given the temperature and the rigidity of the skin I'd guesstimate time of death between 12 and 18 hours ago. This weather and the site make accuracy questionable. I'll know more after examining the remains in the lab."

Esposito walked up and gave them his interview notes. The joggers were members of an extreme sports club and this weather had been ideal for their exercises. Esposito muttered, 'They're fucking nuts', but under his breath.

"You two see what you can find out on our victim. Get the ME to take prints and run them through the system. Despite Ryan's ID, I want confirmation. Once that's confirmed, we'll do the next of kin notification and move on from there."

She called Rick as she was walking back to her car. The wind was picking up and she pulled her coat tighter against the chill.

"Hey, Rick, I'm not going to be coming home tonight. Lanie wants a girls' night for 'information purposes' and I've got a case so I'll just spend the night at my place."

"You be careful and feel free to drop by if you wrap things up. Tell the good doctor I said 'hi' and don't drink on an empty stomach. I'll bet you haven't eaten yet, have you? You skipped breakfast and I was going to make pancakes."

"I got ambushed on my way to work by some horny devil and I had to satisfy his lusts before I could get dressed and I was running late. I'll miss you and your nice big warm bed but I have to work and then Lanie wants to hear all about how you seduced me and made me wear your ring. Love ya', Bye."

She laughed out loud. If someone had recorded her conversation with Castle and played it for her 6 months ago she'd have died of embarrassment but today, in this time frame, she couldn't imagine saying anything different.

She'd changed from 'Alley Kate' into 'Rick's Kate' and she wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Ryan's identification had been right. Their victim was 21-year old Irina Zhukov, an internationally famous model who had been doing a photo shoot for a fashion magazine. Her only contact was her agent at the modeling agency and she was going over to inform her of the death of her client and interview her.

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Castle was on a conference call with the producers of _Heat__Wave_ going over casting lists. He was fine with everyone except the actress selected for the starring role of Nikki Heat, Kate's alter-ego. For one thing, she was blonde and for another, had acted in horror and science fiction independent films, most of which he'd never even heard of. While she was a knock-out, she wasn't his image of Nikki Heat or Kate Beckett for that matter.

"No. Absolutely not. Natalie Rhodes is not Nikki Heat. Find someone else. It's my call per the film rights agreement and I'm calling 'bullshit' on Ms. Rhodes."

There was an exchange of 'harsh words' and the flunky who called himself the 'casting director' finally hung up after cussing Rick out for being narrow minded and unfamiliar with the movie industry. Rick had hastened the end of the conversation by explaining just who his mother was and how he'd been around a movie lot a lot longer than some snot-nosed brat had been peeing on two legs.

* * *

><p><em>Vibrant <em>Modeling Agency

Kate felt edgy while she waited in the lobby of the Agency while Tanya Griffith finished up an interview. She felt uncomfortable around 'beautiful people' and kept her hair covering the right side of her face out of habit.

A receptionist escorted Kate back through a warren of cubicles and offices to Griffith's office. The woman was, of course, a former model and still retained her looks even though she was well past 50.

Kate explained the purpose of her visit and offered her condolences to Griffith. The woman had tears in her eyes and Kate noted the tremors in her hands and felt an instant of remorse for her earlier thoughts about beautiful people being shallow and empty. The agent was obviously shaken and upset.

"Who would want to kill Irina? She was a darling girl with a horrid past but a bright future. She just finished a series of photo shoots that would have catapulted her into the ranks of the great ones."

Kate thought the older woman was a wee bit over the top but tabled it. She was after information not attitudes.

By the end of the interview, Kate had a list of all the shoots Zhukov had done in the past month as well as other models' agent phone numbers. They were lucky. Most of the models were from _Vibrant._

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

For once the time difference between New York and L.A. worked in his favor. He didn't need to get up at 4am for a conference call at 8am L.A. time.

"Ricky, this is Joel in L.A. I've got our creative team here and we want to download a couple of videos of Natalie's more memorable roles and hope you reconsider. Natalie Rhodes is a hot commodity right now and it would mean mega-bucks at the box office."

"Fine. Email me the FTP and I'll look at them right now. If you guys can stay loose for a couple more hours, I think we might be able to resolve it."

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Kate was reviewing her notes and trying to organize her murder board and was waiting for Ryan and Esposito to return from the victim's apartment. Bored, she called Castle, hoping he could add his unique perspective to a case. Actually, she wanted to talk to him about anything and everything.

"Hello, my love, I'm bored." Beckett was twirling her hair and almost whispering into the phone. Her approach to the conversation was unusual since she was at work.

"I'm aggravated. Kate, the woman they want to play you, I mean Nikki, is totally unsuited for the role. Her only claim to fame is a set of boobs that would have Billy-Bob baying at the moon. I mean, seriously, Kate…"

"She has nicer, er, 'boobs' than I do, Rick? Do mine…" She suddenly felt insecure. She'd never given her body another thought but was wondering if Rick felt she was…skinny.

"Kate, your breasts are perfect. Your neck is sheer elegance and your thighs are toned and so smooth. You have a delightful navel and your buttocks are just perfect for me to hold and enjoy. No, this woman is not Nikki Heat. If I were casting her, I'd go for a model like, like Veronica Hamel, although she's old now and never could hold a candle to your beauty, but she's the type, not some…reject from a Hooter's commercial."

Kate was moved by his description of her body and she felt a sudden warmth _down__there_ and wondered if maybe Lanie would take a rain check. On impulse, she Googled 'Veronica Hamel' and was pleased with his selection of who he'd like for Nikki Heat. She was more than pleased since the woman was very beautiful.

"And Kate? I don't want anyone thinking that my wife, the model for Nikki Heat, is a slut. That's the bottom line. Natalie Rhodes is a slut actress."

She could feel the pressure of tears building up. '…my wife…' There it was. 'My wife'. She felt suddenly trapped and couldn't breathe. She had things to do before she got married and…and…

"Kate, still there?" He heard the sudden intake of breath on her end and waited. Maybe he'd laid it on too thick about Rhodes but someday maybe their kids would watch the movie and he didn't want them to think their mom was like Natalie Rhodes, because she wasn't.

"Yeah, Rick. I gotta go. I love you, Rick. Never doubt that for one second and I think it's sweet that you're so protective – but I'm not Nikki Heat, so don't worry about those Hollywoodpeckers. I'll see you tomorrow night for sure unless you'd like to grab lunch if I'm not tied up?"

"It's a date." He stopped when he said that. They'd never dated, not really. He'd have to change that. The wheels started turning…

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

"Yo, Beckett, her apartment's clean as a whistle, just clothes all over the place. Girl eats like a bird though. No food in the refrigerator, just diet stuff. Ryan did the neighbor thing and no one remembers anything unusual except for all the nights she came home drunk and loud."

"Well, run her phone records and her financials. There's got to be something we're missing."

* * *

><p>Kate's Apartment<p>

She hadn't been here in days and it smelled disused and musty. It was small, tiny, when compared to the loft and it was empty. She'd gotten used to having people around her and she felt a pang of loneliness. Kate walked into her bedroom and looked at the bed and almost called Lanie to cancel but she was too late. She was already on her way.

She changed into yoga pants and a hoodie and rinsed out the wine glasses and opened a bottle and let it breathe. She was hungry and decided to wait to see if Lanie wanted anything.

She almost called Castle. Almost. Their last conversation had been all about her and she'd forgotten to ask him for any insights he might have on the Zhukov murder.

Lanie arrived and took in Kate's appearance and her slovenly dress and wonder about it out loud. "Girl, what's with the nasty clothes and since when do you drink alone, Kate? Is something wrong?"

When she started to explain, Lanie interrupted, went to the phone and ordered pizza and then told her 'start at the very beginning and don't leave out so much as a moan'.

"So, I'm moving in and that's where we are." Kate ate another slice of pizza and drank some wine.

"What about your apartment?"

"I'm keeping it. I need a place to crash and sometimes going back to the loft with the hours I keep is just too damned inconvenient. I don't want to wake Alexis or Martha."

"What about Rick?"

"Oh, I'd wake him up. A girl's got priorities." They both laughed about her comment.

"That's a flimsy excuse. I think you're afraid to commit and you need someplace to fall back to. That's a cop out, Kate."

"Lanie, I can't commit, I can't marry him until I find justice for my mom. You know that's been my obsession for years."

"Kate, Rick should be your obsession, not a 'when I get some things done' kind of thing. Let him help. There's no reason you two can't…"

"Lanie, she was _my_ mother. It's my problem, not his. Besides, I need to keep this part of my life separate." It was a BS excuse but she was a girl who believed in preparing for any contingency – up to and including her relationship with Castle cratering and leaving her homeless.

"Girl, this is a real bad decision. It's gonna come bite you in your ass, I'm warning you, Kate. You're going to regret keeping this a secret. You're not supposed to have secrets from one another."


	16. Chapter 16

I offer no apologies for this chapter.

OM

* * *

><p><span>She<span>LearnedtheTruthat17 by Oldest Man

"_Kate, Rick should be your obsession, not a 'when I get some things done' kind of thing. Let him help. There's no reason you two can't…"_

"_Lanie, she was mymother. It's my problem, not his. Besides, I need to keep this part of my life separate." It was a BS excuse but she was a girl who believed in preparing for any contingency – up to and including her relationship with Castle cratering and leaving her homeless._

_"Girl, this is a real bad decision. It's gonna come bite you in your ass, I'm warning you, Kate. You're going to regret keeping this a secret. You're not supposed to have secrets from one another."_

* * *

><p>Chapter 16<p>

Kate made it back to the loft and Castle 3 nights later. The case of the slashed model was dead in the water with no leads, no prints, no suspect and no hope of a solution. She was tired and cranky and not at all good company.

"God, Rick, I missed this." She snuggled into his embrace and he just let her lean into him. She had bags under her eyes and looked more tired than he had ever seen her before.

"Go take a shower while I make you something to eat and you can bring me up to speed on the case. It sounds like you've covered every base and explored all your options at this point. It's terrible to say, but until you get another one just like it, you don't have enough data, Kate. You might have to let this one go."

"I know and it's horrible to think that the only way to get a break is if this monster kills someone else."

Rick whipped up something for her to eat and she fell asleep on the couch shortly after finishing the first real meal she'd had in days. He covered her with a blanket and went in to his study to write. He'd missed her but she needed sleep more than anything else. There would be other times and he was patient. Sometimes Castle took a backseat to Rogers.

He had written Rook and Nikki into a terrible argument after a near-death experience for Nikki. She'd been disarmed and if one of her boys hadn't shown up and taken down the suspect, she'd have been shot at point blank range.

Rook didn't need to see the look of terror on her face because he and Veritas sure did hear about it thanks to riding back with the Roaches while Nikki took the suspect in for booking. He realized that in that one second before the suspect had been disarmed and cuffed, he'd almost ended Nikki's life. That night in his apartment, lying together in bed, Rook had asked her to marry him.

_'Rookie, y'know I love ya to death and all but we're not from the same worlds. You write about what others do while I do the things you can only write about. You speak 3 languages and I can barely string words together in English. You don't belong in my world and I don't fit in yours. I'm sorry. I won't marry you."_

"_And I'm blind." _

_He said those words with such bitterness that for a moment all she wanted to do was hold him tightly in her arms and tell him the truth – that the image he had of her was so flawed and unreal that she was afraid he'd 'see' the real her and be repulsed. _

_Instead, she slapped, hard, across the face._

"_Don't you ever say that again, ever!"_

* * *

><p>Rick wasn't satisfied with it and he wanted to redo the entire chapter, substituting something else. He didn't like her reasoning. It felt – contrived - and if there was one thing he hated it was when someone dissembled, lied, instead of being truthful in moments like the one he'd written.<p>

He started to get sleepy and went in and gently woke Kate and carried her up to their room and put her to bed. He didn't want Alexis or his mother to find her asleep on the couch in her nightshirt. He set the alarm and crawled in beside her and was asleep in minutes.

5:45am

* * *

><p>Rick woke instantly to the sound of the alarm, hit the snooze button and walked downstairs and started the coffee. He scrambled a couple eggs and made toast and carried it all up to their room just as the alarm went off again.<p>

"Kate, it's 6am and you need to wake up, drink my Blue Mountain roast and eat. I'm coming into the precinct later on after a meeting with Paula and Gina about some new promotional stuff. I have to fly out to L.A. for a meeting but I'll be back Thursday night. Don't make plans for Friday night, okay? I want to take you out for a change."

"Coffee first, then talk while I eat." She grabbed the coffee and inhaled and smiled up at him. He loved the way she looked when she first woke up. She looked so damned good to him.

"So, Friday?" She hadn't answered him. He knew that she still had a life outside of his and he vowed not to intrude on it unless he was welcomed in.

"Um, can't Friday. How about Saturday? I've got something to handle Friday and I'm taking a personal day off."

When she went to find something to wear she was surprised to find her clothes in bags from the dry cleaners.

"Rick, I can handle my own dry cleaning. You don't have to follow around doing stuff for me. You have your own life and you know how I feel about you paying for stuff."

"I just wanted you to have your stuff ready for work if you spent the night. No big deal, Kate. I like following you around. The view is spectacular. Eat and get ready. I'm going down to finish a chapter."

Kate carried the empty breakfast tray down to the kitchen and went in search of her fiance for a morning kiss before she had to leave. A part of her wished she could stay and just talk with him but she got a call about another body and it was 'worse than before' according to Ryan.

"Rick, I'm leaving. Got another slasher victim in the park. I'll see you back at the precinct," she called out to him as she left. The loft was closer to the park than the precinct so she was at the scene within minutes.

* * *

><p>Ryan met her at the steps. The body had been found within yards of the first, staged in almost precisely the same way, except this time the slasher had taken out the victim's eyes.<p>

"Looks like escalation to me," said Ryan. "This guy is getting angry, Beckett. There's bruising around the neck this time."

The body was presented exactly as the first had been. Ryan was right. She could easily make out bruising around the throat as well as what appeared to be bruising on the victim's knuckles. She'd fought back.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Identifying the victim turned out to be fairly easy. Her prints were in the system. She had a couple arrests for assault. Apparently she didn't like how she'd been photographed and had assaulted the photographer several weeks before. A year earlier, she'd attacked another model for flirting with her boyfriend.

"Vickie Sims, 23, a local girl from Staten Island. Uniforms are at her place now. Want me and Espo to head on over there?"

"Yeah. I'll see which agency represented her from the list we got from _Vibrant_ and interview her agent. I'll let you know if Perlmutter comes up with anything for us."

Kate was still on the phone when Rick got off the elevator and walked over to her desk and placed a cup of her favorite coffee and a sandwich from the delicatessen down the street on her desk and then sat down. She acknowledged him with a smile and a touch of her hand and finished up her conversation.

"Thanks, Castle. I haven't had time this morning to do much other than breathe. Take a look at the board for me and do your thing. I could use some fresh eyes about now." She unwrapped the sandwich and smiled: turkey on toasted whole wheat with lettuce, mayo and tomato. Perfect. She'd only ordered it once before and yet he remembered.

Rick stood up and stared at the board. Two models. Both withlashes to the face and throat. The second victim had her eyes cut out. Bodies staged exactly the same manner. He studied the photos of the crime scene and mumbled something.

Kate was making sounds of enjoyment while eating her sandwich. She really appreciated his concern for her and she felt bad that they hadn't really had any time together in almost a week and now he was going to L.A. until Friday.

"Kate, there's something familiar about how the bodies are staged but I can't put my finger on it. It's ritualistic but there's more to it than that. Anything these two unfortunate beauties have in common?"

"We're still coming up with details, Castle. The boys are out on Staten Island taking statements and working with ESU and they haven't reported back in. I haven't been able to locate the agency that represents her yet."

"Google her. If she's registered, you'll find her agency listed there."

She'd wasted nearly 2 hours calling modeling agencies and being put on hold. Sometimes she hated him for the ease he seemed to have in plucking out all these esoteric means of getting information. She'd never 'Googled' anyone in her life.

"Want to ride over to 'Fields, Whittaker & Associates' and help me cut through the chaff?"

"Can't. I need to zip back to the loft and pack. I'm leaving later this afternoon. I stopped by to feed my lover and update her on my travel changes."

"Oh, well, follow me then. I have something for you." She got up and headed into the interrogation room and when he walked in behind her, she pushed him against the wall and kissed him with sudden hunger.

"God, Castle, I've wanted to do that since last night. I really, really missed you and I wish you'd have awakened me last night."

"You were dead on your feet. It's not as much fun when one of the parties to the party is asleep."

"I promise you that this weekend, it's all about Rick and Kate, okay?"

"I have to run, Kate. I'll call you when I get to L.A. if it's not too late. Or send you a text. Call me if you get any new info on the case, okay? Fresh eyes, even if they're 3,000 miles away."

* * *

><p>Beckett's Apartment<p>

She wearily opened the door to her apartment, threw her keys at the basket on the table and took off her gun and put it in her lockbox and stripped off the clothes she wore and hopped in the shower. It was 11pm and she was just getting home. Not the loft. Home.

Kate didn't feel comfortable just barging in and making herself at home in the loft when _he_ wasn't there. She loved Martha and Alexis but still felt uncomfortable there without –

She finished showering and cursed because she was out of conditioner, then remembered she'd left a new one at Rick's. Shaking her head in disgust, she towel-dried her mess and threw on a night shirt (her favorite was underneath her pillow in _their_ bedroom) and walked out to find something to fill the void in her life. Read a book, maybe.

Rick had sent her a text telling her he'd made it to L.A. and asking if there was any new info on the case but she was just too tired to respond. Besides, he was probably busy doing whatever it was that one did on a movie set.

'_Probably __having __drinks __with __Nikki __Heat __prospects.__'_ The tone of her thought surprised her. It was bitter and envious and a little uncertain. He loved her. She was being foolish. Still…

* * *

><p>Beverly Hilton<br>Los Angeles

Castle pushed the ice around in his third Scotch with his swizzle stick. The other three at the table were going on and on about the need for a 'draw' to get the 19-45 male demographic to pay to see the movie. Yadda yadda yadda…

'_Why hasn't she called or text me back? What does she have to do on Friday? Oh, crap! She's pregnant and getting an abortion! No. She told me she was on some implant. Maybe I should call her?'_

He glanced at his watch. No, it was late and she probably was asleep. She hadn't been taking care of herself and she's exhausted with trying to make some sense out of two cases with zero clues or connections.

"So, Rick, what do you think? She's definitely our gal. The focus groups we used picked her out as 'Nikki Heat' 77.4% of the time and we used 3 different groups. And she's a hot property right now."

"What? I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Look, let's talk about this when it's not almost midnight my time. I've been up since before dawn and I need some sleep. I'll see you guys in the morning and I'll give you my decision after talking with her."

He finished his drink and went up to his room. He took off his clothes and climbed into bed. He'd worry about Kate and Nikki in the morning.

* * *

><p>Kate's apartment<p>

It seemed like she'd just fallen asleep when her alarm went off. She dragged herself into the shower and then dressed. Her hair was wild looking and so she just brushed it out as best she could and then left for the precinct.

Before leaving, she tidied up her mother's case file and put it back in her desk. She'd spent hours looking over it for some detail she might have missed but just like other nights, nothing leaped out at her. Random gangland violence. In the wrong place at the wrong time.

If the name on the file hadn't been Johanna Beckett, and she was the cold case reviewer, she'd have tossed the file in the 'unsolved' pile in a heartbeat but she couldn't. This was her mother's file and she deserved justice.

Dreading the day, she left for work. Friday was coming. Another Black Friday in her life. The dread she felt was suffocating and she needed air and even with the cruiser's window down and the crisp winter air flowing over her, she still couldn't seem to fill her lungs.

* * *

><p>Los Angeles<p>

Rick stood in the shower letting the cold water pound down on him. It had been years since he'd had that particular dream and he'd awakened up in tears and short of breath.

_Rick Rogers had slipped away from the company and gone back to the village. Her body was right where it had fallen and he'd picked her up and carried her into what was left of her house and laid Alexana on the dinner table. He ripped sheets from the bed and then he'd washed her body and wrapped it tightly in the white sheets as a burial shroud and carried her to the village cemetery. _

_He used a shovel he'd found at the maintenance shack and dug a grave as deeply as he could in the frozen ground and laid her to rest. He covered her as best he could and left to rejoin the company. His soldier's mind marked the spot using other headstones as markers. Some day he'd come back and put a proper stone over her grave but it would do for now._

The sheets. Burial shroud. He'd placed her palms on her stomach and put slippers on her feet. It was tradition. It was a burial rite.

He connected his dots and quickly toweled himself off. It was too early to go to the studio and listen to the three stooges do their thing. But it wasn't too early to call Kate and share his thoughts.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Kate was looking over the information they'd gotten from the latest victim's apartment and agency. Still nothing to connect the victims except their profession.

Her cell rang and she answered without checking the caller ID. She was annoyed at being disturbed.

"Beckett". Short like her fuse.

"Kate, it's Rick. I had a dream, a nightmare actually, about Alexana and – "

"Castle, I don't have time to listen to your recitation of a nightmare." She snapped, looking at her watch. She didn't want to hear how he'd buried his dead girlfriend. "It's still early in L.A., so just drink some water and go back to sleep. I've got work to do…"

He heard the snappish tone and the patronizing attitude that had oozed from her voice and it made him angry.

"Detective Beckett, look for any connection between the victims and anyone on the modeling shoots who might be of Moslem faith or descent. The way the bodies were staged is how their religious tradition calls for the dead to be handled. Since the murderer wasn't burying the bodies, he wanted them found. This could be a connection."

She was suddenly very ashamed of herself. "Rick, I – I'm sorry." He interrupted her apology and she felt even worse.

"Yeah, Beckett, I get that a lot from you. I'll let you go. You're obviously busy and you'll want to cross reference names of the shoot crew. I'll see you when I get back. Try and get some sleep, Kate. I'd tell you to eat something but that would be a waste of breath."

He hung up and she felt the pressure of tears trying to escape from behind her closed eyes. He'd tried to help and she'd cut him down. _'__I__get__that__a__lot__from__you.__' _He did, and she constantly shot off her mouth around him without thinking first.

'_I'll make it up to him. We'll go out Saturday and have a wonderful time and then we'll go home together.'_

Where was 'home' exactly? The thought creeped into the back of her mind and sat there waiting to be answered.

* * *

><p>Three hours of cross-referencing and calling for verification produced one result. Interestingly enough, it was the photographer that their 2nd victim had assaulted several weeks before. Kate called on Ryan to accompany her to interview their one and only suspect, Tariq Humal, at his residence.<p>

When they arrived at the apartment building, they discussed strategy before interviewing the suspect, Mr. Humal. They wasted their time. A woman told them in broken English, through the door, that her husband was at work. He was a photographer and was at his studio preparing for an assignment.

* * *

><p>Los Angeles<p>

Castle was still smarting from his exchange with Kate and reevaluating his approach to her in the future. Whatever was bugging her was slowly pulling her away from him and he didn't know what to do about it. He hadn't meant to say what he had earlier but it was too late for regrets.

The studio car took him directly to the offices of Willie, Silly and Dilly, the co-producers who were trying to push Natalie Rhodes down his throat. Their latest idea was for 'Nikki' to approve of Natalie after she 'interfaced on the job with Natalie for a few cases'. He grimaced because he knew what Kate's reaction would be: "Hell, no!"

He hadn't expected that the idiots had already schmoozed the Mayor with promises of establishing a New York production crew to handle outdoor shots and possibly even some cast shootings and gotten premission.

If Beckett heard of this he could only imagine who would be 'shot'.

The meeting had been stormy when Castle heard the latest from the idiots. He'd been overruled and the studio lawyers had found a loophole and so Natalie Rhodes was the new Nikki Heat.

Beckett was going to be so happy…not.


	17. Chapter 17

Something to keep you in touch with the story.

If this had actually happened, the series would have been radically different. If she'd just let him in.

OM

* * *

><p><span>She <span>Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man

Chapter 17  
>Los Angeles<p>

Castle met with Natalie Rhodes for lunch. She was late and he kept looking at his watch and wondering what was going on in Kate's World.

He had been thinking in those terms unconsciously for a few days now – Kate's World, Rick's World, but not _Their_World. He was beginning to think they'd never have 'their' anything. He'd jumped into a relationship head first without really thinking it through.

He meant what he told Jim Beckett and now he wondered if his mother had been right (she was entitled to one every few years) and that this was Beckett's first 'true love' and that it wouldn't last and he'd better prepare himself for Kate's 'it was nice but…'

Someone leaned over from behind him and kissed his cheek and he was so startled that he almost spilled his drink.

"I guess I should be flattered, Rick Castle. I don't usually startle men when I kiss them." Natalie Rhodes laughed and sat down across from him. The waiter appeared almost before her ass graced the seat with its presence and she ordered 'whatever he's having' and then she got down to business.

"Why, Mr. Castle, don't you want me as Nikki Heat? I know the studio forced me on you but I want to know why you objected in the first place. I'm a good actress. I live the part before I ever set foot on the lot. I become the character I'm to play for days before hand. I'm what they call an 'immersion actor'."

"My mother and ex-wife are actors. I'm familiar with it and, can I be really honest with you, Ms. Rhodes?"

"That's a unique approach. I like it. Honesty. Son of a gun, I really like it. Most of the people in this business are phonies. I'm a phony. I pretend to be someone else for a living and I get well paid for my trouble but no one ever talks to _me_, they talk to the phony image of Natalie Rhodes. So, go ahead."

"The detective I based my character on is my fiance and I don't want anyone thinking she's a slut and your reputation is that you bring in the big bucks because you take off your shirt at the drop of a hat and use sex instead of ability. If we have kids, I don't want them thinking their mom's a…"

He swore that for just an instant he saw anger and then sorrow in her eyes. Maybe shame, he wasn't certain.

"Well, I certainly asked for it, didn't I?" She blinked rapidly and looked down at her hands that she'd folded demurely when he'd started speaking.

"Mr. Castle, this is my big chance to be in a role that I can showcase my talents and not my breasts. Do you think I like flaunting these across the nation's theaters? I have parents who think I'm just what you do – a slut. I haven't talked to my dad in years and – look, I want this role. The studio has already given me the contract but personally, I want…I need your approval. You created Nikki Heat. I guess I want your blessing."

"Tell me about Nikki Heat, Ms. Rhodes, in your own words. Tell me who she is behind the makeup and the hard shell." He leaned over and fixed her with a stare and said, "Talk to me, Nikki."

"I've only read the script excerpts that they gave me for the audition. I really don't have a…"

"It's 1:15. Go buy the book and read it. Meet me back here for dinner and we'll talk. Be Nikki Heat, Ms. Rhodes, and you'll have my 'blessing' and I'll answer any questions you have about Nikki as I wrote her. I have some calls to make and I'm not really hungry anyway. 8 o'clock, Ms. Rhodes."

He got up, threw a $20 bill on the table and smiled at her and left. She sat there for a couple of minutes and then waved off the waiter who was coming to take her order. She had a book to read and she hoped it wasn't long. She only had until 8pm.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Kate was frustrated and angry with herself. Her phone hadn't rung except for police business since she hung up earlier with Rick. He hadn't sent her a text or anything and she was afraid that 3,000 miles away, he was sitting in a bar and composing his 'it was nice but…' speech and she didn't think she could handle it if he broke up with her.

They'd interviewed Tariq Humal but he had an alibi for the periods the victims were found and the 18 or so hours before hand. He'd been in New Jersey at a casino photographing models for an upcoming advertising campaign when the first victim was found and he'd been at home with his sick wife and then to the ER when she wasn't getting any better.

They spoke with her through the door of their bedroom. She finally did come out but they didn't 'see' her since she was wearing a chadri or full body covering with just the eyes visible through a fabric grill. Her English was fluent and she clearly understood the circumstances but she deferred to her husband to answer except when directly addressed.

They were back to square one and she was short-tempered and abrupt with almost everyone. Ryan finally asked if he could speak with her in the break room and bluntly asked her 'what the hell is going on with you, boss? You're pacing around, you're short with people, and you look like someone needs to take your gun away from you before you go postal.'

"I'm just frustrated with this case. We have two victims with no connection other than their occupations and our one possible theory blew apart. I'll try and be more patient, Kevin. Thanks for calling me out on it."

She got a cup of coffee and leaned back against her desk and stared at the murder board but her mind was in Los Angeles with Castle.

_I should call him. Or text him since he's in meetings. We can arrange a time to talk and maybe we can find out what's happening between us. I know I hurt his feelings but I misunderstood but, hell, I did apologize._

* * *

><p>Los Angeles<p>

Natalie Rhodes wasn't dumb. She had a Fine Arts degree from UCLA. She liked being an actor. It filled some need within her. She wanted this role more than any other she'd ever read for. _Heat__Wave_ was a deceptively contrived love letter written by Castle to this unknown woman whom he fabricated Nikki Heat from. The character of Rook was Castle but she didn't know how much of Nikki Heat was his fiance.

Each chapter brought new questions about Nikki Heat and a few about Richard Castle. Both his main characters were flawed, one psychologically and the other, physically. She appreciated the blind man who could 'see' Nikki Heat for who she was and she felt satisfied that if she had a Rook in her life, he'd see through the façade and see her for who she really was.

But would he love her like Rook loved Nikki and Castle loved his fiance?

* * *

><p>Kate's Apartment<p>

Kate got in about 9pm after stopping by the loft to 'check' on Alexis and Martha but really to hear if they'd heard from Castle. She shared a spaghetti dinner with the two redheads and while Martha was taking a personal call, Kate asked Alexis if she'd heard from her father.

"Nope. I sent him a text about the appointment with the therapist but he never responded. He forgot his charger – again – and his phone is probably dead. I imagine he drained the battery playing with it during those meetings."

Kate was relieved. He wasn't avoiding her.

Both Martha and Kate were disappointed that she wasn't spending the night at the loft and hinted strongly that they'd missed her and that Rick had been 'difficult' when she was at her own place.

"I've got this case, the Models you've probably read about? It's keeping me up all hours and it's more convenient to just crash at my place rather than all the way over here. When Rick's back and this case is solved, I'll be 'in residence'."

Martha saw right through her flimsy explanation and Alexis was not totally convinced of her sincerity either but only Martha called her on it just as she was leaving.

"Kate, are you and Richard fighting or something? You seem so, I don't know, uncomfortable around us. What has he done this time?"

"He hasn't done anything. I – I was rude to him and – and Martha, please don't say anything to him but Friday's the anniversary of my mom's murder and I get like this for days before and after. I don't mean to be distant or cold but – "

"Oh, you poor dear. I'll keep mum about it, of course, but you really should explain this to Richard. He only wants to help, Kate, and would never begrudge you your feelings. You know, growing up without a father, every Father's Day was a trial for him so I'll bet he'll understand and offer his love and support. Don't cut him out of this part of your life. Couples share the bad as well as the good, Kate."

"Maybe you're right, Martha. Maybe it's time to really let him see the real me and hope he doesn't run screaming for the hills."

"Kate Beckett, the only way Richard would leave you is if you told him to go away because you no longer loved him. Your feelings haven't changed for him, have they? I know how the blush of first love fades more quickly than later loves."

Kate knew exactly what she meant. She remembered what Rick had said to her father that night at her Dad's place. She would never forget it.

"Nothing's changed. I just don't know how to approach him with this. 'Hi, I've been a bitch because I miss my mom so much and it's the anniversary of her murder and I can't find out who killed her?' I don't think that would go over too well."

"I think it's exactly what you should say to him. Only you should also say, 'will you help me?'"

"I'll try. I have to run. I have some files to review. Thanks, Martha." She gave Martha a hug and called out a 'bye, Lexie' to Alexis and was gone.

* * *

><p>Los Angeles<p>

Rick was a few minutes early and he'd ordered a drink and was nursing it while waiting for Natalie Rhodes to make her appearance.

And appear, she did. Somehow in the short time he'd given her she'd managed to transform herself, at least physically, into what most would imagine Nikki Heat would look like.

Her hair was cut and curled exactly as he'd described it in the opening pages of his novel. She'd found a hair dye that matched his imaginary Nikki's almost as he'd envisioned her. She wore dark, tight leather pants and a white translucent tuxedo blouse with a red leather jacket over it and leather boots that she'd laced up over the calves of her leather pants.

He stood when she was escorted to their table and he smiled a soft smile in greeting. She looked over at him and blushed when she saw that the smile included his eyes.

"So, Rook, fire away." She seemed confident and relaxed, a far cry from the woman who sat here and poured out her personal issues with her own parents.

"Why won't you let Rook love you, Nikki? He's obviously progressed past the sex and wants something more. Maybe a commitment?"

"I can't. I just can't let him in. He's clean and innocent and I'd just corrupt him. I need him, but I can't have him because to do so would destroy what we have now."

Castle was impressed. Those were exactly the reasons he'd 'back-storied' in his own mind and she'd hit the nail on the head the first time up.

"Yet you have sex, a lot of sex, but you never spend the night or meet him at your place. You're using him, Nikki, and it's not fair. Either you love him or you don't. You don't get to cop out and say 'I'm afraid of losing the status quo' when he won't be satisfied with it for long."

"And that's why you have to write another Heat novel, Rick. To answer the questions asked in the first. You are going to write another, aren't you?"

"It's finished. Just doing a little fine tuning."

"So, what's the verdict, Rick? Am I Nikki Heat?"

"You'll do, Natalie. You'll do just fine."

"Good, because Monday I'm flying out to New York and starting to shadow your mystery woman. Do you think she'll like me?"

"No. Not at first. But Natalie, give her a few weeks before you show up. She's in a bad place right now and you won't get the full Beckett treatment if you show up on Monday. Believe me, I've been there and got the scars."

"And yet you're engaged?"

"Long story, Natalie."

"I've got all night, Rick…" There was a suggestion of something more but he chose to ignore it. He already had whom he wanted and he didn't cheat.

"I don't, Natalie. No offense. Four years ago I'd have dragged you to my suite and sent you home in the morning in a daze but not any longer. I'm engaged and even if she never found out about it, I'd know."

They ordered and ate dinner, chatting about their families, their backgrounds and their plans. They left as friends.

Rick went back to his suite and packed and made reservations for New York. He called the one he had labeled 'Dilly' and told him Natalie was Nikki Heat but she wasn't to show up in New York until he gave her the okay. There were issues to be dealt with before he'd let Rhodes loose on the 12th.

Besides, Friday was the anniversary of her mom's death and he didn't want Natalie dismissed out of hand. He just hoped his presence wouldn't be rejected. Beckett could be an incredibly private person at the most inconvenient times.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Kate had gone to lunch with Lanie and they discussed the case and her shitty mood. Lanie knew all about January 19th and why her friend seemed to be PMSing to the maximum but never shared the information with anyone else. If Kate wanted them to know, she'd tell them.

She was dreading tomorrow and the weekend. She never should have agreed to see Rick on Saturday. She knew that she'd still be in 'bitch-mode' no matter how hard she tried to be civil. She didn't want to inflict herself on anyone until at least Monday.

She sat down at her desk and pulled down another file for review. Kate didn't want to even see the murder board. It sat up there, mocking her. She reached over and grabbed her hot cup of coffee and stopped.

_Where the hell did hot coffee come from?_

"Hey, beautiful, want to go to the viewing room and welcome me home properly?"

She spun around in her chair and there he stood, rumpled from flying and tired looking but looking good enough to eat.

"Rick! What are you doing here? I thought you had meetings in L.A. through tomorrow?"

"Finished them up. I didn't want you to be alone tomorrow no matter what you said or will say. We're a couple, Kate, and this is what couples do. Besides, I think your mom should meet her prospective son-in-law, don't you?"

It got really quiet in the Homicide squad room. Kate sensed that everyone was holding his breath but it was all her imagination. People were talking, answering phones, coming and going. It was just her mind shutting out everything while she figured out what to do. It was so obvious.

"Rick, I've had enough of being Kate the Cop for one day. Let's go back to my apartment and talk, okay? There's something I want you to see and – and Rick, I really need your help. I'm at an impasse and I want your insights."

"Works for me. Let me borrow your phone and call my mother and let her know I'll be in later tonight – "

"No, you won't. Tell her _we__'__ll _see her Sunday for brunch. And you need to remember to take your charger along next trip."

It was the right thing to say and it got the reaction she'd hoped for. She was going to let Rick in and not let him out until Sunday when they met Martha and Alexis for brunch.

"I'll still need to swing by the loft for some clothes, Kate. I – "

"Castle, my plans for later don't require clothing."


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: A word of explanation since a few of you are dead-set that every piece of fiction must adhere to canon: get over it. I am looking at the critical intersections of the series' events and in each of them, such as the issue of Castle messing around with Kate's mother's case, I go the other way just to see what will happen, what events would not occur, or would go down differently and since I don't own them and make no loot from this, it's my cuppa. It's too cold to play shuffleboard. **

**OM**

* * *

><p><strong>She <strong>**Learned ****the ****Truth ****at ****17** by Oldest Man

"_I'll still need to swing by the loft for some clothes, _

"_Castle, my plans for later don't require clothing."_

* * *

><p>Chapter 18<p>

12th Precinct

Kate Beckett was a hunter by nature. Her prey were murderers but right now, this minute, in the squad room of the 12th Precinct, her prey was Castle.

He saw the change in her and he knew that all his fears and misgivings had been wastes of time. She was relaxed and at ease, the stiffness and tension seemed to melt out of her shoulders while her focus sharpened until he knew that she could only see him, that everything else was a blur.

"I'm ready if you are, Kate. I approved an actor for Nikki Heat – Natalie Rhodes. I was wrong about her, Kate. She's really like Nikki Heat in ways that are pure fiction. You, my darling detective, will be the role model for her."

She smiled at his syrupy comment and started closing the distance between them and was almost within striking distance when…

"Now, unless you want to throw caution and propriety to the winds, can we go somewhere less congested? I need to wrap you up in my arms and kiss you senseless."

Kate smiled a million watt smile and grabbed his hand, ignoring the looks from her boys, and walked rapidly into the interview room. She closed the door and spun around and pinned him to the door and kissed him. Their tongues dueled for a few seconds and then Castle broke off the kiss and just held her tightly to him whispering into her hair, "I can't imagine a day in my life without you in it. Let's go home before we get too carried away."

"I thought you gave that pistol back to Agent Shaw?"

* * *

><p>Beckett's Apartment<p>

She tried to drag him into the bedroom but he was adamant that they eat something and then Kate could show him what she wanted 'his insights' for. She stuck out her lower lip in a childish pout but sighed when he kissed it, sucking it between his own lips and torturing her with his tongue.

"Business first. Food second. Then pleasure, my horny little detective. I swear, once we're living together, I will stand over you and make sure you eat at least one and hopefully two decent meals every day." His hand crept up between then and he cupped her breast, smiling when she gasped and her nipple hardened. She let her own hand wander below the belt and when she cupped him, grinned when he grabbed her wrist and gave her a dirty look.

"Business, Kate. We'll order in and then I want to help you out with whatever you're stuck on if I can. Then…" he thumbed her nipple through the fabric of her bra and blouse, "then we'll love each other senseless."

Rick pushed her gently away and smiled. She had that look on her face again – the hunting lioness on the prowl.

"Order Chinese while I change into something more comfortable and pull my files. Got any casual clothes in that bag of yours?"

Kate changed clothes and reached into the back of her closet, pushed some shoes around and pulled out a section of wainscoting and grabbed a large expanding file and wandered into the living room. Rick grabbed his bag and walked into the bedroom and changed into jeans and a pullover and joined her on the couch.

"Why didn't you just change when I did?" She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail and he felt a rush of love for her. She didn't feel the need to hide anything anymore.

"Kate, I ordered the food but, well, if I saw you half-dressed, we'd never have eaten or worked on whatever it is you're hiding in that expanding file. It must be very important to you and so it's important to me, okay?"

He told her the truth and let her deal with it as she would. He had no need to lie to her about how strongly he felt for her.

Kate sat on the couch with her legs curled up underneath her and the expanding file beside her, pushed back into the corner of the cushions. Rick was in her kitchen going through cabinets locating dinnerware, glasses and silverware. She was very organized everywhere but in her silverware drawer. She'd thrown everything into the drawer eschewing one of those little plastic divider tray things.

"Hey, you're organized to a fault everywhere but in the silverware drawer. What gives?"

"I _do _have faults, Rick. That's where I keep them." Actually, the building had had roaches and she had thrown out the divider and hadn't gotten around to replacing it. The entire building had been fumigated while she'd been on leave and staying with Rick.

The food arrived and Kate insisted on paying and Rick just groused around about 'the man's place' and Kate shushed him with a whispered comment: "A man's place is in the bedroom, chained to the headboard, awaiting his mistress' desires."

Rick got a strange look on his face and then Kate started to giggle. "I wish I had a camera, Castle. I'd put that look on your book jackets and you'd sell billions and billions of books. Is there something you're not telling me, Rick?"

"Um, no…I was just picturing you as some dominatrix in leather and…and I'm going to quit talking now. Let's eat."

Rick suddenly couldn't remember how to use chopsticks. It was weird. He was normally quite adept at wielding the two tapered dowels but not tonight. After dropping yet another piece of spicy chicken, he got a fork from the 'drawer of disorganization' and finally managed to find his mouth instead of his shirt, the carpet, the coffee table top, or his lap.

After cleaning up the various Styrofoam containers and cleaning off the mess on Rick's portion of the coffee table, Kate brought out the mysterious expanding file and placed it reverently in the center of the coffee table.

"Rick, no one has ever seen what I'm going to lay out for you. I trust you and I love you and I need your help. I can't find true peace until I've found my mom's murderer. Everything about the case is in here. When I was a rookie I made copies of my mom's file. It's a terminating offense to remove or copy files from the archives."

"Kate, I'm hardly going to narc on you. If you're trying to tell me you broke the law, it was in a good cause. It's hardly a Privacy issue. Hell, Johanna was your mother. You should have a right to see her case files."

"It doesn't work that way in the real world, Rick. I agree with you but the State of New York thinks otherwise."

She laid out everything. She rarely looked at the autopsy files because of the photos but also because something so simple as an entry for Cause of Death as 'Homicide – knife wound' seemed inadequate to describe the impact of her death on others.

Castle picked up the autopsy file first. He scanned the sterile reports that summarized the termination of the life of the woman whose portrait hung in his living room and whose daughter sat beside him. He could have written a novel about those yellowed 13 pages.

"Kate, I have a guy I've used for research and to review my sections relating to autopsies and such, a forensic pathologist who is the best in the business. Would you…would you mind terribly if I asked him to look these over? There might be something that was missed or that neither of us are schooled enough to see the importance of. If you could make copies for me…"

"He has to be discreet, Rick. I could lose my job and…"

"He's a professional and he's right here in New York. He does work for the Feds sometimes. Richard Young is tops in his field. He makes Temperance Brennan look like a klutz."

"Who?" She didn't know many pathologists or who was who in the Kingdom of Pathology.

"'Bones'? TV show? Y'know…'Bones'."

"Never saw it. I don't watch much TV, Rick. Most times I'm reading your books. Or Patterson's. Or going over these," meaning her mom's case files. The dig about James Patterson went unnoticed.

"Well, we'll remedy that at the earliest opportunity. So, you make copies and…do you have your mother's calendar or Day Timer for the month she was…the month she…"

"Died. Was murdered. It's okay, Rick. I asked for your help. She was killed in an alley in Queens. She was meeting someone about a Pro Bono case she was interested in, some Mafia hood that maintained his innocence of the crime he'd been accused of. He was guilty of a lot of other things but he claimed he'd been framed to cover up a vast conspiracy."

"A conspiracy? To what end?"

"Don't know. The final police report was 'random gangland violence'. There's so much about this that I just don't know. I'll see if Dad has any of her old stuff around. He never threw a single thing of hers away except for her clothes that he donated to charity and even then he has some keepsakes. I'll call him but not for a few days, okay?"

She felt better about this than she'd ever felt before. His instincts and his suggestions and comments gave her hope for the first time in a very long time.

Rick was taking notes on a legal pad and had outlined what they knew, what each was going to do and what needed to be done before they could really start digging.

Kate leaned against him and sighed. "I feel hopeful for the first time in ages, Rick. Thank you for helping me. It means the world to me." She sat back against the couch and rubbed his back as he hunched over the coffee table making some final notes.

"What's on the agenda for tomorrow, Kate? I don't want to intrude."

"I need to stop by a florist and get a bouquet and then go out to the cemetery. Could – would you please come with me? I know you joked about meeting your mother-in-law but…"

"I wasn't joking and you shouldn't need to ask if I will go with you. Of course I'll go. It's what couples do, Kate. Share the good things and the bad. A burden shared is a burden halved. You've carried this around alone too long, my love."

She felt overwhelmed for a second and blinked away tears that threatened to fall. She wasn't alone anymore. She had him.

She woke up first and just laid there, absorbing the warmth of his back she was spooned up against. He'd proven that the previous nights hadn't been flukes. She'd cried out more than once and wondered if the neighbors had heard her. She didn't care.

* * *

><p>Woodlawn Cemetery<p>

Kate parked as close as she could to the cemetery out of habit. After past visits she'd always been in tears and almost unable to function and having the car nearby, a kind of sanctuary, had been sensible. This year she parked back along the roadway that meandered through the trees and gravesites. This year she wasn't alone.

Since it was Friday and cold with winds that gusted up into the mid-teens they had the cemetery all to themselves. Castle had his left arm around her shoulders and was holding her right hand in his, against his chest.

"Rick, can I have a few minutes alone and then I want to introduce you to my mom. I know it sounds dumb. She's dead, I know, but somehow I feel closer to her here than anywhere else."

"Sure. I'll be right behind you. Just nod and I'll be by your side. Take all the time you need, Kate." He stopped and let her walk alone up through a row or two of tombstones and saw her stop and kneel down and spread out the blanket he'd had her bring. Kneeling in 3 inches of wet snow was just asking for pneumonia.

I wonder, if that were me in that cold ground, if Alexis would make an annual pilgrimage to drop flowers on the turf and maybe spend a few minutes filling me in on how life was going for her? Would she bring a husband someday? Children? No! She's too young for marriage and kids and I'm too young to create such an annual event. Still, Dalton had been a year younger than me…

Kate stood and turned around and motioned him forward. She had tears in her eyes but she was smiling and he took that as a good sign.

"Mom, this is Rick, the guy I told you about last time. You used to read his novels. Well, we're together and as soon as we work out some issues I'll be Mrs. Richard Castle. He loves me, Mom, and I love him. I just wanted to introduce you. He – he had a painting of you done and it hangs in his loft, our loft, and he gave it to me for Christmas so you'll always be with us. I think I'll drop by more often now. I'll want to fill you in on how life's going for us. I love you, Mom."

She looked up at him with teary eyes but a smile he'd never seen before and for just a moment he caught a glimpse of Kate as she would have been if not for the acid attack and the murder of her mother. He vowed that someday _he_ would put that smile on her face.

"Let's go, Rick. This is the first time I won't be leaving here an emotional wreck. Somehow with you here it was easier and less maudlin. Maybe it was because I had so many wonderful things to share with her instead of just how much I missed her. C'mon, it's freezing and I could use a cup of coffee."

"Kate, how does your dad handle today? I mean, I guess I'm saying he shouldn't be alone. Let's swing by the loft and pick up the Ferrari and drive out to the Island and spend so time with him, I don't know, maybe drag him to dinner?"

"I don't know, Rick…" She looked at the ground and immediately felt a mantle of guilt settle over her, replacing the warmth she'd had. What right did she have to be so damned happy when her dad was probably staring at a bottle of booze and counting all the reasons why he should open it.

"I do. We're going. We'll leave your car in the parking garage but first, we'll swing by your place and you can pack a bag for the weekend. And quit feeling guilty about not being 'an emotional wreck'. I didn't know your mother but I doubt that she'd want you to be feeling guilty about being happy."

Kate's head snapped up and met his eyes. _'__Did __I __say __that __out __loud?__'_ Castle's eyes bored into hers and she swore he could read her mind at times.

"No, I don't read minds, Kate. I read your face and saw the moment you realized that you felt happy instead of feeling distraught and the guilt set in. Now, we're going to see your dad so call him and let him know. Tell him – tell him you need to talk. You do, Kate. I know you. You and your dad – I think Christmas Eve was the first time you two had really talked about your mom, right?"

_'I am so screwed. He reads minds. He knows what I think and he's always there with a solution. How does he know about Christmas Eve? He reads minds!'_

"Okay, we'll go. I'll call him from the car. It's freezing and I talk better thawed." He put his arm around her and drew her close and they walked through the ranks of tombstones to her car. It had started to snow harder and the wind was making it difficult to see but somehow it didn't matter.

"We'll spend the night at my place on the shore. It's closer to your dad's place than driving back to your apartment. I'll call the caretaker to fire up the heat."

While Rick called the real estate company that managed his properties on the Island, Kate called her dad and invited the couple to his house and then she told him, without letting him get a word in edgewise, that 'Rick and I are taking you to dinner and you'd better just get used to having me, us, back in your life.'

If she could have seen the look of relief on her father's face she would have felt a lot better about her 'no prisoners' approach. He'd actually opened the Bourbon bottle and had a glass with melting ice in front of him. This year had been a particularly trying one and this anniversary had almost broken him. He'd been sober for 5 years and he'd almost pissed it away in self-pity and grief.

Kate had unwittingly saved him again.

* * *

><p>AN: It's going to get dark in the next few chapters. Fasten you seatbelts, children, but have a little faith.


	19. Chapter 19

**She****Learned****the****Truth****at****17** by Oldest Man

"Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may reach you". Khalil Gibran, "Sand and Foam" (1926)

* * *

><p><em>'I am so screwed. He reads minds. He knows what I think and he's always there with a solution. How does he know about Christmas Eve? He reads minds!'<em>

_If she could have seen the look of relief on her father's face she would have felt a lot better about her 'no prisoners' approach. He'd actually opened the Bourbon bottle and had a glass with melting ice in front of him. This year had been a particularly trying one and this anniversary had almost broken him. He'd been sober for 5 years and he'd almost pissed it away in self-pity and grief._

_Kate had unwittingly saved him again._

* * *

><p>Chapter 19 - There is a clearly marked 'M' section that someone 'ghosted' for me. Read the warning, kiddies, and skip the few paragraphs she wrote for me.<p>

I had cataract surgery on only ONE eye instead of both. If you see a old phart walking around in wrap-around dark glasses it's likely to be me.

* * *

><p>Rick wished that he somehow could have convinced Kate to talk with her father without him being in the same house. It was time for a father-daughter conversation and he knew from experience that such talks should be done in relative privacy.<p>

He sat out on the porch swing trying not to succumb to the elements. It was almost 4pm but the sky was dark with snow-bearing clouds and the wind was whipping through the bare tree limbs with an almost keening howl.

He pulled his bomber jacket more tightly around him and closed his eyes and tried to imagine a warm beach. He had a superbly creative imagination and when he imagined Kate rolling over on top of him, her bikini top falling away from her breasts and pillowing against his chest, his smile belied the cold.

"Rick? Wake up and come inside. I appreciate your attempt to give Dad and I some 'space' but this is above and beyond. I made cocoa and yours is getting cold."

"Everything okay between you two?" He knew Kate worried about her dad but she'd admitted that this was the first 'anniversary' she'd spent with him.

"Yeah, great. I think we're going to visit Mom together next time. I asked Dad about looking at some of Mom's notes, case files and diaries and calendars. He's upstairs getting them. He kept them, Rick, all these years and when I asked him why, do you know what he said?"

"No, Kate, but I'll venture a guess that he was saving them for you."

_'God, he really can read my mind!'_

"Exactly what he said. 'I was saving them for you'. He doesn't want me looking for things that might not be there. He says he's lost one person he loved already and doesn't want to lose me but he understands what drives me. He just doesn't agree with it."

"Kate, if he thinks it's dangerous for you, maybe you should ask him what _he_knows. I mean, if they had a relationship anywhere as loving as it appears, he had to have had some idea what she was involving herself in, right? So ask him right out. Find out now and it may save us time in the future."

_'It might save you', _Rick thought to himself.

"I will, sweetheart, but not today. I think we're both stressed enough. How about an early dinner and then you can show me this 'summer house' Alexis raved about."

Subject closed. He knew enough not to press. He'd let his thoughts be known and that was the end of it. He knew enough about Kate's 'boundaries' not to cross them.

* * *

><p>They had dinner at a small restaurant that was pretty much a 'locals-only' place. It didn't advertise and there was no large sign indicating that the place was anything other than a plain-faced building without specific purpose. The interior, however, was anything but plain.<p>

Old leather-topped tables and captain's chairs were spaced haphazardly throughout the room that was floored with uneven, weathered planking. The hostess knew Rick and took them to a table overlooking the fishing docks and took their drink orders and left them with menus.

The conversation started out on a sour note. Jim Beckett asked Rick bluntly about when the couple planned to marry. "I'm not getting any younger and I'd like a grandchild or two to spoil rotten. Have you and Katie talked about a date?"

"Um, well, not really. We're still learning about each other and there are things in each of our lives that need to be taken care of before we can move on to marriage."

It was a good and truthful answer but not what Jim Beckett wanted to hear so he redirected his question to his daughter. He'd been an excellent prosecutor and he approached his daughter as he would a 'hostile witness'.

"Katie, what sort of things do you have to resolve before letting me walk you down the aisle?" Blue eyes bored into green eyes just as they had when young Katie would offer excuses for why she'd broken curfew or been drinking.

"Dad, most of them are professional. I'd like to make Lieutenant or maybe Captain some day and so most of my attention right now is focused on my career." She hoped it sounded sufficiently ambitious that he'd set aside this line of questioning. Her mother had been twenty-five when she had Katie. She was thirty.

"'Most'?" Damn him! Just once she wished he'd respect her wishes and decisions.

"Ah, Jim, I think I'm probably to blame for any delays. My travel schedule is heating up what with two new books coming out and my contractual obligations to both Black Pawn and the _Heat__Wave_ production units. We really haven't discussed a date yet."

Castle's statement seemed to mollify Jim's curiosity and Kate sent him a 'thank you' with her eyes. It had been both an honest and dishonest answer. _She_ had an agenda, not Rick.

Jim drove them back to his house and they said their goodbyes and Rick threw Kate the Ferrari keys and smiled as her face lit up. She loved the Ferrari and he thought more than once about signing it over to her. He could imagine how crime scenes would unfold as Kate pulled up in her Ferrari, stepped out clad in a leather cat suit and announced, 'Beckett, NYPD, what do we have?'

"Rick, what are you thinking? The look on your face…"

"Nothing, nothing. Just thinking…" He knew she'd pop him in the arm if he shared his image of 'sexy Kate' at a crime scene. He wondered if he could somehow insert the Ferrari into Nikki Heat's world? Veritas would be a problem but he could work his way around the hound.

He made a mental note to talk with the writers about 'the male demographic' and Natalie and a similar scene. Maybe they'd get off his back for being 'prudish and out of touch'. Maybe. He would pen a few car chases in the Ferrari for Nikki and Rook.

"Riiiiiick? I know that look…" She wanted to know if the sudden excitement in his eyes had to do with her or something else.

"Kate, if I gave you the Ferrari as a late Christmas present or engagement gift, paying the insurance, of course, would the Department let you drive it to crime scenes?"

Her mouth dropped open and her eyes glazed over as she imagined pulling up to a crime scene in a frikkin' _Ferrari!_

"That's what I was thinking when you asked me about my 'look'. Ask the Captain, and if he says 'yes', happy Ferrari Day, my love."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: If you've seen 'Revenge' on TV, the rented beach house is how I envision Castle's place in this fic.**

* * *

><p>'Summer House'<br>Easthampton, Long Island

Kate turned off the main highway onto a secondary road that was in dire need of plowing, and slowed down considerably, much to Castle's relief. "It takes a sharp turn to the left and then follows the shore line for about 500 yards. The track to the beach house is difficult to find in broad daylight, Kate, so slow down so we don't miss it."

She downshifted into 3rd gear and then into 2nd and the innocent beach front road turned treacherous and they fishtailed a few times before she felt comfortable and then Rick said, "slow down, it's on the right across from the mailbox."

Kate turned onto the sandy track and finally pulled up behind a rectangular beach house that hadn't been painted in years. "Low maintenance initiative, Rick?" She laughed at his frown.

"It's bare wood, grayed by the sun and painted every six months with linseed oil to protect the wood. I debated putting cedar shakes on the weather side but decided against it. I suppose you'd paint it 'pumpkin yellow' or some equally yucky color like my neighbors'?"

"Nah, I like it just like it is. It reminds me of you, sweetie – ruggedly handsome, if somewhat old…"

He grunted, carried their luggage up onto the circular porch and then fumbled for the keys. Once they got inside and out of the weather, he started flipping light switches and the large kitchen and informal dining area were both illuminated with soft light from recessed fixtures in the low-beamed ceiling. Appliances covered one wall, another had a granite countertop and sink while the outside wall was covered in pine paneling.

"Fridge is stocked and there are canned goods in the pantry. Leave the bags and I'll give you a tour. We have a propane generator that keeps the juice on when storms take down a line so everything in the fridge is fresh."

She took it all in and then grabbed his hand and followed him into a large living/family room that fronted on the covered porch with a view of the ocean. One entire wall was a fireplace, wood rack and bookshelves while another contained a large projection TV and entertainment center.

"Rick, can we build a fire? I love sitting in front of a fire. Can we, please?" She was like a little girl sometimes and Castle could deny her nothing.

"Good idea." He pulled newspaper out of a wicker basket beside the fireplace and crumpled up several sheets and pushed them under the fire grate and lit them with a long match from a glass jar. Once the paper was burning, he turned a large key in the side of the chimney and a gas lighter ignited, starling Kate.

"Be warm as toast in a few minutes. Now, m'lady, I'll show you the boudoir, the master bath with it's orgy-ready hot tub and the rest of the place."

After the tour, Rick took the bags back to their bedroom and Kate changed into sweats and a hoodie while Rick slipped on jeans and a sweater. Neither bothered with shoes since Rick pulled out heavy woolen socks and slipped them on Kate's feet.

"It gets drafty in the family room, especially with the fire drawing air in from every little crack in the place. This way you'll never feel it."

"Can we pull the couch over in front of the fireplace? If you have an extra blanket, we can neck like horny teenagers on the couch." She looked at him in wide-eyed innocence and he was undone. He started to snicker and then laugh and finally he flopped on the bed gasping for breath.

"What's so damned funny, Castle? I think that sounds really romantic…"

"We _are_ couple of horny teenagers, Kate. I mean, we act like them. Seriously, babe, I think that's a great idea. Take the blanket off the spare bed and I'll crack open a nice bottle of wine."

They moved the rattan couch with it's decorative plump pillows over in front of the fire and Kate disappeared for a few minutes and Rick unfolded a fleece blanket that had been folded over the back. Figuring Kate would want to face the fire with him spooned against her back, he maneuvered the blanket against the back of the couch.

Kate walked through the room extinguishing the lights one by one. She was wrapped in a blanket she'd taken from the spare bed and grinned when she saw the set up. Perfect.

She turned out the last light and then stood between him and the fire and opened the blanket. The fire backlit her silhouette. His breath caught for a second and then he patted the cushion in front of him. She quickly lay with her back against him, her blanket thrown over them.

Rick pillowed her head on his left upper arm and snaked a hand around her waist and the sound he made was unlike any sound he'd made before – a blend of whimper, moan and chuckle. Instead of sweat pants and a hoodie, he felt warm, soft, naked Kate.

"K-Kate, you're _naked!_" For a man who made a living stringing words together, he seemed suddenly tongue-tied.

Kate giggled and rolled over and buried her face in his sweater, "I'm not naked, silly man. I'm still wearing those warm socks you put on me."

She heard the rumble of his chuckle through his sweater. Today had been very stressful and she was on edge and needed him more today than ever before.

"Get naked, Rick. I need to feel your warm skin on mine. Hurry!" she whispered in an almost desperate tone. His compliance was immediate although he deviated from her instructions to throw a few larger logs on the fire.

He started to slip back behind her but she stopped him. "No, honey, on your back." He lay down on the suddenly cool fabric and hissed at the cold and gestured for her to lie down. "You're gonna freeze your butt off, Kate."

**This part is M rated. Don't read it if you're underage or don't like somewhat graphic couplings (per Mrs. July).**

"Rick, thank you for being with me today. If I didn't stress how much it meant to me, I am now. Tonight I'm going to be selfish. Tonight I need you for me."

Kate straddled him and pulled the blanket over them. Her lips found his in a gentle kiss and then she sat up and took him hands and pressed them to her breasts, squeezing them as she wished him to do. His thumbs rubbed slow circles around her aureoles finally teasing her nipples into hard nubs. Kate slid her nether lips along his firming length, shuddering slightly when she reached the head.

"Kate…" He didn't know what to do but he wanted to fulfill her needs, whatever they might be but he had no idea what they were.

"Shhh. Just – just be here for me...promise me…"

"I promise, Kate." It was important to her so of course he promised.

Kate could feel his heart beating under the palms of her hands and she reached up and pulled his hands from her breasts and placed them on her hips. She changed the angle of her pelvis and rocked back and repeated her journey along his throbbing length.

She gave a little whimper each time she reached the head and finally raised herself up, reached down and guided him between her moist and swollen lips. Kate rose up even higher and then plunged down on him, taking in his full length.

Rick gasped when the blanket that was tenting them slipped a little and he could see her face. She was in pain, whether emotional or physical, he didn't know.

"Kate, stop! You're hurting yourself. Please stop."

"Y-you promised!" She rose up on her knees and repeated her actions, impaling herself and leaning forward slightly as she rose up on her knees and almost violently buried his length in her again and again. Rick watched her face as she began to cry and make a keening sound that made the hair on his arms stand up.

He had to do something so he used his grip on her hips to slow her plunge and she grabbed his wrists and jerked them away from her and leaned on them to keep him from touching her.

"Kate, please, Kate. I'm afraid you'll…" Kate hissed at him to 'shut up'. He had a sudden insight and it frightened him. She was fucking him, using him to punish herself for being alive while her mother was dead. He felt himself soften in response to his feelings of guilt and remorse.

"No! No, you promised me…you promised!" She reached between her legs and grabbed him but he grabbed her shoulders and twisted his body until they were on their sides, her back to the couch.

He whispered that he loved her and wouldn't hurt her and that's what she was making him do. "I promised never to hurt you or leave you, Kate. That promise is everlasting." The pain in his face matched the sudden pain in her heart.

**End 'M'**

Kate felt ashamed. She'd hurt the one person in her life she knew would always love her unconditionally. She could see the love in his eyes but felt it was undeserved.

Rick could see her internal conflict mirrored on her face. He leaned in and whispered that he would always love her and that together they'd work through this because that's what couples did, worked through their problems together.

He kissed her but she didn't respond at all. He sighed and rolled over and sat up. She was a linear thinker, going from A to B to C to D and so on. It was why she was so effective at handling cases with a myriad of details.

"Kate, I'm not asking you not to love your mom or to not feel badly when her anniversary rolls around. I am asking you to ask yourself this – 'would your mother want to see you hurting yourself because you feel guilty about being alive'?"

She knew he was right and she knew that her mother would be devastated if she thought for even one moment that the painful guilt her daughter felt and acted on was because of her.

She sat up and swung her legs on either side of him and leaned forward against his back, resting her cheek against his skin and wrapping her arms around him.

"I hate her sometimes, Rick. Isn't that horrible? I'm scarred because she stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I hate her because she felt that getting to the truth was more important than – than seeing what her digging had done to me. I hate her because she kept on digging and then someone killed her."

"Kate, you don't hate your mother. You love her and miss her. Yeah, you might blame her for ignoring the warnings and robbing you and your father of her love but that doesn't mean you hate her or should punish yourself for it."

She was quiet for few minutes. Her mind was turning over everything he'd said and she recognized the truth in it.

"How can you love such a messed up woman, Richard Castle?"

"How can I not? You're beautiful, funny, loving and caring and you have a nice ass, Kate." While that last was true, he said it more to dilute the syrupy drivel that seemed to spew from his mouth around her.

She sniggered against his back and let her hands wandered further down his body but he grabbed her wrists and said, "No, Kate. Not until we get some things settled between us."

"Okay. But turn around and let's snuggle up and talk." She felt liberated after such an intense experience.

Once again she was on her side facing the fire with Rick snuggled up behind her running his fingertips lightly over her arm and shoulder, sometimes following the intricate patterns of the Keloid scars on her neck and shoulder with a fingertip.

Before she met him she was certain that no man would ever want to see, let alone touch the scars. Kate never objected when he did it, although she was terribly self-conscious the first time he'd done it. It was very comforting and she loved that he found even her scars worth kissing and caressing.

It had been a long and emotional day and between his gentle caresses and the hypnotic flickering of the flames, she fell asleep just as he'd hoped.


	20. Chapter 20

**She****Learned****the****Truth****at****17** by Oldest Man

Sorry for the length but I'll be gone for a while.

* * *

><p>Chapter 20<p>

It had been a long and emotional day and between his gentle caresses and the hypnotic flickering of the flames, she fell asleep just as he'd hoped.

Her first thought of the morning was simple. 'The fire's almost out.' The few small flames from the remains of the logs Rick had put onto the fire flickered but the embers and bed of hot coals seemed to pulse with heat. She wished she could wake up this way every morning for the rest of her life.

Kate Beckett was nobody's fool. She knew she had 'issues' every January 19th and for a few days afterwards. At least this year she wouldn't have to make an appointment with her OB/GYN for an exam. Thanks to Castle there had been no 'tearing' that might require treatment.

She knew he was awake and she wondered if he'd slept at all. His arm was around her and his hand was flat on her lower abdomen and his fingertips were skimming a path between her navel and the very top of her pubic hair. He wasn't trying to arouse her. He probably wasn't even aware of what he was doing.

She turned her head into the arm he'd been pillowing her head with and kissed it and whispered 'Good morning, my love', hoping that he still felt that way.

"Oh, you're awake? Good. It snowed another 6" last night and Ferraris aren't known for snow. I think we need to pack it in and head back to the city. I thought, maybe if you didn't mind, we could hang out at your place for a while and then grab something to eat and just – y'know, talk?"

"Is this about last night, Rick?"

"Last night? You had a long and stressful day, babe. You fell asleep almost the minute you hit the couch. Maybe you had bad dreams?"

"We need to talk about it. It happened and you know it. I don't think it'll happen again – as long as we're together like yesterday. I feel better, Rick, freer. Just being able to tell someone how I felt about her made a big difference."

"Good. You go up and shower and change and I'll make breakfast. I'm going to call the State Police and check on the roads. With the wind blowing like it is…"

Another quick kiss and she was gone but he heard her voice call his name and so he pulled on the clothes he'd tossed off the night before.

Kate was standing at the large kitchen window pointing to the Ferrari – it was almost covered with snow and the snow had drifted over the track in the wind.

"I think we'd better reconsider our plans, Rick." She pulled the blanket tighter around her and shivered. He wrapped his arms around her and stared out the window.

"I'll add wood to the fire while you shower or take a bath. I'll have coffee and breakfast ready by the time you're through."

Castle called his mother while Kate was in the shower and told her where they were and that they'd try to make Sunday brunch but not to worry about them.

"And how's Kate doing, Richard? I suppose she's still upset? Are you being careful with her?" Sometimes he thought his mother liked Kate more than she did him.

"Yesterday was very emotional for her and we drove out to her father's to have dinner with him. That went really well and the two of them seemed to give each other a lot of emotional support. It was late so we came back here and now it looks like we're snowed in."

"Well, stay warm and play nice, darling. I'll see you when you get back."

He looked up the number for the state police and they advised against driving until later in the day. Secondary roads along the ocean and Sound were wind-drifted over and some drifts were 5 feet deep. Predictions were for another 3-4 inches with winds of 15-20mph continuing through the night.

Kate walked into the kitchen wearing her wool socks and a bathrobe she'd found hanging on the back of the door. She figured it wasn't Alexis' and was curious. It carried a scent of perfume that Kate couldn't place.

Rick looked over his shoulder and smiled. "You look a lot better in it that than Mother does. I'm glad you found it. She always uses the Master Bath and leaves her stuff everywhere."

"Can I help? I _can_ handle breakfast, Castle." He smirked and waved towards the stove and muttered, 'be my guest' and sat down at the small table to watch.

She scrambled eggs, added chopped onions and cheese, made toast, laughed when he had to show her how his hi-tech coffee maker worked and then they took their plates and coffee to the couch in front of the fireplace.

"Rick, can we do this every year? I mean come up here, eat with Dad and then come out here and just enjoy the fire and each other?"

"Sounds like a great idea. Listen, the main roads are closed between here and the LIE and the drifts are too deep to risk driving on the secondaries. Call your dad and let him know where we are and that we're not heading back into the city until tomorrow morning if the roads are clear."

* * *

><p>They spent almost the entire day just talking while enjoying each other and the fire. They fulfilled Kate's desire to make out like horny teenagers in front of the fire at least twice.<p>

They spent the night on the couch in front of the fire, thoroughly involved in each other. Beckett woke first and decided to surprise him with breakfast but her father called and told her that he had her mother's notes, journals and diaries all boxed up for her and suggested they stop by on their way back into the city and pick them up. The roads would be fairly clear by then.

She sighed deeply. Her brief time in paradise was over and it was back to reality for her. She made coffee and woke her future husband with a few wet kisses and caresses and then scooted out of his reach, laughing at the look on his face and feeling very much in love with him at that moment.

Kate quickly showered while Rick secured the glass doors on the fireplace and closed up the house. She loved this beach house and was planning weekend getaways in her mind. Slowly but surely, Kate was becoming Detective Beckett again in her mindset. She recognized the subtle changes and wondered if Rick would notice.

He did. From the moment her father called and mentioned that the roads were clearing, Castle had watched as the relaxed young woman who'd made his weekend so complete changed. Her tone of voice became harder as did the planes of her face. When she came down from her shower wearing what Rick considered her 'detective outfit' the transformation was complete.

"Castle, why don't you drive? I'll run into Dad's and pick up my mother's journals and we can head into the city and meet up with Alexis and Martha for brunch. Afterwards, drop me at my apartment?"

It was a question but a statement as well. She wanted some distance and didn't want to ask for it and disappoint him so she couched her choice in terms he might easily misunderstand.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Things were totally back to 'Kate World' over the next few weeks. There was still the 'Model' case to solve, still more unsolved cases to review and re-file, and new cases to handle and through it all she maintained a sense of detachment. She moved in her Kate World orbit until the gravity of Rick's World pulled her away, out of her orbit of murder cases and nights at her apartment, and into his of family and fiancée.

Sometimes she resented it when the larger body dragged her from her orbit but other times she hastened it along by calling Rick or Alexis or Martha and just talking and those times invariably ended with her eating dinner with them and waking up the next morning wrapped in his arms. Those times were less frequent as time went by.

The couple had their first real knock-down-drag-out in late February when Rick brought up the expiration of her lease and wanted to discuss the logistics of her move.

"I thought we'd agreed when you said you were going to move in here when your lease was up?"

"Rick, I want to keep my apartment. It's easier some nights for me to just crash there and…"

"And what, Kate? I'm not pressing you to get married. We settled that issue weeks ago. When you're ready and when things calm down, right?"

"Yeah, when things calm down, Rick. I just need my own space right now, honey. It's a big adjustment. It's only a 6-month lease extension. I'll have everything settled by then and then I'll formally change my address."

Both of them believed the lie because not believing was unthinkable.

Natalie Rhodes provided the catalyst for the second dust up and it was totally Kate's fault but, of course, she never saw it that way until Lanie Parrish explained the facts of life to her. By then it was too late to do anything about what she'd done in the heat of anger.

It was a cold March afternoon when Natalie Rhodes appeared at the 12th Precinct. She was in her Nikki Heat persona and was accompanied by a small entourage of hangers-on.

When the elevator door opened and she strolled out, Roy Montgomery had been on the phone but catching sight of her, he'd hung up mid sentence and hurried out to meet her. There were forms to be signed, waivers to be attested to, and introductions to be made. He wished he'd worn his better suit.

"Miss Rhodes, welcome to the 12th Precinct…" He escorted her and the Mayor's representative from the City's Film Board into this office and closed the door in the face of her entourage. Most of the men had either seen Natalie arrive or heard it through the grapevine and so there was quite a crowd gathered when Montgomery escorted her out and over to the Homicide Unit and Kate Beckett.

"Natalie Rhodes, meet Detective Kate Beckett. You'll be shadowing her and her team for the next 10 days or so. Beckett, I'll let you two get to know each other. Play nice, Beckett."

Kate had spent the weekend alone at her apartment going over her mother's diaries, notes and journals. She'd gotten really involved and then excited by some notes written by her mom weeks and even days before here murder. She felt she had a solid lead into why her mother had been in that alley that night.

Montgomery hadn't told Beckett that Rhodes was coming, figuring that Castle had taken care of it.

Kate felt angry about having a 'shadow' dumped on her without warning. She had spoken to Castle about her research and they were meeting for lunch to talk about it but he hadn't said a word about Rhodes coming on Monday.

Castle hadn't said anything because he didn't know. The studio told Rhodes to 'go meet Nikki Heat' and she had assumed Rick had given his approval. He hadn't.

Kate took in the gaggle of men and some women who were standing around trying to get a look at the celebrity famous for her boobs and shot a glare at the crowd that sent the smarter ones running. Finally she stood, hands on hips, and said very distinctly that 'you all have something important to do so, do it!' and even the stupid ones got the message.

Natalie had seen how commanding Kate could be and was impressed both with her style and her poise. She thought back to her transparent ploy to bed Richard Castle and smiled. She understood his comments so much better now.

"Look, Natalie, I wasn't told that you were coming. I'm not really ready for you and I don't have much of anything on the books except lunch with my boyfriend but you're welcome to walk around, meet some of the people starting with my team."

She introduced Natalie to Esposito and Ryan and asked them to show her around. She had a lunch date with Rick and Natalie shocked her by inviting herself along.

"I want to thank him again and this is the perfect time to watch Nikki and Rook interface on a personal level. You won't even know I'm there."

Kate stammered and finally agreed. She excused herself and walked into the conference room and dialed Castle. 'How could he do this to me? How could he just dump the 'slut actress' on her without warning?'

"Hey, babe. I hope you're not calling to cancel out on lunch." Rick hadn't spoken to her since Thursday. They'd both been busy. Saturday was Martha's birthday and he and Alexis had taken her to a play and dinner. No one mentioned Kate's absence but it was obvious that a 4th seat was vacant next to Rick.

"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me that Rhodes was coming today? Damn it, Castle, you said she wasn't coming until you felt I was ready – well I'm not ready."

"I didn't know about it. She's there? I told the execs that I'd let them know when the workload was easier on you. Shit! Okay, so I guess you're going to be too busy for lunch?"

"Oh, no, you're not getting off so easily, Richard Castle. Be at Castiglia's at 11:30. Natalie wants to 'watch Nikki and Rook interface on a personal level'."

"I said I didn't know, Beckett. No one has called me – including you – since Thursday. By the way, we missed you at the play and at dinner afterwards. I told Martha a 'body had dropped' so don't worry about it. I'll see you at Castiglia's."

He hung up and Kate stared at the wall for a few seconds before hanging up on her end. Saturday! She'd forgotten all about the play and dinner for Martha's birthday because she'd found a few journal entries in one of the diaries her dad had given her and spent her Saturday and Sunday working on her murder board. She had her phone on the charger but hadn't bothered to check it.

She had two voicemails and 3 text messages from Rick.

* * *

><p>Castiglia's<p>

Kate parked a block from the restaurant and she and Nikki walked down the crowded sidewalk and Kate wished she'd worn something special instead of her standard black slacks and white turtleneck and boots. She pulled her coat around her and ignored the people who were stopping Rhodes to get autographs or pictures.

She glared at Rhodes and pointed to her watch and turned and hurried down the sidewalk, dodging fellow pedestrians. She was going to be late and hated it.

"Sorry about that but I guess you're used to it being with Rick and all. I should have worn my wig but I didn't think ahead. Sorry, Beckett."

"I'm not used to it. We don't go out much in public. There were pictures taken and…and I don't want to talk about it. We're late and I'm already in the doghouse with him."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that, Detective. He's so gone on you that I think it would take something like you being caught in bed with someone to make him even think about leaving you."

"And what makes you an expert on Richard Castle, Rhodes?" She didn't like the inference.

"Because I blatantly propositioned him and he told me 'no' although not in so few words. He's simply a one-woman guy and you're the lucky woman. I told him that you'd never know and he said 'but I would'."

Kate wanted to be mad at Rhodes but somehow couldn't muster the energy. Her 'a one-woman guy' comment had taken all the anger from her and left her feeling defenseless and guilty and she wished she could roll back the clock to Friday and spend the weekend with Rick and the family.

Rick was all smiles and kissed her chastely and then allowed Rhodes her one 'air kiss' before sitting back down. Kate held his hand on top of the table and said that she needed to talk with him and could he come back to the precinct for little while?

Lunch was not the stilted affair Kate had been afraid of. There was lively conversation although they'd been interrupted twice by people wanting autographs and Rick had just smiled and thanked the women for reading his books and resumed the conversation.

"Castle, don't you ever get tired of living in a fishbowl?", Kate asked him when Rhodes had gone to the ladies' room.

"It comes with the paycheck, Kate. Don't you get tired of dealing with the dregs of humanity? No, you don't and that's because you live for the job. I meant what I said to your dad, honey. Always remember that."

She started to apologize for skipping out on the weekend but Rhodes came back and she wasn't about to share her apology with her.

* * *

><p>The three were leaving the restaurant and walking out onto the sidewalk when a big man in a Burberry coat and fedora plowed into them, almost knocking Kate off her feet. He looked at her in recognition and mumbled a quick apology but Kate just stared at him as he walked away into the crowd but then cried out, "NYPD! Stop!" and pulled her weapon telling Castle "That's the man who threw acid in my face!"<p>

The man turned and pulled out a silenced pistol and shot twice but hit the wrong target. A woman screamed and fell down, blood spurting from a wound in her neck. Kate grabbed Natalie's hand and pushed it against the wound saying, "Keep pressure on it. Don't take your hand away or she'll die. I'm calling this in."

All this occurred in the space of three or four seconds. Castle was paralyzed for a brief few seconds and then took off after the man who'd tried to shoot Beckett. He was 15 yards behind him by this time but the crowd slowed them both down considerably.

Kate phoned in her report and a request for backup and an ambulance and then took off after Rick. She was terrified that Castle would catch up with the man and be killed. Her fear energized her and she was soon only 5 yards behind Castle but was unable to see the man they were chasing through the crowd.

Their suspect was heading for a subway station but stopped and turned, rested his pistol on his forearm and fired three more times at Castle but hit another innocent pedestrian in the chest. He turned around and sprinted across the street and onto a side street.

Castle was so intent on catching the man who threw acid in Beckett's face that he ignored the newest gunshot victim, crossing the street and weaving through the slowly moving traffic in hot pursuit. He'd felt a sting in his left arm, almost like a bee sting, but ignored it. He was gaining on the shooter and planned on beating him to death for what he'd done.

Beckett stopped to check on the second gunshot victim and was helped by a woman who said she was a nurse. Kate told her that an ambulance was en route and took off after Castle. She saw him cross the street only because of the patterned back of his WW2 Doolittle Bomber jacket. It was distinctive.

Kate weaved through the slow traffic and followed Rick up the side street. It was a one-way connector between the two major avenues in this part of the city and was lined with boutiques, shops and the obligatory bodega or two. She could see the shooter stop ahead and take aim at Castle and she saw the flash but didn't hear the sound of a gunshot and realized he was using a silencer.

Castle had counted the rounds fired after he first spotted the man's gun. It was a .22 caliber revolver with a silencer screwed onto the barrel. A part of his mind registered that the mob used hit men and they favored the .22 for 'close work'. It was small and lightweight but could still kill a man in the hands of a trained assassin. This guy had a lot of training.

The man in the dark Burberry coat smiled and stopped to catch his breath and end this chase. He had an appointment to keep and a man to kill. He took aim at his pursuer's head but then his cold smile turned to surprise when he pulled the trigger and the hammer fell on an empty chamber. He had lost count of his shots.

Castle plowed into the man and knocked him to the ground. They rolled off each other and got to their feet and began a deadly ballet of kicks and punches and blocks. Rick was tired and in the back of his mind he wished he'd spent more time running and less time at the heavy bag.

Kate was only five yards away and closing in fast when the shooter spun and jumped into a spin kick aimed at Castle's head. Time slowed and she felt she was watching a martial arts film as the man's coat flared around him like wings and Castle seemed to leap up and block the kick with a forearm and send a kick of his own into the chest of his opponent. Unlike a martial arts film, his opponent didn't bounce off a car and jump up and resume the fight. He stayed face down where he'd landed.

Castle dropped to his knees, clearly out of breath. Beckett saw he was just winded and took out her cuffs and slapped them on the unconscious man and then searched him for weapons and ID. She heard sirens approaching and then patrol cars and cops seemed to materialize and fill the street.

She stood and held up her shield and identified herself and Castle. She heard Natalie Rhodes calling her name in the distance behind her but her eyes were firmly fixed on the man who'd thrown acid in her face a dozen years before. He looked a little older but she'd dreamed of his face for years and she knew it like she knew her own.

Esposito and Ryan emerged from the crowd of officers and gawkers and approached their boss. "You okay, Beckett? We heard the 'shots fired' broadcast and knew you were having lunch with the boyfriend and your doppelganger and figured you two were in trouble again."

Ryan walked over to where Castle was still kneeling and reached down and grabbed his upper arm to help him up.

"You kicked ass today, old man. Let me give you a hand up."

Rick yelped in surprise and pain and shook off Ryan's hand. The adrenalin rush was gone and his arm felt like someone had hit him with a hammer. He didn't remember taking a hit during the fight but figured it must be badly bruised.

Kate's fear for Castle turned into anger at how reckless he'd been. He had chased after an armed gunman with nothing but his fighting skills and she let him know just how stupid he was and how he could have been killed and how she couldn't live without him, ending it all with a crushing hug that made Castle wince and groan.

"You're hurt! Let's get you to a paramedic and then you and I are going to discuss why you shouldn't go running after an armed man. Yes, you kicked his ass but if he'd had one more bullet in that pistol…"

"I just took a whack to the arm during the fight. Probably just a deep muscle bruise."

He didn't want to argue. He was just too damned tired.

"Look, I couldn't let him get away. He's the one who hurt you, Kate, and I knew you had to take care of the shooting vic so I just chased him down. Can we talk about this later in private? I'm not twenty anymore, baby, and I'm still out of breath and a little dizzy. Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine when I get you alone. Stay with me tonight, Rick. I've got something to show you. And I want to just hold onto you. I was so scared and…" She wanted to just hug him and drag him back to her apartment but she had a job to do and an image to maintain.

Castle leaned back against a parked car and Kate said 'to hell with the image' to herself and slipped her arms around him and hugged him. She could feel the rapid beating of his heart and it was a comfort to her.

Natalie Rhodes made her way through the crowd and the line of officers pointing to Beckett and saying, "I'm with Beckett and Castle." She waved one bloody hand at the officer and pushed past him.


	21. Chapter 21

She Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man

_Castle leaned back against a parked car and Kate thought 'to hell with the image' and slipped her arms around him and hugged him, letting her face rest against his chest. She could feel the rapid beating of his heart and it was a comfort to her._

_Natalie Rhodes made her way through the crowd and the line of officers pointing to Beckett and saying, "I'm with Beckett and Castle." She waved one bloody hand at the officer and pushed past him._

Chapter 21

Esposito and Ryan were transporting the suspect back to the 12th for interrogation, booking and arraignment. Esposito shoved the man into the back of a patrol car and told the officer, a rookie named Turner, to follow Ryan's car back to the station house. Esposito got in the back seat with the shooter and Mirandized him and then started asking questions but he got no response.

"Take the park road and stop near the bridal paths and take a hike, Turner. I need some quiet time with my friend here. We have things to discuss."

Turner twisted around in his seat and gave the older detective a 'what the fuck?' look but said nothing. He might have only been at the precinct 7 months but he knew Esposito by reputation. "Yes, sir, the park road. I think I need to find a men's room."

* * *

><p>Back on the street, Kate and Natalie were talking about the events, well, Natalie was going on and on and finally Kate just asked her to be quiet.<p>

"Natalie, shut up. Tell me about the woman I left you with?" She needed to talk about the shootings, not Natalie's impression of how Nikki Heat would have handled things. Nikki Heat was fictional. The woman with the bleeding throat was a real person.

"She died. The paramedics said her carotid had been torn and there was nothing I could have done. She – she looked at me with huge eyes and tried to talk and then she was gone, Beckett, just gone."

There were tears in her eyes and Kate felt a moment of guilt for how she'd treated her. This was all new to her and she was torn between bewilderment and being excited.

"There was nothing you could have done, Natalie. She was minutes away from dying the moment she hit the sidewalk. I knew it and I think she probably knew it. At least she had someone there with her, even if it was a stranger."

Natalie looked up at Castle who hadn't said a word. He looked pale and was sweating in 40 degree weather and his eyes seemed unfocused.

"Hey, Rick, you okay? You look like you're going to pass out on us." She tried for the right tone of voice – concern but friendly joking – but it fell flat.

"Castle, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?" Kate had stepped away from him when Rhodes barged in and she was 'Detective Beckett' now and needed to process the crime scene and get organized and back to the precinct. She had a murderer to interrogate.

He nodded and looked around for somewhere to sit.

"Natalie, take Castle over to the paramedics and have him checked out. That was a pretty intense fight and I can see a bruise forming under his eye. I have to get this scene secured or I'd do it. If he's okay, drop Castle off at home and I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Just then she heard her name called and saw Captain Montgomery waving her over and so she pecked a kiss on Castle's cheek and went to speak with her boss.

* * *

><p>Natalie helped Rick over to the ambulance parked at the other end of the street from where Beckett and her boss were talking. He seemed to stumble a bit and she tightened her grip on his right arm and helped him onto the bumper of the ambulance.<p>

A paramedic came over and said, "Who do we have here?" with a leer and a glance at Natalie's breasts and she pointed to him and bit out, "He was the guy who took out the shooter and he's sweating and his eyes seem weird and unfocused. Beckett wanted you to check him out if you're done checking _me _out."

The paramedic looked guilty and then asked Castle how he was feeling and if he hurt anywhere.

"Took a punch to the left bicep and it's probably just a muscle bruise but it hurts like hell. And I took a shot to the left cheek and it's numb and I think I'm gonna have a black eye but other than…" He passed out.

"Castle!" Natalie grabbed him as he fell towards her and the paramedic called to his partner for help. Between them they got Castle up and into the back of the ambulance and onto a collapsed gurney.

They called in the situation to the hospital base station and received simple instructions. The driver motioned for Rhodes to get out but she shook her head and said, "I'm with him. I'm staying with him."

The driver closed the double doors and then drove off towards University Presbyterian, their base station for dispatch.

"Oh, shit!" The paramedic had taken off Rick's bomber jacket and Natalie saw the blood that began spurting across the paramedic's chest. He fixed a pressure dressing on his bicep and then ran another IV into the existing port and yelled up to his partner that "we have a bleeder here". Natalie thought she could feel the big rig begin to accelerate and the sudden warbling of sirens startled her as they passed through intersections.

"Don't worry. I've seen a hundred gunshot wounds like this. It's just a surprise since I didn't see any evidence of bleeding."

Natalie picked up Castle's jacket and hugged it to her. She was an actor not a nurse or EMT and she'd already seen her fill of blood and death in the real world in the space of thirty minutes.

"Hey, don't you dare pass out on me! Don't look at it if you can't handle it. I can't handle two patients by myself and this guy needs my attention." Gone was the lecher who'd checked her out. In his place was a young professional with no time for hysteria. She shouldn't even be in the back of the bus.

Castle regained his wits enough to pull off the oxygen mask and grab Natalie by the sleeve of her jacket and tell her that his cell was in his inside pocket. "Use speed dial one for Beckett. Tell her not to worry. Tell her…" He was out again.

Natalie reached into his bomber jacket and tugged out an iPhone but it was ruined. A small caliber bullet was imbedded in the screen. She held it up and showed it to the EMT.

"Hang on to that. He'll probably want it as a souvenir. Lucky bastard. Probably saved him some hospital time."

She couldn't call Beckett without the number and she couldn't call his family. All this would have to wait until they got to the hospital.

Natalie had folded Castle's jacket over her arm and something felt – squishy – in the sleeve and she shoved her hand into it and jerked it out like she'd touched something evil. Blood. Her hand was coated with his blood.

"Hey! His sleeve lining is saturated with blood!"

She wiped the palm of her hand off on her pants leg and wondered just what the hell she was doing running around behind those two. She made herself a promise to call her agent and find out if she had any recourse to the studio's demand that she 'shadow' Beckett. She felt a lot more comfortable on a sound stage than a crime scene.

"Yeah, that's a normal side effect of a compromised major vein or artery or did you flunk basic biology at 'Actors School'?" He'd had it with her. She had no business being in the bus. He had his hands full just keeping his patient stable. He didn't need an hysterical actor fucking up his shift.

* * *

><p>Central Park<br>Near the Bridal Paths

Officer Turner zipped up his fly and looked at his watch. He'd given Detective Esposito enough time or so he thought and he walked slowly back to the patrol car to continue on to the 12th Precinct. He didn't want to know what had happened in his unit while he was taking a whiz. Ignorance was bliss.

Esposito removed the needle from his prisoner's elbow joint and wiped it clean on the dirtbag's pant leg. He rolled down the window to get a breath of fresh air. The smell of vomit almost made him sick but he was sickened more by what he'd extracted from the suspect.

Turner opened his car door and leaned in and then stepped back, gagging. The suspect had vomited and the smell…

"He got car sick, that's all. Let's get a move on. Traffic was a real bitch and I guess between the fumes and the start/stop of traffic, he got sick. Sorry about the mess, Turner, but don't worry. I take care of my friends. Isn't that right, Mr. Coonan?"

* * *

><p>12th Precinct.<p>

Kate had called Rick's cell twice since turning the crime scene management over to the Captain. It went to voicemail. She was starting to hyperventilate and needed to calm down and center herself. He was with Rhodes and probably just shaken up by the fight.

Coffee. She needed coffee.

Ryan was on the phone with Esposito asking him basically 'Where the hell are you, Javier?' and getting a bullshit answer in response.

Kate caught the tale-end of the conversation and looked at Kevin with a raised eyebrow that said more than she wanted it to.

"Esposito's pulling in now. The suspect got sick and they got caught in traffic. He'll be here any minute now. Oh, yeah, Esposito said he Mirandized the guy in front of Officer Turner so you won't have to worry about any technicalities ruining this. I's dotted and T's crossed as always."

She was finishing up her coffee when she heard the elevator 'ding' and walked out into the bullpen. She saw Esposito hauling the man down the corridor to the interrogation room.

Their suspect looked up at her and for the third time in her life, Kate Beckett stared into the eyes of the man who had disfigured her so long ago. She took a deep breath and followed Esposito and their suspect into interrogation.

She could do this. This was no different than any other interrogation. Forget about the acid burning her skin and her screams. Forget about the pain and agony. Concentrate on organizing the evidence against him and getting a confession.

Her personal issues were relegated to a place in the back of her mind.

'_Where are you, Castle? I need you!'_


	22. Chapter 22

Short but I have to be somewhere but didn't want you all wallowing in anticipation of some massive physical trauma maiming Castle.

* * *

><p>She Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man<p>

Chapter 22

Westside Emergency Clinic

They wanted to transfer him for admission to Mercy West but he put his foot down and said 'No' rather loudly. The .22 caliber bullet had passed through the 'fleshy' part of his upper arm, tearing a minor vessel as it made it's way almost out the other side.

It had been lodged less than ¼ inch under the skin and the ER doctor made an incision and dropped into an evidence bag that Rick conveniently had in the pocket of his jacket along with two pairs of latex gloves.

After several stitches, a long-overdue tetanus booster and an injection of antibiotics, he was good to go but Dr. Do-gooder, who looked to be a year or two older than Alexis, had other ideas and wanted him admitted for 'observation'.

He signed his paperwork, gave them his insurance information and walked slowly out of the ER treatment area in search of Nikki Heat. The EMT had swung by to check on him before leaving on another run and had filled Rick in on how Natalie was still in the bathroom frantically washing blood, real and imagined, from her hands.

He banged on the ladies' room door and told her to get her ass in gear or he'd leave her to do her Lady Macbeth imitation while he returned to the precinct.

Natalie was the very image of contrition when she walked out and saw Castle leaning against the wall with his arm in a blue sling and his jacket half on.

They caught a cab and finally made it back to the precinct. Natalie had helped him out of the cab while carrying on a constant stream of commentary about the afternoon.

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

"Natalie, shut the hell up. You need to calm down and…"

He thought about it and continued in a nicer tone. "You need to calm down, center yourself, let the experience soak in and use it to play Nikki Heat the way I know you can. This, after all, is the very essence of the 'immersion acting method' you follow, right?"

"You're so right, Castle. Yes! That's exactly what I need to do – absorb the experience, let it ooze into my very being and – "

"Exactly. Now, when we get upstairs, I need you to do two things for me. Can you do that? Will you?"

"Anything, Rick, and I mean _any_thing."

"Get me a cup of coffee and then go sit at Beckett's desk and write out a statement of everything you did or saw from the moment we left the restaurant until we got off the elevator, okay?"

"Yeah, sure. It'll be part of my immersion. Thanks, Rick! You really know your stuff!" She was now happy as a pig in a wallow and sat down and began writing, totally forgetting his coffee.

Castle was glad she finally had something to do other than hang on his every movement or word. It was really annoying. All he wanted was to find Kate and make sure she wasn't alone when interrogating her attacker.

"Yo, Castle! Where have you been? Beckett's about ready to tear Coonan's face off. You need to ask her to take a break and look at what we've put together so far. It's – it's frightening, Castle, how far this shit goes up the ladder. We're going to have to be very careful in the future."

"Ryan, I'd kill for a cup of coffee but I need to see her, Kev. Is she – is she in there alone? She shouldn't be."

"Nah, Esposito's in with her. She's too close, Castle, and she needs to step back and take a deep breath. He killed someone this afternoon and he shot another and he's in critical condition. He's not going to walk away."

"Make that 'he shot _two_ people' and only one's in critical condition." He raised his sling as evidence.

Ryan followed him into the break room and they both got coffee and sat at a table. Rick pulled the evidence bag from his jacket pocket and handed it to Kevin who whistled when he saw the iPhone with the imbedded .22 caliber 'accessory'.

"Man, Rick, just – you are the luckiest sumbitch I ever met. What's with the sling? It can't be too bad if you're here and not in the hospital – wait – you left, didn't you? Beckett's going to crap her pants and then smack the hell out of you. She worries, man. She cares about you."

"Well, since we're getting married some day I would hope so." He tried to make light of the conversation. He didn't want it getting back to Kate that he'd checked out AMA. She'd hurt him when he was feeling better.

Ryan stood and put his hand on Castle's shoulder forcing him to remain seated. "I'll go check on them and see if she wants to take a break. They've been going at it for almost two hours. We're waiting on his file from Central Archives but from what we pulled from the computer database, he's got a lot of history and not a single damned conviction."

Rick just nodded. He was tired. Bone tired. The pain pills were in his jacket pocket but he just couldn't muster up the energy to dig around for them. It wasn't that bad.

He'd never been shot before. His arm throbbed but it wasn't all that bad. His ribs hurt where the cell phone had slammed against his chest but it was funny. He hadn't felt a damned thing until they started digging around for the bullet.

* * *

><p>Interrogation Room #4<p>

"I need a break, Esposito. See if you can find a clean shirt for our guest and get him cleaned up. I don't enjoy staring at his lunch while he lies and deflects my questions. I'll bring you a cup of coffee as a reward."

She smiled at Esposito but it didn't reach her eyes. The look she shot Coonan would have killed bacteria in a Petrie dish 20 feet away. He just looked through her and that was pissing her off and so she needed a break.

Ryan was in the observation room and moved to intercept her but he was too late. She'd already spotted Natalie Rhodes sitting in Castle's chair writing furiously on a legal pad and headed towards her.

"Natalie, I told you to stay with Castle. What are you doing?" She glared at the woman who was sitting in _his_ chair.

"I'm doing what he told me to do. I'm making a statement. Look, don't get on his ass about it but he checked himself out AMA because he thought you needed him. He's in the break room with Ryan and he's really beat."

"Wha – checked himself out of where exactly, Natalie?"

"The ER. They wanted to transfer him to some hospital but I didn't catch the name. Should I put that in my statement too? He told me to write down everything from when we left the restaurant until we got off the elevator."

She was talking to Beckett's back. She made a beeline for the break room. What had he done to himself? Had he hurt his knee again? Was he all right?

Ryan finally caught up with her and made her stop and listen. She hardly heard a word he said after he handed her Castle's 'evidence bag' and she saw a mushroomed bullet in gauze and his cell phone with it's unauthorized accessory.

"Process this." She pushed the bag into Ryan's hands and almost ran to the break room. She opened the door and saw him sitting at the table looking tired and worn. The bruise under his eye had swollen and he would sport a beautiful shiner the next morning.

"Hey, Kate! Coffee?" He could see he was about to get a personal serving of 'Beckett's wrath' and he was mentally preparing himself for her telling him to go home and forget about her. She was twisting the engagement ring around on her finger – a definite sign that she was making a personal decision. He was afraid she was going to break off the engagement.

She wanted to throw herself into his arms but they were in the Precinct. She wanted to take him home and baby him. She wanted to wrap him up in bubble wrap so nothing would ever hurt him again.

"Rick, let's get married. Too many times…too many times…" She started to cry. Big bad Kate Beckett, Scourge of the 12 Precinct, the 'real' Nikki Heat, knelt down beside him on the floor and put her head on his leg and cried.

Somehow she ended up sitting on his lap with her face buried in his neck. She was an emotional wreck. Finding Coonan but almost losing Rick was like an ice water enema.

They didn't have all the time in the world to 'get it right'. They didn't have a guarantee of many tomorrows. All they had was today and she was not going to piss it all away just for the sake of 'closure'.

There would be time enough for that later. And if there wasn't, then they'd make the most of the time they did have – together.


	23. Chapter 23

Greetings from Progresso, Mexico. Camille and I have escaped the cold via air and are enjoying the 78 degree weather and the SUN. There is wifi here at the hotel but we're driving north to find a rental on the beach so don't know if/when you'll hear from us again.

In case you haven't glommed on to what I'm doing – I'm trying anti-angst for a bit. Every time the situation becomes untenable and that canon Beckett or canon Castle would break down in to tears or tear someone a new rectal orifice, I go the other way. BUT you can't have flowers without the occasional rain, can you?

* * *

><p>She Learned the Truth at 17 by Oldest Man<p>

Chapter 23

Esposito took over the interrogation with Ryan and Beckett took Rick home just as she'd promised herself. Neither of them was particularly in the mood for hot and heavy sex but more for just holding on to each other and appreciating the value each brought into the other's life.

Unfortunately, life had gone down another pathway and the precinct had been surrounded by TV remote units and cameras and talking bungholes who shouted questions and tried to impede their path to Beckett's patrol unit.

"Kate, did you ever ask Roy about the Ferrari?" It was just a random thought that popped out. He thought of the strangest things at the most inopportune times. I'm trying to shield my cheek from the camera and he's thinking about giving me the Ferrari.

She glanced at him to see if he was serious and then laughed out loud. "Rick, I've been kinda busy, y'know? I'll ask him tomorrow, I promise."

She opened the door for him and when he was seated, reached across him and buckled his seat belt. He'd managed to mutter a 'thanks' into her hair before she slammed the door and waved to the newsies.

"I need to buy a new phone, Kate. The old one was broken in the fight so don't call or text me 'cause I won't be able to answer, babe."

"Okay. But tomorrow. We'll buy you a new one tomorrow. I'm not letting you out of my sight until we do so there'll be no need to 'call or text Kate'. You'll just have to roll over and whisper whatever you need to say into my ear."

She saw the iPhone with the bullet imbedded in its glass screen in her mind's eye and shuddered. Something so innocuous as a cellular telephone had played such a huge part in their lives.

"Kate, you okay? Want me to drive?" She shook the image from her head and leaned over and ran her fingers through his hair. "I'm fine. Better than fine, even."

* * *

><p>The scene at the precinct was repeated in front of the apartment building. The doorman ran interference for the couple as they walked briskly inside and to the bank of elevators. She hadn't let go of his hand since they got out of the car so she supposed the shouted 'Are you a couple?' was answered subtly.<p>

Castle couldn't reach his keys that were in his left pants pocket so Kate dug in and pulled them out although not without a bit of wandering.

"Kate, that's not my key – " but stopped when she just giggled and pulled out the keys and opened the loft door.

"Martha, Alexis, we're home…" was all she got out before Martha and Alexis swept them up into hugs.

"It's all over the news, dear, about how you caught the man who threw acid in your face. What an ordeal for you, Kate. Come, have some wine and tell us all about it." She led Kate by the arm over to the couch but Kate stopped her and whispered something in her ear and she whirled around and grabbed her son by the ear.

"Apples! Damn it, Mother, stop that." He shook her arm off and glared at Kate who just sat primly on the couch surrounded by an air of innocence.

"Take off your jacket this instant and let me see what you've done to yourself this time! Honestly, Richard, you're almost 40…turn in your cape and hood and retire the Batmobile and settle down with a nice girl who has prospects…"

She turned to Kate who was sitting less comfortably on the couch now, ruing her whispers to Martha.

"Do you know of any girls who might fit the bill, my dear?" There was that damned twinkle in her eye again and Kate relaxed and decided to play along.

"Well, there's Karpowski, a detective with a good pension, and then there's Magda in Records, and Jarvis, you remember Jarvis, don't you honey, with the big…" She held her cupped hands out about a foot from her chest.

"Well, if you're serious, there's Natalie Rhodes, Detective. After today, we share an intense and emotional bond…" He looked to be serious in his comment.

Kate was sorry that she let it go this far or this long. She tamped down the jealousy-driven urge to run out and leave him to explain the day. She was off the couch and in his face in a split second.

"Listen, _Kitten_, I meant what I said in the break room." She turned to Martha and simply stated, "We're getting married – the sooner, the better, and I'll need your help in organizing a **small** affair, Martha, and…"

Alexis let out a girly shriek and Martha was all smiles.

* * *

><p>Castle wandered back to his study and quietly closed the door. Now he knew the derivation of the term 'hen party'. Those three were cackling like chickens in a worm bed and he had slipped away unnoticed. He poured himself 3 fingers of Scotch into a glass tumbler and sat down at his desk. It had been one hell of a day and he was suddenly feeling his age.<p>

He opened his browser and reviewed his emails and then sent one to Richard Young asking for a progress report on the autopsy file he'd sent him and answered a few from acquaintances and Gina and then finished his drink and closed his laptop.

_'Married? Well, they say the third time's the charm. I wonder if she'll take my name or keep her own? Doesn't matter a bit. It's only a name. I've got the girl.'_

He dozed off in his chair, tired from the day, cradled in a Vicodin-Scotch embrace and that's how Kate found him an hour later when it occurred to everyone that he was 'missing in action'. Kate excused herself and went in search of the elusive Rick.

At first she thought he might have gone up to their room and taken a nap but he wasn't there and he wasn't in the bathroom soaking in a tub so that left the only place in the loft he might have wandered off to: his study.

* * *

><p>The door was ajar and she almost laughed out loud at what she found.<p>

He was sitting upright, asleep, his mouth curled in a slight smile.

Kate knelt down next to him and shook his knee. "Hey, sleeping beauty, time to wake up and join the family. Have you been asleep the whole time?"

He jerked awake and frowned, his mind still in his dream and he wanted so badly to go back to it. They were so happy and the baby…

"Um, Kate! I must have dozed off. Sorry. Yeah, let's go join the clan and…are you hungry? What time is it." He looked out the full window at the city in dusk. How long had he slept?

"We're debating dinner right now, honey. That's when we realized you weren't on the couch any longer. Are you in pain? Don't try the he-man role on me, Richard Castle. If you're in pain, take a pill. That's what they're for."

"Um, no, just waking up. Food sounds good. I think I threw up lunch but it's kind of foggy. Anything from the precinct? How's the interrogation going? More importantly, how are _you_, Kate? How are you handling it?"

"I'm fine. Really. Esposito called and said the arraignment's been pushed through and Coonan's been remanded without bail. The other shooting victim passed away so he's been booked with two counts of murder in the first degree and attempted murder - yours. Any more questioning will be done out at Riker's Island. He never asked for an attorney but we have Officer Turner's statement that he was properly Mirandized so we're in the clear there. No technicalities to trip us up."

She took a look at him, a really close look and still liked what she saw. The eye was now less swollen but turning a purplish color and when she took his injured hand in hers, it was warm and that was good considering the potential damage to nerves and circulation.

She looked at him with those enormous eyes of hers and he waited patiently for her to speak because he knew her so well. The look was prelude to the conversation she was rehearsing in her head.

When she finally spoke to him, it was in a small, almost whispering voice and he had to concentrate to hear her words.

"I almost lost you today, Rick. I meant everything I said in the break room. I want to just dive into life with you but I'm afraid. Isn't that a crock of crap after all we've been through together?"

He knew it was a rhetorical question and that she wasn't done yet so he kept his mouth shut and just looked at her face as it colored with the stress of the emotions she was trying so hard to suppress – or maybe express.

"I'm afraid you'll tire of me and my neediness and the demands of the job. I'm afraid that someday I'll come home and you'll be gone, pushed away by the darkness I bring home with me. I'm afraid that someday you'll find someone who is better than me, with a face you won't be ashamed of in public, someone who brings home the light at the end of the day and not the darkness I do. I'm afraid - "

Rick was done listening to her and pulled her, one-armed, up and onto his lap. He wasn't sure just what he felt at that moment but he couldn't allow her fears to fester and drive her away and they would if they didn't deal with them.

She leaned in against chest and he put his good arm around her and brought the other to her damaged cheek and just stroked it lightly with his fingertips. She tried to turn her head but he palmed her cheek and forced her to look up at him.

"Kate, I'm afraid all the time, too. I'm afraid you'll rethink this whole marriage thing and look at my abysmal track record and just shake your head and say 'No, I'm not marrying him'. I'm afraid that I'll get a call from Esposito or Ryan or Captain Montgomery telling me that you won't be home for dinner – ever. I'm afraid that some morning you'll wake up and realize you loved me once but not anymore and you'll leave me."

She started to rebut everything he said but he pressed his fingers against her lips and stopped her.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are. You'll never have to worry about me being ashamed to have you by my side anywhere, ever. If you're that hung up on the scarring, we'll have a plastics guy look at it if you want. As for bringing home the darkness, Kate, you bring light into my life and it's so welcome after the long darkness. I'm going to shut up now because if I can't convince you of how much I love you…"

"Shh, I know. You show me constantly and don't even know it. I'm just feeling vulnerable and I guess I'm tired. As for waking up some morning and not being in love with you – I can't guarantee the future but I can't ever see that happening. You make me too damned happy, Castle, just to be alive. Now, I'm hungry. Let's join the rest of the family and eat."

Later that night, after the others had gone to bed, Kate woke Rick saying, "We have to talk."

* * *

><p>They talked until almost 2am when she realized that she had to be at the precinct in 6 hours and that he'd had a rough time of it and was probably forcing himself to stay awake and attentive. He always seemed to manage to make her feel guilty for just being himself.<p>

Kate showered, put on the same clothes from the day before, kissed her still-sleeping fiancée and then walked out of the loft. She drove to her own apartment and changed clothes and went in to the precinct intent on continuing her interrogation of Coonan.

Captain Montgomery was already in his office and beckoned her to join him after she got her coffee.

"Beckett, I'm assigning the Coonan case to Karpowski and her partner." He held up a hand stopping any comment she might make. He had something to say and he didn't want to listen to her objections.

"You are a victim and we can't have you testifying on anything learned after today. Karpowski's the lead but Esposito and Ryan will be assisting her. You'll have full access to the information but you will not participate. Your board has two outstanding cases open and that's where your attention needs to be. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. I understand and I've been expecting it. I'll just concentrate on the open cases and getting married. That's a full plate."

Montgomery blinked in surprise but then his smile lit up the room. "Married? To _Castle?_"

"Yes, who else? I'll want a month off, sir. A week before the wedding and three weeks for the honeymoon. Oh, and I need to change my insurance and medical and put in a change of address effective today."

"Katherine, I am so happy for you and the Hermit." He frowned. He didn't mean to mention Castle's nickname. It really didn't apply any longer. Beckett had drawn the man out of his shell and he was happy for them both.

"Yes, thank you. The Hermit? Not any more. So, I guess I'd better get busy reviewing the files on Coonan and then write up my report. Castle will be in later to make a statement. Oh, Natalie Rhodes wrote up a statement also."

"You mean the 23 pages of run on sentences, misspelled words, dangling participles, complete with marginal notes about how the scene should be shot? That statement…oh, Beckett, it reads like cheap trash."

"Well, she's an actor, Captain, not a…a…oh, never mind. I'll read it and try to keep a straight…what the hell!"

Natalie Rhodes stepped off the elevator in tight leather pants with matching high-heeled boots, a red leather jacket that cost 10 times what Kate's knock-off did and she'd dyed her hair the exact same shade as Kate's and even had a trim so that she looked exactly like Kate. But no one could mistake her for Kate. She _was_ Nikki Heat, just as Castle had envisioned he when he penned _Naked __Heat_.

"See what I mean, Beckett? I think _that_", meaning Natalie Rhodes, "speaks for itself. No further explanation needed. Man, I have _got_ to see that movie."


	24. Chapter 24

Greetings from Progreso. It's 88 and partly cloudy. We went to Chichen Itza yesterday and spent the night. You just can't appreciate the pyramids and the surroundings in one day. Tomorrow we're just going to recuperate and catch some sun. Friday's fishing off shore provided it doesn't rain.

This is just something to keep ya'll interested or give the haters something to B!tch about.

She Learned the Truth at 17

Chapter 24

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Castle woke up and saw that Kate's side of the bed was empty. Running the palm of his hand across the smooth sheet told him that she'd been up and gone for some time. The sheet was cold but he could smell her scent on his palm. It was 8:30 and he had to get to the precinct and get his statement down and on the record before he could do much of anything else.

He started to stretch his arms above his head when his stitches tugged and physically reminded him of the previous day. Apparently he'd 'lost' the sling sometime during the night and between sleeping with his arm unsupported as he'd been instructed _not__to__do,_and his unwitting stretching of damaged tissue and skin, Castle felt the need for a pain pill to start off his day.

He cleaned himself up enough to be presentable in public, pulled jeans on, one-handed, and carefully put on a white button-down dress shirt and drank his morning coffee (Bless you, Kate Beckett), pulled on a warm leather jacket and walked out the front door and down to the parking garage.

He got into his Ferrari, fully intending to surprise Kate and hand her the keys when he left to go to his meeting with Paula, and realized that he couldn't drive it one-handed wearing a sling. His desire to please his future wife weighed against the pain he'd incur but hell, her smile would take away any discomfort he might feel.

* * *

><p>He parked in a reserved parking spot and put on the sling, figuring she'd give him hell if he showed up without it, and strolled into the precinct and greeted the desk sergeant with a smile and told him about his car and why it shouldn't be towed away.<p>

"Sure thing, Castle. I'll let the day watch know. Beckett's going to be one pleasant detective to be around for the next few days." He grinned conspiratorially.

"Better be more than a _few_ days, Marcus. It's a _Ferrari_, for God's sake, not a…_Volkswagon_!"

* * *

><p>Kate was sitting at her desk trying not to laugh at Natalie Rhodes sprawling epic of the events of yesterday afternoon and didn't hear the 'ding' of the elevator or see Castle get off the elevator and walk into the break room.<p>

Rick saw Kate standing at the coffee urn and since they were alone in the break room, 'Evil Ricky' surfaced.

He walked up behind her, put his good arm around her and nuzzled her neck and then placed a wet kiss at the one spot he knew she couldn't resist.

"Mmm, I don't know who you are, but if you don't stop that in an hour, I'm calling a cop."

It took less than a second for him to assimilate two things: her hair smelled like vanilla and unless she'd gotten a boob job since 2am – this was not Kate Beckett!

He leaped backwards and stumbled over a chair and landed, as fate would have it, on his injured arm and let out a groan. Natalie turned and started to laugh until she saw the pain etched on Castle's face and she rushed over to help him up.

"Not a word, Natalie. Not one damned word. You look like…like Nikki Heat and from behind, Kate. Not one word to her." His breathing seemed labored and Natalie wanted to get Beckett but waited until Castle seemed more in control.

"I'll get Kate for you, Rick. Just sit there. You know, I'm flattered that you think I'm Nikki Heat. I hope this outfit is Nikki. I think it is."

"Yeah, well, don't be surprised in the guys line up to ogle. Just don't give in to your baser instincts, Natalie. This is a police station and these guys are all horny cops. Stick close to Beckett. Remember the Immersion method we talked about?"

She was Nikki Heat as he'd written and envisioned her in his mind. Part of him was tickled but a larger part was wondering just how closely people would identify Nikki Heat, the movie character, with Kate Beckett, NYPD Homicide Detective?

"I'll go get Beckett for you. You just stay right where you are, Rick. I saw the look on your face. You probably tore some stitches or something."

"No! I'm fine. I just need to catch my breath. Do you know if Captain Montgomery is in today?" He wanted to nag at Kate about the Ferrari. He had this image in his mind of his girlfriend arriving at crime scenes and climbing out of it, her long legs and boots appearing first and…

* * *

><p>"Castle, Natalie said you fell! Let me see your arm, sweetie. Help me take off your jacket." Kate had come running when Natalie interrupted her and said that 'Castle fell on his injured arm and…' and that was all she heard. He looked a little dazed sitting on the chair at the table.<p>

"Did you hit your head, Rick? You look a little dazed." He hadn't responded when she first came into the break room. He was just staring at the coffee machine.

He blinked at her and a slow smile formed and he whispered, "I can't wait to see you pull up at a crime scene in the Ferrari, Kate. You'll look sooo good stepping out of it, your long legs…"

She had to smile although she would have been embarrassed if anyone else had heard the wistfulness in his voice. Sometimes he was just such a…guy.

"Well, if you want these long and silky smooth limbs anywhere near you, you'll take off the damned jacket and let me see what you've done to yourself now, Castle!"

"Aw, Beckett, it's nothing. I just slipped on Natalie's spilled coffee. It's no big deal, Kate. Quit smothering me, will ya? Let's go talk to Roy about the Ferrari. I got an endorsement issued so you're covered by insurance and the city's indemnified if you go all postal on some bad guy's ass in a hot pursuit."

"First, your arm, Castle, then your statement and then, if you haven't hurt yourself too badly and your statement makes sense, unlike Rhodes', then I'll talk to the Captain. I'm off the Coonan case but still in the loop. I need your help on the Models' case. It's dead in the water."

"Kate, they can't do that to you! That guy threw acid in your face and I'll bet my next two royalty checks that he knows more about this than you were told."

"Rick, we'll talk about it at home, not here." She cupped her ear and raised an eyebrow. Castle may have been in pain but his brain was whirling with the inference of her gesture. He rubbed his finger down the side of his nose like he'd seen once in a movie and Kate laughed and nodded and then helped him off with his jacket and then the sling.

"Oh, shit, Castle. Look what you've done to yourself now! You've torn some stitches and ruined your shirt. Bloodstains don't come out of oxford cloth shirts. I liked this shirt. It's just like the blue one under my pillow. Maybe Lanie can repair the damage without a trip to the ER again. We don't have time for this, Rick. You need to be more careful when you're not channeling Rick Rogers."

He wasn't listening. He was remembering Kate in just his shirt, buttons barely hanging on by a thread and her long naked legs hooked around the bar stool as she drank her coffee that wonderful morning.

She snapped her fingers in front of his face to get his attention and he looked up at her and smiled. "I like the blue one, too. Especially when you're in it and wearing absolutely nothing else like that…"

"Shh. That's between us. It's not for this place. Don't sully it with the shit that happens here, okay? Let's get you to Lanie. I think she can add a few stitches."

"No, it's okay, really. Um, morgues work with the dead and they don't need anesthetics, do they? No, I'll be fine. I've had worse. No, really, Kate…"

* * *

><p>Lanie made soothing noises and sounds as she sewed up the incision the surgeon had made to remove the small bullet from Castle's arm. He'd torn all the stitches and Lanie knew that if Beckett hadn't been there holding his hand that he'd probably have just walked away and lived with it, not that she blamed him.<p>

Castle had been right. They did not stock topical or IM anesthetics. The dead feel no pain although Lanie always treated them with respect even when stitching up the 'Y' incisions. It was the final humiliation and she strove to reduce it even if they'd never know about it.

"All done, Rick. Get Kate to buy you a sucker for being such a brave little boy."

"Thanks, Lanie. What do I owe ya?" He was joking, of course. Kate got a text and said, "Got to go talk to the captain. See you upstairs, Castle," and left.

Castle's eyes followed her out of the morgue but his attention focused on Lanie when she mentioned that there was something he could do for her.

"Well, there _is_ something…", her dark brown eyes sought out his. He could see a pleading in them.

"Anything, Doc. You just name it."

"Find out why Esposito suddenly has this crying need to be anywhere I'm not? If I show up at a crime scene and he's there, he's suddenly off to do canvassing. If I'm there first, he either avoids me or sends Ryan for the particulars. He's…cool and professional around me and it's bugging the ever-lovin' crap outta me, Castle. I thought…"

"I'll nose around and see what I can find out for ya. Maybe it's nothing more than your imagination. Gimme a couple of days and I'll let you know. I'm sure it's nothing more than Esposito being professional when you two are on the clock."

"He won't return my calls at night. We're not on the clock at night. Something's up with him and he won't even talk to me about it. He just says 'it's nothing to worry about, chica' and either changes the subject or walks off."

"I'll talk to him, okay? I'm sure it's nothing more than the job getting to him. The Models' case is a bugger and then he got Coonan dumped on him…it's a lot to take on."

* * *

><p>On the 4th floor, Kate knocked on the Captain's door. "You wanted to see me, Sir?" Esposito was sitting in the visitor's chair and was looking out the window. His badge and gun were on the Captain's desk.<p>

Roy Montgomery stood up and laid a hand on Esposito's shoulder and said to Beckett, "See if you can talk some sense into Detective Esposito and get him to take back his badge and gun."


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Last one for a bit. Heading into unknown territory without a guide or a map.

Enjoy.

OM

* * *

><p>She Learned the Truth at 17<p>

Chapter 25

_Roy Montgomery stood up and laid a hand on Esposito's shoulder and said to Beckett, "See if you can talk some sense into Detective Esposito and get him to take back his badge and gun."_

_The Captain walked out of the office and quietly closed the door to give both detectives some privacy._

* * *

><p>"Javier, you can't quit! You love your job and you're so damned good at it. Have you talked to Ryan about it at all? Or Lanie?" She was running through all the things that had happened in the past few days trying to get a handle on her partner's mindset.<p>

"I read somewhere that people who hunt monsters have to be very careful they don't become what they hunt. I've 'hunted' too long, Beckett. I'm becoming a monster and it's time to get out while I still have – my soul."

He was still looking out the window, staring at something only he could see and his detachment and tone of voice made the hair on her arms stand straight up. Castle had said something once very similar when they were talking about his time in the Balkans.

"You're not a monster, Esposito. You're a cop and one of the best. What makes you think you're becoming a monster? Talk to me, Javi."

"Coonan. He didn't get sick from riding in the car. I made him sick. The pain made him sick. Ask Castle about 'field expedient interrogation tools'."

He folded over his lapel and Beckett saw a large sewing needle and paled.

"Esposito, tell me you didn't…the information Ryan had…you tortured him? When? Where?"

"It's not just that, Beckett. It's what I learned that's made me decide to quit. The damned Deputy Police Commissioner's the one who gave the order for the acid attack back when he was a precinct captain. Think about it – a fucking COP hired a hit man to discourage your mom by attacking her daughter. Why? Why would a cop do something like that? Is it what we become after living on the streets?"

A line of poetry came unbidden to her mind: _'I fear that a life of death has made me numb to both.'_

"You worry about your soul so you're not a monster, Esposito. A man like you or Ryan or even Montgomery could never become what we hunt. Justice means too much to us."

She waited a moment and then asked him quietly to 'Take back your badge and service weapon and we'll speak no more of this here. The walls have ears and what we need to question and answer is not to be discussed here. I've already talked with Castle. You and I need to talk with Ryan and then all of us can meet at our place and speak freely.'

"_Our _place? So you're giving up your apartment and taking the plunge? Moving in? Really?"

"And we're getting married just as soon as we can swing it. I'm taking a month off when it happens and yes, you, Lanie and Kevin and his girlfriend are invited. It's just a family affair. Nothing big."

"Lanie may want to bring a date. Things are tense right now. I guess the job has been getting to me over the past month or so and I've…stepped back a bit. I guess I don't want her getting 'dirty', Beckett, can you understand? She doesn't."

"We'll talk about this later. Right now, go back to work. As far as the information you got before you brought him in, as long as he was legally read his Miranda Rights, we'll use it – but if it _ever_ happens again, I'll bring you up on charges myself!"

Esposito picked up his badge and weapon and holstered it and left the Captain's office.

Beckett just sat there, processing the information Esposito had blurted out. She knew the Deputy Commissioner. He was a 'cop's cop' and everyone looked up to him as a role model. How accurate was the information that Esposito got out of Coonan under such duress?

* * *

><p>Castle sat in his chair beside Kate's desk and reviewed his emails and missed calls. The new phone didn't work exactly like the old one and he knew he'd lost a ton of contacts and numbers when the old phone bit the dust saving him.<p>

Esposito walked over and sat down on Kate's desk corner. "I need to talk to you, bro. Got a minute?"

"Got all day, Espo. Break room?" He nodded to the break room and started to get up.

"I need to talk to you alone. Let's go for a walk. It's a nice day. Maybe a drive in your Ferrari. I've never been in one." He stared at Castle and mentally urged the writer to take the hints.

"Good idea. A nice walk in the brisk air will clear my head after Lanie stitched me up like a damned corpse. Lead on, MacEsposito." Esposito just shot him a look, totally unaware of the Shakespearean reference to _Macbeth._

They took the stairs and Castle walked out to his car and unlocked the door and got in. Esposito waited while he unlocked the passenger door and then sat down in the leather seats. Castle started the engine and engaged the seat heaters.

"Look, Castle, you were a sniper. How do you handle the dreams, the nightmares? How can you be this idiot writer one minute and 'Death on Two Legs' the next? How do you keep it separate?"

"I don't keep them separate. I'd go nuts if I did. It's part of who I was and am. I talk to my mother about the easier dreams and I've been blessed with Beckett and she makes the nights easier - and I don't mean sex. I mean just having her near me let's me sleep easier. The dreams aren't as intense somehow. Why? You having problems?"

Esposito told him about what he'd done to Coonan while Turner was 'taking a long leak'. He expected Castle to look disgusted and sickened but he was surprised.

"Good work. The douche bag deserved it and more. You did what you had to do to protect Beckett and I love ya for it, man. If you need anything at all, money for counseling, anything, you got it. It wasn't easy but it was necessary. You're a cop now and have different rules so that had better be the last time you do something like that but man…you got my respect."

"Castle, we, that is, you and Beckett, me and Ryan, we got to meet someplace quiet and talk about this. This is bigger than just someone ordering an acid attack. They murdered Beckett's mom and they got to pay."

"How about we meet at the loft – or better yet, you and Ryan come out to the beach house and bring the girls. It's a great cover and we can find time to put together a war council of sorts. We'll take a weekend before the wedding and get things sorted out."

"You better talk to Beckett first, man. I got a feeling she's going to want you kept out of this. You're a civilian and it's her mother. Maybe after the wedding, y'know? So as not to put a damper on the honeymoon."

"I'll talk with her. But she's not keeping me out of this. She's – going to try but I won't let her, Javier. I need to know what she's going through so I can support her."

"You're a good man, Castle. Let's get back. I don't want people thinking we got a thing going on."

"Hold up a minute. What's with you and Dr. Parrish? I thought you two were a couple, even if it wasn't public. What's going on?"

"I don't want her involved in any of this. It's too – "

"That's bullshit! We just turned this stuff up yesterday, Esposito, and you've been distancing yourself from Lanie without even giving the woman a reason or an explanation for longer than that. You're hurting her, Esposito, and I damned well want to know why!"

Esposito stared at Castle for a full minute, weighing the consequences of saying anything at all but Castle wouldn't break the 'stare down' and Esposito finally looked away.

"She's clean. Sure, she's elbows deep in some vic's bowels half the time but she doesn't know the back story or the middle, just the end and I can't bring all that into her life. A cop should only marry another cop, Castle. Marry a civilian and you're looking divorce in the face, maybe not right away but eventually. Look at the statistics."

Castle thought long and hard about Esposito's comment only he turned it around and looked at it from _his_ point of view. Was his relationship with Beckett doomed from her perspective? If what Esposito said was true, was Kate bucking the tide with her decision to marry him?

Javier Esposito wasn't stupid. He was a good judge of body language and facial expressions and he knew that Castle had taken his comments and applied them to his relationship with Beckett.

"Castle, you and Beckett, you're different. You're almost a cop, really. I wasn't saying that you and her are doomed, I was talking only about me and Lanie. She doesn't see the stress and strain working homicide brings with it. She only sees the bodies, not the casualties, if you know what I mean."

Rick nodded his head but Esposito knew he'd screwed up and his comments about Castle 'almost being a cop' were wasted. He knew how Castle thought and how he reacted to things. He didn't know how his alter-ego, Rogers, would react.

"Let's go, Esposito. You're right. We don't want someone thinking we're a couple." He made a lighthearted comment to end the situation but his mind was still turning over the conversation. He needed some time to think and the precinct wasn't the place for it.

* * *

><p>Kate's eyes were on the elevator when she saw Esposito and Castle get off it together. They both looked like they'd gone 10 rounds in a ring. Every muscle in their faces was rigid and their jaws clenched. Right away she knew that the two of them had had a very intense conversation and she wanted to know details.<p>

"Hey, Castle. Get yourself a cup of coffee and then sit down and write out your statement and then go home. You look tired and I'll be along shortly. We have some weekend plans to make."

Castle ran into Roy Montgomery getting coffee and he brought up the Ferrari and Kate and the Captain started to laugh until he saw that Castle was serious.

"Well, I can't see why not. I mean sometimes we use personal vehicles and if you have the insurance indemnities, then I suppose it's okay until someone notices and raises a stink."

Castle walked back to Beckett's desk and sat down and fished out the keys to the Ferrari and handed them to her. "I'll take a cab back to the loft after I finish the statement. Arm's sore and I won't get much done here watching you fill out forms if that's okay?"

"You talked to the Captain?" She was torn between kissing him and smacking him for interceding.

"Yep. Done deal, baby. You are now the proud possessor of a Ferrari unmarked police vehicle. Just don't break the sound barrier in it."

"You and Esposito disappeared for a while. Why?" She didn't want Rick talking to Esposito. She wanted to be the one to tell him about how Esposito got the information and she wanted to do it in the loft, not the station house.

"Bottom line: Lanie asked me to find out why he was distancing himself from her. He won't return her calls and he's avoiding her like I avoid Gina. We talked. I think things will improve but I don't intend to tell you anymore than that, Kate. He's my friend and I won't betray his confidences. If things do improve, Lanie will be happy. Either way, he's going to talk to her about how he feels and why. Maybe they'll be okay and maybe they won't. It's none of my business."

"I thought maybe he talked about Coonan." She was watching his eyes and saw the slight dilation and knew she had hit the mark.

"Not really. He just said he was shook up about some of the stuff he'd found out. He didn't go into detail but I'm sure you and I can talk about him later, right? Are you coming home after work or spending the night at your place now that the Ferrari keys are in your sweaty little palm?"

"I'm going home. To the loft. I'm giving up the apartment at the end of the month. We'll need to get the guys to help me move what I don't take to storage to the loft."

"Good. Let me finish up here and head home. I forgot to bring the pills and this thing is bugging the crap out of me. Where's Natalie?"

"I sent her off with Karpowski to do some observing. They got a body in a dumpster off Lexington and it should really make her day. It's been there a few days so it'll be ripe and she can 'immerse herself' in the experience."

They both laughed and Castle made out his statement and left. He had thinking to do.


	26. Chapter 26

It's short but be glad you're getting anything. Readership is down and so is my interest. Hope all are enjoying a nice holiday. Merry Festivus since we're no longer allowed to say MERRY CHRISTMAS without fear of suit.

* * *

><p>She Learned the Truth at 17<p>

Chapter 26

"_Good. Let me finish up here and head home. I forgot to bring the pills and this thing is bugging the crap out of me. Where's Natalie?"_

"_I sent her off with Karpowski to do some observing. They got a body in a dumpster off Lexington and it should really make her day. It's been there a few days so it'll be ripe and she can 'immerse herself' in the experience."_

_They both laughed and Castle made out his statement and left. He had thinking to do._

* * *

><p>Loft<p>

Kate pulled the Ferrari down into the underground parking garage, grabbed her things from the passenger seat and caught the elevator to their floor. She was looking forward to taking care of Rick in the privacy of their own home.

She took the elevator directly to their floor and in the door and in search of her prey. Kate found him sitting, asleep on the couch, notes and printed pages spread out on the coffee table. It was obvious he'd been editing portions of his latest manuscript and the pills had kicked in and he had fallen asleep.

Kate made coffee, went up to their room and put some things she'd brought over from her apartment into drawers and the closet, changed into 'sloppy sweats' and a t-shirt and then went to wake him and talk about the events of the day. She especially wanted to know more about his conversation with Esposito. From the looks on their faces when they got off the elevator, it had been more than just a 'Lanie' conversation.

She sat down beside him, careful not to awaken him, and pulled together his notes and pages of the manuscript. It was the first couple of chapters from a new novel and in it Rook is talking with Ochoa about what Nikki Heat thinks about marriage. Ochoa tells him bluntly that 'cops should marry another cop' since the divorce rate is so high when a cop marries a 'civilian'.

Rook responds that he's 'almost a cop and doesn't that count for anything?' and Ochoa tells him that 'almost' only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades and that it's a bad idea for a cop to even consider marrying 'outside the Blue'.

'Is that what Rick and Esposito were talking about? Is that why Rick's face looked so grave and why he made up a story about Lanie and Esposito? Surely he doesn't think…'

Kate jumped in surprise when Rick's hand touched her back but she leaned back and turned into him and sighed.

"Rick, what you've written here, do you believe it? Do you really believe that cops should only marry other cops or is that fiction and just a part of the story you're conjuring up?"

"Look, don't say anything to Lanie, please? I asked Javier about why he was distancing himself from Lanie. She asked me to do it in return for the stitching job but I wasn't to tell anyone about it."

"That's what you told me in the precinct but I asked you a question, Rick, and you haven't answered me. 'Do you believe that cops should only marry other cops and that marrying a civilian is a ticket to divorce court'? Please answer me."

"Yes, I think that when a police officer marries a civilian that it brings more stress into the relationship than if he'd married another cop. A cop can't talk about the job to a civilian and that creates a problem that 'normal' marriages don't have but..."

Kate got up from the couch and walked over and put on her jacket and grabbed her purse and keys. Rick was caught totally unawares and couldn't figure out why she was leaving.

"Kate, what the hell are you doing? You just got here!" He started walking over to her to stop her but she held up a hand and stopped him.

"I want to marry you but you're so damned afraid of this being some…some damned phase I'm going through, a crush, puppy love, whatever you might want to label it, that you're finding all these reasons why we won't work. Well, I'll give you a great reason – I can't be with someone who thinks it's just a temporary arrangement."

She slammed the door on her way out and almost ran to the elevator. When she got to the lobby she asked the doorman to call her a cab and to give 'Mr. Castle back his keys and ring since I won't be needing them'.

Kate had to wait a few minutes for a cab, and she constantly looked over her shoulder to see if Rick was coming after her. She felt horrible about their argument but she was stubborn. There was no way she would consider marrying him as long – then she had an epiphany of sorts.

_'He never gave me the ring! I assumed he was going to and so I just slipped it on my finger and moved on from there. Sure, he talked about marriage and waking up together for the rest of our lives but I was the one who 'set the date'. He wasn't on the same page as I was and now I've pushed when I should have waited.'_

She almost told the cabbie to turn around but then she gave him another address, Lanie's, and sat back to think about what she'd done and the consequences, both short and long term.

'_I'll need to renew my lease, get one of the boys to pick up my stuff that I left at the loft for me, send Martha and Alexis a note explaining what happened and then explain all this to my dad. And the guys. And Lanie.'_

The tears she'd been holding back since leaving the loft erupted when Lanie answered Kate's knock at her apartment door.

* * *

><p>Back at the loft, Castle poured himself a cup of coffee and waited to see how long it would take Kate to process what he said and then realize that she'd interrupted him before he could finish. Then she'd return, they'd talk, laugh about the misunderstanding and then, if he was very lucky, enjoy some makeup sex and then go out for dinner.<p>

He decided she wasn't coming back after drinking his second cup of coffee and when the doorman knocked quietly at his door and handed him the keys to the Ferrari and his ring. He was horribly embarrassed for the doorman who looked anywhere but at Rick when he said 'Ms. Beckett said she didn't need them any longer.'

Rick muttered a 'thanks, sorry for the inconvenience' and went into his study. He opened the safe and threw the ring into it and slammed the heavy door in absolute fury.

'Damn her! I should have known she wasn't ready to get married. I should have seen the signs. She'd made a commitment she really wasn't ready to keep – announcing her decision that they would marry as soon as possible when she was obviously emotionally overwrought over his injury.'

He threw the coffee mug against a framed book cover, shattering the protective glass and staining the study wall with coffee. The laptop crashed against the wall and he swept everything off the top of his desk with one sweep of his arm. He looked around for something else to destroy but a cry of 'Daddy, what's wrong?' stopped him dead in his tracks.

He turned to face Alexis who was standing in the doorway, backpack in one hand, and a look of absolute fear on her face.

"Nothing. I'm just – Kate broke off the engagement. I knew she wasn't ready for marriage but I never dreamed she'd use my novel as an excuse…I'm sorry, Pumpkin. I'm just angry and I took it out on whatever I could lay my hands on. I'm okay now, really. So, how was school?"

He ran his fingers through his hair and then hugged his daughter and walked into the living room. Alexis knew that he'd talk when he was ready. She was 14 but knew her father better than most adults.

"How about you get cleaned up and then take me out to dinner? Chinese? There's a new Indian restaurant that Paige's parents say is incredible and…" She stopped and sat down. He wasn't listening anyway, so she just stopped talking and sat down on the couch and started arranging his notes and printed manuscript for something to occupy her mind.

Across town, in Lanie's apartment, things weren't much different. Kate sat on Lanie's couch while Lanie asked questions. She'd sent Esposito to the kitchen to make coffee.

Part of her absolutely hated her best friend at that specific moment in time. Esposito had shown up, unannounced, and said, 'Chica, we have to talk,' and they were just beginning to when Kate banged on her door.

Esposito handed them each a cup of coffee and indicated that he was going to head on home, their planned 'talk' forgotten in the wake of Kate's blubbering confession that she'd ended her engagement because he didn't want to marry a 'sure divorce', that is, a cop.

Esposito turned pale as he deciphered her blubbering confession and Lanie was quick to pick up on his reaction.

"Kate, I need to talk to Esposito for a quick moment and then," she shot him a glare, "and then we'll talk. I'll just be a minute, sweetie. You just sit here and gather your thoughts. I can't believe that Castle would do such a thing. You're engaged, he gave you a ring and – " but then she remembered Kate telling her that she'd put the ring on without benefit of a proposal.

"Javi, come with me for a minute. Kate, drink your coffee and try and calm down a bit. I've never seen you so upset in all the years I've known you. Javi, bedroom!"

* * *

><p>In the loft things were less emotional but just as desolate. Alexis had seen Kate's ambivalence when they became engaged but had thought she was past that but she ended up leaving them just like all the others had. There and then 14-year old Alexis Castle made a vow that she'd keep for the remainder of her life: no woman would be allowed to hurt her dad again.<p> 


	27. Chapter 27

She Learned the Truth at 17

_I can't believe that Castle would do such a thing. You're engaged, he gave you a ring and – "_ but then she remembered Kate telling her that she'd put the ring on without benefit of a proposal.

* * *

><p>Chapter 27<p>

Lanie's Bedroom

"Tell me exactly what you and Castle talked about today and don't leave anything out."

"He took me outside and told me that he wanted to know why I was 'distancing' myself from you and not even answering your calls so I told him. Then we went back inside the precinct and he sat down with Beckett and then she sent him home. That's all, Lanie."

"You left out a helluva lot of 'told him' so spill, Esposito. I have a feeling that Castle wrote something based on what you said to him and Kate read it and reacted badly and probably never even gave him a chance to say anything. So, talk to me."

"Look, I told Castle that I – that I didn't want you in my life because it was dirty and all you saw of things was the body and crime scene whereas we got to see it all: the surviving family, the plots, the horrible motives some people have. I didn't want you to be exposed to it, even second hand. He asked me if cops should only marry other cops and I told him, basically, yes. I quoted the divorce statistics. That's all."

"Look, you're not dirty and if that's the only thing keeping you away then get over it. I'm not pure as the driven snow and I've seen a lot more things than you think and I'm not afraid of loving a cop. We can talk about things, let you decompress and we can avoid the divorce bullet. All you have to do is talk to me, Javi, just talk."

"It's – it can't be that easy, Lanie. If it was, then so many cops wouldn't be divorced and the suicide rate wouldn't be sky high."

"We're gonna talk about this some more but right now I got to deal with Beckett. Do me a favor and call Castle and tell him to get his butt over here and talk to her. I feel it in my bones that he's perfect for her and she needs to get her head out of her butt and quit screwing it up. Go. Use my phone. Maybe he'll think it's a body call."

* * *

><p>Hop Ting Chinese Gardens Buffet &amp; Bar<br>E22nd Street, NYC

Alexis was full to bursting and still her father had hardly touched his sesame chicken, concentrating instead on creating patterns of rice and sauce with one chopstick.

"Dad, I thought you were hungry?" _He__'__s __really __down __tonight. __Whatever __happened __with __Kate __has __taken __his __spirit. __He __hasn__'__t __been __this __way __since __he __came __back __from __New __Orleans __and __slept __with __the __lights __on __for __weeks._

"I am. Just thinking. Do you have plans for the first week in June, Pumpkin? I have to be in L.A. for some movie stuff and your grandmother will be in her 'dinner theatre' glory in some small town in Florida and I thought…maybe…"

"Maybe I'd go with you? But what about Kate, Dad? She won't be able to…"

"Doesn't matter. It's just you and me again, kidlette. Are you finished? Dessert?" He wanted to be anyplace but where he was whenever he thought about it. Keep moving and don't let it catch you.

His cell vibrated in his coat pocket but he ignored it just like he had the last two times. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to listen to her excuses. The longer he thought about it, the angrier he got and he couldn't let it show again. He'd seen the look on his daughter's face in the loft when he'd thrown his juvenile tantrum.

"Want to walk off some of these carbs? Check out the window displays?"

"No, Dad, I have to study and you have to call Kate. It's just a little bump in the road, Dad. It's none of my business but you wouldn't have trashed your office over this fight between you if you didn't care."

"Wise beyond your years. It's not up to me this time, Lex. I've gone as far into this as I can. Any farther and I'm coming out. Y'know, 'how far can the dog run into the woods?' Half-way. Then he's coming out? Applies here."

"My teacher says that's an example of trite thinking. She likes your novels but thinks they're rather repetitive and predictable."

"Everyone's a critic these days. Besides, 'if you can't do, teach'. Take that. Mrs. Othmar."

"It's MS. Othmar. She's pretty, Dad. Maybe next time you have a parent-teacher conference you could ask her out for coffee and butter her up so she'll quit assigning all these darn term papers."

* * *

><p>"Lanie, he's not answering his cell. It goes right to voice mail and I've called 3 times and left messages. Look, I'm heading home. Maybe he'll call back. It's just after 9 o'clock so it's likely he went out to dinner or something with his kid."<p>

"Okay, but we _will_ talk some more about what you and Castle talked about. I'll see if I can talk some sense into little Miss Disengaged. She so damned stubborn some times – okay, all the time."

After seeing Javier out the door, she sent a text message to Castle.

* * *

><p>Rick and Alexis walked back to the loft, neither in a hurry to get back to the scene of the 'crime'. Castle took out his cell and saw that he'd missed 3 calls from Lanie. <em>'<em>_That__'__s __a __surprise. __I __thought __she__'__d __retreat __to __her __bunker __and __hunker __down.__'_

His phone buzzed with an incoming text message and it startled him and he dropped his cell into a convenient puddle.

"Shit!" He quickly pulled his phone out of the puddle and looked at it. He could barely make out the text message on the water-filled screen. Alexis laughed at him saying, "That's a new record for trashing a phone, Pops. Not even 24 hours and it's broken."

**Writer Boy, your girl is here sobbing her heart out. Call me, or I'll come over there and drag you back here.**

He hit speed dial #6 and could barely hear the ringing and almost dropped the phone again when he heard a male voice answer "Beckett". His water logged phone was messing up. Speed dial #6 was Lanie not Jim Beckett.

"Hey, Jim, it's Rick, by mistake. My phone got wet and I speed dialed you by mistake." He didn't want to talk to Beckett's dad.

"Well, I was just wondering if you and Katie had plans for the weekend? Maybe you two could run up and have dinner with me? Alexis is invited, of course."

"Um, well, I think you better check with your daughter. She might have plans I don't know about." Not a lie, just not the truth, either. He didn't know what Beckett's plans were for the weekend now that things had cratered on the relationship front.

"I'll do that. Talk with you later, Rick." He hung up and Rick breathed a sigh of relief. He tried Lanie's speed dial again and got Esposito instead. He almost threw his phone against a building they were walking by in frustration.

"It's Castle. My phone's messing up. I was trying to speed dial Lanie. Sorry to bother you."

"Yo, Castle, man, things are screwed up. Beckett's crying at Lanie's and Lanie's pissed at both of us now. Man, I never meant to create a problem between you two, you know that."

"Yeah, well, what's done is done. Since I have the phone from Hell, could you call Lanie and tell her Alexis and I are taking a walk and I'll be back at the loft in about two hours? I can barely hear you on this piece of crap. I'll call her from the house phone."

* * *

><p>Lanie's Apartment<p>

Lanie ended the call with Esposito and told Kate that Rick was going to call back from the loft after their walk. Rick's phone was acting weird and no one could understand the conversation very well.

"No, Lanie, I feel bad enough that I ruined your evening with Esposito. I'm going to grab a cab and head home. I'll talk with you tomorrow. I'm really tired and feel drained but I've made my decisions and I'm okay with what's happened."

Lanie knew better than to try to keep Kate at the apartment so she could talk to Castle when he called so she just hugged her friend and watched her walk dejectedly to the elevator.

* * *

><p>Kate gave the cab driver her apartment address but then realized her badge and sidearm were still at the loft so she changed her destination. If she was lucky, she'd be in and out with no one the wiser.<p>

Sitting in traffic left her nothing to do but think. She'd miss Castle's input on cases and how they built theory together even after hours – when they weren't doing family stuff or fooling around in bed. They spent as much time talking about cases and stuff as they did his novels and he'd been very free about seeking her input on 'cases' he'd dreamed up for Heat & Co. to solve.

_'I'll miss our talks, our long soaks in the tub talking about cases and Nikki Heat and all the stuff going on with the movie.'_

All too soon the cab pulled up in front of the loft apartment building. She paid the cabbie and went into the lobby and the doorman handed her a key and smiled and wished her a 'good evening, Detective'. Her building had a security door and a lobby 'minder' who spent more time surfing porn on the internet than minding the tenants.

Kate took the elevator to the penthouse floor and got off and stopped at the loft door.

_'This will be the last time I come here. The last time I come to a place that really feels like home.'_

She quietly unlocked the door and tiptoed in but stopped when she saw Martha sitting on the couch, drinking a glass of wine.

"Hello, Kate. I suppose you come back for your things. You might check out the study, dear. It's quite the sight to behold. I warned you, Kate. I told you he was not the 'pillar of strength' everyone thinks he is."

Martha got up and walked into the kitchen to 'refresh' her wine glass and raised a clean glass in Kate's direction. "A last glass of wine with the nagging harpy, Detective? One last drink in Castle's Keep? You might as well enjoy a glass. Not everyone has a cellar like my son although some have basements where secrets are stored."

Kate nodded her head in acceptance and then walked to the study and opened the door and gasped.

The laptop caught her eye first. It was in pieces and lying on the loveseat after bouncing off the wall behind it. The printer was overturned and paper littered the floor. She saw the remnants of a shattered coffee cup and the broken framed cover of his first book but it was the absence of anything on the desk and the overturned chair that brought home the anger and despair he must have been feeling.

"Check out the safe, darling. It'll never close properly again. He must have been furious when he slammed it shut. The locking pins have sheered off and you can see where the painting that used to cover it ended up. No, he's not a pillar of strength - just a man."

"We argued, fought over getting married – or rather I argued. He'd written something based on a conversation he'd had with one of my guys and I took issue with it. It pissed me off, if you really want the truth. He said – he said 'cops shouldn't marry civilians because of the divorce rate'. Those weren't his exact words but it's the essence of the argument."

Martha had found the engagement ring in the back of the open safe when she first got home thinking they'd been robbed. But seeing Kate's naked hand told her more than Kate had said. It had not been an argument, but an ending.

"Do you still think of Richard as a 'civilian', Detective?" Kate didn't miss the implications of 'Detective'.

"No. Not at all. He's my partner. I thought it extended to everything but I guess I was wrong. He's more cop than writer in my mind. He'd have made a helluva detective, Martha."

"So when you heard what he said, this civilian author, what did you say in return?"

"I told him that I couldn't marry someone who thought our relationship was just 'temporary' and then I left and went to a friend's house. I was on my way back to my apartment when I remembered I'd left my gun and badge here so I just came back to get them and I'll be on my way, Martha."

"Running away would be more descriptive, and you left out one important detail: you gave him back the ring, didn't you? Well, that certainly explains the carnage in the study."

"What else could I do? He was telling me that he felt we'd end up getting a divorce! Why bother with formalities if it's a foregone conclusion that we'll end up in divorce court? Tell me what I should do?"

"Take a chance. Follow your heart. Don't shut him out when you come home from work. Talk about your day. Communicate, Detective. That's what couples do. They talk out their problems, sometimes very loudly, but they talk. They don't 'cut and run' when things get tense. Lord knows it took me three husbands before I figured that one out."

"Martha, we do talk. We talk about anything and everything. We talk about cases even here at home – "

Two things struck her. They did talk. And this was home.

"Where is my former fiancée but soon to be husband, Martha?" She eyed the older woman with respect. She'd been set up. Martha was a skilled interrogator.

"I got a text from Alexis that she'd taken him out for dinner and a walk and hopefully a conversation. I expect them home in an hour or so."

"Then I have enough time to shower and change into something less manly before they get home. Thanks, Martha."

"Whatever for, dear?"

"For being a 'nagging harpy' and a good friend and kicking my mental ass for me." She pulled her into an impulsive hug and then walked upstairs to change. After they had their reconciliation, they'd clean up the 'carnage' in the loft and hopefully never, ever, find themselves in this mess ever again.

Alexis almost ran from the elevator to the loft. She wanted to be first in and tell her grandmother not to hassle her dad. He'd had enough trouble already and wouldn't need her 'advice'.

"I won't say a word, Alexis. But I have a feeling that everything will work out just fine. You'll see. Your father's going to be fine. Now, go get your school books and meet me in the living room and we'll review your homework."

"G-Grams? It's school work, y'know, not reading and 'rithmetic from back in the day when you went to school and wrote on slate tablets and had to bring your own coal to warm the one-room school. And.,."

"Alexis, do as you're told and don't give me any 'back in the day' lip. Someday you'll be in my shoes and kids will laugh at you when you have to take out a calculator to do simple sums."

It was a game between them and it always ended with the 'you'll be in my shoes' line. It was a comforting ritual and her grandmother was an expert at comfort.

Rick trudged up the stairs that he swore were getting steeper and steeper every year. His arm was sore but he didn't feel like walking all the way back down stairs (and having to repeat the uphill climb) so he just lived with it.

The light was off in his bedroom but he knew where everything was after 8 years.

He threw off his clothes and dove under the covers and sighed until he felt…a warm hand caress his chest and lips whisper against his ear, "I know you hear it a lot but I'm sorry, Rick. I should have realized that we're a unique couple. We're part cop and part writer but we talk incessantly and we'll never end up in divorce court, baby."

"Beckett?" There was shock and surprise in his voice.

"You were expecting someone else? Martha set my head on straight. I should have listened more carefully. Now, I think I read somewhere that after a couple has a fight they have…makeup sex?"


	28. Chapter 28

Still down south of the border. Just a little something to keep you interested. No cliffie.

OM

* * *

><p>Chapter 28<p>

_He threw off his clothes and dove under the covers and sighed until he felt…a warm hand caress his chest and lips whisper, "I know you hear it a lot but I'm sorry, Rick. I should have realized that we're a unique couple. We're part cop and part writer but we talk incessantly and we'll never end up in divorce court, baby."_

"_Beckett?" There was shock and surprise in his voice._

_"You were expecting someone else? Martha set my head on straight. I should have listened more carefully. Now, I think I read somewhere that after a couple has a fight they have…makeup sex?"_

* * *

><p>Kate woke up and stretched and then realized she was in bed – alone. She looked over at the clock and noted the time and heard Rick in the bathroom muttering about something and then he flicked off the light and came back to bed and spooned against her.<p>

"It's 5 o'clock, Rick, and I'm wide awake. Want to fool around?" She giggled in a most un-Beckett like manner and wiggled her butt against him.

"Your dad wants us to come up this weekend and have dinner with him. I think he's lonely up there in the sticks, Kate. We could go out to dinner and then spend the rest of the weekend at the beach house."

"Mmm, sounds nice, especially the beach house. I can see it now, a roaring fire, you and me, naked and writhing in passionate ecstasy, no phones, no murders, just you and me."

"And Alexis. Jim wants us to bring her with us. He likes her and I think those two like to get together and plot."

"Well, maybe we could 'suggest' that we need some 'alone time' and he'd take her for the night? I love Lexie but I really like my image of a the weekend and…"

"And what, Kate?"

"And so do you if that thing poking me is any evidence at all." She twisted around and wrapped her arms around his neck and drew a naked thigh between his and whispered that it didn't matter where they were – they'd bring their own 'fire'.

"Well, since you have the weekend off, I've got to spend today getting a new phone, the safe repaired, a new laptop and arrange for a painter and carpenter to come in. Why don't we get an early start on the day and let me take you out to breakfast. Then you can drop me off here, go over to your place and shower and change and then go on into the Precinct."

"Will you be coming in today? I think it would be nice if you at least made a showing so that people don't think we're…"

"Well, remind me to properly propose and present the ring to you. Then you can flaunt your status without going into detail. Just please, Kate, don't say anything to Esposito. I don't want him thinking I broke my word to him just to get you back between the sheets."

"Wouldn't dream of it. I'll go start the coffee while you shower. And then we can discuss a 'proper proposal' over coffee before your daughter makes her early-morning appearance. Did you two talk about our fight, Rick? Does she hate me?"

"She's upset that we fought but blames us both for being 'dumb asses', so no, she doesn't hate you. Seeing the study turned on its side frightened her and made her see a side of me I thought I'd buried safely away long ago. It seems you bring out the beast in me, Kate Beckett." He tried to make light of the situation the question brought up.

* * *

><p>When Rick walked downstairs from his shower, he was fully dressed for a business meeting. He had things to do before being able to just walk away for the weekend. He walked into the study, made notes on damage, equipment to replace and then took the Kate's ring from the safe and walked into the kitchen.<p>

Beckett was standing with her back to him and he noted that she was wearing his blue shirt that she'd worn the first night she'd 'stayed over'.

Rick slipped up behind her, wrapped his arms around her middle and nuzzled the back of her neck. He loved her neck. It was so silky soft and long and, best of all, sensitive to his lips.

"Mmm, I love the way you do that, honey, but we have to be careful. I'm not wearing anything but this shirt and that damned pistol of Shaw's is poking me again."

"Live with it. It's what you do to me, Kate." He reached up and took her left wrist in his hand and then used his left hand to place the ring back on her finger where it belonged. She hardly noticed since his lips and tongue were kissing and laving her neck.

"Marry me, Kate, and I'll never hurt you, leave you or, hopefully, disappoint you. And if you don't say yes in 2 seconds, I'll just have to take it back."

"Damn you, Castle! Why are you doing this to me when you know I have to go to work instead of staying here and making love all day?" She hadn't really heard what he said, far to engrossed in what he was doing to her.

"Don't blame me, Kate. You're the one with the responsive body that just keeps begging me to touch it, kiss it, lick it…"

She turned in his arms and pushed him away. "Alexis will be up any minute and you need to curb your baser instincts and act paternal instead of like…Rick…Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!"

She gave in to her own 'baser instincts' after seeing the ring he'd slipped on her finger and remembered his words. Her kiss was hot and hungry.

"Mmm, Kate, Alexis…please…stop…Alexis…"

"You just wait until this weekend, Rick. You just wait!"

* * *

><p>Beckett once again stepped off the cranky elevator and practically bounced into the squad bay. She was happy and nothing could change the way she felt today.<p>

"Beckett, a word?" Roy Montgomery called her into his office. He did not look very happy.

"Sit, please. Look, Coonan is dead. Someone shanked him out at Rikers and I just got word this morning. You and Esposito gather up all the files and information and we'll meet in the conference room to see what we need to do next. I'm sorry, Beckett. I know how you were counting on this to open up some leads on your mom's case but at least the bastard that threw acid in your face is burning in hell right about now."

She didn't say a word, just stood, nodded her head and left. She found herself in the break room with a cup of coffee in her hand and couldn't remember getting it.

'Focus! We have the information Esposito got from him. We haven't begun collating it yet and it looks like it's a solid lead to the next level. I have to get my head back into the game. We're so close…'

Natalie was sitting in Castle's chair. She looked like she wanted to be anywhere but in the 12th Precinct. Apparently Karpowski's trip through Dumpsterville hadn't exactly been high on her list of things to do in life.

"I heard about Coonan. I'm sorry, Beckett. I know you were counting on more information but you're a good detective. You're good at connecting the dots. I figure the Fat Cats behind this are worried if they had one of their own hit men taken out. That's what it was, right?"

"We don't know anything definite at this point, Natalie. It's all just sitting there waiting for us to put it together. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces missing. I think it's too soon to make any decisions since they may color our judgment. It's the way it is about some cases – you have to wait for the next clue to be developed."

"Like with the Model Slasher? I'd say that's a fair comparison, right?" She saw Kate's eyes tighten and knew it was the right question to ask but not the right time. She waited to see how Beckett answered but was surprised when the detective grabbed her arm and dragged her over to the Models' murder board, almost spilling her coffee in her haste.

"You're new eyes, Rhodes. Look at it and let your mind free associate. What is the killer's motivation? Why the ritual staging of the body? Is Castle right that it has a religious connotation or was that just something to throw us off?"

Kate sipped her coffee and watched the other woman's eyes bounce all over the board and then close for a few seconds. If she'd only known that it was the same thing she did when presented with a board for the first few times she'd have been amused.

"What about the photographer? What background do we have on him?"

Beckett smiled at the 'we'. Was this the 'Nikki Heat' persona or just Natalie getting into the case? Either way it was an interesting question that they really hadn't gone too deep with since the photographer had alibis for both timeframes and no apparent motive.

"We didn't go deep on him since he alibied out on the murders. I'll have Ryan dig into his history. Maybe we were too quick in dismissing him but it's worth the time if only to firmly eliminate him as a suspect. Good thinking."

"So, how's Castle?" She'd heard from Lanie already this morning not to 'twist Kate's tail' about anything but she was a woman and was curious.

"He'd great. We're going to take the weekend off and the three of us are going out to see my Dad and then spend time out at his beach house."

"Three of us?"

"His daughter's coming along. She and my dad hit it off over Christmas and I think he'd like the company."

Her phone vibrated and she pulled it out of her jeans pocket and laughed. Castle had sent her a text that he'd got a 'new kick-ass phone' and was testing it out. He'd be by after his meeting.

Natalie took in the tight smile on Beckett's face and had to comment.

"So, I take it things are back to normal in 'Caskett land'?"

"As normal as they can be where Rick's involved. Yeah, back to normal, thank God."

Beckett grinned and walked over to Kevin's desk and asked him to start a deep background on the photographer, Tariq Humal.


	29. Chapter 29

Short and transitional setup chapter.

OM

* * *

><p>Chapter 29<p>

Castle finished up his errands and called the doorman at the apartment building to see if the carpenters and safe people had been by yet and was pleased that all the work had been completed and it was just past 2pm.

'_I'll just have time to swing by the Precinct and see if Kate needs me to do anything for her before we leave for the Island. Maybe she can slip out early and we can beat the traffic?'_

He caught a cab from Black Pawn and checked his phone for emails. He answered one from Paula, sent a text to Alexis reminding her that she had to pack for the weekend and another to his mother reminding her that 'parties are to be held anyplace else but at the loft'. His mother had a tendency to take liberties when both he and Alexis were gone.

As he got out of the cab at the precinct he noticed that the wind had a biting chill to it and that the clouds were ominously foretelling of rain mixed with sleet. _'Goodie, the perfect driving weather for the LIE'._

Shaking his head and wishing that Kate's father would consider relocating to Manhattan, he walked into the precinct, nodded to the desk sergeant and caught the elevator to the 4th floor.

* * *

><p>Beckett and Rhodes were looking over Ryan's shoulder as he reviewed the background checks from NCIC and the photographer's immigration clearance paperwork.<p>

Tariq Hamal and his wife, Sahaya, were given special refugee status during the Taliban takeover of Afghanistan. Both Hamal and his wife had been politically active and the photographer had incurred the wrath of the ruling class for publishing photographs of 'justice' in Western newspapers and magazines.

Sahaya Hamal had been a teacher at a girls' high school that was shut down because 'women didn't need education' and she was arrested and imprisoned for several months until she was released and then she and her husband fled to Pakistan and petitioned for political asylum in the US.

"Bring them both in. We'll concentrate our questioning on the ER visit. Look, I don't want any problems so call ONE PP and have them send over a female translator so that when we interview the wife, she won't feel threatened. If I remember, she hardly spoke English," instructed Beckett.

She turned back to her desk and smiled when she saw Castle sitting there. He looked good enough to eat in his Saville Row tailored suit and wind-ruffled hair. She blushed at the implications of her thought and vowed that one day she'd wake him with a killer blowjob. She'd heard someone say 'nothing says I love you like a blowjob in the morning'. Her blush intensified until she was sure her entire face was beet red.

'_Get your head out of his crotch and back into the Precinct. You have a case to solve. Lust later. Detect now!'_

"Afternoon, Castle. All finished with your meetings?" She vowed to keep it professional although she could tell he was wondering about the blushing.

"You okay, Kate? You look flushed. You're not coming down with something, are you?"

"No, I'm fine. I was just…thinking about you, Rick. That's all. You make me…", she looked around and saw that Rhodes and the guys were heading to the break room for coffee and strategy, "horny, Rick. That's all. I'm looking forward to the beach house and the fireplace and the making out."

She looked really good in her slacks, Wellingtons she rarely wore and that purple cowl-necked sweater Alexis had given her for Christmas. Alexis loved purple but a redhead in purple? No way. So instead of buying something she'd never wear she bought it for Kate.

He gulped before replying and she smiled again and gestured for him to follow her. Once they stepped into the observation room she pushed him back against the closed door and kissed him with hunger and passion.

"Kate!" He whispered. "We're at the precinct. No PDAs, remember?"

She cut him off with another kiss and then sighed loudly and whispered, "I want to just go home and screw like bunnies for the rest of the day but," and here she stopped when the light in the interrogation room went on and Karpowski brought in a suspect for one of her unsolved cases. "but duty calls."

The walked out to the squad bay. Castle felt eyes on him but knew it was his imagination. He watched Kate walk away and grinned. He was looking forward to the weekend.

"We better get back to work, Beckett." He wanted this Kate Beckett to appear more often. She was a constant surprise to him. So many layers to her onion.

"Yeah, Castle, I suppose you're right. Look, we're pulling in the Humal guy and his wife. She doesn't speak English very well and because of her faith, I've asked for a female interpreter to aid in the interrogation. It might be best if you stayed in observation on this one."

"Yeah, definitely. Or I can sit in with the guys when they question the husband. Say, I ran across something the other day in the Times. The name rang a bell and I did a Google on him. Did you know that Tariq Humal was a human rights activist and his photo exhibit of 'before and after' have brought a new awareness of the Taliban's sanctions against women?"

"Before & After? Before and after what, Castle? Don't make me pull teeth, baby." She leaned over and whispered in his ear. He turned bright red.

"Kate, whispering in my ear counts as a PDA in my book." She just smirked and commented about how 'easy' he was.

"He has photos of women before and after their…arrests. They're quite graphic and very disturbing. He and his wife had to flee to Pakistan and then petition for political asylum. Some examples of his portfolio are online through the Kodak Institute. You might want to check them out and see if they tie in to the case any way."

Rick stepped away from her desk and went to the break room. Her coffee cup was empty and he knew she'd need her mug to hide behind once she'd viewed Humal's photo exhibit.

Kate was sitting at her desk, elbows on the desktop and her face in her hands when Rick came back with the coffee. He carefully set her mug right where it belonged and sat quietly waiting for her to pull herself together and talk with him.

Her voice sounded muffled from behind her hands and he listened carefully. "Rick, these pictures…they're horrible. What those women and men went through, what was done to them…horrible. I need to have Lanie bring up some photos and compare them. You…you were spot on, Rick, and I shouldn't have just accepted Humal's alibi."

"I bought it, too, so don't be too hard on yourself, Kate. Look, call Lanie and then maybe it's time to call it a day." He wanted her out of the precinct and away from the case.

"No, Castle. We have the Humals coming in and I want to turn their alibis inside out and eliminate them once as suspects once and for all. I'm okay, Rick, really."

She called Lanie and asked her to bring all the photo evidence on the Slasher case. They might have a lead and she wanted the photos to show the Humals. Maybe it would jog some memories or make them make a mistake. It didn't matter. She wanted this lead investigated and closed out.

"What about the hospital? Maybe…maybe someone should check out that particular alibi more. I mean, maybe he's an abuser and he gets off on killing models or maybe…nah. Not the wife. Definitely not the wife. If I was writing this, it would be the husband seeking revenge against all the 'empty beautiful people' out there."

Kate stiffened and felt tears start to blossom in her eyes. _'That's almost word for word what I said about him in that alley. My God, sometimes I wonder if he's telepathic or something.'_

"Kate, I said…"

"I know what you said, Rick. I'm not deaf. Look, maybe you should head on home and spend some time with Lexie and I'll be along as soon as we finish up with the Humal couple, okay? I really want this case closed. It's wearing on me so badly."

"Kate, are you sure…"

"I'm sure, Castle. Take off. I'll be home as soon as I can, okay? Maybe we'll be able to get a jump on traffic. I guess the Ferrari gets a rest. Car service?"

"Nope. Ferrari. Alexis is used to sitting in the back seat…scrunched up and listening to her iPod. Besides, I want her to have a first-hand look at a real driver."

"That's sweet…I think. Go home, Castle. I can't wait to get to the beach house and unwind and get…well, y'know what I mean."

"Don't be too long, Detective."


	30. Chapter 30

It's short but I have things to do and travel plans to finalize. Enjoy it while it lasts.

* * *

><p>Chapter30<p>

Alexis answered her father's cell phone because he was in the shower. She saw that it was Detective Esposito calling from the 12th Precinct and took the call in case it was important rather than let his voicemail get it.

"Hi, Detective Esposito. Dad's in the shower. I can take a message if you like."

"Ah, could you take him the phone, Alexis? I need to talk to him right away. It's important."

"Sure. I'll bang on the door and slip the phone into the bathroom. Wait a sec."

Alexis cracked open the door to her dad's bathroom and said that Esposito was on the phone and had to talk to him right away. She put the phone on the sink counter and went back to her room to finish packing.

"Hey, Javier, what's up?"

"Come to Manhattan South Trauma Center right away. Humal wigged out in interrogation and pulled a knife and killed the translator and cut Kate bad. You need to come, Castle."

"On my way. How – how bad?" How could someone get a knife past the metal detectors?

"Come right now, Castle." Esposito only knew that the slash near her throat had bled severely until the paramedics had it under control. When he saw her before they loaded into the ambulance he was shocked at how pale her skin was and how unfocused her eyes were.

"See ya in 10 minutes." He threw clothes on over his wet skin not bothering to dry off and yelled to Alexis that Kate had been hurt and that he was on his way to the hospital.

He took the stairs rather than wait for the elevator. He stepped out into the busy street and stopped the first cab he saw by stepping out in front of it. He gave the passenger $100 to get out and then he got in and gave the driver the hospital name and sat back, terrified he might be too late.

* * *

><p>Kate was cold and tried to concentrate enough to ask for a blanket but couldn't. The doctors and nurses were asking questions and she found it hard to concentrate. She could still see the rage on the woman's face as she slashed the interpreter's throat.<p>

Kate had thrown up an arm to block the slash aimed at her and the knife had cut through the sleeve of the leather jacket she was wearing like it was rice paper. She threw herself back out of the chair and onto the floor calling for help. Her arm throbbed and burned and she'd turned her head away from the woman and waited for the burning slice that would end her life.

The woman had hesitated when Kate turned her face away and the movement had bared her cheek, neck and ear revealing the ugly scar tissue and ruined ear.

The woman had muttered something in a foreign language and Kate had turned to look at her.

When the slash came it was more surprise than pain and suddenly she couldn't breathe as the woman's body fell on hers. She never heard the gunshots that killed Sahaya Humal.

"Detective Beckett, you're going to be fine. We're going to run an IV and then start a transfusion. Once you're stable, we'll take you upstairs to the OR and work on your arm and neck. You're going to be fine, I promise."

She looked up into eyes as blue as Castle's and wondered if she'd ever get to see his eyes, feel his hand on her cheek, his lips on hers again? She didn't believe the 'beautiful doctor' for one moment. She knew what had happened and she knew she was dying. Kate recognized the symptoms of hypovolemic shock from her academy training.

But still, his face wasn't the worst 'last thing' to see. She closed her eyes and surrendered to the drugs, the doctor's beautiful face, her last memory.

* * *

><p>Esposito had to return to the precinct to write out a statement of what had happened in the interrogation session but refused the order saying that until they knew her status and prognosis he was 'staying put'..<p>

He and Ryan had finished up fairly quickly with the husband and were watching as Beckett and Patrolwoman Tajik began asking the Humal woman questions. Beckett opened a file folder and spread 8X10 photographs of the victims across the table in front of the woman. You couldn't see her reaction because of the garments that covered everything from head to toe.

Officer Tajik had turned away to say something to Beckett when it happened.

The woman had been mumbling under her breath and suddenly stood and drew out a wicked knife from under her garments and stabbed the female officer in the chest and then slashed her throat. Humal turned to Beckett who was momentarily frozen in shock looking at Tajik had thrown up her arm in a blocking motion to ward off the slash the woman directed at her face.

Both detectives hurried out of the observation room and into the hallway leading to the interview room. Esposito burst through the door just as the woman slashed down at Beckett who was lying on the floor. He fired twice without thinking but it was too late to stop the woman's knife from cutting deep into Beckett's neck near the collarbone. The stiff leather collar of her jacket provided some protection but not enough.

Ryan pushed the woman's body off Kate and gasped. Beckett's arm was bleeding badly and her other hand was holding her throat but blood was flowing through her fingers. He jerked Beckett's hand away and pressed his handkerchief against the wound and pressed down hard to try and control the bleeding.

A team of ESU medics appeared there in a heartbeat and started working on Kate immediately after throwing the two detectives out into the hall.

"We need room. Go out into the hall and clear a path to the stairs. We'll be taking her out in a few minutes. Time is running out, guys. Move it!"

* * *

><p>Ryan showed up at the Trauma Center waiting room and told Esposito that the Captain wanted him back in the Precinct as soon as they knew she was stable.<p>

"Esposito, we got there as soon as we could. You did the right thing. After you left…they pulled the hood off the Humal woman. Her face…horrible cuts and slashes done to her in prison. They…they cut her lips and nostrils and…the woman was insane, Javier, she had to be."

"Yeah, well, she killed one of ours and Beckett's circling the drain. Just a few seconds sooner and I might have stopped this. A few seconds, Ryan. The time it takes to pour a cup of coffee. A few seconds sooner…"

"Don't beat yourself up. Hey! There's Castle…"


	31. Chapter 31

The angst monster has arisen from it's slumbers. Art imitates life.

* * *

><p>Chapter 31<p>

Manhattan South Trauma Center

Castle hurried up to the pair of detectives who were sitting dejectedly in butt-busting blue plastic chairs. He had his cell phone in hand and was ready to call Kate's father once he had a status on her condition.

"How is she and what happened?" he said, trying hard not to panic. In the cab on the way down to the Trauma Center all he could think of was losing his Kate, nothing else. He wasn't even aware that he'd mis-buttoned his dress shirt or that he wasn't wearing socks. He'd been so focused on Esposito's panicky voice that he lost any ability to concentrate. His hair was wet and strands were sticking to his forehead.

"They just took her up to the OR. We lost the translator, Officer Tadjik. The wife – Castle, the wife was the slasher. I don't know how she got a knife past the metal detectors but Montgomery's going to have someone's ass for sure."

"Beckett," he almost yelled. "How's Beckett. The living take priority, Esposito. Damn it, how's Kate?" He ran his fingers through his still-wet hair and glared at the Puerto Rican detective. The 'Blame Game' was not important. The bureaucrats would handle it. He needed to know about Kate.

"She lost a lot of blood. Humal got her on the arm, a defensive wound, but she cut her along the collar bone I think. The knife cut through the leather like it was butter and Ryan put pressure on the throat wound…"

Castle's eyes glazed over and he gagged and dropped his head low. His only thoughts were about Kate and losing her. She had to be okay. She just had to be.

What seemed like days but were actually just hours, Castle realized that he had to call Beckett's dad.

Taking a deep breath and knowing that he had a difficult phone call to make, he stood, nodded to the concerned pair of detectives and walked away but stopped to lean against a wall, trying not to break down.

"Yo, Castle. Come back and sit down, man, before you fall down. You don't have to…"

"Beckett's dad. I need to call him. He needs to know and be here in case…in case…she dies. He needs to see her. She's all he has left now."

"Castle, let me call him. You'll just send him into a blind panic. Let me…" he tried prying Castle's phone from his hand but Castle shoved him away.

"No! I got this. It's my responsibility. I should have pushed harder for her to quit. I should have listened to her father. I was selfish. I wanted her in my life on _her_ terms and I was wrong. I told him I was terrified of getting just such a call but I ignored my feelings, for _hers,_ and now…"

He pushed himself off the wall and walked unsteadily down the corridor and out the main door to call Jim Beckett and tell him that he needed to get to Manhattan South Trauma Center as soon as possible. If he were Jim Beckett, he'd want to know now, not when they had something more to tell him. He was a father and he acted like one. He called Jim Beckett.

* * *

><p>When he got back to the waiting room, Esposito and Ryan were talking to a doctor. They saw Castle and told the doctor what he was to Kate so the doctor addressed his comments to Castle.<p>

"Detective Beckett suffered significant damage to her right arm. Tendons and muscles were cleanly cut as was an artery and several vessels. We won't know the extent of nerve damage until she's conscious and comfortable enough to test."

"The deep slice just above the collar bone bled the most but was the easiest to repair. She'll have no post-op problems at all except for a scar and I was very careful when I sutured her wound. It will hardly be noticeable. Now, she's in recovery and you can see her once she's been moved to a room. Mr. Castle, you're considered family and can come and go as you please and you're welcome to spend the night in her room. The rest of the crowd will have to follow the rules."

Castle liked the young doctor immediately. He cared. He cut through the crap and answered questions that hadn't even been answered. Except one.

"Doctor, if there is no nerve damage, what's next for her as far as rehab and therapy on her arm?"

"It depends on how quickly she heals. Three weeks in a heavy dressing to protect the wound then evaluation and testing. From there we'll move on to Occupational and Physical Therapy. That's assuming no significant nerve damage."

"And if there is?" Castle wanted to know everything. He needed to know what he'd have to have on-hand to aid her in recovery.

"I'm a plastic surgeon, Mr. Castle. I was working trauma as a favor to my girlfriend. I covered for her while she's at her sister's. She's having her first baby. I'll recommend a neurologist. Go see her, Mr. Castle. She'll be in 308."

Jim Beckett arrived just as Esposito was leaving. Javier gave him the bare bones and pointed to the glass door behind which Castle was 'grilling the doc' for details.

When Rick walked out of the consultation office, he smiled at Jim and took the older man by the arm and suggested they grab a coffee and he'd fill him in.

The two men, both fathers, both struggling with the career choices of a woman they each loved, sat and quietly waged war on one another.

"Rick, if you're going to be the man in the relationship, you have to put your foot down and forbid, yes, I said forbid, her to return to police work. You're rich. Keep her busy with…"

"If I put my foot down, I'll be minus that foot, Jim. I told you at your place what I thought and I haven't changed my mind. It's her life, her career, her choice." He hated her career, her profession. No, he didn't hate it, he feared  what it might do to them.

"Then you're a God damned fool, Richard Castle, and deserve all the pain you're going to get if you marry Kate. Every late night phone call, every late night knock at the door, every time you hear a siren, catch a news flash about a shoot out, you'll die a little inside and eventually it'll kill what you feel and change you. Is that what you want?"

"Is that what happened between you and Kate? I know you don't see as much of her as you'd like and it's her choice."

"That's a story for another time, Rick. Just remember this conversation and don't come crying to me when it happens. I remember quite well what you said that night in the kitchen: that she'll leave you for someone newer, younger, and better looking. That won't be how it happens. You'll either leave or separate yourself from her some how and then no matter what, she'll be gone."

"I hope you're wrong. I know she can be a little obsessive and…"

"A _little?_ Katie's obsessed with her mother's murder and revenge, not justice. She'll use anything, do anything, _use_ anyone, to get her revenge. That's why she won't quit the force, Rick, no matter what cost she or others might have to pay. The job provides her with a legal mantle for revenge."

Castle changed the subject and brought up the 'time line' for their wedding and said that it would have to be revised. He didn't want her physically uncomfortable for the wedding since, he boldly stated, it would be her only one.

The look on Jim Beckett's face was worth money. He smiled and it made him look younger. Castle wasn't exactly sure why but he never looked a gift horse in the mouth.

"And what about your own injury, Rick? How's it healing up?" He, of course, knew all about the primary and secondary injury. His daughter had called him, full of pride and guilt, but mostly pride.

"Fine. Stitches itch like mad sometimes but overall, good."

"Y'know Katie will not want you hovering over her, waiting on her hand and foot, don't you? She's very…independent, even when sick. And she's a mean 'sick', Rick, so be prepared for 'PMS Katie' for the duration. She doesn't like being told what to do and the thought of her following someone else's instruction 'to the letter' will not sit well with her. Just so you know."

A nurse found them back in the waiting room and told them that 'Detective Beckett is in her room. Don't expect any really deep conversation. The anesthesia hit her hard and she's taking her own sweet time with shaking it off. Nothing to worry about. Just don't expect her to be able to hold a conversation in her usual way.'

"Montgomery will want her to give a statement while details are fresh in her mind. I'll call him when she's able to concentrate. Oh, crap! I forgot to call Alexis about Kate. All I told her was that she'd been taken to the hospital. I'll catch up with you in a few minutes, Jim."

The call to Alexis could have gone better. When she answered his phone with 'Is she okay? Why didn't you call sooner? Can I come visit her?' he felt guilt and parental pride.

"I'm sorry but I haven't been exactly able to use my cell in the hospital. Look, she's going to be okay, really, Alexis. She has a nasty cut on her arm that will require a lot of rehab but they've taken her to her own room and her dad's with her. I called him once I knew she was going to be okay. As for visiting her, let's see how she feels. She's probably going to sleep most of the day so we'll discuss visitation tomorrow. Look, are you going to be okay until later?"

"That's good, I mean that's she's going to be okay. I'll see if I can sleep over at Paige's. Grams 'out' for God knows how long on one of her own sleepovers. Tell Kate I said 'hi' and call me if anything changes or – or if you just need to talk, okay?"

"Sure. Gotta fly. I'll call you the minute she can have visitors."

He called Montgomery and advised him of her status even though he knew that Esposito had already done so. The Captain confirmed what he already expected. He would be by with some Internal Affairs cops to take her statement.

He hung up his cell and sighed. He was so tired from the stress and tension but he wanted to be there when she woke up. He needed to be there.

He was almost into the elevator when Rhodes called to inform him that she was returning to California. "Rick, that shit today scared the hell out of me. Look, tell Kate I said to get better and…maybe the two of you could fly out to L.A. and spend some time on the set? I think Kate would love it."

"We'll see. She's going to be off work for a while in rehab and physical therapy but it sounds like something she'd enjoy. I'll call you."

He turned off his cell. _No more interruptions_. He punched the correct floor into the keypad and leaned back against the elevator wall. His own 'scratch' itched and he wondered if that was a good sign or not. It was the least of his worries right now.

* * *

><p>He stopped in her room's doorway and watched as Jim Beckett tearfully told his barely conscious daughter that she'd better realize that she wasn't immortal and that she was going to 'lose Rick' if she didn't quit the force. He couldn't hear her response to her father but when Jim stood up, he had an angry look on his face and walked out of the room. He shot Castle a look and nodded to the hallway.<p>

* * *

><p>"Rick, she's as stubborn as a mule. Talk to her. Get her to quit. She'll listen to you. I can't sit there and watch her in pain knowing that it's not the first time nor the last."<p>

"Jim…I support what Kate wants to do. I have to. It's what couples do – support one another."

"Then you're as stubborn as she is. I supported her mother and look how well that worked out."

Jim Beckett strode down the hallway and wouldn't return to the hospital, not even at Castle's urging through the days that followed.


	32. Chapter 32

Still in Mexico. Enjoy your snow and rain. 84F here.

* * *

><p>Chapter 32<p>

Manhattan South Trauma Center

Things were tense between Kate and her father and some of that stiffness seemed to flow over into how she interacted with Castle. It was worse after Captain Montgomery and the Internal Affairs people had spent the majority of the morning with her and then she'd spent a few of her afternoon hours being examined by several doctors.

Castle walked in bringing her coffee and a 'nutritional supplement' that Lanie had told him was definitely needed to calm Kate down after her interview with the gnomes from IA.

"She's going to be edgy, Rick, so watch what you say. Try and keep the conversation light until she's back on an even keel. Esposito sat through his portion and came out almost in tears! Esposito!"

"Hey, Kate. I brought you a 'nutritional supplement' that Lanie said would definitely improve your outlook on life. And coffee."

He set the pastries on her adjustable tray table beside the coffee. He reached into his inside coat pocket and presented her with a sealed plastic packet of utensils.

Kate had managed to brush her hair but it didn't feel right. She had to do everything with her left hand and nothing seemed as easy or as 'right' once it was done. It made her day all the more stressful and, indeed, she was on edge.

The only bright spot in her day had been when her doctor had made rounds earlier in the morning and had taken great care in examining the wound on her neck. His fingers had been warm and gentle and he assured her that the scar would hardly be noticeable.

"Detective Beckett, um, it's none of my business but the burn scars on your neck and cheek…have you considered plastic surgery?"

She liked the way he'd hesitated in bringing the subject up and she thought it was very charming.

They'd spoken for almost thirty minutes before his pager went off. When he left, they were on a first name basis and she found herself considering plastic surgery for the first time in years. He had patiently explained that with the advent of laser surgery, much of the scarring could be reduced without much pain or an extended hospital stay.

She was feeling pretty good about things until Captain Montgomery and the two dickheads from IA had shown up. The rest of the day had been an emotional wringer for her.

Castle caught the full effect of her 'interview' in the glare she shot him.

"The only thing that would improve my 'outlook on life' was if people would just leave me alone. First my dad gives me an ultimatum and then the Captain and those two ghouls from IA came and asked question after question, and I swear each of them asked the same damned questions just worded differently."

"I talked to Montgomery about the attack. The fault, if there is one, lies with our culture. We're so PC that rather than risk offending Humal, they let her waltz right past the metal detector. You did nothing wrong, Kate. I'm just glad she didn't hurt you worse or... If I lost you…"

"Castle, don't you start on me! First my dad and now you? It's my job, understand? It's what I do."

"Kate, I'd never ask you to quit your job. It's too important to you and it gives you great personal satisfaction. Yeah, I worry about you but not as much as I would if I hadn't been shadowing you all this time and know how good the guys are about covering your back."

She wasn't mollified at all by what Rick said. If anything, it seemed to anger her.

"Don't you dare patronize me, Castle. I don't need it. Go home to Alexis. She needs you more than I do. Tell her I said 'hi' and I miss her but you really need to go home."

"I wasn't patronizing you. I was just stating how I feel. I haven't asked you to quit and I don't intend to. Kate, you've had a long day and the inquisition probably tired you out more than you know so I think I will head on home. Alexis is sleeping over again at Paige's. I'll pass on your message."

He didn't want to further antagonize her. She was tired and she always got argumentative when she got overly tired like now.

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Natalie said to say 'hi' but she's headed back to L.A. I think these past few days of having a really traumatic reality check have shaken her. It'll be interesting to see how she portrays you. She suggested maybe we could fly out since you're on medical leave and tour the studio and just enjoy a few days away from all this."

"I don't know what's going to happen with this," pointing to her thickly bandaged arm, "so we'll see. I'm really tired so I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah. Tomorrow." He didn't even try to kiss her goodnight.

He walked past Lanie and Esposito in the lobby but he was already out the door before they could get his attention. From the look on his face, the visit hadn't gone well.

* * *

><p>Esposito stood in the hall outside Beckett's room at Lanie's request. She didn't want Esposito to witness the conversation she was about to have with her best friend.<p>

"I see your appetite's good," pointing to the remnants of the pastries that she'd told Castle to bring. "Where is the gift bearer? I figured he'd be sitting here beside you holding your hand like a good fiance should." She was trolling for information. She'd seen the look on Castle's face. Well, she'd tried to warn him.

"I told him to go home. I'm really tired. Those ghouls from IA were here and they really dragged me through a meat grinder. So, yeah, I told him to go home."

"Okay. I'll stop by later in the week. You should get – "

"Oh, no, Lanie, you just got here."

"But you said you were tired, Kate."

"I am but at least you're not going to give me a lecture like my dad did about how I'm hurting the people who love me by being a cop. He tried to get Castle to get me to quit but he refused to even discuss it."

"Well, he knows you, Kate. He knows how much being a cop means to you."

Castle and his absence never came up in conversation again that evening. Lanie left after an hour despite Kate's declaration that she wasn't tired. Esposito came in for a few minutes but then took the hint and left to wait for Lanie in the lobby.

* * *

><p>"Y'know, Javi, I think Beckett's having second thoughts about her thing with Castle. She tells him she's tired and wants to sleep and then corrals me into staying. You mark my words, Javier, she's getting cold feet and this time I don't think Castle will be nearly as accommodating as he was in the past."<p>

"I think the whole deal with the Slasher just scared her, that's all. But I wouldn't worry about Castle. He's in it for the long haul. You'll see. She'll snap out of it and they'll be married before you know it."

* * *

><p>By the time Rick got home to the loft it was cold and raining and it matched his mood exactly. He went into the study and started writing and was shocked to find himself hunched over his keyboard several hours later. His arm ached from the position he'd slept in but that was the least of his concerns.<p>

Forty-eight hours earlier they were planning a trip and now, here he was, asleep at his desk and Kate in the hospital. She'd almost died.

The more he thought about his last visit with Kate, the more concerned he became. She seemed indifferent to him and he wondered just how much her father's 'lecture' had affected them as a couple. He glanced at the clock on his computer and grunted. It was way too early for visiting her but he needed to clear the air. He couldn't fix it if he didn't know what was broken.

He took off the bandage and checked on his injury. He could hardly call it a wound. Figuring that warm water and soap would be better than letting it sit under a gauze bandage, he took a shower.

It was still far too early to appear at the hospital so he made himself an omelet and coffee and sat watching the news on CNN. It was nothing new. He had a feeling if he'd replayed a broadcast from a year ago, except for the names of places, the news would be the same.

He sent a text to Alexis reminding her that he was going to be at the hospital for most of the day and asking her to please be responsible and careful. He read it again before he hit SEND and shook his head.

He erased it and sent I'LL BE WITH KATE. HAVE FUN. CALL IF YOU NEED ME. He didn't need to add 'careful' or 'responsible'. It was his daughter, after all, the one who was raising him into the fine man he would one day become.

* * *

><p>Manhattan South Trauma Center<p>

Mike Trent enjoyed talking with Kate Beckett. She was so much different from his girlfriend. She was alive and vital, not a sleep-deprived last year intern like Pam.

They talked about everything while he did a cursory check of her wound. When she told him about how she got it and the background leading up to it, he was amazed.

"Wait! You're the detective that caught the guy who threw acid in your face! Wow, I never made the connection."

"Well, actually my…partner, Richard Castle, caught him. I was busy with chasing him down. He shot Castle but he took him down just like a real cop."

"Real cop? You mean he's not a cop? But you said he was your partner…or did you mean like 'domestic partner'?"

"Oh, no, no. You misunderstood. Castle's a novelist who shadows me and my boys for background for his novels. We're not 'domestic' anything."

Mike immediately noted the lack of proper descriptor for the man who'd been almost crazy when quesitoning him about the detective's status when she was admitted. She didn't mention 'fiance' once. Hmmm. Someone was definitely out of the loop here. Maybe there was trouble in paradise?

* * *

><p>Rick Castle stopped and stood just outside Kate's room. He could see the doctor who handled her initial surgery but he could also hear…and see. Kate was twisting her hair around one finger and giggling like a schoolgirl. <em>We're not domestic anything. <em>

He was still standing there when the young doctor walked out of Kate's room backwards, waving and smiling to her. He turned and walked away, never seeing Rick.

Rick waited a few minutes, long minutes, and then walked into her room and smiled at her. She smiled back but it wasn't the usual 'Kate smile'. This one was somewhat reserved, as if she was uncertain whether she should smile or not.

"I brought you coffee. How're you doing? I thought I saw your surgeon coming out of your room."

"Mike thinks I should consider plastic surgery now that lasers are so effective. I told him I'd have to think about it. I don't want to lose any more time at work. Are you going to give me the coffee, Castle?"

Her tone had changed from the light, pensive tone when talking about the plastic surgery to a more 'Beckett' tone when she asked for her coffee.

"Oh, sorry. Yeah. So, are you going to do it?"

"Haven't been alone long enough to think about it, really. I'll let you know."

The rest of the visit seemed strained with Rick carrying the conversation and Kate finally told him she was really tired and so Rick left her alone to sleep. She was Detective Beckett now. Kate had left the building.

Had she also left the relationship? He remembered his mother's words and what he'd told her father. Had he pushed her too hard and too fast? Was she having second thoughts?


	33. Chapter 33

Warning: Angst alert; just remember, I don't do death fics or UNhappy endings. Real life gives us all enough of them as it is.

OM

* * *

><p>Chapter 33<p>

Manhattan South Trauma Center

Castle arrived well before visiting hours even though he could come and go as he pleased being deemed 'the significant other' by the hospital staff. He was looking for her surgeon, Dr. Trent. He needed a status report on Kate and wanted to ask some questions about rehab.

He had personal concerns he wanted to try and resolve before Kate plunged back into life and their options became more and more limited.

She wasn't wearing his ring. She wore her dad's watch and he knew that she kept her mom's ring and chain in the drawer of the tray table. But she wasn't wearing his ring and it wasn't with her mom's ring. He'd checked when they took her for some nerve conduction tests.

Castle didn't want to come right out and ask her 'where's your engagement ring' because he was afraid of the answer.

Apparently she'd developed quite a 'crush' on Mike Trent and it seemed like the only time she was like she used to be with him was when she was talking to Mike Trent.

He wasn't really jealous. Concerned, yes, but jealous? No. Of course not. What was there to be jealous about?

He knew from talking with psychiatrists when Alexis had been burned that older children and teens frequently exhibited symptoms and behavior of 'arrested development' when their traumas separate them from their peer group.

In simple terms, Kate Beckett was still 17 in some respects emotionally. She'd never gone through a normal socialization process like her peers had.

And he failed to recognize it. It explained her rapid transitions from like to love. Or what she thought was love.

She'd never been dumped by a boyfriend, never been felt up in the backseat of a car, never gone steady, been to a prom, or gone through the usual rites of passage.

And he, dumbass that he was, failed to recognize it. He thought her declarations of love were from a mature woman not a pseudo-teenager still grappling with first love. His mother, damn her, had been right.

Rick remembered Kate's remarks when Alexis was being examined after the kidnapping when he warned her to stay clear for the sake of her career. She said if she had to choose, he'd win every time.

She must have forgotten it. Or realized that it had been a juvenile attempt to comfort him in an emotional time.

He'd stopped by the Precinct to speak with Esposito about the outcome of the IA investigation but he was on 'paid suspension' until the shooting board could meet. Captain Montgomery said that 'Esposito was cleared, just waiting for the paperwork'.

"I dropped by to see Beckett last night. I was surprised that you weren't camped out there, Rick. She'll be discharged Friday and I have to set up a consultation with the Department psych people before she can be cleared to come back to work. Any idea how long rehab will take?"

She hadn't mentioned it the previous evening when _he'd _been in to visit her. She hadn't said much of anything and seemed to be uncomfortable with him being there. He asked her if something was bothering her and she'd dismissed his question with a curt 'no'.

The final straw had been when he'd tried to kiss her goodnight and she'd turned her head and muttered something idiot about 'bad breath'. When he asked if he could bring Alexis by she'd asked him not to.

"I don't want her to see me this way, weak, hurt and…no, please. Just tell her I said 'hi' and I'll talk with her when I get out."

And now here he stood like the dumbass he was, bright and early on Friday morning outside Kate's room door, listening to her laughing and talking animatedly with her Dr. Trent. He almost dropped the coffee he'd brought for her when he heard her remind him, as he left, that he had her number and not to forget to call her 'sometime for that drink'.

To his credit, Trent turned red and appeared embarrassed when he saw Rick standing there and turned and walked quickly away as Rick walked into the room.

"Good morning. A little bird told me you were getting out of here today. I brought you some clothes and your chariot awaits your presence."

"Castle! You startled me." She looked unsure of herself and wouldn't make eye contact.

"Sorry. So, Dr. Trent signed your paperwork yet? Ready to head home?" He laid the small sports bag on her bed and handed her the coffee. He saw that her hair was combed out as well as a right-handed Kate could do with her left and that she had on makeup.

"Castle, about that…I want to stay at my apartment. I make a lousy patient and I don't want to be an imposition on anyone. Just drop me off at my apartment. I need to schedule rehab and Montgomery wants me to see the department shrink and I'll just be in and out all the time. It's easier all around if I just stay at my own place."

"What's this really all about,Kate? You've been distant and seem to resent my very presence here. I've been careful not to 'hover' and I've given you space to just be yourself after the attack. Now you want to go 'home' to your apartment."

"Castle, I've had a lot of time to think. I don't think I'm ready to get married. I overreacted to your injury and…"

"Okay, I get it and I half-expected it but why aren't you wearing your engagement ring, Kate?"

"I – I – I don't want to be engaged. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment to a relationship, Castle. I…"

He stood up, almost shaking in anger and despair but determined to leave with some shred of his dignity intact.

"Keep the ring. I have two of my own that are burden enough. I'll have your things sent over to your apartment. You really do need to see a shrink, Beckett. I'm sure Dr. Trent could give you a recommendation when he calls you about that drink."

Her head jerked up and she made eye contact but quickly looked away. The look in his eyes scared her for a moment. She started to say something, to explain how emotionally confused and uncertain she was but realized she was talking to herself. He was gone.

Rick was walking down the corridor to the elevator bank when Trent came up to him. "Mr. Castle, about Kate…"

That was all he got out before Castle grabbed the lapels of his white lab coat and slammed him up against the wall. His toes could barely touch the tile floor.

"I could have your license for this but it wouldn't make things any better. Hurt her and I'll kill you, Trent." He suddenly realized what he was doing very loudly and released the younger man who dropped to the floor in a daze.

Castle looked at the nurses and others who were standing around watching. Christ! He'd made a mess of things! He shook his head in disgust and then walked away. He felt his self-control reassert itself and wondered if maybe he was the one who needed to see a shrink. Maybe another trip to New Orleans and the clinic...

Kate ran out when she heard the yelling in the corridor and asked a short young blonde doctor what was going on? She saw Mike sitting 'in a pile' on the floor looking dazed and Castle getting onto the elevator.

"What's going on? Your boyfriend just taught my ex-boyfriend a long overdue lesson in ethics, that's all. Let me guess…you've been sweet talked and given him your number and now he's going to call you, right? Good luck with that! It's how he operates."

Three weeks later

Office of Naomi Waltz, Psychotherapist

It was Kate's early morning appointment with the psychiatrist and she was nervous. She needed to get signed off so she could get back to work. The last three weeks had been full of…nothing.

Her father had called her every few days to 'check on her' but hadn't come in to the city to see her. When she mentioned getting together, he always begged off for reasons that made no sense. The conversations were rigid and formal and he never asked about Castle and she never brought him up.

Lanie had dropped by one morning shortly after she'd been discharged but only stayed a few minutes. She told her that Esposito had been cleared by the shooting board and was back at work. She didn't mention anything of a personal nature and Kate was certain she'd bring up Castle but she just kept the topic in safe waters.

Finally, _she_ brought it up and was surprised when Lanie told her curtly, "Save your breath, Beckett. I don't want to hear it." She finished her coffee, rinsed out the mug and said "I'll see you around,Detective. Javier and I are going 'apartment hunting'," and left.

A moving company brought over the stuff she'd left at the loft. She was surprised at how much she'd taken over to the loft in the short time she'd been…

She found a man's blue shirt without buttons hanging in plastic wrap with her other clothes. She tore it off the hangar and intended to throw it away but stopped and put her face in it. It still smelled like 'them'. She put it back on the hangar and put it in the back of her closet.

Her mother's portrait had been carefully wrapped in a sturdy carton and when she took it out of the carton there was a note attached to the frame with tape that read 'She belongs with you, not us'. There was no signature but of course she knew it was Castle's note.

He never called. He didn't even let her try to explain herself. He just left. He promised he'd never leave her.

She used that to justify her behavior. _He_ had left her. _She _was the injured party.

"So, Detective Beckett, are you ready to return to work?"

"Yes! Definitely. I only have a few sessions remaining in rehab and then I'll be ready to get back to being a detective."

"No dreams? No recurring nightmares? No sudden startle responses?" She was reading down a checklist or so it seemed to Kate.

"No, nothing at all like that."

"No sudden changes in relationships with friends, family or loved ones?"

"Nope. Things are fine. I'm fine. I'm talking more to my dad than before. We had an argument about me quitting the force but we're past that."

"And are you 'past' the abrupt end to your relationship with Richard?" Part of the process was to compare 'before and after' situations in the lives of the patients.

"It – I – he left me. He didn't give me a chance to explain…" She pulled her feet up onto the chair and wrapped her arms around her knees, peering out at the doctor from behind her 'barricade'.

"Explain what, Detective?" She'd picked up on her needing to explain something.

"To explain why I wasn't wearing his ring. Why I couldn't marry him. Why I couldn't live with him when I got out of the hospital. All of it. He never gave me a chance to explain. And he was jealous of my friendship with my doctor. We – we talked for hours about things..."

"I see. And that would be Dr. Michael Trent. Was he the reason for your decision to end your relationship with someone you promised to marry?"

Trent no longer had privileges at Manhattan South Trauma Center. Too many complaints from patients and staff. A note in the personnel biography referred to an altercation between him and a patient's fiance that brought the other complaints into focus. The Board acted quickly and pulled his privileges.

"Maybe you didn't hear me, doctor, but Castle left me when he promised he never would. He walked out of my hospital room without giving me a chance to explain…"

"Explain what, exactly, Detective Beckett? Take your time. You have _many_ issues to explore and resolve to my satisfaction before I let you loose on the people of New York. We'll schedule three sessions per week to start. So, let's get started, shall we?"

A/N: The Castle family reaction and adjustments come next as do several therapy sessions with our beloved though batshiit crazy Beckett.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N: pls read this carefully. There are time slips between some scenes. Too bored to bother with tons of separate words no one reads anyway.

OM

* * *

><p>Chapter 34<p>

It hadn't hurt this badly when Alexana died. He could hardly breathe and wondered if he was having a heart attack? He was cold and sweaty and was having a problem organizing his thoughts. The one thing he knew for sure was that he'd embarrassed himself with that childish display of brute force against the skinny younger man, Trent.

He walked up to a cab that had just discharged its passengers and gave the driver the loft address and sat back and let the world have a few moments without him in it.

He needed to have her stuff packed up and taken to her apartment as soon as possible. He wanted no reminders around to tear at the wound. He was no longer responsible for the care, feeding and happiness of Katherine Beckett. It wasn't a burden, really, more like an obsession.

It would take time and he knew he had to close out the _Nikki Heat_ series without possibility of any resurrection. He already had a few ideas including a title: **Dead Heat**. Somehow it seemed appropriate.

His mother would be out and about and he remembered that Alexis was going to go shopping with Paige and a couple of other girls from York Academy after school. The loft was his for a few hours at least. He made a mental note to have someone bring the Ferrari back to the loft. In fact…

"Javier, Rick Castle. There's a weekend loaner for you in the Precinct parking lot. The keys are in Kate's middle desk drawer but she'll no longer need them. You can tool around town with Lanie for the weekend and then park it in the apartment underground parking garage and leave the keys with the doorman, okay?"

"Castle? Where are you? Is Beckett with you?"

"Nope. Alone again. Look, just be careful and have a great time. If anyone stops you, show your badge and the insurance papers in the glovebox. Tell them it's 'official business'. Take Lanie someplace nice."

"Where's Beckett? I thought she was getting out today?"

"She is. I left her clothes and beat up her new boyfriend after she broke off our engagement so she's no longer my concern. Look, I won't be back to the Precinct but you have my number and you're free to drop by anytime, you, Ryan and Lanie. Take care, and don't scratch the paint."

He wondered if he'd discovered something about himself. Was he obsessed with being in love with Kate Beckett, the 'in love part', or had he been obsessed with Beckett herself? He knew he needed to call Jim and apologize for not coming out to the Island and he hoped that this wouldn't make being friends difficult. He liked Jim Beckett. In some respects, he saw him as the father he'd never had.

He called him. He felt a responsibility to let him know the change in status and that he wouldn't be able to make dinner that night.

"What happened, Rick? I thought you two were getting married? I thought…"

"Jim, she broke off the engagement and didn't want to commit to a relationship with me. I told you exactly what would happen and unfortunately I was right. I just…I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Look, feel free to come by the loft and hang out when you're in town. Alexis shouldn't have to pay the price of my poor judgment. You'll always be considered a dear friend of the family."

"Rick, I'm sorry. Y'know, she's as bad as her mother was in some respects. Self-centered, focused on _her_ issues and goals. I'll talk some sense into her, Rick. You're the perfect man for her. I'll make her see that."

"No! Please. Just leave things as they are. She made her decision and you should respect it. Look, I'm sorry to dump this on you but I felt you needed to know. She'll need her dad even if she doesn't realize it. I've got to go. We're at my stop. Remember…you're family. Don't be a stranger."

He hung up. He was done with it. Now all he had to do was live with it. Living was the hard part.

Two weeks later he was in Los Angeles, up to his armpits in rewrites. The writers and the director had had severe 'creative differences' and the production was over budget and behind schedule. They'd already shot all the location shots but were having problems with several scenes and thus, the writer was summoned to put all to right.

He had already had his own 'creative differences' with the little asshole. Castle's first day on the set he started screaming at Natalie about some little nuance that the audience wouldn't even notice and he'd used language that Castle deemed 'inappropriate'.

They were shooting an outdoor scene at a swimming pool and Heat was supposed to rise up out of the water wearing her smile and bikini bottoms. Rick had already seen the bikini top when Natalie came out of wardrobe and it was almost nonexistent. Natalie wore the top in the first shot and the little twerp had a fit.

"Get those tits out where the audience can see 'em. That's why you got the part so…" Natalie looked at him and shook her head. Castle felt so proud of her.

"No. No boob flashes. This scene doesn't need it and I won't do it."

The idiot called her a particularly foul name and proceeded to cuss her out for being too stupid to understand that this was 'art'. His language just got worse until Natalie was almost in tears. She kept looking at Rick and Rick finally he lost his temper.

He grabbed the director by the collar and belt and tossed him into the pool. You could have heard a gnat fart on the set and then people started laughing and applauding. Natalie came over and kissed his cheek and said 'Thanks, Castle. I guess Nikki Heat's suddenly a prude, huh?' and laughed.

One of the three producers was sitting there, watching, and he pulled out his cell and called someone. When the director finally crawled out of the pool and started screaming, Dilly, the producer, told him he was fired for despicable conduct.

"Castle, you figure you can direct this piece of shit?" He wanted to put Castle on the spot. He needed brought down a peg. He'd just cost the producers a lot of time and money.

"Nope, but Natalie can. She's got a degree and good instincts. You can't do this without a director and she's got an excellent understanding of the character. You don't have a hair on your skinny ass if you don't give it a whirl, Dilly. And she'll do it for what she's being paid now, won't you, Nat?"

* * *

><p>Diablo's<br>Beverly Hills

Rick and Natalie were having a late lunch and Natalie had grilled him about what had happened between him and Kate. After a brief and edited version, she got really quiet and then looked up at him with those huge green eyes and started to say something when a big burly guy interrupted her.

"Mr. Richard Castle?" Rick turned and smiled, thinking it was a fan. He nodded and the man handed him a manila envelope and said, "Richard Castle, you have been served. Sorry for the interruption. Have a nice day, sir."

Family Court  
>Los Angeles<p>

Meredith was suing Castle for joint custody and it looked like she might win. The only thing Castle had going for him was that Alexis was a resident of New York state and that Castle had yet to bring out the 'big guns' of Meredith's addiction and just how Alexis came to be in sole custody in the first place. He didn't want to drag it out in open court. It would make the papers and might hurt Alexis.

"Mr. Castle, do you have anything to say, any offer or any evidence that the court might view as pertinent?"

He stood and looked over at Meredith. "Your honor, may I request a brief recess to discuss this with my daughter's mother? I promise to…"

"No, Mr. Castle. Say what you have to say here in open court and on the record." The woman would test the patience of a saint.

"Fine. My daughter is terrified of her mother. For 8 years she would wake up screaming 'Don't hurt me, mommy' and for 8 years I was the one who calmed her down. I was mother and father and I've done a damned good job. She attends the best school in Manhattan and is a straight A student."

"Mr. Castle, that has little bearing on…"

"The hell it doesn't. She dumped a pot of boiling water on my daughter. She was high on pills and Alexis was making too much noise. Ask her. It's the truth. She was 3 years old!"

Meredith's attorney spoke up. "Your honor my client is willing to…"

"Stop this! Just stop this! Ricky, I love my daughter. I want to get to know her. I'm clean and sober and I've been so for 3 years. I'll submit to weekly drug tests, anything you want but please, Rick, let me have my chance to be her mother? Please?"

"Meredith, what about school? We can't jerk her out of one school and dump her in another twice a year. It's not fair to her. Listen, I wanted to suggest this during a recess," and here he shot the judge a 'go to Hell look', "but I'll compromise. Christmas, semester breaks and the entire summer beginning a week after school's out and ending a week before it starts. That's my offer. And for the first summer, I want a court approved 'companion' to supervise things. That's my offer. Take it and we're done. Turn it down and I'll tie this up in court for the next 2 years, 4 months and 7 days until she turns 18."

"Mr. Castle, the court…"

"My daughter resides in the jurisdiction of the State of New York. I know more judges than you can begin to count and the Attorney General and Governor are personal friends. I know my rights. Unless you kidnap my daughter from her home state, the paper this court issues is just that, paper."

"Mr. Castle, you are in contempt!"

"Your honor, I accept, gladly. It's more than fair and it's what's best for our daughter." Meredith had tears streaming down her face and the judge knew it was best for the child.

"So ordered. Mr. Castle, get out of my sight."

He called his mother as soon as he got out of court. She'd been really great about the breakup and hadn't said 'I told ya so' once. She hadn't even hinted at it. The only comment she made pertinent to Beckett was that she had thrown away the best thing she'd ever have.

That was the end of it until he tried to explain their breakup to Alexis and she'd cut him off. He'd covered the bare bones but she went right to the heart of the matter.

"Dad, I understand completely. Her love for you was conditional and that meant it really wasn't too deep. I know Kate believed she was in love with the last man she'd ever sleep with but I think I knew it wasn't true. In some ways, Dad, she's younger than me. Maybe that's why it was so easy to talk with her about things."

"You could have left out the 'sleeping with' part, Alexis, but I'm glad you don't hate her or anything. Her dad's going to drop by from time to time. You two got along really well, right?"

"Yeah, but how are _you_ doing? I hope it doesn't mean another makeover of the study or that you're blocked. You need to get back on the horse, Dad. Get out there. Find a woman and have a good time. You shouldn't be alone, Dad. It's not good for you. You'll find her someday, your perfect woman, and then I'll be able to head off to college without worrying about you."

Alexis had wanted the three of them to go to the beach house for the summer. She wanted her dad to 'reconnect' with life and not go into some super sulk when he let his mind dwell on Beckett and how much he missed her.

"That's a great idea, Alexis. Maybe some mermaid will wash up and I can save her."

"Don't push your luck, Dad."

'_And instead of the beach house', _thought Castle, _'she'll be in California with Meredith. I didn't even ask her about custody. I think she'll hate me.'_

His mother took the news of his 'loss of custody' particularly hard. She hated Meredith and had really poisoned the mind of her granddaughter over the years. Castle had finally taken her aside and warned her that Meredith was getting Alexis for Christmas, semester break and the summer.

She blamed him for not fighting hard enough, for not dragging it out in public as well as court. Martha was not above hurting her son to help him.

"If you'd fought for Beckett, Richard, maybe none of this would have happened. If you were married…"

"Mother, don't say another damned word. Not one. You are here at my pleasure and if you continue to press, you can find another sandbox to play in." He hadn't even given a second thought to echoing Beckett's comments to him when the FBI had picked up the first set of Slasher file.

She'd stepped over the line but was too stubborn and they had the first really bitter argument in years and Alexis caught the tail end of it when she got home from school.

She looked at her father like he'd betrayed her and went to her room, crying. His mother looked at him sadly and asked, 'Now are you satisfied? You've managed to rid yourself of all the women who love you, Richard. Aren't you proud of yourself?"

* * *

><p>Kate Beckett hated therapy, the therapist, the Department that required it to return to duty, her coworkers who were suddenly too busy for lunch or drinks or just drop by and say 'hi'. She really hated the way being alone so much made her think about how things had fallen apart so suddenly.<p>

This morning was her 8th therapy session and after she'd complained to her therapist that 'this shit is a waste of time. I'm ready to go back', her therapist had arranged an 'object lesson' for Kate. She and her therapist were meeting at the State Police training facility in Suffolk. She was going to let her run their version of the FBI's Hogan's Alley.

Kate left the apartment early to beat the traffic. She really missed the Ferrari and how Castle's face lit up every time she…

'_Don't go there. What's done is done. I made the only decision I could. He was right. He was just my first love. There are a lot of men out there like him who won't notice the scars, like Mike. I wonder why he hasn't called me?'_

Hogan's Alley consisted of two parts: the first was simply targets that popped up at various distances while the second was a 'street' with targets that appeared in doorways and windows.

There was a wrinkle though – some targets on both ranges were civilians and if you shot one of them rather than an armed target, well, you were up shit creek and failed.

To make matters more difficult, each simulation was timed. Take too long and you failed. Go through too quickly and you invariably popped a civilian – and you failed.

Dr. Waltz, her therapist, stood behind the firing line and watched as the range officer briefed Kate, handed her a firearm just like the one she carried and three magazines. He went over the procedure and safety rules and then nodded to someone out of sight and left.

A loudspeaker crackled, "Officer Ready?" and Kate raised her hand indicating that she was ready. She was wearing ear protectors and shooting glasses as required.

The first three pop-up targets were bad guys with obvious weapons and she fired and hit all three. The fourth was a civilian and Kate had almost pulled the trigger. The fifth was a bad guy and she popped him in the head, feeling more comfortable. The sixth was a cardboard cutout of Richard Castle from one of his book signings. She stared at it, shocked.

And then she fired.

And hit him right between the eyes.

She froze, unable to move and shocked at what she'd done. She _knew_ it was Castle and yet she fired anyway. The pistol fell to the table top and she whipped off her eye glasses and ear protectors. She started to shake and could feel the tears building up.

'_What have I done?' _She wasn't sure if she meant hitting the wrong target or what she'd done to so many people who loved her.

"Still think you're ready to return to duty, Kate?" Dr. Waltz' voice spoke quietly and kindly from behind her. "We still have a lot of work ahead of us."


	35. Chapter 35

Skipping ahead a few months. Remember my promise.

* * *

><p>Chapter35<p>

Castle Loft  
>NYC<p>

Jim Beckett had dropped by unannounced and was pleased to see Rick in good spirits. From their almost weekly telephone conversations, he knew that Alexis had gone back to California in keeping with the custody agreement, that he had finished his final _Nikki Heat_ novel and was at loose ends.

"How are you holding up, Rick? I didn't get to talk to you at the funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss. Martha was a wonderful woman and I know both you and Alexis miss her terribly."

"Yeah, but each day gets a little better. The last weeks before…before her heart attack…shit, Jim. We argued more in those last weeks than we did in our entire lives. She was so bitter about the custody battle and couldn't understand why I didn't fight it. I couldn't. It was bad enough that the local papers in L.A. picked it up. If I'd fought it, it would have been horrible for Alexis."

"And bitter about my daughter's abrupt absence from your lives. Oh, don't look surprised, Rick. Your mother and I talked a lot after Kate…after you two broke up. I tried to set Martha straight and she understood the situation but not your reaction. No matter what she may have said, she knew that Kate broke it off and that you were the 'injured party'. She did, Rick."

"Y'know, she said…she said the most horrible thing to me in a fit of temper but…but I'll always remember it. She said, 'You've managed to rid yourself of all the women who love you, Richard. Aren't you proud of yourself?' Like I had a choice? Like I've ever, ever had a choice. I've never…"

Rick drained the cut glass tumbler and refilled it with Scotch. He didn't care that Jim Beckett was in recovery. He wanted the numbness, the oblivion, that came with the liquor's harsh burn. It was becoming an elusive state, the numbness, and required more liquor each time he sought it.

Jim leaned back in the chair and stared hard at the man he had hoped to call 'son' some day. He didn't like what he saw. The man across the poker table from him was a shadow of the Rick Castle he'd met before Christmas. The last seven months had taken a terrible toll on him.

"She didn't even bother showing up for the funeral, Jim."

He whispered the words quietly and in an almost absent minded way but Jim Beckett knew who 'she' was and it still made him angry that his daughter 'had plans' and couldn't change them when he called and told her of Martha's death.

"Rick, let her go. Move on. No one would blame you, certainly not me and I'm her father. She's back on The Job and that's all she really wants out of life for now. Let her go. You're too good a man to waste his life…"

"Like you've 'moved on' from Johanna?" He shocked himself when he said it. He quickly apologized.

"I'm sorry, Jim. That was a shitty thing to say. I just…"

"Apology accepted but unnecessary. I _have_ moved on, Rick. I met a woman in one of the classes I teach and we've gone out to dinner and a movie a few times. She's in her 40s and she thinks I'm still a young man. Must be blind."

They shared a chuckle and Castle finished his drink and poured himself another, ignoring Jim's disapproving stare.

"What? I like the numbness, Jim."

"So did I, Rick. That's how it started. Quit now. Come to AA. Get some help. Don't lose your life to a bottle of Scotch like I did."

"I can quit any time I want. I just don't want to. So, tell me about this mystery woman. Can I meet her?"

That ended any talk about Castle's drinking. He could see himself in the younger man and if anyone had reason to drink, it was Rick. He needed a distraction, something to fill the void in his life left by the changes. He loved his daughter but he hated what she'd done to Richard Castle and he made up his mind to do something about. His promise to Rick about not discussing 'the breakup' with Kate took a back seat to his young friend's future.

* * *

><p><em><span>Heat Wave – The Movie<span>_ premiered in Los Angeles to excellent reviews. Castle was expected to attend but he begged off when Natalie asked him to be her escort. He simply stated that it was too soon after his mother's death for him to be 'partying'.

"Okay, Rick, but we're opening in New York in two weeks and I really want to see you, okay? Please? I don't want to be one of those divas who shows up on the red carpet alone."

"I'll think about it. Maybe one of the guys from the Precinct would be a better tie-in to the movie than the guy that wrote the book."

"No, Castle. I want you. No one else, Rick, just you. The crew from the 12th will be there, too, so you won't be among strangers. There's a private party afterwards for the Precinct."

"On second thought, Natalie, no. I'm going to be very busy working on the final draft of _Dead Heat_. Find someone else." He hung up the phone. He didn't want to be reminded of the 12th.

* * *

><p>Rick talked to Alexis almost every night just to check on her. He missed her and worried about her being alone in California but she assured him that she was 'fine'. "Here, talk to Mom."<p>

"Hey, Rick. She's doing great. You really need to come out here, honey, and spend a few days with her. I know how you must miss her and…I don't want you alone in that barn with just memories. Please, Rick?"

"Maybe in a month or so, Meredith. I think it's best if she has more 'Mom time' without me gumming up the works. It sounds like you two are getting along."

"Yeah, we are. Listen, I did something I felt needed to be done, Rick. Please don't be mad but I told her about the hearing and how hard you fought. She needed to know, honey. She was so damned angry with you and from what she tells me, so was Martha. I couldn't let her think you didn't love her enough to fight for her."

He got all choked up and whispered a quick goodbye and went into his study and just sat staring out the window at the city_. 'You've managed to rid yourself of all the women who love you, Richard. Aren't you proud of yourself?'_

'Not all of them, Mother.'

* * *

><p>12th Precinct<p>

Detective Beckett strutted into the bullpen and set her coffee down on her desk and then fired up her computer. The murder board was empty for a change and she had a ton of paper work to catch up on.

Sensing that it was too quiet, she looked around and saw that she was the only one sitting at their desk. The boys were nowhere to be found and Captain Montgomery wasn't in his office, either.

A few minutes later the break room door opened and a crowd of laughing police officers and detectives came walking out, going back to their desks and duties.

"Hey, Beckett. How have you been?" Natalie Rhodes, blonde again, was standing beside her desk, smiling down at her. The smile didn't reach her eyes, however.

"Hello, Natalie. What brings you back to New York? Another film?" She didn't care why she was there. She was an irritating interruption in her daily routine. Since petitioning the board for reinstatement and demanding an end to her 'therapy', she'd been meticulous in keeping her personal life – personal.

"No. Just came by to deliver the tickets to the premiere and the information on the after-premiere party to the guys. I have one for – "

"I'm busy. Thanks, anyways." She was curt. Almost rude. She saw Esposito and Ryan staring at her and felt uncomfortable again. They were distant, cool even, but very professional calling her 'Detective' and always being very formal and professional. The Humal Slasher case had changed their relationship.

"Oh, I just stopped by to say 'hi'. I didn't want to ignore you and be rude. Not good for my new image. I just have to drop off Lanie's and I'm gone. I'm glad you're healthy and back to work. Rick was so scared that you wouldn't be able to come back when I talked to him before I left. Well, goodbye, Detective Beckett. I hope you rent and enjoy the DVD when it comes out."

She could see Esposito give Ryan a high-five. Angry and hurt, she turned back to her computer screen. '_Damn it, I'm Nikki Heat. Why wasn't I invited? He was afraid I wouldn't be able to come back?'_

* * *

><p>Morgue<p>

"Oh, girlfriend, Javi just sent me a text. She walked right into it and he said you delivered your lines with 'devastating effect'." She made air quote signs with her fingers.

"She sits up there looking so smug after what she did to Rick! Honestly, it was all I could do not to say something really cutting like 'Is your new boyfriend worth what you did to him?' but I wanted to stick it to her without being catty."

"Speaking of Castle, any luck on getting the Hermit out for a night on the town?" She meant getting him to the premiere. No one had seen or heard from Castle since Martha's funeral. Lanie had been really pissed at Beckett for not bothering to show up after all the Castles, especially Martha, had done for her. It was damned disrespectful to the whole family.

"Nope but I was wondering if maybe we could have a 'mobile party' and take it to his place? Alexis is in LA; he's by himself in that mausoleum. I saw her last week at brunch. She's doing okay and seems to be adjusting to life with her mother, Meredith."

"That's a great idea. I'll plan on it."

* * *

><p>The guys were just getting ready to leave when Beckett announced 'We have a body reported near Central Park' and started gathering up her purse and keys. "Well, come on, guys, move it. I said we have a body."<p>

"Beckett, Esposito and Ryan are off rotation tonight. So are you. Karpowski's team will handle it. I'll see you all at the premiere and after-party." Captain Montgomery had made allowances for the team. He wanted them to enjoy their brief moments of fame. It was good for morale.

The boys and Captain Montgomery got on the elevator and the last thing she saw of them was the look of satisfaction on Esposito and Ryan's faces and the look of utter indifference on the Captain's.

* * *

><p>Castle's Loft<p>

His bags were packed and he'd double checked that he had everything he'd need for the remainder of the summer. Most of his 'Hamptons' clothing was at the beach house anyway. He was leaving New York and going to the beach house. He planned on going out to LA for a week and see Alexis but other than that, he had no plans to return to the city until Alexis did. At the last minute, he opened his safe, pulled out his passport and credit cards and stuffed them into his jacket pocket.

_Dead Heat_ was due to be released in September and his publisher and ex-wife was both pleased with the promptness and disturbed by the content.

"Rick, why did you end it? More importantly, why did you end it _this_ way? You've closed the door to any future sequels just like when you…oh, okay. Sorry. You're saying 'goodbye' to Beckett. I understand. Look, if you just need to talk, call me. No strings, Rick, I promise." He erased her message from the answering machine.

Anything involving a woman came with strings attached. He solved that problem by simply avoiding women. Any woman. The Hermit was back. Rick Rodgers was back. Richard Castle was safely tucked away where he couldn't be hurt any more.

'_You've managed to rid yourself of all the women who love you, Richard. Aren't you proud of yourself?'_

Rick glanced at his watch. The premiere was over and he hoped everyone was having a great time at the after-party. He hated turning Natalie down but he knew he'd be shitty company for such a fun event. He would try to make it up to her the next time he was in Los Angeles.

He left the loft and took the elevator down to the parking garage, loaded his single bag into the Ferrari and set out for his house on Long Island. He'd been drinking heavily throughout the day and had a drunk's overconfidence in his driving abilities.

* * *

><p>Beckett's Apartment<p>

Jim Beckett had left his daughter in tears sitting on her couch. He had told her 'truths' that she should have learned at 17 and later on through basic socialization but hadn't. Rick had been right all along, damn him.

She interpreted the normal transference that patients develop for their physicians or nurses as love. Being socially challenged and inexperienced, she acted inappropriately and unfortunately for her, her doctor was somewhat of a sexual predator.

It had all gone downhill from there. Her 'new love' never called and she took it badly. She was too afraid and unsure of how to act so she never tried to patch things up with Castle. She remembered his last words to her and went into denial big-time. It was all 'his' fault.

It was only after she 'killed' Castle during an impromptu therapy exercise that she began to realize just how badly fucked up she was. She petitioned for reinstatement and made a deal with her therapist: let her return to work and she'd stay in therapy.

* * *

><p>Long Island Expressway<p>

'_Jesus, Rick, better watch the speed. Don't want to have a photo spread on TMZ…'_

The big Ferrari's speed had crept up slowly from 65 to 80 and Castle just shook his head. The Beast wanted to be free to 'run' but Castle knew better. Once, alone of course, he'd had the speedometer up to 120mph but had backed off when he felt the front end go 'mushy'.

He got off the LIE earlier than normal and pushed the Beast hard on the winding rounds that ran parallel to the beaches. He felt invincible. The alcohol in his system and the purring of this incredible piece of machinery lulled him into a state of invincibility. The speedometer crept up past 80 again and he laughed as the drifted through turns skirting the New England rock walls that bordered the roadway in places.

God Damn but it felt good to be free for a while!

Easthampton, Long Island

The pursuing patrol cars were lagging far behind the speeding Ferrari but had been able to 'run the plates' on the vehicle. It helped them immensely in their notification process of next of kin. The Ferrari had struck the low, stone wall going in excess of 110mph, flipped over and burst into flames after careening into an electrical sub-station and plunging the small town into darkness.

A/N: Read my profile before sending anthrax-laden emails. Btw, I've had my shots.


	36. Chapter 36

A/N: Nya Nya...

unbelievable response to the last chapter. some of you are way too invested in fan fic.

OM

* * *

><p>Chapter 36<p>

July 1

The after-party had been a bust without Castle. The doorman had told them that 'Mr. Castle is out on the Island at the beach house for the remainder of the summer'. That had definitely put the kibosh to the party.

Natalie Rhodes had been really upset and Montgomery wondered if Castle and the movie star had a relationship in the making. He hoped so. Castle had to move on.

* * *

><p>July 2<p>

Roy Montgomery was awakened at 4am on July 2 by a call from the State Police that a vehicle 'assigned' to the 12th Precinct had been involved in a single-vehicle accident with fatalities. The vehicle, a Ferrari, had a DMV notation that it was in use by the 12 Precinct, NYPD.

The caller told Roy everything that was known about the incident believing that the vehicle may have been used in a narcotics sting.

"No, nothing so colorful. In fact, it's been returned to its owner. I'll handle the notifications of Next of Kin. The driver was a part-time consultant for the department."

He called the first person on his 'mental' list, listened to it ring, go to voice mail and hung up. He drank the cup of coffee his wife had made him and tried again. Beckett answered. She'd obviously been asleep.

"Detective Beckett, Richard Castle was killed last night in a single vehicle accident on Long Island. Please accept my condolences."

He hung up. He had nothing more to say to his detective. Not true. He had a lot to say but it would be considered unprofessional and inappropriate if he'd said what he thought.

She was a cold bitch since returning to duty. She didn't even sound disturbed by his 6am phone call. She simply thanked him for his courtesy and hung up.

Lanie had been at Esposito's when the Captain's call came. She burst into tears when Javier told what the Captain had said. She vowed never to speak with Kate Beckett again.

Kevin Ryan got up, dressed and went to mass to light a candle for his friend.

No one could find a telephone number for Meredith Rodgers. Neither Paula nor Gina had one. Alexis Rodgers enjoyed her July 4th weekend and looked forward to her dad's visit mid-summer.

The police were unable to identify his female companion. DNA would be sent to the State Lab in Albany. For now, she was simply listed as Jane Doe although the wags in the morgue referred to her as 'Crispy Jane'. It was a holiday weekend and no one much cared about a dead rich drunk or his dead girlfriend.

* * *

><p>Jim Beckett's Home<p>

He got up early as was his habit. He turned on the local news channel and listened to the talking heads drone on about the economy, the election, the news from Afghanistan, while he busied himself making coffee and breakfast.

Jim heard the words 'noted author Richard Castle' and stopped what he was doing and turned up the volume and sat down and listened as the commentator almost gleefully described the accident scene and the on-site interviews.

He turned off the TV and called his daughter. There was no answer and that sent up warning flags. She always answered her cell phone.

Jim threw on clothes and grabbed his keys and left. His daughter needed him even if she'd never admit it. She was her mother's daughter and like Johanna, she focused on her goal to the exclusion of almost everything and everyone around her.

Beckett's apartment

It took her by surprise. She was going through her closet to see if she had something appropriate to wear to the funeral when she found his blue shirt on the hanger. She reached for it and brought the shirt up to her face and inhaled his scent, their scent, and she started to cry and couldn't stop.

She heard her phone ring but couldn't possibly answer it. She was lying on her bed, face buried in his shirt and sobbing her heart out. Her therapist had been right all along. She was following in her mother's footsteps, pushing away those who loved her for her Goddamned quest. It ran deeper than simple transference. Far deeper and they'd been making such progress that she finally felt able to talk to him but now…

She cried herself into a dream-wracked sleep and she relived the hospital scene over and over and over…

* * *

><p>Phil's Quick Stop<br>8 miles south of Easthampton

The day manager opened up the store and processed the records for the 'unattended' night shift. The pumps were left on and set to 'credit card only' at 10pm. The amount of business at night didn't justify a clerk.

He noted that there were only two customers all night. The first one had not purchased any fuel. The credit card had been declined. The second, a few minutes later, racked up a substantial purchase. Few people bought the best grade of gasoline, not at these prices, but this guy had purchased 15 gallons of the good stuff.

Curious, he accessed the CCTV video file for the time of purchase and watched as a big man climbed out of a frikken' Ferrari, swiped his card, pumped gas and replaced the hose. Figures. Only the damned 'Rich & Shameless' could afford…

He stopped and keyed in a rewind command and watched again as the man replaced the hose and opened the vehicle door. A young woman approached him and got his attention while a man appeared from nowhere and whacked him in the head from behind with a tire iron and then the two of them kicked the crap out of the guy and then dragged his body off-camera somewhere. A full two minutes later, the pair returned and drove off in the Ferrari.

He called the local cops and told them what he saw on the video. Ten minutes later, the parking lot was full of police vehicles and news vans. He was pissed because the cops were drinking all his coffee and not paying for it.

He wasn't dumb though. He copied the video file to disc and sold copies to the TV crews for as much as $400 each.

The police began searching the woods and scrub brush that formed a barrier between the roadway and the beach for a body. Several of them felt that the carjackers had probably taken the body far enough out onto the beahthat the tide would have carried it out to sea.

The Coast Guard was alerted and posted notices to all vessels.

* * *

><p>Kate Beckett's apartment<p>

Jim Beckett knocked, then pounded, and finally used his key to open his daughter's apartment door. He found her half-dressed, asleep with her face crushed into a man's blue dress shirt. He could figure the rest out himself.

"Katie, Katie? Wake up, sweetheart. I'll make coffee. We need to talk, okay? No more walls, Katiebug. We have to talk about your mom and how you're destroying everything good in your life for someone who…look, get up, shower and come out when you're ready. I'll make coffee."

"Oh, Daddy, he's dead…Rick's dead and I never got to tell him…I've learned so much…I was ready, Daddy, I really was…" She hugged her father like never before. She hadn't felt this torn and ravaged since her mother died, but this, this was different. She _caused_ this.

* * *

><p>Phil's Quick Stop<p>

The Chief of Police of the Village of Easthampton held a press conference. He was in his glory. A high speed chase and a celebrity murder all in the same night! He adopted a solemn mien and addressed the crowd of reporters and cameras.

"Last night at approximately 11:40pm, Mr. Richard Castle, the crime novelist, stopped for gas. After filling his tank he was accosted and beaten with a tire iron and then kicked several times. Closed circuit video shows a man and a woman dragging Mr. Castle's body away. Our police force has combed the area without discovering the victim's body and we must conclude that the murderers dragged the body down to the surf line where it was swept out to sea on the tide."

"It is poetic justice that the two murderers were forced into a high speed chase in excess of 110mph that ended when the driver lost control of Mr. Castle's Ferrari while fleeing my officers, struck a stone retaining wall, careened into an electrical substation and burst into flames."

"The Coast Guard is conducting a search for Mr. Castle's remains. That is all I have."

* * *

><p>Lanie called Beckett to make sure she saw the news. She didn't intend to say much, just make sure that she saw the surveillance video, heard the press conference and was going to attend the funeral. What she did intend to do was go over there and kick the shit out of Kate Beckett if she said she wasn't going to bother with the funeral.<p>

When a man answered, she almost hung up. _'Damn her! She's got some man in her apartment!'_

"Who the hell is this!" Lanie was about two steps past pissed off and was putting on her shoes in preparation for a trip to give Beckett a well-deserved ass-whoopin'.

"This is Jim Beckett, Kate's father. She's…she's not feeling well and can't come to the phone. Who's this?"

"Mr. Beckett, this is Lanie Parish. I'm the ME over at…"

"I know who you are, Dr. Parish. Kate's spoken highly of you. Look, she's really torn up about Rick's death and I don't want to leave her alone. She's in the shower but when I got here…I really can't leave her alone right now."

"Mr. Beckett, Rick wasn't driving the car. He was carjacked but it looks like they killed him and dragged his body off into the trees beside the beach. The police up there think that the tide washed his body out to sea. I don't know what to think. Those folks up there know their own turf so it's probably what happened. Turn on the news. They're broadcasting it every few minutes it seems."

Jim hung up and turned on Kate's TV and half listened to the broadcast while listening to his daughter cry in the shower.

Kate came out towel drying her hair and sat beside her dad. She'd pulled on jeans and a tank top and was wearing Rick's buttonless shirt over it.

"Who was on the phone, Daddy?" She leaned against him and sipped at her coffee, not really caring.

"Lanie Parish. Katie, Rick wasn't driving the Ferrari. He was carjacked and there's a surveillance video from the gas station but Lanie said it's pretty graphic. The cops up there think they dumped him on the beach and the tide swept the body out to sea. I'm sorry but I don't think you should watch it, honey."

"No! I want – I need to see it. I need to see him. Turn on the TV, Dad. I need to see it."

She held on to her father as she watched the video. Right as Rick's body was pulled by his feet out of camera range she saw something…

"There! Did you see it? Did you? His arm…he wasn't dead. He was alive!" She called Lanie and told her what she'd seen. Lanie told her that it was 'just wishful thinking' and that it didn't mean a damned thing and hung up on her.

She watched as the camera panned across the crowd and zoomed in on the police briefer. "Dad, I know that place! It's a mile down the road from Rick's beach house. It's called…I don't remember but Rick said it was a convenience store 'Hamptons style'."

Her mind was going a mile a minute, weighing the evidence against the hope she felt in her heart. He couldn't be dead. The universe didn't feel empty like it would if he were. She made up her mind and grabbed her keys.

"C'mon, Dad. He's alive and I'm going to find him." Her eyes held a glint of madness but her father knew she had to do this if only to get some sense of closure.

* * *

><p>Beach house<br>July 2

Everything hurt. His head, his ribs, his stomach, his back…almost everything.

He had no idea how he'd managed to get to the beach house, find the spare key hidden in Alexis' artificial 'rock', and make it into bed, but he had.

He was thirsty but just thinking about moving was too much. He woke up several times to vomit up blood and bile, rinse his mouth out, and then crawl back onto the unmade bed. Each trip seemed to take longer than the previous one. The first time was the worst. The blood from his forehead had clotted onto the comforter and when he got up, he tore it open again.

That hurt.

This time he was literally crawling from the bathroom to the bed. Standing was out. As dizzy as he was, standing was a no-no. He'd just fall and hurt himself again. Pulling himself up onto the bed was suddenly an insurmountable task so he just lay there on the floor wishing things had been different.

He was so damned tired. He wanted his mother. He wanted to see Alexis one last time, hear her laugh and see her smile. An image of Beckett sitting at his breakfast nook, her hair all askew, wearing only a smile and his blue buttonless shirt came to mind.

Curling into a ball, he fell asleep again, unaware of the shit storm he'd caused. Even if he'd known, he felt too miserable to care. He wasn't stupid. He knew the signs. He'd been trained. He was bleeding internally. He was dying.


	37. Chapter 37

This is far, far from being the last chapter.

* * *

><p>Chapter 37<p>

Kate finally convinced her father to let her drive. He poked along a few miles under the speed limit and she had no patience with his driving on _normal_ days.

They were halfway there when Kate's cell rang and she handed it to her dad saying 'Answer it and tell whoever it is that I'm really busy and don't care what they want. It can wait'.

Jim answered the phone more diplomatically than his daughter had demanded and listened carefully to the caller and then put the phone on speaker.

"Beckett, Parish. I watched the video again. I recorded it and I've watched it four more times. He _did_ seem to move both his arms independently but Kate, it could have been a response to the scapulae being manipulated by debris on the road surface."

"Fine, Parish. I'll take that as a 'he might be alive' and follow my original plan. Thank you." She pushed the END button and sped up a bit. "He's not dead, Dad. Castle's a rock of a man and he wouldn't go down without fighting. He was unconscious, yes, but not dead. I know it."

"What are we going to do when we get there?"

"_YOU _are going to drive up to Castle's beach house and check it out and wait for me. I'm going to walk north from the Quick Stop and look for tracks, signs of a body falling, anything."

"Katie, what if he's…what if the tide – "

"No! He's not dead. I can't feel his absence. I know it doesn't make any sense but I can still feel our connection even after all I've done – I still feel him."

Kate told her dad what to look for and how to find Castle's place and to be careful on the sandy track through the saw grass and dunes to his place.

Hugging him for luck, she took off running into the wooded thicket and started her search. Kate pulled off her impractical shoes once she hit the beach and wriggled her toes in the sun-warmed sand. _'Move it, Beckett. He might be just over the next dune.'_

She was methodical and meticulous but didn't find any signs until she'd moved up the beach a few hundred yards.

She found a disturbance in the damp sand uncovered by the retreating tide. A man had dropped onto his hands and knees. If there was any blood spoor, the moisture in the sand had diluted it to invisibility. Still it was the first sign she'd seen and so she jogged slowly up the beach towards the beach house looking for signs.

About 100 yards closer to Castle's place and farther up the strand from the tide line, she found another spot where he'd collapsed on hands and knees. This time there was a dried pool of blood about the size of a saucer. From the impressions of his hands and knees, he'd vomited up the dark mass.

Kate felt a wave of terror pass through her and she picked up her pace, watching yards ahead for another sign he'd passed by this spot or that spot and praying she wouldn't see a body sprawled on the sand.

She could finally see the beach house around the spit of sand dunes and sprinted the rest of the way, terrified that she was too late.

She stopped to put on her sandals and then ran up the 5 plank steps to the wrap-around porch and opened the door. She sensed the warble of sirens in the distance but her entire focus is on finding Castle.

"Dad? Dad, where are you?"

* * *

><p>July 3<p>

The hospital was very quiet at 4am. Kate leaned back in the recliner and watched Rick sleep. She wished she could sleep but every time she closed her eyes she saw his body lying in a pool of blood and she remembered feeling the world go dark as it spun around her.

Her father's hands were coated in whatever had been clogging his airway and she could still feel his sticky hands on her as she fell apart, dropping to her knees and crying as she said his name over and over. He'd held her against him and rocked her while the paramedics worked their magic on him.

Not her brightest hour but understandable. Forgivable.

Her eyes widened and darted to his face when his breathing seemed to hitch but then resumed its steady and soothing rhythm.

Rick knew she was here with him. He'd had one or two lucid moments. When he first saw her sitting beside him, clutching his hand, he'd frowned and her heart sank but then…a glorious smile and she felt…reborn.

Whatever had been wrong with him had been patched up. Thankfully, being in a 'rich man's hospital' meant the best of everything and so there was no hideous scar across his abdomen where they'd repaired something that had been bleeding, Laparoscopic surgery. No incision scars for the rich and shameless using this minimally invasive procedure.

His face was a mess but nothing was broken. His left eye was swelled shut and there were 12 perfect stitches below his eyebrow where the bitch's boot had torn it open. Thank God it wasn't his eye. His nose had seen better days but wasn't an issue.

The doctor had been blunt: if you have to have your head bashed by a tire iron, then where Castle had been struck was the ideal spot. The skull was thickest, the least critical areas of the brain would be affected; a contra coup concussion was a small price to pay for intact thought processes.

Kate had spent a great deal of time on her cell phone. First, she called Alexis and explained exactly what had happened to her father, his condition, and his prognosis. She'd taken it well, considering she'd just lost her grandmother. The west coast media had been surprisingly silent on the Castle Affair. They'd lucked out.

Meredith had come on the line and been very cordial and supportive. Apparently Alexis had filled her in on what had happened between her father and his ex-fiance and she was pleasantly surprised to find that Meredith was 'in her corner'.

"Kate, you have to work at your relationship with Ricky. He's complex. There's the public Rick and the private one. Ignore the public and work on getting back with the private guy, the one who feels the hurt and bears the scars."

"I'm surprised to hear you say that especially since Lexie has probably filled you in on all the Kate-Rick drama that I brought into their lives."

"Alexis says you two are 'special' and she's almost to the point of forgiving you and that says a lot. She's her father's daughter more than mine. I see him in her always."

Meredith and Alexis were flying in on the 5th and would be staying at the beach house and that meant she would have to bunk with her dad.

"Bull! You'll stay at the beach house in the master bedroom. Alexis has her room and I'll take…I'll take Martha's."

There was a moment of silence before Meredith continued.

"Why didn't you come to the funeral, Kate? Rick needed you. He never cried, not one single tear, until someone from the police station asked if you'd been by and then he walked away and sat off by himself. He was 'unapproachable' but Gina, bless her evil and poisonous black heart, took him by the hand and led him back to us. It broke him, Kate, your absence, I mean."

"I couldn't. I got dressed, had my keys and purse in hand and I just froze. My therapist really kicked my ass for it but I just couldn't. I loved that woman but I was afraid of her son and his daughter and their reaction…their rejection of me…so I went to work instead. It's what I did back then, buried myself in work. I'm trying to learn how to deal with things but it's hard, Meredith."

They talked about other things, things that were more 'housekeeping' than anything else and then Alexis got back on the phone.

"Kate, you better not screw him over again. If you're going to go through some darned teenage angst fest like on TV, just do us all a favor and leave us alone. I'm all he has left. I'll share him with you but I will not let you hurt him again. I'll make him choose, Kate, between you and me. I'll make him choose and I'll win. So if you're still there when I get there, you better be there for good."

She hung up before Kate could respond. Sometimes she wondered which of them was 28 and which was 15. There was more than an implied threat. There was a promise or two. She would share but she would win if Kate messed up.

She called the Captain and requested time off and got it. Then she called the boys and updated them on his condition and then she called Lanie.

"Hey, it's Kate. I'm looking at Rick sleeping. He's out of the OR and in 'good condition'. His doctor repaired whatever was bleeding. He has cracked ribs, a bunch of boot-shaped bruises and 12 stitches above one eye. He's alive and that's enough for me now."

"Is it? Knowing he's alive? Are you going to crawl back to your plastic surgeon guy or the bartender at the club or the cab driver or…"

"Enough, Lanie. I made a mistake. This whole relationship thing is foreign territory to me. What you all just live with is all new to me. I've got my head on straight now. I have my priorities straight. I'm…I'm going to take a leave of absence from the department if I can swing it otherwise, I'm going to quit."

"Why?" Blunt almost surly and very disbelieving.

"I'm going to win back my boyfriend and when we're ready, I'm going to marry him."

"What about your mom's case?"

"What about it? I've been through a lot lately. The attack, losing Rick, going through therapy, talking a lot with my dad about him and my mom. I'm not going to be like her. I'm not going to sacrifice the people I love on the altar of Justice like she did. Maybe I'll solve the case, maybe I won't. She's dead and although I miss her, it won't bring her back, will it?"

"Wow, Beckett, that's…a lot of shit coming outta you. I can't believe…you're right about one thing though. You're going to have to win him back because you certainly lost him."

And now she waited patiently, for her anyhow, for him to wake up and then they'd have The Talk…she would talk, he would, hopefully, listen. She had a lot to tell him about the old and the new Kate Beckett. If only he will listen.

She was terrified of The Talk because she was really afraid it would end in The Walk…her leaving because he'd turned away from her, because he'd had enough, because he didn't love her any more, because she'd betrayed him through her actions, because…because…because...

She looked at her…at Castle lying so peacefully. She wiped a tear away and gathered up her things and slipped out into the darkened corridor and the hot summer night.

She stood outside the hospital lobby entrance and looked for her car. Shit! Her dad had it.

"You look lost. Someone inside in trouble?" Kate turned and looked at the woman who was leaning against the wall outside the lobby smoking a cigarette. She must have looked at it because the nurse smiled.

"I know. It's bad for me on so many levels but I can't quit. I've tried the patches, the pills, hypnotism, support groups, everything. I guess…I guess I don't want to quit. Not really. It's like…something I do that rewards me somehow, even if the reward is a little less life, a little harder time breathing…y'know, the commercials on TV."

"I – I wasn't judging. I was just…lost in thought, I guess."

"Someone close to you in trouble in there? I think I use the butts as a crutch to get me through each day. I work in Oncology. Not many happy endings. A lot of happy days but rarely happy endings. It wears you down after a while."

"I'm a cop. I can relate." Kate really didn't want to have this conversation right now. She was trying to figure out how to do what she did best, deny and retreat.

"So who is he?" the nurse asked. She was on her lunch break at 4am. Another reason to smoke. Who eats lunch at 4am.

"I'm sorry?" Beckett hadn't been listening, not really.

"The guy who's got you so upset? Is he in trouble…medical trouble, I mean? It does help to talk about it sometimes. Consider it…free therapy." The girl laughed and stubbed out her cigarette and lit another, noticing Kate's reluctance to answer but her interest in her cigarette..

"Got another 30 minutes to kill before I have to go back. At least it's not January. Weather here in January is a bitch."

"He's my ex-fiance. We broke up. Okay, I broke it off. I thought I loved someone else. I was afraid, had too damned many personal issues, okay, personal _problems_, and he caught the brunt of my crap. I ran him off, made mistakes. He got messed up in a carjacking and I had to see him. He's all I have left and I'm not sure I even have him. I'm so afraid he won't take me back. I'm afraid of so many things…"

"So you're leaving him again? It's easier to run than to stand and fight. It's easier to get the hell outta Dodge than face up to things. It's easy to run. The problem is, Kate, when do you stop?"

"Yeah. Wait, how do you know my name? Have we met?"

"Nope. I'm a news junkie and a Castle fan girl. I know all about you two. You're such a dumbass, Kate. But I can relate. Think you could get me an autograph?"

"Y'know, I'll bet I can do better than that. C'mon. Put out the killer weed and let's go wake my boyfriend up. Just…just don't ask him to sign your boobs. You might not like what'll happen."


	38. Chapter 38

I've lived through some of this chapter 3 separate times. Some of the dialogue is mine or Mariah's. There is a behavioral reason for what transpires in this chapter. It serves as the underpinning for what will happen in later chapters. Remember my promise.

Personal note: Where is the luv, people? LOL

2nd Personal note: yesterday was the birthday of Edgar Allen Poe. Wonder where Dickens was? The famed Toaster failed to appear for the 3rd year. Nevermore.

* * *

><p>Chapter 38<br>July 3

Moira, the fan girl nurse, got her autograph, on paper, not flesh. I don't think Rick even blinked when the nurse assigned to his floor woke him for his vitals check and he spotted us sitting beside the bed like vultures waiting for carrion.

His lips moved without sound and he grimaced and swallowed and Moira, much more in tune with what he was feeling, poured a glass of water for him, dropped in the flexi-straw and let him drink away his thirst.

"Tha-thanks." He looked at her and tried to smile but only managed a wry grin. His one functioning eye looked over at me and slowly blinked. He was still feeling the effects of the surgery.

"That water comes with a price, Mr. Castle. One each autograph…on paper…since Kate has threatened me with unknown but doubtless painful punishments if I so much as think about baring my breast for your Sharpie."

I swear to God he managed a leer.

As Moira folded up the piece of notepaper and leaned over me and I swear this time _she leered_, tucked it into her bra, and whispered, 'Take off your running shoes, Kate, and live in the moment'. She waved at Rick and left, her tennis shoes making that obnoxious squeaking sound on the polished tile floor.

"That was Moira. She's a fan girl. If they were all like her, I wouldn't worry. She works 'upstairs in Oncology'." And she plays for the other team.

He nodded and closed his eye and I moved to the recliner close beside his bed and settled down. I reached over and took his hand in mine and explored his palm, each finger, seeing every wrinkle, every whorl on his fingers' tips that made him unique, losing myself in the moment.

It was nearly 6am when the nurse came in and took his vitals again and whispered that he was 'right on the curve' which I took to mean he was okay. He was asleep but still holding my hand and I took that as a good sign.

I must have dozed off because I jerked when an orderly raised his window blinds. I looked at his sleeping form and eased my hand from his and walked out into the corridor in search of caffeine.

* * *

><p>When I came back, his bed was empty and I panicked. I walked to the nurses' station and asked, 'Where's Castle?'. The nurse looked at a clipboard and said that his doctor had ordered a follow-up CT scan and that was where he was. I thanked her and glanced at my watch. Nearly 9:30.<p>

"Hey, Dad, it's me. Castle slept through the night and now he's having a follow-up CT scan. I'm kind of stuck here and I was wondering if you were going to be in the neighborhood and could let me drive you home so I'll have my car?"

"I'm in the parking lot bringing food and coffee. I figured you'd want to come home and shower and change clothes."

"I might have to go back into the city and pack a bag. I've got scrubs on. My other clothes…I'm going to burn them. I'll meet you in the lounge."

* * *

><p>Noon<br>July 3

Castle was back in his room and lying flat as required. He hated not being able to sit up but wanted to avoid the pain he'd been told he'd have if he suffered a 'spinal tap' headache. He ached enough as it was.

He turned his face toward the window and watched the clouds lazily float across the sky. Life was so simple for some people. Go to school, graduate, get a job, meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids, retire, spend the rest of your life beside your soul mate and then die.

He got 6 out of 10. Maybe he should be happy with it. But wait, everyone got #10…some just sooner than others.

_'Mr. Castle, I asked for another CT Scan and I have the results. I know lying down is an uncomfortable way of seeing this but…see this small mass right there?'_

'_Uh huh. Is it…'_

'_No, no, it's not malignant. That's why I ordered the spinal tap to look for certain proteins. But Mr. Castle, it may continue to enlarge.'_

'_Can you…'_

'_No, it's inoperable due to its location.'_

'_Then why the hell bother telling me about it?'_

'_You…Mr. Castle, you have a need to know. You have time. There are preparations that need to be made before you…'_

'_Asshole…EVERY body dies!'_

God bless him but the doctor had tried to put a positive spin on it and Castle had just laughed at him. _…may continue to enlarge…_ The entire event struck him as funny. The good doctor, true to his calling, had launched into an entire lecture about acceptance versus denial and that was where Castle had really lost it and why he was currently on the edge of La La Land.

_"Life is a game, doctor, and it's rigged, fixed, manipulated, foretold, and everyone, without exception, everyone loses, everyone dies."_

He'd tried to get up, to get off the gurney and strangle this young 'pimple on the ass of humanity' and thus prove just how true his 'game of life' explanation was but the doctor signaled the nurse he'd met earlier and she'd injected a Mickey Finn into his IV line.

And now here he was, lying flat on his back with nothing to do but the one thing he didn't want to do: think.

Off to his left, a woman softly cleared her throat and asked if he needed anything.

"Mr. Castle, I'm Moira, remember, and I'm going off shift now and I just wanted to know if you needed anything before I left."

"Nope. I'm good. Listen, not a word, not one word of this gets out, understand. 'May continue to grow'. Bullshit! He has no basis to tell me that. None at all."

"Mr. Castle, he had a moral obligation to inform you of his findings. He might have been a little less bleak in his assessment but he's one of the best Oncologists around. He knows his stuff. He told you it was 'benign' and he never says that word unless he's sure."

"So something that isn't 'harmful' is going to kill me, isn't that what he was saying? 'May continue to grow' is one of those things doctors say to cover their asses. I notice he neglected to give me a time frame for my imminent demise."

"That's why he scheduled another CT Scan for November. To see if it's growing, gauge the rate, and then…if it's necessary, discuss time frames."

"Marvelous. I can't wait. Look, I know you deal with this everyday but I don't. I write about it. It happens to others, to fictional characters, **not to me!"**

"Like you said, Mr. Castle, everyone loses." She got up and patted his hand. "Your Kate is out getting clothes. Her dad was here earlier but you were upstairs. She'll be back later. It's a 6-hour roundtrip to the city. I'll stop in tonight and visit if it's okay with you."

"Sure. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Say, do you really read my stuff? Or just taking advantage of the situation?"

"Read everything you ever wrote. I like the darkness you illuminate. It's refreshingly weird. I like that. I'm a subscribing Fan Girl although I don't much like how this thing with Kate is playing out."

"Everyone's a critic." He softened it with his patented smile and she smiled softly in return.

"And everyone dies, just like you said. It's what happens before that's important."

"Go home, Florence Nightingale, your cheer-spreading is depressing me." They both laughed and she said she'd see him in 12 hours. She worked 3 12-hour shifts and loved it, especially in the summer.

He looked out the window and tried to sleep.

'_Do I tell Kate or not? Do I do the humane thing, the right thing, the moral thing, and end it with her or do I make the most of whatever time we'll have together? Am I really that self-centered and selfish?_'

He had lived for months without Kate Beckett in his life. It hadn't killed him. He survived without her. She had just as obviously survived without him.

It should have been a simple decision. He'd made them in the past. Black – white. Right – wrong. This should be no different. This should be just as simple. This should not be so hard.

* * *

><p>Kate returned about 3:30. He was still asleep and she wondered why he was flat on a gurney and not in his bed and asked the nurse about it.<p>

"We'll be moving him to his bed right before dinner. It's just a precaution. Some spinal tap patients get horrible headaches if they sit up too soon afterwards."

"Spinal tap? But I thought it was just a follow-up CT Scan. Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, not at all. The doctor just wanted to be sure of things before he discharged Mr. Castle tomorrow. I'm sure he'll answer any questions you may have when he makes rounds."

Satisfied, Kate walked back in and moved her chair around until she could make eye contact with Rick when he woke up. He looked better and there was more color in his face although most of it was purple and yellow from his bruises.

She took his hand in hers and waited. They would have The Talk and then she'd know if she would be leaving him and returning to the city or start living her life again.

Rick woke up with a start when the orderlies pulled him over to his bed by his sheets. A nurse pulled his IV and his catheter (which he didn't know about and was shocked when she flipped up his gown and grabbed his…well, he normally got dinner first.

Finally settled back in and reasonably awake, he took in his surroundings without drug-addled eyes…eye. The other was still swollen. He saw Kate looking out the window and cleared his throat.

"Hey, whatcha lookin' at?" He saw her take a deep breath and square her shoulders and then turn and smile.

"Just thinking, not looking at anything, really. How are you feeling? I talked to your ER doctor briefly. You're getting out of here tomorrow if you feel up to it."

"I ache all over but I'd ache just as much sitting on the porch of the beach house just talking. And now that the plumbing has been removed, I think I'd like to walk around a little."

She gave him another smile, somehow different than the one before and told him, "After dinner. I brought you some clothes from the beach house. Your other ones were gross and I didn't think you'd want to wear them home."

"Thanks. Is there a reason you're all the way over there, Kate? Is this how it's going to be?" He pushed for a resolution. He remembered what she'd said and now he wanted this over and done with.

"I don't know how it's going to be. That's up to you, Rick. Look, I've made some dumbass moves in my life but what I pulled in the hospital was the dumbest. I was messed up and I messed up the best thing I could ever have imagined."

He started to say something but she held up her hand to stop him.

"Please don't interrupt me. I – it took me forever to figure out what to say and now if I don't get it out, I'll never be able to. I'm afraid of so many things now. My therapist called me an 'emotional retard' and we spent a few sessions getting to the root of some of my problems."

A hesitation and a deep breath. He saw her look at the door and he wondered if she was planning her escape route.

"I want back what we had. I want the guy back. I want the ring back. I want my life back. I've learned that I don't have to be infallible, that it's alright to make mistakes as long as you own them and deal with the consequences. I want…I want forgiveness and I want to be able to let go and just be Kate and not 'Beckett' or 'Detective Beckett' or 'Johanna Beckett's daughter'."

"I've let my mother define my character for far too long, sweetheart. I don't want to be like her. I don't want my life to revolve around a murder, an ended life. I want it to revolve around my family and friends. I don't want my husband to have to suffer like my Dad and I did. I don't want to ever be that selfish."

Another deep breath and she continued on in a rush of words and gestures. He'd never see her so animated, so alive.

"I want to either take a long leave of absence or quit the department altogether. It's taken more from me than it's given. I don't _need_ to find my mother's killer if it keeps me from…you."

She stared at Castle and waited. The few seconds seemed like minutes or hours or forever to her but she waited.

He cleared his throat and gathered his thoughts. He only had one chance to say what he had to say while she was this open and willing to listen in hopes of hearing what she wanted to hear.

"I need you…to come over here, Kate. I don't want to have to yell. My throat is raw." She walked closer and looked for her chair. It was on the other side of the room.

He patted the bed and she toed off her sandals and eased up beside him, very carefully, afraid to touch him and cause him any more pain.

He started out slowly, telling her all about what he'd been doing while she was gone and she listened intently, waiting for the 'good' stuff.

"I finished the last Nikki Heat novel, _Dead Heat_, and it comes out in September. I was on my way up to the beach house for the rest of the summer when I…ran into those two. I need to call Alexis and let her know that I can't keep my promise and show up next week. I'm not sure how I'll be feeling and I surely don't want my little girl to see me looking like Frankenstein's monster."

She nodded and her hand crept into his and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I forgive you. That's a given. Yes, you should wear the ring again but we're not getting married for a while, okay? Take your leave of absence, Kate, but don't burn any bridges. You may decide that being my 'kept woman' loses its luster after a while and you'll get bored and you can always go back to being 'Beckett bad-ass'."

"But Rick, why not? We were planning a wedding when I screwed us up?" She stood up and stepped away from him, angry but not really at him, just the situation.

"Let's just hold off until…after Christmas, okay? Give us some time to get used to living together and being a family unit again. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not certain of me, is that it? Still having doubts? What more can I say or do to convince you that I love you?"

"You don't have to do anything. I just think we should wait until after Christmas…"

Just then the oncologist walked into Rick's room and made a wrong guess based on Rick's sad look and Kate's tears and defensive stance. He sighed and then put on his 'happy face'. He'd seen this scene acted out more times than he cared to remember.

"Ah, Mr. Castle, I see you've told her about your condition. Mrs. Castle, Rick's tumor is very small and it won't be a problem for two or three years depending on its rate of growth. We're not in a position to be specific about a probable time frame but he's not in any immediate danger and once we compare its size in November to what it is today, well, we'll know better how much time he has."

"_**What tumor?"**_ She looked at Rick and burst into tears.

"Or maybe you haven't. Oh, dear…"

Castle was out of bed and standing between the two of them when Kate quietly repeated her statement. "What tumor?" She looked at him and realized why he wanted to wait until after Christmas. He wanted to be certain they'd have enough time. It wasn't her he was avoiding, it was his own mortality. He didn't want her to quit the police force because he wanted her to have her job after he died.

She melted against him and sobbed quietly into his hospital gown. He led her over to the bed and they both sat down.

It took the doctor 20 minutes to repeat everything he'd told Castle earlier in the afternoon. Kate interrupted him several times with questions or requests for an elaboration on one point or another and finally he said his goodbyes, damned glad to have escaped alive.

"Okay, Castle. You win. No wedding until Christmas. No matter what happens in November, I will be Mrs. Richard Castle, understand? Now can I please just hug you? I've missed you so much…"

Next: Alexis learns the facts of life – the Castle version


	39. Chapter 39

Had an earthquake yesterday down south of us. Felt like the planet hiccupped.

Lots of personal perspective in this. Had the same conversations once or more upon a time.

* * *

><p>Chapter 39<p>

July 4 – Independence Day

She had wanted Rick to be taken to the beach house by ambulance for his comfort but he would have no part of that. Instead, he gave Kate his Amex card and told her to 'rent something we can use around town'.

She rented a small convertible and asked to have it delivered to the hospital and then went up to his room to help him with his 'stuff'. He was already sitting in a wheelchair working at filling out a form when Kate found him at the nurses' station.

"Got more damned forms than the Army or the Precinct. Um, you're not going to get in any trouble for taking too much time off, are you, Kate?"

"Captain Montgomery understands our 'situation' and it's not like I don't have time accrued. All I've really done since…no, I won't get into any trouble. I told you, Castle, I'll take a leave of absence or quit. Family first from now on, sweetheart."

The ride to the beach house almost ended in disaster. The sand track to the beach house hadn't been 'brushed' and the car nearly bogged down several times but finally made it.

Kate parked the car and huffed the hair out of her face. They were finally alone for the first time in months. '_The hospital doesn't count,'_ she thought to herself_. 'I couldn't really let go and be myself around him when there were so many 'issues' pending.'_

Castle hadn't said a word since getting out of the car and now he just sat there on the porch, looking at the surf, off somewhere alone again.

Kate sat down beside him and picked up his arm and pulled it around her shoulders and then put her head on his shoulder. "What thoughts course through that beautiful mind of yours, Rick? Not having second thoughts about us, are you?"

"Hmm? Oh, no. Just thinking about all the things I haven't done yet, that's all. Just…Kate, if I die, will you look after Alexis until she's sufficiently on her own that she won't need…"

"No, Rick. I won't look after her – _we_ will be here for her long after she wishes we weren't. We deserve a happy ending and by God, we're going to have it."

"Thanks," he said, quietly. He looked out at the surf and counted the waves that broke on the beach. There were 37 in a minute and that meant almost 20 million in a year given an average. He knew that storms increased the count but he was dealing with averages without the need for empiricism.

"Anything you need, sweetheart?" Kate didn't know this Rick. She wondered if he would change much knowing that he may or may not have a death sentence growing in his head. God, how would _**she**_ handle the knowledge that she might be looking at the end of life. With stoicism, fear, denial?

"Time, Kate. I need more _**time**_. We haven't spent much time alone outside of hospitals and those few times at the loft. It's so fucking **unfair!**" He pounded his fist on the edge of the rattan loveseat and she caught it in her hand and pulled it to her lips and kissed it.

Well, she had her answer. Anger. Real emotion.

"We'll have time for that and more. We'll be together no matter what happens, Castle. I can't imagine a world without Richard Rodgers in it any more than I can a world without sunshine. Nope, not going to happen, big guy. I've got you and I'm not letting you go. I won't let you go. Not again. Not ever."

_'It's just one doctor's opinion. We'll get others. Someone must be able to kill this thing in his head before it kills us. Surely God isn't this cruel?'_

While he took a nap he said he didn't need, 'God_, he could be like such a little boy'_, Kate looked through the pantry and refrigerator and made a list of things they'd have to have to make life easier.

She'd gone over her list and added some things and scratched out others. She was bored. The place was spotless and now that her 'shopping list' was done, she was at loose ends.

She called her dad to update him on things and then called Alexis to tell her that her dad was out of the hospital and was really looking forward to seeing her.

"Kate, seriously, how is he?" Alexis might only be 16 but she knew enough about her father to know that he kept things from her as adroitly as anyone she'd ever come across. He was a real master at deflection and distraction.

"He's good. Tired but that's to be expected. He's quieter than usual but I think that's because he's adjusting to everything that gone down. He'll be running around like a 9-year old on a sugar rush in a week, certainly no more."

"He's quiet? Crap. There's something big on his mind, Kate. Be careful. A quiet Dad is a dangerous one. How…how are things between you two? I mean, I guess I mean, are you staying?"

"For as long as he'll have me, Lex, and we're getting married around Christmas so I'll need some help with things. Up to the task?"

"Grams…uh, Grams had lists all over the loft. I guess they're still there. We'll have to see. Well, give him a hug for me. We'll see you tomorrow. We're renting a car so don't worry about us. See ya, Kate."

* * *

><p>She made spaghetti for supper with garlic bread and a simple green salad. They ate out on the porch and it was nice. Every once in a while Rick would look up from his plate and smile at her and then continue eating. When he'd done it for about the 20th time, Kate called him out on it.<p>

"Okay, Rick. What's with the furtive glances? Have I got something green between my teeth or something?"

"Nope. Just looking at you, that's all. I can look at you, right?"

"There's more to it than that, Castle…there always is."

"Your scars. You totally ignore them. You had your hair in a ponytail at the hospital most of the time and you didn't feel the need to hide them. No one said anything, did they? No. No one stared, did they? No. See. You're beautiful and those small imperfections accentuate that beauty. I just like looking at you, that's all."

She felt a flash of need, of desire, of longing for this man. _'He says the sweetest things and I just want to grab him and have my way with him but he's hurting. Cracked ribs are nothing to laugh at. He has a hole in his gut and stitches. We have time, though.'_

Rick got up and carefully straightened up and walked into the living room and fooled around with something and suddenly the porch was filled with soft music.

"Dance with me, Kate. I think I can handle it if you can." A challenge. Kate Beckett could never resist a challenge.

"Just don't pass out on me, okay? Muscling you into bed would be a challenge I'm not up to. And don't make fun of me, Castle. I don't exactly have a lot of experience on the dance floor." _'Or anywhere else, for that matter. Social stuff…gotta learn if I'm going to be the wife of Richard Castle, author and celebrity.'_

"Relax, Kate. Listen to the music and let me handle the navigation. Just hold on to me and I'll handle the rest." His whispers against her ruined ear went straight to her groin and she shivered.

"Cold?" he asked. "We can go inside and – "

"No, not cold. I just…your breath on my ear, you're driving me crazy here, Castle. You're not up for anything you may start."

He knew exactly what he was doing and he smiled – until she leaned up and started kissing his neck and then it was his turn to shudder.

"What's the matter, Castle? Cold?" She giggled and settled her cheek against his and just enjoyed the way he moved her and how close they were.

He tired more easily than he thought and he cursed his weakness but she just led him to the loveseat and curled up against him carefully and they watched the town's 4th of July fireworks display until she felt him nodding off.

"Hey, let's go to bed, Rick. Big day tomorrow. Alexis and Meredith will be here and you don't want them thinking you're getting old, do you?"

"I'll show you who's getting old, Katherine Beckett, in 7 days. I'll have you on the edge and keep you there until you beg…"

She kissed him, letting things progress as he felt comfortable with and then soon they were lying beside each other, comfortable with things as they were. Other than kissing and Kate's wandering lips, they'd been better behaved than most teenagers.

Her last words were 'Happy Independence Day'. He didn't hear her. He was asleep with that damned smirk on his lips.

* * *

><p>July 5<br>7am

Kate's cell woke her and it took her a few rings to unwrap herself from Rick. They'd migrated towards each other in the night and she wasn't surprised to feel one of his big hands cupping her butt and the other wrapped around her.

"Beckett." Habit.

"Kate, it's Alexis. We're somewhere over Kansas. Mom was impatient and we took the redeye out of LAX so we'll be there around 11 or so. Just wanted you to know in case you and Dad decided to get naked and fool around. Not ready for that parental sex image. Brain bleach."

"Lexie, clean up your mind and mouth. What happened to the sweet little girl who left New York? Is California corrupting you?"

"Not…exactly, Kate. I have a boyfriend. He lives up the road from Mom. He's…nice…and he never seems to notice the 'decorations', if you get my drift. He's a killer skate boarder and he's going to teach me how to surf. His mom's Meredith's best bud so we do a lot together with parental supervision so you and Dad don't have to be worried about becoming grandparents…right now."

"Gr-grandparents? Alexis Rodgers, your father and I have decided you're too innocent and so we've found a nice Catholic Boarding school for you…an all girls' boarding school…in North Dakota."

"Kate, you're kidding, right? You wouldn't let Dad do that to me…would you?"

"No more grandparent references or I'm sure your father will find one in some really remote place…okay?"

"Evil stepmother-to-be, I promise to remain chaste and virtuous…as long as I can." She hung up with a giggle and Kate just sat on the edge of the bed, shaking her head. _'Granny Beckett?'_

Rick stirred and ran a finger down her spine and laughed when she shivered. "Who was that, Kate? Sounded like work."

"It was Alexis. Rick, how do you feel about being a grandfather?"


	40. Chapter 40

FF giving me fits. Wouldn't allow an update

* * *

><p>Chapter 40<p>

"They're here, Rick. Remember your stitches and don't swing Alexis around like you normally do when you've been separated for a while. And don't go into detail on your injuries and not ONE word about how I acted like a complete idiot, okay? Alexis has forgiven me but I think I'm still on probation."

Rick smirked and just took his place on the settee on the porch and waited…and waited and suddenly…"

"Daddy!" His world was complete. He stood to greet her and she easily slipped into his arms and gently wrapped him in hers. And started to cry.

Rick eased her down on the rattan settee and let her cry. She soaked the t-shirt he was wearing but he didn't care. She was like a little girl again, wiping her nose against his chest but this time it wasn't a bad dream or a skinned knee. No. This time it was because she had come face to face with her father's mortality, right on the heels of losing Martha.

He tried to lighten up the situation. "Hey, Pumpkin, do you think it's a good idea to leave your mom and Kate alone in the same room?"

She sniffed up her tears and then whispered, "Not really but I think they have to come to terms with each other. Dad, this summer has meant a lot to me. I missed you but being with her has been nice. She's really trying to make up for everything. She's clean and sober and she goes to AA meetings all the time."

"Good. Maybe she'll luck out like Kate's dad, and stay sober. It's hard, little girl, to kick it."

"You need to quit drinking, too, Dad. It's not good for you and it makes you stupid. Oh, we saw Natalie in Los Angeles and she said to say 'Hi'. She's really nice, too, once you get past all that Hollywood crap. She and mom are friends, kinda."

"Maybe we should go in and let me say 'Hi' to your mom. Kate's trying, Pumpkin. Cut her some slack, okay?"

"We talked. It's okay." Rick knew that she was trying to accept Kate back into their lives after all that had happened. He wouldn't push for now. Maybe he wouldn't have to push at all.

Meredith's reaction was a total surprise. She did the almost exact same thing as Alexis had done, minus the'Daddy', of course. Hers was 'Ricky' and she's started as soon as she saw the bandage over his eyebrow. He glanced over Meredith's shaking shoulder at Kate who was looking at him with the strangest look he'd ever seen on her face. He couldn't place it.

* * *

><p>Dinner was lively and went quite well. Kate had made baked chicken and Meredith was all compliments as was Alexis. The conversation centered around Alexis, what she'd been doing over the summer and then, eventually to her boyfriend.<p>

Kate hid her smile behind her napkin. From the faraway look on his face she knew he was thinking about their earlier conversation.

'_Rick, how do you feel about being a grandfather?'_

'_Grandfather? Who? Me? Alexis? Shit! I'll kill Meredith! She's only a child. She can't pregnant! I'm too young to be a…oh, shit. That makes you…'_

'_Don't go there, Richard! I was kidding. But Alexis has a boyfriend and he's a 'killer skateboarder'. Just thought you'd like to know is all.'_

"So, Alexis, tell Kate and I all about this new guy." He didn't exactly glare at Meredith but it was close.

Alexis laughed and started describing her 'boyfriend', glancing every once in a while at Kate, whether for moral support or just acceptance, even she wasn't sure.

"He sees me, Dad, not these," she gestured towards her forehead and cheeks. Kate looked at her with a gentle smile and she knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Rick, I think it's great that Meredith's so close to this guy's mother and that they have 'adult supervision' but mostly that he doesn't seem to mind these," she said, pointing to her own cheek. She wore her hair in a ponytail and Rick had been so proud of her for her courage. Meredith's skin was flawless by comparison.

Rick leaned back and glared at Alexis in mock anger and then smiled. "I think you need to hang on to this guy. He seems a lot like me and you know how much you love and adore your old Pops."

Whatever tension there was in the room evaporated and soon everyone was talking and laughing. Kate looked over the rim of her ice tea glass and sent him a silent 'thank you' and he just nodded. He didn't want Alexis to go through the same 'adjustment' problems as Kate.

* * *

><p>The visit raised Rick's spirits immensely and Kate was actually sorry to see Meredith and Alexis leave early Thursday morning for Los Angeles. She and Alexis had repaired a lot of the damage done by Kate's breakup with her dad.<p>

Kate drove Rick back to the hospital to have his stitches in his abdomen removed. The doctor assured them that he would be 100% within the week. On the drive back, Kate kept glancing over at Rick as if he might disappear. She'd been thinking a lot about them lately and had made some decisions.

"Rick, I'm going to call Lanie and the guys and ask them to come up this weekend. I know you want to see them again and it's the perfect opportunity for me to get back in their good graces but I have another reason: I want the guys to move my stuff into the loft because I'm letting the apartment go. Is that okay with you?"

"Perfect. We'll grill some steaks and…and, yeah, grill some steaks. Perfect." He'd have to pass on the steaks. He was on a 'light' diet and that meant more damned fish and chicken when he craved meat.

After Kate had made her calls and confirmed that 'her boys' plus Lanie were coming the following morning, she left to clean the rooms and put fresh linens on the beds. She was also plotting how she was going to con the boys into doing all the moving.

Rick saw that she was busy, off in her own world as she moved around the beach house. He stepped out onto the porch and called Esposito.

"Yo, Castle, 'sup, man?" Esposito liked Castle and he really approved of the Castle/Beckett relationship, probably more than anyone else.

"When you come here tomorrow, I want you to bring copies of everything you have on Coonan and his connections. Copies of everything. Don't tell Beckett, Esposito. I don't want her to know until we have something more concrete to move on. Also…"

He sighed and tried to find just the right words…

"Espo, Kate's thinking about quitting the force and I think it's more a reaction to what happened to me than what she wants. Feel her out for me. I need her to stay the course. If she quits now or even takes an extended leave of absence she'll never go back. You know it and I know it. She's the one in denial."

'_And if I bite the Big One, she'll have a constant in her life, something to do and feel good about.'_

"I'll talk to Lanie and maybe between the two of us we'll be able to make some headway but don't expect a lot overnight. She's a stubborn one and thinks she's always right."

"She almost always is, Esposito."

"Man, you're so whipped!" He looked over at Ryan and mouthed 'Castle' and they fed the birds. Ryan told him to ask Castle if Jenny was invited.

"Castle, Ryan, another whipped boy, wants to make sure the invitation includes Jenny." He shot Ryan a disgusted look.

"Of course. Ah, I assume you and Ryan will be sharing one room and the ladies the other? I don't mean to imply that…" It was his turn to jab.

"Whoa! No way. I thought you knew that Lanie and I…"

"I do now. That was too easy, Esposito. Too easy. Don't forget the files."

He hung up the phone and grinned. Some of Kate's interrogation techniques had worked their way deep within him. He could only imagine the look on Esposito's face.

He turned around carefully, momentarily dizzy from changing positions too quickly and saw Kate staring at him through the closed French door. _'Uh oh…think fast!'_

"That was Esposito. He wanted to make sure that Jenny was invited, too. That was alright, right? Jenny?"

"Were you dizzy just now, Rick? Are you okay? No headache or anything? You'd tell me if you were, right?"

"Kate, I just got up too fast. It happens to you, too, if you'll think about it. Quit overanalyzing every move I make, okay? I'm _not _dying, Kate. I have much too much to live for. What about Jenny's invite?"

"Yeah, fine. I'll go find something else to do." She walked away.

"Damn it, Kate! Don't run away from this. I'm not going to die. You're not going to be alone again. I'm going to hang around for a long time if only for the incredible sex." He knew it was the wrong thing to say the second that the words formed in his head. He was too slow to stop his mouth.

"Don't you dare make light of my concerns for you. You have a damned tumor in your brain that could end your life, take you away from me and Alexis. I understand denial, Rick, I really do, but now's not the time for it."

"I don't do denial, Kate. I'm way past that and I'm in to acceptance. If it grows, it grows. Can't stop it. Can't do anything so I refuse to let it dictate my life just like…"

"Just like what, Rick? Just like I let my mom's murder dictate mine? Just like I let the fear of being hurt by you dictate my actions? I thought we were 'way past that', too, Rick."

"We are. If it grows, it grows. If not, why waste time worrying about it when we can be cramming as much into each day as we can?"

She'd been inching toward him, unconsciously and he'd been doing the same. They were only and inch apart and he could see how her eyes were glistening with the beginnings of tears.

He leaned forward and kissed her, sucking her bottom lip between his and worrying it with the tip of his tongue. Their only contact was the kiss.

She sighed and brought her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, trying to convey how much she loved him with it. Rick broke off the kiss and worried her ear with his lips and tongue. She squeezed his neck tightly and moaned when he ran open-mouthed kisses down her neck. Easing her grip around his neck, she leaned her head back, giving him full access to her neck and throat.

"Let's take this to bed, Kate. We'll just go very easy and I promise, at the first sign of a problem, we'll…regrettably…quit, okay?"

"Oh, Rick, a week. We just have to wait a week until you get a clean bill of health. I'm just as anxious as you are, Rick, probably more so but we will wait. Now, I've been reading some of Lanie's favorite blogs and I've come to find out there are _other_ ways, honey. I feel like experimenting. I could use a willing subject. Are you willing?"

"These blogs that Lanie reads, Kate…she's a medical examiner…"

"They're her guilty pleasure, Rick. Some of them are quite…innovative."

"Lanie? Sweet, innocent Dr. Lanie Parrish reads…smut?"

"Let's find out."

Two hours later, exhausted but extremely happy, a pain-free Castle ran a finger up the inside of Kate's thigh and then across her center. She giggled and rolled over against him.

"Rick, still think Lanie's so sweet and innocent?" Lanie had recommended an illustrated website devoted to the Kama Sutra.

Much later.

"Kate, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Lanie and not blush. The 'Monkey pulls the Turnip'? I may never walk right again."

She laughed and nipped his ear. "Wait until we get to the section on biting, scratching and... We'll have to wait until you're a _lot _better."


	41. Chapter 41

Trying to finish this up without leaving too many loose ends. Excuse the typos and misspellings if you find any. I got some 'issues' with my keyboard. Chapter 41 is transitional to the final chapters.

* * *

><p>Beach House<p>

Kate's team arrived with their 'significant others' and Kate had Esposito take over as 'grillmeister' since she felt Rick needed to stay off his feet as much as possible. The visit with Alexis and Meredith had tired him out more than he'd admit. And she also felt slightly guilty about whole the Kama Sutra blog thing – but only slightly.

Lanie took Kate aside to get a status report on her favorite writer and listened intently as Kate rambled on through the entire series of events that led them to where they were today.

"Lanie, we're getting married in December but…Rick's…they found…oh, Lanie, he's got a brain tumor and he's going to die, I just know it! He tried to hide it from me but the doctor brought it up and…and he wanted to delay getting married until after they decided if it was growing or not."

"So that's why you're going to ask for a leave of absence – to stay with him as long as possible? You don't even know if it's growing and you already said it's benign. Has he pressured you to quit?" She knew Castle would never ask her to quit so she wanted to get to Kate's motivation. _Was it guilt?_

"Is it so damned wrong of me to want to spend as much time as we have left together, well, together? What if he dies? What will I be left with? I'll have Alexis for a while but then she'll leave to live her own life and I'll be left with…"

"Kate, it's okay to admit you're afraid of a life without Rick in it. I think a leave of absence is fine so long as it's an up-front decision and you let yourself come back when you realize that he's not going to die on you. And if he does, God forbid, die, you'll need something in your life other than sweet memories."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. I've talked enough. Now I just want to live my life with him and let whatever happens happen. He's right. I can't let my fear run my life. He's accepted it, I need to do the same thing."

"Good girl. Make sure you tell him that. No more secrets Kate. They destroy relationships. Now, tell me what Rick meant about me being a wicked woman?"

"Lanie, he can't, uh, well, not for a couple of weeks and we both were so…so I pulled up your favorite blog and we…he was surprised that _you_ told me about it. And if he mentions turnips or monkeys, please, please, just ignore him."

"Kate Beckett, you didn't…" But she knew from the blush and demure smile that she had. "You are so baaaad, Kate. Details, tell me what you guys did…"

* * *

><p>"Okay, Javi, Kate's in with Lanie. Did you copy those files like I asked you?" Rick was leaning against the deck railing, sipping from a bottle of water since alcohol was on his no-no list as long as he was taking any medication.<p>

"Yep. I'll bring them down to you when both Kate and Lanie are otherwise occupied. The information looks random but when you overlay what you told me, it's connected and scary. The deputy commissioner, several of the city councilmen, judges…it's scary, Rick, how widespread the corruption is."

"I got a safe in my study. I'll leave it open and you can drop them in there so Beckett doesn't get curious. Just remember, this is between the three of us. No one else. Just you, me, and Kevin. Not a word to Kate."

"Castle, this could blow up in your face if you don't involve her." Javier knew how volatile Kate's temper could be, especially when her mother's case was involved.

"We'll bring her in after we get things organized but not until. Change of subject: you and Lanie? Serious or just…"

"Serious for me. She's hard to read. We put a lot of things in perspective about the job but I still don't know for sure. You and Beckett? You're okay again, right?"

"Yeah. Marriage is back on for December. I just don't want her to quit the force. She'll need something in her life besides me." He forced a laugh and Esposito joined him but his was forced as well.

* * *

><p>The rest of the weekend was pleasant with a return to the old banter and camaraderie that seemed to have slipped away since Kate's hospital stay.<p>

Of course, Lanie couldn't keep her mouth shut and she subtly brought up the blogs she liked to read 'in her spare time'. Castle countered by asking Javi if he knew of Lanie's pursuits through the digital highway and that ended any further comments from Lanie but did earn him a series of dirty looks from both her and Kate. Javier just seemed to be at a loss for what they were talking about and Lanie finally told him, 'Later, baby, when we're back in the city'.

Kate and Rick stayed at the beach house through August and only returned to the city for meetings with Black Pawn and administrative meetings with Kate's bosses at 1PP. Kate had a killer tan by the end of August and Rick had totally recovered from the beating he'd received from the carjackers. They had a last dinner with her dad and then packed and made their way back to New York and the loft.

* * *

><p>Kate picked up Alexis at the airport when she returned home and it was a bittersweet reunion of sorts. Alexis missed her mother and had bonded really well with Meredith but was still excited to be back in the city.<p>

"How's the boyfriend handling your departure, Lexie? You two going to try and keep in touch or was this just a 'summer romance'?" Kate was curious but also interested in her future stepdaughter's well being.

"We're just going to keep it on a 'friends' level until next summer. Mom's got a part on a soap and it may turn into something more if she stays clean and keeps going to meetings and stays away from the 'fast crowd'. Leaving her was harder than I thought it would be, Kate. Is that wrong? I mean for all the years she basically ignored me and it was hard to leave her."

"It's just natural, Lexie. She made mistakes and she's learned from them and now she's making the best of the rest of her life. She loves you and you love her. It's natural."

Alexis dove into her school work with the same abandon she did everything and soon was looking forward to the wedding and a little peace and quiet around the loft. Meredith was going to visit and 'baby sit' for her dad and Kate when they went on their honeymoon and she was a very happy 16 year old.

* * *

><p>Castle tried to write but really lacked any inspiration. It wasn't that he didn't have enough research, he just didn't have the time or inclination. When he closed himself off in his office it was frequently in video conference with Ryan and Esposito and their unofficial investigation of Dick Coonan and his associates. Esposito had been right: it was scary how the corruption had spread.<p>

No one expected it to have reached the New York Supreme Court or the US House, for that matter, but it had and they knew they were outgunned without someone 'outside' taking over. As things stood now, they were bringing a knife to a gunfight.

He called the only person he knew he could trust outside of the 'circle' – Special Agent Jordan Shaw.


	42. Chapter 42

My muse seems to be lurking around the edges of my mind. Fickle Bitch.

OM

* * *

><p>New York FBI Field Office<p>

Jordan Shaw sucked in a breath when Detective Esposito showed her the file copies that Castle had called her about. At first she'd been leery about talking to him at all but Rogers was brutally blunt and to the point: she was an FBI agent and this was definitely too big for the small group who had put together all the information. She had really pissed him off with her attitude.

"Okay, Rogers. Send your boy over with the files and – "

Rick had cut her off, bristling with anger that clearly carried through into his tone of voice.

"Forget it, Shaw. I can tell by your damned attitude that you'll just give this a cursory review and then shred it. _Detective_ Esposito is no damned boy! I'll call the US Attorney and he can do the right thing…unless he's somehow involved."

"Okay, _okay_. I'll look at them and give you my opinion on whether or not there is sufficient evidence to investigate further. Jesus, Rogers, do you know who Dick Coonan is? A professional hit man with a string of arrests but not one conviction."

"Yeah, I know who he was. Someone killed him out at Rikers to shut him up. The confession we got still is admissible in court but it doesn't finger anyone but the Deputy Chief of Police and a few local judges. It just 'suggests' the others who are involved."

Shaw called her boss and asked for a meeting. He, in turn, called the US Attorney and asked him to 'make himself available'. He sat back in his office in the federal building and wondered how many people would be implicated before this mess was either resolved or swept under the carpet by higher-ups.

* * *

><p>Kate watched Rick like a hawk as he meandered around the loft, bored but happy. They had 10 days until they went in for series of scans and she was terrified that the damned thing in his head was now bigger than a 'pencil eraser', growing too fast, and that they'd be robbed of precious time together.<p>

Time was a thief, a bandit, a thing that you never had enough of when it was important and something you had entirely too much of when you were unable to do anything and faced boredom. She wished that she could 'save' time and keep it locked away and open it when needed. She wanted more time than just a lifetime with him would allow. She was a greedy bitch.

"Hey, Rick, wanna mess around?" Alexis wouldn't be home for a few hours and it had been a few days since they'd made love and she was also a needy bitch.

"Why Katherine, whatever are you suggesting?" He waggled his eyebrows, ignoring the Grade 8 headache that seemed to live permanently behind his left eye.

She sashayed up to him, running the palms of her hands up his chest to his shirt collar and pulled him down for a searing and hungry kiss. The fear in her turned to desperation and she practically dragged him to their bedroom. The sex was fast and hard and left them both breathless. Kate rolled over so that she was face to face with him and sighed.

"Well, Rick, that was good but I was hoping for 'great' so…let's try that again and this time, lover, I'll try not to scream in your ear, okay? I want you to render me unable to make the barest sound. Are you up for it?" She glanced down and giggled. "Yep, I see that once again, Little Richard is up to the task."

This round was slow, almost teasingly so, and the way he seemed to just barely touch her and yet leave burning flesh behind him soon had her panting and whispering how much she loved him and needed him and…her climax struck her mid-breath and she couldn't have made a sound if her life had depended on it.

Those lips…lethal weapons…were still teasing her, his tongue seemed to have a mind of its own and when he finally got around to his own pleasure, she was sure she'd been struck mute for life. Kate shivered when his lips found her ruined ear just as he almost always did when he climaxed and he whispered 'Kate!' and damned if she didn't feel the sudden clenching of her muscles around his shaft as he thrust more and more erratically and she joined him in another endless moment of pleasure.

"Kate…I think you broke me." He huffed out a laugh that exhausted his oxygen and he gasped for breath.

"Just wait until the honeymoon, Rick. This stuff we're doing now is just mere…foreplay." There were things she'd heard about, stuff that made her blush but also seemed to arouse her and she wanted more than anything to surprise her husband and satisfy his every desire. She wanted to be more than just a wife. She also wanted to be his lover for all time.

"F-foreplay? You _do_ know how old I am, right, Beckett? Foreplay?"

* * *

><p>Clinic<p>

The doctor shuffled a few papers in his file before looking up at the couple sitting before him in his exam room.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Castle, but the results are inconclusive. It doesn't appear to have grown and it's definitely not becoming malignant. I wish I could give you a more definitive answer but I can't. Let's schedule another appointment for May and we'll run the scans again."

Kate drove home. The atmosphere in the car was lighter than before, of course, but each seemed lost in their own thoughts.

"Well, Kate, all things considered, it couldn't have been a better outcome, could it?" He knew she expected something bleaker but he found it hard to read _this_ Beckett.

She glanced away from the road and intertwined her fingers with his. "I just wish he'd said it was gone. This is just so…unresolved. I don't like not knowing, Rick. It's ingrained in me – knowing, I mean."

"Beckett, we've talked about this. Life ends abruptly and you don't always get a tip-off that it's coming. We just need to live each moment to the fullest and not despair because it might be the last for either of us. We need to live each day as if it was our last. No long face, Katherine or I'll call your Dad."

"You wouldn't dare!" The last thing she needed was a life skills lecture from her father.

"Would too. Now, no more talk of dying or tumors or anything negative. We've got a wedding coming up and I'll bet you haven't given a thought to Christmas shopping, have you?"

* * *

><p>New York City<p>

She hated shopping. She vowed to do it all on line but hadn't gotten around to it. Rick hovered over her, prattling on about the wedding lists and Alexis was almost as bad. They'd gone shopping for a wedding dress and Alexis was just as particular as she was and their tastes clashed. It had been a long 7 hours but they finally found a dress they both liked – until Kate saw the price.

"Nope. It's beautiful and we both like it but it costs a fortune and I'm only going to need it for one day. I'll never need another so why spend a fortune on a dress that's going to be hung up and forgotten?"

"Well, with a little alteration and maybe a shorter train…I thought maybe I could…" Alexis hesitated. This was foreign country to her just as it was to Kate.

Kate pulled Alexis into a tight hug and whispered that it was a sweet thought but that she hoped Alexis would still want to wear the dress for her own wedding...'in 10 or so years'. The teen had touched her heart and she was almost in tears.

"We'll take it. Think your dad will like it?"

"I think he'll be more interested in what's _under_ it, Kate. Victoria's Secret has some lovely…"

"I think that all-girls school in North Dakota has an opening in January…"

"Jeez, Kate, lighten up already with the North Dakota stuff. I hear it enough from Dad."

* * *

><p>Castle Loft<p>

The two young women laughed and joked as if they were transgenerational sisters rather than future wicked step-mother and step-daughter. They had talked about their relationship and Alexis just blurted out that she'd always wanted an older sister to confide in and gossip with and since her own mother was such a basket case…

That touched Kate more than anything. She forgot that Alexis had 'lost' her mother at a much earlier age than she had and that her father, sweet man that he was, had to perform both mother and father roles. He did both admirably but there were just some things that a daughter just couldn't discuss with her father – or her mother.

Like sex, relationship issues, dating do's and don't's, or personal hygiene issues. Things that would mortify Castle but didn't seem to bother Kate at all.

* * *

><p>Unknown location<p>

The man known to his associates as 'The Dragon' looked across the desk and grimaced. It was not a facial expression many saw and lived to tell about.

"Compile a list of anyone who may have the slightest knowledge or interest in our activities and have it on my desk as soon as possible. This police detective – she's a loose thread and her thread ties too many others into our Tapestry. We will move on all those on your final listing simultaneously. Alert the gardeners and the cleaners."

"Yes, Sir. How many layers down do you wish to peel?" Euphemisms.

"If they are parents, to their children. If they are grandparents, to their children and their children. If they have lovers, them too. Peel the onion until there's nothing recognizable left."

"Some of those involved are public figures…"

"So are some of us, Captain. You would risk your wife and family and reputation for sentiment?"

"I'm just saying that a strike of this magnitude…"

"Better to take a little healthy tissue with the tumor than risk leaving behind something that might threaten the body as time passes. You have your orders, Captain. Oh, and be sure to confiscate any records, files or dossiers your men come across. I'll want to have my forensic experts see if they can find a link to the traitor."

"And the FBI agent?"

"Bring her in. Have her questioned, vigorously. Her family, too. Leverage. Include her in your plans."


	43. Chapter 43

Still kickin' and enjoying life. Winding this up in a couple of chapters. Hopefully my fickle muse won't take a powder any time soon.

Oldest Man

* * *

><p>Chapter 43<p>

The body count was slowly increasing and it finally clicked in the feeble minds of the powers that be that something was going on.

Jordan Shaw and her entire family had been slaughtered. Initial reports were that it was a home invasion that the thugs tried to cover up by torching the house. Forensics and an autopsy of the victims showed extreme 'abuse'.

The US Attorney for New York was found dead in his office, an apparent suicide. All files relating to the most recent cases were missing and that finally sounded alarm bells. A shot time later the bigwigs decided to call a 'Red Alert' after the home of the US Attorney for New York was gutted by a fire attributed to a gas leak. However, gas leaks do not pry open safes nor do they break all the fingers on the resident's hands.

* * *

><p>New York City<p>

Lanie Parrish came home after a grueling day to find her apartment in shambles and a masked and gloved man sitting in her living room calmly drinking tea and holding a very large knife.

"Ah, Dr. Parrish. Punctual to a fault. Where are the files for the Johanna Beckett murder case? Please don't be coy, Doctor. Your name was on the release slips and you reviewed the old autopsy findings. It's not here and my associate tells me it's not at the Morgue. Regrettably, Dr. Perlmutter was less than forthcoming. Now, I know that this knife is rather intimidating, but I can assure you either a quick death or one…not so quick. The files, Doctor? I won't ask again."

She'd frozen in shock, her hand still in her purse in the act of replacing her keys but it took her less than a second to wrap her delicate fingers around the Sig Sauer 250 and put three shots in the 'O' ring. She cursed under her breath. She'd loved that purse.

* * *

><p>Castle's loft<p>

"Hey, Lanie. How's it going?" Rick was still 'convalescing' (read loafing) and Kate was out and about doing some Kate-thing with Alexis and Castle was glad for the break. They were both constantly hovering.

"Castle, where's Beckett? She's not answering her cell. I need to talk to her. Where is she?" Her tone was demanding and, for Lanie, nearly hysterical.

"She's out with Alexis. I don't know where. What's wrong, Lanie?"

"I just killed some guy in my apartment. A guy with a knife – a big knife. He wanted – he wanted – Kate's mom's autopsy files. Javi has them. He said he'd sneak them back into central files so Beckett wouldn't get in trouble."

"Lanie, leave your apartment. Take a cab to my loft. Don't stop to pack or anything. Just be here in the next 30 minutes. No calls to anyone, Lanie. Just get your ass over here!"

Castle hung up and then dialed Esposito. He had been certain that Esposito would keep this issue with the files secret but apparently 'secret didn't include the woman you slept with'. He frowned at himself. He was keeping secrets from the woman _he_ slept with.

Esposito's phone was either off or busy and went to voicemail. He left an innocuous message about getting together for the Bachelor Party (there wasn't one planned) that they'd agreed was code word for 'trouble', later at the Old Haunt.

He leaned back in his desk chair and stopped to think, really think, old-style think.

They were deep in Indian Country. The enemy was aware of them, hunting them. They were caught flat-footed and cut off from support and supply. They were further hindered by an encumbrance of civilians (Alexis, Jenny, and Jim Beckett, to start with). They couldn't afford the luxury of comfort so…

He made four quick calls and one long one. Satisfied that everything was in motion and that events were out of his hands, he called Kate and when she answered, he could hear Alexis laughing in background.

"We're in the elevator, honey, what's up?" She had no idea that her world was about to come crashing down around her.

"Lanie's on her way over. She's scared and she needs to talk with you. I'll fill you in when you get here."

"That couldn't wait until – "

"No, it couldn't. I'll talk with you when you get here. We'll eat and then we'll talk. Lanie's rattled and she can't get in touch with Espo, and that's got her in a twist."

He heard the door to the loft open and he walked out and drew his girls into a hug. Safe – for now. Kate leaned into him, suddenly aware of how tense and coiled he seemed. She put her arm around his waist and the other around Alexis. Home. Safe. She tried to will these feelings into Castle.

"Alexis, go upstairs and throw all your winter clothes into a bag. Hurry. We've got a lot to do and almost no time to do it. Kate, do the same. Lanie will be here any minute so throw some winter gear into a bag that might fit her. We're going to pick up Kevin and Jenny and your dad. Go!"

"Rick, what's wrong? You're acting like a mad man and no one's going anywhere until I get an explanation. Sit down, Richard Castle, and spill. You're scaring Alexis half to death."

Alexis had never seen her father so…wound up…and yeah, it did scare her. She stood as close to Kate as she could and watched as her father's face grew cold and rigid.

"Alexis, move it. Kate, pack. We do not have time for this right now. When we're all safe and in the air, then I'll explain everything." At least she couldn't run away from him at 30,000 feet but he wouldn't put it past her to do something gloriously Beckett-like.

"Safe? I don't understand and I will not be talked to that way, Rick! I – "

She was interrupted by a pounding on the door and a frantic Lanie calling his name. He rushed to the door and let her in, stepping aside so that she could see Kate and put one of her fears to rest.

"Oh, thank God you're okay, Kate. The guy – " She saw Alexis standing there, wide-eyed, and stopped to think…but Kate intuitively sensed that whatever Lanie had to say wasn't for young ears.

"Alexis, honey, go up and pack like you daddy says. Lanie and I will be up to pack a bag for the both of us. Warm clothes, baby. Go."

When Alexis disappeared up the stairs to her room, Kate turned on Lanie and said, "What the hell is going on, Lanie?"

"I need a drink. Castle? Where's the hard stuff?" She followed Rick into his office and emerged with 3 fingers of Famous Grouse in a glass tumbler and sat down across from Kate at the kitchen island. It took her the entire glass, a refill, and five minutes to summarize what had happened.

"Rick, he wanted the autopsy files. He trashed my apartment and he was waiting for me. I don't think our secret's a secret any longer."

Kate's voice was colder than he'd ever heard it. "What secret, Castle?"

* * *

><p>Esposito stepped out of the shower and dried off. He was going to head over to Lanie's and see if they could make plans for the weekend. He was toweling off his short hair and glanced up and saw a man standing in his bathroom doorway. He reacted quicker than the intruder and the fight was over in just a few seconds.<p>

"Shit, shit, shit." He held the towel to his forearm, putting pressure on the knife slash. It was deep and had hit the bone and the pain was blinding. He called Lanie but her phone went to voicemail and he saw the icon for voicemail in his display and he listened to Castle's message and dressed quickly and was out the door and down the back stairs to the street. He walked quickly down the block, checking for a tail, before hailing a cab and giving the driver Castle's address.

* * *

><p>"Why do I have to leave, Kevin? This is insane! I have a job and – "<p>

"Jenny, if you love me, you'll shut up and get in the damned car. I hope you packed warm weather clothes like I told you. I don't know where we're headed but the man knows his stuff. If you stay here, chances are you'll be hurt or worse and they won't stop until they get answers so that means your mom and dad, your brother…"

"Drive, Ryan, and then we'll talk. If you're in trouble, you should go to the police – "

"Ha! I don't trust any of my brothers or sisters in blue anymore, Jenn. I only trust my team and a few others. I'll tell you everything I can once I know we're safe and not until. Trust me, Jenny, or get out of the car and call a cop. See how long you stay alive!"

The forty-minute drive to Castle's loft was made in total silence.

* * *

><p>Total silence. It had descended like a cold blanket of soundless fog.<p>

"I asked you a question, Castle. What secret?" Her voice was Kate Beckett, detective and interrogator, a woman who hated secrets (unless they were hers, of course).

"I will tell you everything at the appropriate time but now is not that time, Kate. Trust me, it'll take more time than we have before we have to leave town. Once we're in the air and safe – I'll tell you everything but not until."

"Safe? Safe from whom?" Like a dog with a bone, she wasn't going to let go. He took a deep breath and watched the woman he loved revert to 'Alley Kate'. A glance toward Lanie convinced him that now was definitely not the time for this discussion.

"Kate, listen to Rick, sweetie. He's right. This is definitely not the time." She turned away from her friend when her cell rang. She sobbed with relief. "Oh, thank you, Jesus!" and handed the phone to Rick, unable to talk and sliding off the stool and making her way to the office for more liquid courage.

Kate followed Lanie into Rick's office, determined to get answers any way she could. She watched as Lanie refilled her glass tumbler with unsteady hands.

"Okay, Lanie, spill. What secret? And don't give me that crap about how we don't have time because we'll _make_ time, damn it."

"We don't have time for this shit now, Kate! Besides, I don't know all of it and I think Rick's got this thing compartmentalized for a reason. Look, trust him to be doing what's best for you and wait, just like he said."

"I don't need anyone deciding what's best for me, Lanie, least of all Rick." She thought about what she'd said the moment she saw the look of disgust flow over Lanie's face.

"I mean – "

"What will it take for you to finally crawl out of that hole you keep throwing yourself down and look around and realize that the man would do anything, Kate, _any_thing for you? You going to marry the man and he's 'least of all' in your list of people you don't want helping you? Oh, brother, Beckett, you really are something, y'know that?"

She pushed past Kate and sat back at the kitchen island watching as Rick made sandwiches and puttered around to keep busy.

Esposito called and said he was in the lobby but 'not on the list' so Castle buzzed him up. He looked pale and wan and Lanie was on him in a second, tearing off the coat he wore and then sucking in a deep breath when she saw the knife wound.

"A really big knife, right, Javi? Castle, I need your first aid kit and a sewing kit if you have one. And put on some water to boil, a pan, not a kettle. Sit down over here, sweetie, and let me look at that." She sucked in a breath and looked at her boyfriend with worried eyes.

"This – this is too much for me to just sew up. You need a hospital and a competent physician, not someone who's latest patient was dead. We need to rethink this, figure out a way to stay and get you medical treatment. This is way beyond – "

"Lanie, just sew it up. They're closing in on us and we have to get our asses in gear. C'mon, babe, get to stitchin'. Ryan and Jenny are on the way."

Kate had walked over to the kitchen island. Her first thought was 'why' and then 'who' and back to 'why'.

"Who did this, Esposito? And where?" Kate's stomach did a quick somersault before she got her emotions under control. She swallowed convulsively when she saw Espo's wound.

"No ID. He was clean. And very dead. Came for me while I was in the shower. Man, my super's going to be pissed about the broken mirror and shower enclosure…not to mention a dead man stinking up the place."

Castle was back with a first aid kit and a traveler's sewing kit. When Lanie held up the kit, he shrugged and said, "It's all we have and I had to dig through tons of hotel room 'amenities' I've collected over the years to find it."

"Javi, I can't do it…I just can't. I'm sorry, but I won't hurt you."

"_Chica, _we can't risk a hospital. Hell, for all we know, they might be outside, just waiting for the chance to finish up what they messed up the first time. Do it. Please, Lanie!" Lanie leaned back and shook her head. No anesthesia, nothing to numb the arm. She couldn't do it.

Castle disappeared and came back in a few seconds holding something behind his back.

"Espo, I love ya like a brother but that arm needs closed up. Turn you head, Javi, and take a deep breath. Lanie, can you at least hold the sides of the wound closed for now?"

When Lanie pulled the gash closed, Castle whipped out a hand stapler and popped a series of staples into Javier's arm to close the wound. Kate almost vomited and Esposito turned white as a sheet but it was Lanie who was the most vocal.

"You son of a bitch! Those aren't sterile. That was the dumbest…most necessary thing you could do. Javi, honey, we'll just have to watch for signs of infection and do the best we can to immobilize it. I'll slather this antibacterial gel over it and then use gauze to provide support. Then we'll get a sling on it and strap it up and it'll have to do until we get somewhere safe."

Alexis came down after Javier had been bandaged up and had his arm in a sling. She took two suitcases to the door and then went back upstairs and brought down two more.

"Alexis, do you think you really need all those clothes?" He didn't think Alexis even had that many 'warm clothes'.

"I pulled out all Grams' heavy coats and sweaters. You never could bring yourself to clean out her stuff and, well, we need it. I don't think she'd mind, do you, Dad?"

Always the practical one, Alexis simply did what was necessary to resolve issues. Sometimes she was more like her Dad than she'd ever admit.

Castle swept his daughter into a bone-crushing hug and just rocked back and forth, needing the closeness.

"Okay, this is what's going to happen. We're getting a limo and heading out to – "

"Rick, the beach house is the first place they'll look for us. We can't – "

" - Easthampton airport. There's a plane there that'll handle all of us. Kate, your dad's on his way there right now so we need to get a move on. Lanie, call Ryan and tell him we're leaving in 10 minutes and he'd better be here or drive out to the Island and meet us. We'll be in the air in 3 hours and that's a clock that starts ticking right now."

Kate was stunned by the sudden change of direction in her fiance's thought processes. There was no hesitation, no second-guessing…and he'd thought enough ahead to have included her dad in his plans.

* * *

><p>Jenny and Ryan were waiting in the lobby when the group emerged from the elevator, carrying and dragging suitcases and looking like refugees. Each of them had a slightly shocked look about them.<p>

"Good. You made it. Get in the limo and buckle up. Whatever happens, don't leave the limo." Jenny started to protest but stifled it when she saw the looks on the group's faces. Or maybe it was the sawed-off shotgun that Castle had under his coat that made her realize that she wasn't in Kansas any more.

The long white limo was parked at the curb and the group hurried to it and got in, pulling their luggage with them. There was easily room for another 4 people even with the suitcases dumped haphazardly on various seats.

Castle keyed the intercom and the limo pulled out and quickly accelerated beyond the speed limit. Another terse command and a response of 'in position, Mr. Castle, two minutes' and their limo was suddenly in the center of a veritable parade of identical white limos that constantly accelerated past them, changed lanes, slowed down, a shell game with the seven precious peas in their constantly-moving pod.

"No signs of pursuit, Mr. Castle, but we're coming up on the switch point. Have them ready."

The remaining limos formed a slow-moving blockade along the 4 lanes of 8th Avenue and the limo turned onto a side street and stopped.

"Okay, everyone out and into the two black town cars. The luggage will be stuffed into the trunks. Go!"

No one questioned his orders and everyone did exactly as required. Within 5 minutes the two black Lincoln town cars were slipping into traffic and heading for the Long Island Expressway and Easthampton.

"Okay. I think we've confused the oppos and slipped away cleanly. The livery service earned a big bonus tonight. I just never thought they'd have a contingency plan to handle our getaway but they did. They used a similar plan for when the Royals were here. Pretty damned cool if you ask me!"

Kate was quietly thinking all this through. Alexis was leaning against her and she put her arm around the girl and pulled her head down onto her lap and whispered, "Sleep, Lexie. Everything's going to be okay."

She leaned against Rick and grabbed his hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze and laid her head on his shoulder and watched the lights of the city thin as they drove onto the LIE.

She felt him press a kiss into her hair and sigh. Even though they were the target of a gang of killers, she felt safe.

A/N: The Dragon's men blew it in New York but they're not done yet. And Montgomery's part in all this is about to come to a violent end.

OM


	44. Chapter 44

You can all thank JayToyz and Edgar Allen Dickens for goading me out of my funk and off my deathbed to finish these. Internet is spotty down here so I write at night then sleep and then drive a ways and check out the locals and maybe luck out and find an internet café but they are few and far between. Place I'll be driving through tomorrow doesn't' even have electricity.

OM 12Jul2012

I found civilized people!

OM 13Jul2012

* * *

><p>Chapter 44<p>

The two town cars from the livery service pulled into Easthampton Air Park and Castle directed them to a large hanger almost at the end of the taxiways. He got out, spoke with the drivers, handed each of them a wad of cash and waved them away.

Once they were out of sight, the got his group together and they walked almost a quarter mile to the other end of the taxiway. Rick opened a small door in the large metal hangar, flipped on the lights and told his weary group to 'Get comfortable. I'll be right back.' He handed Kate the shotgun and walked out.

The area illuminated by the lights probably constituted the reception area and waiting room. No one ventured past the pool of light nor did anyone really talk. They all just waited to be told what to do next.

Alexis walked over to the closet behind the receptionist's desk and revealed a mini-fridge and passed out water and soft drinks to those who wanted them. She then walked around the office searching for something before laughing and opening up another door that revealed a unisex bathroom with two stalls.

"Okay, they're clean and coed. Better do your business now because once we're airborne the service quality drops off the charts. Welcome to RCAF-Easthampton."

Ryan looked around and said, "RCAF, like in Royal Canadian Air Force?" He wasn't the only one wondering about the name.

"Nope. Rodgers Consolidated Air Freight. This is the Easthampton terminal. There are eight others but this is the only one I've been to and that was years ago when Daddy bought the biplane and took me up for a ride. Scared the crap out of me but it was fun."

"Castle owns an airline? Jesus, Kate, you never mentioned – " Lanie started to say when Kate cut her off dryly.

"That's because I didn't know about it, Lanie. Apparently, Rick Rodgers likes his secrets."

"Kate, Daddy has a lot of business investments that he sets up and puts vets in charge of. It's his way of giving back. I doubt it even breaks even but he doesn't care about profit, just giving the guys jobs when they get out."

"Kate?" Kate whirled around at the sound of her name and then ran to her dad and hugged him. "Rick'll be along in a few minutes. He's filing a flight plan and making sure our butts are covered. The plane's already been fueled and gone through an inspection. As soon as he shows up we'll get out of here."

Kate introduced him around although he'd met everyone last Christmas. She couldn't remember if he'd met Ryan and Jenny or not.

"So, Katie, any idea where we're headed? It isn't Las Vegas to get hitched, is it? I don't have my suit packed or anything." He was eyeing the shotgun his daughter wielded with such casualness.

"No, Daddy, it's not a shotgun wedding. Someone is trying to stop a high-level investigation and Rick wants us out of the line of fire, that's all. It's just a precaution." Kate realized why the 'shotgun' comment and smiled.

"Kate, I was a prosecuting attorney for Suffolk County for years. Don't bullshit me. Cops are being killed. FBI agents are getting kidnapped and murdered. The US Attorney suddenly kills himself with a gun that was stolen years ago and then his family dies in a gas explosion? Precaution my ass!"

"What cops? What FBI agents? Is it on the news?" Kate hadn't listened to a radio or watched the news in ages. Her protective bubble popped when her dad told her the headline news. She needed information and she needed it right now.

Rick picked that moment to return and he motioned Jim and Kevin to help him with some packing crates that were in the back of the hangar. He flipped on some lights and Beckett started to laugh. The first plane was an old WWI fighter plane all decked out like Snoopy vs the Red Baron. She wondered who flew Alexis around in it.

She quit laughing when she saw the larger plane that dwarfed the old fighter plane. She didn't know the name of it but she'd seen enough movies to recognize an Air Force cargo plane when she saw one. The name 'RCAF' was painted on the nose and also along the fuselage.

The three men manhandled the three long cases onto the plane and then Castle walked over to the waiting group and started talking.

"I know that none of you are prepared for a long siege and hopefully the Feds will have this thing wrapped up shortly but until then we go dark. No calls to friends or family until we get where we're going and get go-phones. The bad guys are really sophisticated and we have no idea who we can trust in law enforcement."

No one said anything. Jenny leaned against Ryan and apologized but there was still friction between them. _Too bad, Kevin, but she has to learn that we're playing in another league now._

"Use the bathroom now because the bird has no facilities unless one of you can pee in a bottle. Get dressed warmly. There are blankets on board. We take off in 20 minutes once I run pre-flight. We're gassed up and ready to go and we can cover almost 2500 nautical miles without refueling since we're not carrying a normal cargo load."

He walked away to do the checklist and Kate whispered something to her dad and followed Rick to the back of the aircraft. The tail ramp had been lowered and she walked quickly up it until she was beside him.

"So, where's the pilot? Or pilots? This thing doesn't fly itself." She deliberately kept her voice light and nonchalant but she didn't fool Castle one bit. This was the first sally of Beckett against the Castle. He almost looked forward to it.

"I'm the pilot. Rated for multi-engines and international flights, VFR and instruments. Learned to fly single engines for a novel I was writing and I liked it so I went full bore and got my ticket punched. I'm a good pilot, Kate, careful and cautious. I'm hauling precious cargo tonight so I'll be extra careful."

"And this is the RCAF flagship, no doubt? Why didn't you ever tell me you could fly and that you owned an airline?"

"It never came up but I was going to take you up in the biplane when the weather got warmer, probably this summer. I wasn't in any shape to fly last summer, if you recall. I also own a small trucking company based out of North Carolina that hauls mostly timber and wood pulp. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know, 'kay?"

"'Kay. Where are we headed?" A reasonable question voiced in a reasonable manner.

"North Dakota. We hunker down, gather intel and decide our next move. I assumed a lot in suborning this group into coming with me. I assumed that they were willing to drop everything and run. Maybe I was wrong, Kate. Maybe we should have – "

She put her fingertips across his lips, stifling his self-doubts. "You probably should have asked but they followed so they know you only have their safety and best interests at heart."

They boarded, somewhat appalled at the Spartan seating but glad to be getting out of the crosshairs of whoever was eliminating their co-conspirators. Kate's father took Alexis under his wing and the sat in the very front of the aircraft's cargo belly and talked quietly. The others sat where they felt comfortable and conversation died out.

"Where are Kate and Castle?" Lanie's question was answered when the intercom blasted out 'Fasten seatbelts, put tray tables in the upright position and keep hands and feet away from the propellers. Your stewardess is otherwise occupied so this is your pre-flight briefing."

There was a pause and then the group heard, "Castle, gimme the damned microphone. This isn't 'Con Air', y'know?" There was a popping sound and then Beckett's voice came over the speakers in the bulkhead sounding like a cheap recording.

"Buckle up. I've been advised by our captain that flight time is about 4 – 5 hours and that the in-flight movie and meal have been canceled."

There were snickers from Lanie and Esposito and Ryan rolled his eyes. Everyone heard Alexis start to laugh and it broke the tension a bit.

Rick called the tower and announced their departure. The aging aircraft trundled out onto the apron and the tower responded with a folksy 'have a good flight' and then Rick turned the bogie wheel and pushed the throttles forward and the high-winged aircraft turned and taxied onto the runway and started lumbering forward, gathering speed and finally pulling itself free of earth and into the air.

"Cheated death again!" was all Rick said. Kate just sat in the copilot's seat watching all the gauges and dials and glancing occasionally at her boyfriend who was grinning like an idiot and had just managed to give her another reason to look forward to a life with him. She'd never be bored.

He glanced over at her and then pushed a few buttons, tuned the transceiver to the correct frequency and engaged the autopilot. Unbuckling his seatbelt, he leaned over and kissed her on the mouth, smiling again.

He pointed to the set of headphones hanging beside her and when she put them on he keyed his mike and said, "Keep it straight and level and try not to run into anything, babe. I need to check on the passengers. I'll just be a sec."

She didn't know to key her mike to use the intercom so whatever she said was lost. He smiled at her again and then hung the headphones over his seatback and climbed down to the cargo deck leaving a near panic-stricken Kate Beckett to 'fly' the huge aircraft.

He was grinning like an idiot when he climbed down the ladder but schooled his features and went about checking the tie-downs on the 3 crates they loaded on Long Island. If they hit rough weather it wouldn't be cool if the contents were prematurely exposed to view. He hoped that these particular crates would sit there undisturbed until they re-boarded the aircraft once this nightmare was over.

* * *

><p>The Dragon was irked. "What do you mean you cannot locate any of the detectives from the 12th? Goddamnit, Montgomery, they <em>work<em> for you! I want them dead. I want their children dead. Understand me, Captain," the rank was hissed at him, "if any of those people are alive after the sun sets on Friday, or if one word about our business arrangements hits the press, you and you co-conspirators and your families will all pay a horrible price. I have engaged a private firm to clean up this mess. All you have to do is locate their targets for them."

Roy Montgomery hung up his phone and looked out over a near-empty bull pen. Beckett's team were AWOL, she and Castle and his daughter were 'gone', and no one seemed to know where they'd gotten off to. He glanced again at the picture of his wife and two daughters and then placed a call to someone he hadn't spoken with in years.


	45. Chapter 45

Hope you all have a productive weekend. I'm posting this in hopes someone might just read it and review. it's hot and humid and I'm stopping for a while and taking a nap (okay, in deference to my locale, a siesta).

Edgar, you and JayToyz owe me big-time.

OM

* * *

><p>17 Chapter 45<p>

"Internal Affairs, Gates." Victoria Gates was burning the midnight oil instead of being home with her husband. It was easier than sitting in their living room watching television as they quietly grew further and further apart and the silences soon became corrosive.

"Vicki, it's Roy Montgomery from the 12th. I need to talk to someone and it needs to be now, not in the morning, now, right fuckin' now!"

"Where are you, Roy?" She was gathering up her purse microrecorder and notebook.

"At the precinct. I can be there in – "

"No! From your tone, it's not really something you want to talk about in the confines of 1PP, right? Carbona's, on 10th and Lex. Twenty minutes."

* * *

><p>Carbona's Tavern<p>

"Thanks for seeing me, Vicki. How's it going?" Roy Montgomery was glad she'd picked someplace as far away from being a cop bar as possible.

"Been a while. So, what's got you so upset?" She flicked on her micro-recorder and set it on the table in the booth in the back of the bar. She expected him to recoil or object or just get up and leave but instead he just looked at it and started talking. And kept talking until Victoria Gates told him to stop.

"Wait, I need another tape, Roy. Are your wife and kids safe? Do you need a safe house for them – and you?" She put in a new tape and held the full one in her hand. Maybe it was her imagination but it felt hot to the touch.

"They're being watched. If IA shows up or they suddenly go see her mother or something, he'll know about it and I'm dead and so are they."

"Who's this 'he' you keep mentioning? Have you met him, this 'Dragon'?"

He toyed with his half-empty bottle of beer and then said, "Yeah, I've met him. So have you. He's – oh, shit!" He'd looked over and seen someone at the bar – someone he knew worked for the Dragon.

"Roy?" Gates turned and looked over her shoulder and saw two white men in suit coats standing at the bar, their backs to them, but she knew Roy had recognized one or both of them. She turned back but Montgomery was just disappearing down the corridor to the men's room. She'd met a few CI's here before and knew the layout. There was an exit just past the men's room.

She gathered her things and dumped them in her purse and stood but suddenly felt a burning pain in her lower back and she sat back down, unable to do more than gasp for breath. Someone took her purse and looked at her ID and cursed and then shoved her back out of sight into the corner of the booth.

She still clutched the full tape in her hand.

* * *

><p>North Dakota<p>

It was nearly midnight, local time, when the old Aeritalia G.222 touched down on the runway. Castle reversed the engines and the lumbering variant of the C123 slowed and he turned off to a taxiway and followed the tower's directions to a spot in front of the REXploration LTD hangar.

Beckett had been startled awake when the wheels kissed the runway and she glanced over and saw that Rick was intently speaking to someone in the tower. She leaned over and put her hand on his but he shook it off and turned the bogie wheel between the seats to steer the aircraft onto the taxiway.

He powered down the left engine and used the right to delicately nudge them into a well-lit hangar that was fairly crowded with men and forklifts unloading another RCAF cargo plane. He keyed the intercom and made the announcement he was sure his passengers expected and were anticipating.

"Attention: This is your captain speaking." He paused for effect and then continued. '_Ever the performer'_, Beckett thought, a smile breaking out over her weary face. "We've reached our destination. The local time is 12:40am and the temperature is 36F so bundle up if you haven't already. Transportation is waiting for us at the rear of the hangar. Thank you for flying RCAF."

Rick closed out his flight plan and signed the clipboard and handed it out the cockpit window to someone on scaffolding. He unbuckled his belts and reached over and helped Kate unbuckle hers. A crew was already tearing off the cowling on the port engine.

Beckett shot him a look and he frowned. "The engine started running rough over Ohio and I nursed it along but I want the bird airworthy in case we have to get out of here in a hurry."

Beckett started to ask him a question unrelated to their current situation but he cut her off with a quick peck to her lips and then got serious.

"Kate, I need you to be patient a little while longer and then you can ask any question that flits through your mind and I'll answer it but please, please, hold off until I'm sure we're safe, okay?"

She nodded but the look on her face told him that patience was not her long suit. Still, she leaned over and kissed him soundly and whispered, "Thanks for the ride, Castle. Next time though, tell me the damned thing can fly itself! I almost peed my pants when you got up and left! Speaking of which…" She raised an eyebrow and he snickered.

"Alexis told you to go before we took off, didn't she? It's at the back of the hangar. I'm sure you can cut in line if it's urgent."

He snickered and then put an arm around her shoulders and helped her down the ladder to the cargo deck. He was stiff and getting too old for this shit, that was for damned sure.

The group gathered around the raised cargo ramp and Castle pushed a button and a horn sounded, startling the group and causing Kate to jump. He stifled a smile knowing that any sign of weakness shown was inadvertent. She was still 'Precinct Kate' but he hoped that she would mellow with time. And not pee her pants in the interim.

"Okay, folks, next stop the Redoubt. There are two vehicles waiting for us and Ryan, if you could drive the second one and follow me, we'll soon be sound asleep in our beds. Oh, and the restrooms are in the rear of the hangar next to the exit. Ladies first, guys."

The ramp lowered and struck the concrete flooring of the hangar with a thud and the group of refugees walked off. All the girls headed for the restrooms with various looks of discomfort on their faces.

When everyone had had their shot at the 'facilities' six men in REXploration coveralls took the three crates off the plane and carried them out to the waiting vehicles. Alexis started to laugh and Kate turned and saw her pointing at the logos on the back of the coveralls. It was a stylized T-Rex wearing a oil field wildcatter's steel hat and looking down holding a magnifying glass.

"Dad, you used my drawing! Hey, how much do you owe me in royalties?" Alexis always got a thrill when she saw her artwork incorporated into some of his companies' logos. So far she figured he owed her at least a 4-year degree at an Ivy League school and she was looking at Brown and Yale. It wasn't as if they couldn't afford a good education; it was the way she figured she'd earned it that made it so much fun.

"Well, kid, if I subtract tuition, room and board, clothing, fencing lessons, gymnastics, piano lessons, ballet and – "

"Chiseler! Cheap-Charlie! You'll be hearing from my attorneys!" Her outrage was faked but everyone else seemed to enjoy the banter between father and daughter. There was nothing fake about the affection shown.

"Bring it on, Red. I've dealt with divorce attorneys, entertainment lawyers, _Gina! _I'll chew them up and spit them out. Or maybe I'll be merciful and let Kate have a whack at them!"

The banter stopped when the group walked out into the frigid North Dakota early winter wind. They hurried into the two crew vans but Castle stopped Ryan and told him to drive and follow him. "It's about 15 miles and the roads aren't the best so we'll keep it under 50mph once it gets really bad. Just don't lose sight of us or you'll end up in Canada, okay?"

The crew had turned on the heaters and the two vans were warmer than the plane had been and scarves and heavy coats and gloves soon were piled on the floor in front of the passengers.

"Kate, stay awake and talk to me, honey. I'm dead tired and I need to be careful on these roads. The heavy trucks have made them mostly potholes and we don't need a blown tire."

She felt guilty. He'd been up since 6am and hadn't stopped running around since. She'd slept on the plane as had the others and he'd stayed awake and she wondered how he failed to succumb to the hypnotic hum of the engines just as they'd all done.

"No problem. Maybe I should drive and let you sleep."

"Good idea. Wake me up when we get where we're going." It wasn't snarky, exactly, but it was a pointed comment. She had no idea where they were going and if he were sleeping…

"Sorry, Rick. Guess I'm not thinking straight. So, you own REXploration, too?" She wanted to keep him talking and figured if he was explaining things, he'd have to stay alert and awake.

"Yeah, another company I forgot to mention. Started it up with another guy but he passed away so I hired an exploration crew, put in an air terminal and it works hand in glove with RCAF. We're on the northern fringe of the Bakken fields, and we're doing okay, financially."

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><p>He slowed down when he turned off onto a poorly paved road. He watched as Ryan turned his van and slowed and breathed a sigh of relief. They were on leased land and their nearest neighbor was six miles away at an unmanned gas well. No one would see the vans and that was important.<p>

Thirty minutes after turning off the main road and slowing down to almost 10mph, Castle pulled into a gravel driveway that ended at a closed chain link fence and gate. He got out and opened the gate and walked back and told Ryan to park in front of the small building and stay in the van.

Rick parked in front of the house-like structure and got out and opened up a mailbox on the side of the covered porch and fiddled with something inside. He motioned for them to get out of the van and follow him inside.

Kate was worried. She'd seen the REXploration sign on the 10' high fence but it was the other weathered sign that had caught her attention. It read '**No unauthorized personnel beyond this point. Violators will be met with deadly force**'. The faded wording '**US Air Force**' could still be made out.

'_Castle, what the hell are you up to now?' _She trusted him but she realized that there was a lot about Rick that she hadn't begun to learn about and she was already putting together a list of questions for their Q&A he'd promised.

Once they were inside the small structure, Rick motioned them all to join him inside a circle painted on the concrete floor.

"Hold on." He stepped off to the side and pulled a lever on a junction box and then hurried back inside the circle. The floor gave a jolt and suddenly they were sinking into the floor.

"Next floor will be women's lingerie and accessories, then sporting goods and then housing. Please keep your hands inside and try not to worry. Alexis will take you on a guided tour while Ryan and I go topside again to retrieve anything left in the vans and the crates. Javi, have Lanie look at your arm. Alexis will show you the surgery."

Javier was looking around, taking everything in. He'd also seen the sign that Kate was worried about but he just grinned now that his suspicions were confirmed.

"So, Castle, did they leave the missile behind when you bought the place?"


End file.
